Thursday, March 02, 2006

Brought before the Joint Chiefs

The MP’s took General Puller and I in front of General James Westboeington, General Sinclair Sheridan, Admiral Rixx, General T. “Hot” TuTrotte and General Arnold Patent. The Joint Chiefs, of course, are presided over by Admiral Victor Pug.

“This hearing is now in session,” declared Admiral Pug. “Please read the charges.”

General Sheridan cleared his throat. “One count of treason against the Queen; one count of conspiracy to commit treason; one count of misappropriation of military equipment; one count of misappropriation of military funds, one count of breaking and entering, and one count of aggravated assault, namely against one Gervais Baltizar.”

“How do you plead?” asked Admiral Pug.

I gulped. I was deep in the reactor without a paddle.

“Not guilty,” stated General Puller flatly.

“And you?” Pug looked at me.

“Sir, I do not understand why I am being charged. I was following—”

“Private, you should be well aware the consequences of following an unlawful order,” General Westboeington said sternly.

“Yes sir,” I answered. Following an unlawful order makes me as guilty as the man who gave the order. My only chance was to plead ignorance to the fact that the order was actually unlawful. It’s slim, but ignorance is all I’ve got.

“General Puller, Private Hudson, this is an informal hearing,” Admiral Pug said. “We will examine the evidence and then decide the course of action. Should this become a case for court martial, you will each be assigned a military lawyer. Do you understand the charges against you?”

“Yes, sir,” we both said.

“Then how do you plead?”

“Not guilty,” the General repeated.

“Not guilty,” I added.

General Patent looked through several papers then looked over at General Puller. “General, do you realize that the volume of evidence leveled against you? We have debriefings from the participants, we have vehicle logs from the APC and dropship, and we have the arrest report. It looks very much to us that you ordered Private Hudson here to break into a man’s hotel room to steal space gold. What could you possibly have to say about all of this?”

“General Patent, it should be clear to you and your colleagues that this man is an enemy of the Queen’s Dominion,” Puller answered coolly. “It should also be clear to you that while protracted military engagements win us territory, it’s black ops like this that are going to beat them in the long run.”

Admiral Pug’s gaze burned into Puller. “General, while you may very well believe that conducting special operations against middle managers will beat the Queen’s enemy, you do not have the authority to plan this type of operation nor pull these troops from their assigned duties.”

“I am the Commandant of the United Space Colonial Marines, I certainly have the authority to assign this private,” he jammed his thumb in my direction. “Wherever I damn well please.”

“Unfortunately, general,” General TuTrotte interjected. “You reassigned troops from other branches of service. You are not commanding a Joint Task Force, you can’t do that.”

Oooh, General TuTrotte is hottie, I thought. Maybe I can turn up the ole H-Man charm.

“Please don’t send me to prison!” I pleaded. “I’m too good looking. I’ll cooperate. I’ll give you any information you want. Just please…. Don’t send me to prison!”

General Puller looked at me. “God[beep] you little [beep] ant,” he said disgustedly. “I like you. I was going to make you a God[beep][beep]ing hero. Now you’re [beep]ing down my back and telling me it’s [beeping] raining!”

“Gentleman, please,” Admiral Pug rumbled. “I will have order in this hearing.”

“[Beep][beep]it, Victor,” Puller said. “You and I go way back. You’ve been around. You know we’re not going to win this [beep]ing war unless we take a little [beeping] initiative.”

“Do not tell me how we should or should not run this war, General,” Admiral Pug admonished. “General Puller, Private Hudson, you are adjourned for now as we decide our course of action.”

The MP’s escorted the two of us out of the room. I could hear General Puller swearing under his breath.


Gyrobo said...

Excellent use of the Unicode character set.

Wedge Antillies said...

Attaboy, Hudson. Way to use that 'masculine charm.' If you were any more macho you would have peed in your pants.

I do hope that you are not prosecuted. A prison blog would be very depressing.

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

You need a good JAG lawyer. A really good one.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hey Wedge, he already peed his pants.

Private Hudson said...

I did not, that was sweat.

Mr. Sprok said...

I could hear General Puller swearing under his breath

I think I hear his shoes [beep]ing with every step he takes.

flu said...

I think I hear the general's shoes [bee...

Sprok! Dang ya!

*shakes fist*

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Hudson, good tactic. I've used it several times when the Lt. Cmdr caught me not doing K.P duty

Anonymous said...

you know hudson you have the right to remain silent and if I was you I would take it

military courts and proceedings are tough

Vegeta said...

Plead insanity Hudson it's your only shot

Professor Xavier said...

If you'd like me to take over their minds, just let me know H-Man. I'd also be happy to testify as a character witness, if you'd prefer.

flu said...

AOC: You wet yourself when the Lt Cmdr caught you shirking KP duty?

Gyrobo said...

You have the right to remain salient.

Private Hudson said...

Fluke, I'm telling you it wasn't pee, it was sweat.