Friday, January 13, 2006

Our Approach to the Citadel

The Planet: Hel

The Place: Just outside the Edifice of Evil.

The Mission: Banish Evil Jon (and anyone else who crossed over) back to the Mirror Universe, close the portal.

The personnel: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator (that's me), Agent to the Queen Private Hudson, Technomage Talis, lieutenant Garmyn and four other Royal commandos.

The Meal: Cup o' Soup

We were near the citadel, the lieutenant and I were surveying the area and I didn't like it.

"There's no way we can get through those front doors," I said nodding towards the giant steel entry. "It's too well guarded, we'd be cut to pieces before we even get within 10 meters of 'em."

"That's why we're going in through the secret entrance," said Talis. "Many members of my guild, myself included, were forced into servitude here. I was lucky to escape with my life, but before I got out, my brethren tattooed the blueprints of the edifice onto my body."

Talis opened the front of his robe; his chest was marked with an elaborate series of lines, angles, and layouts. Hudson, the LT and I leaned in closer for a look.

"That must be Galactor's throne," I surmised, pointing to a black dot.

"No, that's a mole."

"That must be the vortex," the lieutenant pointed to a pinkish circle.

"That's my nipple."

"What's this, a wave pool?" Hudson jabbed his forefinger towards the wizard's midsection.

"No, those are wrinkles," Talis sighed angrily. "I'm not a young man anymore."

"Fine," lieutenant Garmyn huffed. "Just where is the secret entrance, anyway?"

Talis closed his robe, turned around and lifted up the robe as he bent over.

"I, uh..." I stammered.

"That's uh..." Lieutenant Garmyn stuttered.

"Wow. Nice hole," Hudson whistled.

"The secret entrance is a tunnel that runs under the castle," Talis huffed. "When we made the tattoo, the only spot available to place it was on my right cheek."

"You know, if they just drew it a few inches to the left, you could've saved some ink," Hudson suggested.

"Enough!" Talis angrily threw his robe down and stood upright. "The entrance is just this way, I suggest we concentrate on our mission and forget about today's anatomy lesson."

"I've got the point," Garmyn stepped forward and started. "Move out smartly, boys."

The commandos spread out to cover our sides and rear, I stayed in the middle of the loose formation with Talis. As we approached the tunnel, Hudson trotted up towards the officer.

"Say, how many combat actions have you been in, LT?" he asked.

"Thirty eight... simulated," responded the commando leader.

"How many combat actions?" Hudson pressed.

Garmyn hesitated for a moment. "Uh, two. Including this one," he conceded.

"Crap," I thought out loud.

"Oh man..." Hudson said.

"Hey, listen," the officer started to get testy. "I am a Royal Commando, I have the best personal weapons and the best combat training the galaxy has to offer."

"Where've I heard that before?" Hudson rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Private!" Garmyn really bit into the word the way only a newbie lieutenant could. "You will respect me! You will respect my rank! I outrank you and I'm not going to take that garbage from you!"

"Look, sir," I held up my hands. I had to disarm this situation. "This is probably the most dangerous mission of our lives. I think Hudson's just worried about what's ahead of us and wants to take point."

"Oh no, I'm not buyin' that, civilian," the officer chewed on that last word the same way. "I am a highly-trained Special Missions soldier. I've got the tools, and I've got the talent. I am not taking crap from that punk or from some wanna-be like you. I'm gonna--whulp! Ahhhhhh!"

A sewer demon appeared from the darkness of the tunnel and grabbed Garmyn. Garmyn's screams soon turned into bloody gurgles as the monster crushed him with his talons.

The remaining commandos bounded up and joined Hudson who was already unloading on the creature with his M41A. The monster staggered, but the rounds weren't taking him down. There was a sort of mystical toughness to the creature, but the firepower he was absorbing kept him from attacking us further.

"This is a frackin' tough monster!" a commando yelled through the gunfire.

"Bork yeah, he is!" yelled another.

I quickly ran to the LT's crumpled body. Dodging the demon, I grabbed a M-13 thermal grenade from his webgear.

Dodging another of the the demon's lunge, I hopped up on a large rock, armed the grenade and dove at the malevolent creature's shoulders.

The monster was startled by my attack, but swiped at me with his sharp claws. I tried my best to avoid them as I shoved the live explosive into it's mouth.

One of the commandos snapped to his senses and rushed to lend a hand. With a running leap, he gave the creature a flying kick which sent it stumbling back. The commando and I scampered to our feet and dove away from the exploding behemoth.

"Holy crud that was something!" the commando exclaimed between heavy breaths.

"That was definitely one tough monster," I said looking at the smoking remnants.

"Yeah, but what was with those shoes, man?" asked Hudson.

"I don't know, Hudson. I don't know."

Hudson lead the way into the tunnel, followed by a commando. I went in next with Talis and the three remaining commandos took up the rear.

Pssst, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but this is post150 for me. Thank you.

Double pssst, you should check out Big Brother: Naboo.

12 comments:

Hot Stuff the little devil said...

ohhh scary....
see the Lt shouldnt have been mouthing off he gave up yalls position
not dat I know much about dis stuff

Hot Stuff the little devil said...

btw happy 150

JawaJuice said...

Psst...what? What? I can't hear you.

(Happy 150th post)




Just where is the secret entrance, anyway?"

Talis closed his robe, turned around and lifted up the robe as he bent over.


Fan-freakin’-hilarious!!!

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

*quietly* congrats on 150

flu said...

150? cool.

What kind of soup?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Cup o'

flu said...

ok, I read the rest now...

2 combat sitiations?

2?!?!?!?

he was dead before you even began writing this...

Jabafatboy said...

Its always the mouthy young ones .

Think they are all that..

End up all nothin

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Happy 150. Careful how you go. We don't want Evil Jon doing post # 151.

Lori said...

Congrats on 150!!!

That must be the vortex," the lieutenant pointed to a pinkish circle.

"That's my nipple.".....LOL

Have a great day!!!!

Hot Stuff the little devil said...

a scroll arrives for Jon and Hudson open it to read it

Professor Xavier said...

Really funny! "Crap," I thought out loud.

Congratulations on 150!

Personally I wouldn't be surprised if Hudson is really some kind of undercover operative for the Queen with a real rank much higher than Private. He seems rather capable and it would be very unusual for someone with his experience, abilities and duties to be a lowly private. If he is a spy or secret-agent, then the tricky part will be finding out who he's really working for.