I was sitting there in a bar on Hacknor nursing a drink when Jon walked in and saddled up onto the stool next to me.
"Hey, what's up, Hudson?" he asked.
I took a gulp from my bottle of beer. "Aw nothing," I said. "You wouldn't understand."
"What do you mean?" he pushed. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"
"Is it work?"
"No," I answered. "Work's fine. I'm just..."
"I know," chuckled Jon. "It's women, isn't it?"
I took another pull of my beer and exhaled deeply. "You wouldn't get it. You're married."
"Hey, I know what it's like," Jon grinned. "I wasn't always married, you know. I've had my share of women problems."
"OK," I looked at him. "I'm not really lonely, you know, but it just seems that women don't get me. I'm a complex character. I'm not just a mindless, catchphrase-spewing nutball."
Jon paused awkwardly for a long time.
"I feel like I don't date much because women don't understand who I am," I added. "A lot of times, they see me and it's game over even before anything's started."
Jon clapped his hands together. "I'll tell you what, I've got something for you. Hacknor is a bit of a tourist place, you know with the Fire Islands and the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment and all. There's an Intergalactic Date-A-Palooza here. I can get you in it."
"Intergalactic what?" I asked.
"Intergalactic Date-A-Palooza," he laughed. "It's speed dating. You get to meet lots of women and see if you can make a connection. It's pretty popular."
"Meet lots of chicks, huh?" I brightened up a bit. "Yeah, sure, I'll try it."
So I got to the event and one of the hosts handed me a nametag to fill out and put on my shirt, so I wrote "Private Hudson" on the sticker and slapped it over the nametag on my utility shirt. I sat down and waited for the bell to sound and my first date.
"Hey, I'm Tank Girl, yeah! Whoo, I have a tank! I shot Keslee right in his stupid holigraphic jerk face with cans of beer! BAM! Yeah awesome!"
"Hi, I'm Private Hudson. People call me Private Hudson."
"Yeah! Bam! I kicked his stanky water-hoarding butt! Pow!"
"Do you always talk like this?"
"Woo yeah alright! BAM! I gotta big tank gun, Feeling a little inadequate?"
"Hey, I'm Private Hudson, but you can call me the H-Man."
"Nnngk. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."
"I thought Amazons had strong constitutions."
"No, I'm not Padme."
"Uh no, wrong again. Duh!"
"Then you must be Sabe, right?"
"God no. Can't you tell us apart? God!"
"Isn't that kind of the point? Are you Jamilla?"
"Ungh! You are such a loser!"
"I want you to know, this isn't going to work, eh."
"What are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking aboot, you and me. We'd never make it."
"Oh sure, you'd date Dave Coulier, but not me? You're crazy."
"Do not mention that name to me."
"Oh man, he must have really screwed you up, your sweater's on backwards and inside out."
"Shut up, jerk!"
"Hey, does he do that Bullwinkle impression all the time? I mean all the time. You know what I saying?
"I got one hand in my pocket, jerk, and the other's giving you the finger."
"Oh God, I can't believe you're here. I am not going to date you."
"Ranae? Is that you?"
"You do not call me that, Private. You address me as either ma'am or Lieutenant Commander Oneida."
"Yes, ma'am. I--"
"In fact, don't address me at all. There's a restraining order, you know. You are not supposed to be anywhere near me!"
"Well, yeah, that's true but--"
"Oh, I would rather eat broken glass than go out with you!"
"I would rather launch my uterus out of a proton torpedo tube than date you!"
"Well that's a little--"
"I would rather lie down on the deck and let 5,000 clones march over me!"
"OK, OK, I get it."
"I would rather launch myself out into space, poke my eyes out with a stick and feed them to a mynock, then explode from the pressure than see you again!"
"Hey, are you like a dude or something?"
"Wow, you're a... wow, boy I'd like... I mean, wow I--"
Then she slapped me. Hard.
"What was that for?"
"I know what you're thinking. And quit staring at my chest, you pervert!"
"Hi, I'm Private Hudson."
"'Sup? My name's Xena. I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not sure what I want yet."
"OK, sure, that's OK."
"Yeah, it was with a woman, too. I sure do like the women."
"Yeah? (Oh boy!) I guess we have something in common, huh?"
"Yep, I sure do like the ladies. I think I'll like you, too. You got those nice, slender arms."
Ding ding ding
Well, that was the end of the speed dating session. I don't know, it didn't go too badly, did it?