Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Called Before the Commadant

I received orders to report to the Commandant of the Colonial Marine Corps. Holy spit! What is he calling me in for? Quickly, I double-timed it to his office, I gotta stay frosty, for all intents and purposes he is the man.

“Sir, Private William Hudson reporting, sir!” the razor edge of my salute chopped my forehead.

The General returned the salute and walked up towards me. He looked me up and down, inspecting my face too closely for comfort.

“You little scumbag!” he screamed. “I got your name, I got your [beep]! You will not laugh, you will not cry, you will learn by the numbers, I will teach you! Pvt. Hudson you better un[beep] yourself before I unscrew your [beep] and [beep] down your [beeping][beep]! Do you hear me?”

“Sir! Yes, sir!”

“You slimy little piece of [beep]ing communist [beep]!” the General continued. “You are a puke. You are the lowest form of life on Earth. You are not even a human, [beeping] being. You are nothing but unorganized grabastic piece of amphibian [beep]!”

“Sir! Yes, sir!”

“Private Hudson, I am going to [beep] your [beeping] [beep] before you [beep] the [beeping] [beep] [beep] [beep]! You’re little [beep] is [beep] [beep] and I will [beep] the [beeping] daylights out of [beep] [beep] [beep] before this day is through! Do you understand me?”

“Sir! Yes, sir!” I shouted out. Man, I was really starting to sweat. I couldn’t believe how this guy was laying into me like this. I don’t even know why I’m here. The Commandant of the Corps should have more things to do than yell at me all day.

“Private Hudson, are you [bleeping] listening to me? ‘Cuz I am one [bleep]ing second away from [bleep]ing your [bleep] right here on this [bleep]ing—”

Suddenly he stopped. It was a long second, I felt like my [beep]s were sweating off. Then he grinned and wrapped his arm around me.

“Ha ha ha! Private Hudson!” he laughed. “I really [beep]ed you up good, didn’t I? You didn’t know if your [beep] was [beeping] coming or going!”

“Yes sir,” I managed a grin.

“Look here, Private,” he leaned close to me. “I’ve got an extra special mission just for you. This one comes from all the way up the top of the flagpole.”

I sucked in my breath. “You mean?”

“That’s right,” he said holding up a thick sheet of orders. “From the office of the Queen of the Galaxy herself. You are to lead a squad of troops undercover on a top secret mission!”

“Me? Lead a squad?”

“That’s right,” he produced another order. “We are going to frock you to sergeant. Effective immediately.”

“Me? A sergeant?”

“OK. Corporal,” the General said. “Now, I have to give you the lowdown on the mission and we have to pick and train your squad. Are you ready for this?”

“Sir, yes sir!”


Karnov said...

A promotion. Congrats. Hoo-ah!

Master Yoda said...

To the Temple, the commandant came once. Windu he made cry.

Wedge Antillies said...

Ahhh, the mantle of command. The double-edged sword of leadership. The [beeping] [beep] of [beeeeeeeeeeep].

Make us proud, Hudson!

**tear** **sniff**

Lt. Cmdr Oneida said...

I'm sure some very valuable and useful info was lost in the bleeping. But I suppose it was all confidential.

That guy came to our ship once. He had so many bleeps the clones thought we were playing comando mad libs. It all went downhill from there

Professor Xavier said...

I bet the [beep] is something totally innocuous, like dang or drat, and you're just afraid the FCC is going to come after you so your being cautious. Right?

Anonymous said...

Marines sure use alot of bleeps

cons on the promotion Hudson

Private Hudson said...

You got that right, Professor. No way am I gonna have a repeat of when I showed my breast during the Superbowl!

flu said...

Why'd he call you a corporal right after frocking you to sergeant.

Was he just yanking your chain?

Potty-mouthed individuals like chain-yanking.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Fluke: he was just yanking the chain of command.

Lt: Comando mad lib- very funny

Private Hudson: What the tirle without pay. I can see why it called getting frocked

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Believe me, I've been a corporal, you get all of the hassles of a Jr. NCO with none of the perks.

Vegeta said...

That guy probaly makes the bleep ,machine explode

Lori said...

Holy Spit!!!....LOL

Have a great day!!!