Wednesday, November 09, 2005

The Queen of the Galaxy's lips drew nearer to mine.

Her warm onion breath danced across my cheek.

"Your Majesty," I held up my hand. "You cannot kiss me. I am a married man."

Agents Plovo and Hudson shifted in their stance and looked around uneasily.

"Oh," replied the queen cooly. "Too bad, you would be a handsome suitor indeed."

"Because of my personal morals, I could never cheat on my wife." It doesn't matter if it's the Queen of the Galaxy, I'm not stupid. Shame on anyone who thinks that I should have. No Lou Malnati's deep dish pizza, Billy Goat cheeseburgers or Old Style beer for you.

"Your courage is matched only by your intergrity," she replied regally. "I have very much enjoyed my visit to your planet. Be assured, brave Intergalactic Gladiator, that when the proper time comes, the peoples of this planet will join their brethren in space. Until that time, I will use my resources to keep this planet protected from this galaxy's enemies."

"And for that, I thank you," I said. I looked up into the sky. "That's unusual, you can't normally see shooting stars in the city, too many lights and too much pollution."

The agents looked up, a meteorite was chasing across the sky. "Oh man," said Agent Hudson.

The meteorite drew towards us and slammed into the Earth a mile away. "we need to check this out, there may be casualties!" I exclaimed.

As we got closer, I could see the night was bathed in an eerie green light. Moaning could be heard from the distance.

"Oh man, this is bad," said Agent Hudson. Special Agent Plovo remained stoic.

We got close and it looked like people were shuffling around near the glowing rock. There were no fires, though, and nobody looked hurt.

"Hey!" I called out. "Is everyone all right?"

The only reply was a muffled moaning from the mumbling masses.

"Oh man," reiterated Agent Hudson.

"Are those...." I strained to look. "Zombies?"

"Space Zombies," said Special Agent Plovo. "I've seen this before. Galactor, the Evil Galactic Overlord is behind this."

Galactor. His name sent a shiver down my spine. Galactor's malevolence is so evil that it must be contained within an armored shell, lest it seep out and curdle the very atmosphere with it's sour unpleasantness.

"Galactor wants to destroy the Queen, we must protect her." I activated the sonic stunner on my Wristlink. The Space Zombies started running towards us. "Those Space Zombies sure are fast!" I shouted.

"Oh man, game over!" cried Hudson.

Plovo pulled out is blaster pistol and was about to fire at the crowds when I pushed his arm down. "These are innocents!" I shouted. "You can't just kill them!"

"My duty is to protect the Queen!" he responded and took aim again.

"Oh man, game over, man!" whined Hudson.

"Do not kill the innocents," commanded the Queen. "Disable them only, I will destroy the meteor."

"If you get too close, you'll turn into a Space Zombie!" I yelled to her.

"The evil energies will not harm me," she replied. She floated towards the rock as I started firing sonic blasts at the zombies, they dropped to the ground, clutching their heads.

The Queen of the Galaxy walked past writhing zombies and up to the meteor. She picked it up and a bright light surrounded her and the evil weapon. The light crescendoed to a blinding flash and the meteor crumbled away.

The stunned Space Zombies began to revert to normal. The Queen, her two agents and I quickly left the scene.

"I am getting an incoming transmission on the Hyperlink," said Plovo. He activated it and the holographic image of Galactor appeared before us.

"You cannot hide from me, Galacta, I know where you are at all times," the image spat. "I will not rest until you are long gone and I rule the galaxy as it's rightful heir!"

"Heir?" I asked.

"Shh," Plovo responded. The holographic image of the Galactic Overlord crackled and hissed. The very ground beneath his image blackened from the evil.

"Galactor, your evil ways will never rule my galaxy!" Her Highness looked as regal and commanding as ever. "I will not rest until you are hunted down and brought to trial for your crimes!"

"Dear sister, I would love very much for you to find me. As exciting as hurling radioactive meteors at a disgusting backwards planet is, extinguishing your life would be that much more!"

"Sister?" I asked.

"Shh," Plovo repeated.

The image winked out. The Queen of the Galaxy looked at me and her two royal agents.

"There is a traitor among us," she said.

"Oh man, game over!"


flu said...

a traitor?

How'd she come up with that?

I think she's just sore that you din't plant a big smooch on her.

You better keep a sharp eye on her Jon, Heck hath no fury like a cross-eyed Galactic Queen scorned.

Lori said...

Oh no!!!!....You better watch your back Jon!!!

Master Yoda said...

I think use your sonic blast thingy on the "Game Over" guy you should.

Amy said... is back up. Go list thyself!

Professor Xavier said...

So you didn't kiss her, eh? I'm guessing Mrs. Intergalactic Gladiator reads your blog, right?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Whether or not Mrs. Intergalactic Gladiator reads this blog, I'd like to make it clear that she is my one and only MILK (Mother I'd Like to Kiss).

JawaJuice said...

I think she's just sore that you din't plant a big smooch on her.

Yeah, that always works between brother and sister, don't it Fluke?

flu said...

uhhhh... maybe