Tuesday, November 22, 2005

My Appointment With Destiny

J'onn Sinew Nu called me into his office.

"Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," he said. "We've been worried about you."

"Really?" I asked. "For what reason?"

"Well, you lost your Monkeyboy," said Sinew Nu. "Your comedy relief sidekick died right in front of you. I know how hard that's affected you."

I chuckled silently to myself. "Oh don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"That's why I scheduled an appointment for you with our league psychiatrist."

"A psychaiatrist?" I asked.

"That's right," he said. "You have an appoitment with Destiny. Dr. Destiny."

I felt fine, so I figured that it would be quick. If I didn't agree, Sinew Nu would never get off my back, right? Of course he wouldn't.

"Tell me about your childhood," said Dr. Destiny as I was sitting on a couch next to him.

"It was fine," I replied. "I had good parents, two sisters. We weren't rich, but my parents took good care of us."

"What about trauma?" he dug. "Anything really traumatic happen to you in your youth?"

"Well, I did fall off the roof once," I offered.

"Ah yes," the doctor said. "You almost became a Ladder Day Saint."

"Yeah, that's what I said at the end of the post," I pointed out.

"Of course, of course," he replied. "Any other trauma from your youth?"

"Well, I did break my nose and sprain my ankle while wrestling in high school."

"So you are still grappling with those issues? Tell me, what did you dream about last night?"

"Well, it's kind of odd," I scratched my chin and thought. "Usually, I don't really remember my dreams, but I remember last night's. I dreamnt that I was a curtain."

"Oh my," said Dr. Destiny writing on his pad. "You've got to pull yourself together. Tell me, when you are flying through space, do you feel like a planet, a comet, or a star?"

I thought for a moment. "I feel like a star," I said. "A dwarf star."

"You seem brighter than that," Destiny replied. "Do you remember any other dreams?"

"Well, a few months ago, I dreamnt that I was a teepee."

"Mmm hmm."

"Right after that, I dreamnt that I was a lean-to."

"Obviously, you are too tents," the doctor surmised. "Go on."

"Once I dreamnt that I was a pirate standing on a pile of treasure. The pile was very small, though," I remembered.

"So you're saying that booty is only shin deep," he said. "I want you to picture yourself in a park. What do you see?"

"Well, there's a man in whiteface," I imagined. "He wants me to lick his face, but I want get away from him."

"That is understandable," Destiny replied. "A mime is a terrible thing to taste. where are you now?"

"I'm in an ambulance. I'm missing my left ventricle."

"You sound half-hearted. What else do you think about?"

"Well, the world's full of apathy," I answered. "But I really don't care."

"How about fears?" he pressed. "Do you fear anything?"

"No," I replied. "I have no fears."

"None?" he pressed again.

"Well, I do have Aibohphobia."

"Ah, an irrational fear of palindromes," he offered. "How about pet peeves, does anything really set you off?"

"Well, it really bugs me when people don't proofread," I said. "When writing, people have to be very careful not to any words out."

"You have a very good point," he said. "You seem very healthy, but do you have any compulsions, like kleptomania?"

"No, not kleptomania," I shook my head.

"Well if you did," Dr. Destiny offered. "I have something you can take for it. Do you know any good jokes?"

I thought for a momment. "OK, a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer would cost. The bartender says 'For you, no charge.'"

Dr. Destiny laughed heartily then looked at his watch. "Well Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it looks like you are just fine. And since our time is just about up, I really must get going, I have movers taking my bed away this afternoon."

"Sounds like you're about to be debunked."


Master Yoda said...

"A mime is a terrible thing to taste."

Classic that is.

flu said...


My pet peeve is people that don't care about they're speeling and grammar.

JawaJuice said...

Ahhh....that felt good. Nothing like a few puns to start the day, even though this whole post isn't yours. I think it was doctored.

Karnov said...

Two men walk into a bar. The third man ducks.

Vegeta said...

Heh Dr. destiny needs to be PUN- ished for those jokes.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Deanna Troi would have done a much better job of counselling.

Professor Xavier said...

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

Private Hudson said...

An alien walked into a China shop, so I shot it with my M41A Pulse Rifle.


Son Goku said...

I don't get it.

Lori said...

""I'm in a ambulance.I'm missing my left ventricle.""

Too funny!!!

Have a great day!!!