Standing Before the General

“Sir, Pri-- er, Corporal Hudson reporting, sir!” I snapped a salute.

General Puller looked up from his desk. “Well, you really screwed up good this time, didn’t you, Private Numb[beep]s?”

“Sir, that’s -uh- Corporal Numb[beep]s, sir.”

“You little scumbag, Private!” he stood up. “You really [beep]ed up that mission like nothing I’ve ever seen before, and I’ve seen a lot of [beep][beep] weird-[beep][beep]!”

“If I may, sir,” I asserted. “Baltizar was apprehended and the cache of space gold was collected as evidence.”

“You slimy little piece of [beep]ing Arcturian [beep]! I am going to [beep] your [beeping] [beep] before you [beep] the [beeping] [beep] [beep] [beep]! You’re little [beep] is [beep] [beep] and I will [beep] the [beeping] daylights out of [beep] [beep] [beep] before this day is through! Do you understand me?”

I knew it, he was pulling my leg, just like last time.

“Sir, are you pulling my leg, sir?” I was really sweating.

“No, I am not [beep]ing pulling your [beep]ing [beep] leg. Listen here, I ordered you to [beeping] get that [beep]ing gold! You were not [beep]ing supposed to [beep]ing let the [beep]ing Space [beep]ing Police confi-[beeping]-scate it, you stupid grabtastic pile of pre[beeped] [beep]!”

“Sir, as a neutral planet, Swestria does not recognize our authority,” I said. “The law enforcement has the jurisdiction to -- ”

“I do not [beep]ing care who [beeping] has [beep]ing authority over what!” he screamed. “Do you understand what’s going on here, Private?”

“No sir.”

“What keeps the peace, Private?”

“Sir?”

“What keeps the peace, Private?” he asked again.

“I don’t know, sir,” I dared not shrug.

“War! War keeps the peace!” he grinned. “Nobody [beep]s with us because we are a highly motivated, gung ho group of very dangerous [beeping] warriors. We keep the peace because we make war!”

“If I may sir –”

“War is sexy! War is fun! Iron Ego! Red Dawn!” he grinned maniacally.

“Sir, I think that it may be wise to take a breath, sir!”

He started galloping around his office. “Be a Wolverine, you’ll rule the hills! Just get your guns and Cheerios! Any kid can conquer Libya, just steal a fighter plane!”

The General is flipping out! I am [beep]ed and he’s flipping out!

“When I am through with you, Private,” the General leaned in close to me. His finger dug into my chest. “When I am through with you, you will be scrubbing a [beeping] garbage scow on it’s way to planet [Beep].”

Suddenly, armed MP’s stormed through the door. Their weapons were leveled at the General and me.

“General Puller, it is my duty to inform you that you are to be taken into custody,” a sergeant announced.

“Son, do you [beep]ing realize who I [beep]ing am?” the General grew red.

“General Puller, I am under orders from the Joint Chiefs to take you and Private Hudson into custody,” he said with authority. “Game over, sir.”