The Life Cycle of a Delicious Smiley Face Cookie

Intergalactic Update

Hey hey all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Don’t worry, I’m not dead yet.

(Go to this site to hear Not Dead Yet by the Bad Examples. Ties it up nicely, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I’ve been around but I’ve been super busy. For some reason, I decided that going to graduate school would be a good career move. Yep, I’m getting my MBA – Masters in Beating up Aliens.

So my first class was Introduction to Managerial Mathematics, and let me tell you it was tough. Barbie was right, math is hard! It was difficult for me but math has always been difficult for me, I passed though and got a very solid 81.75%. I have now moved on to my finance class and that’s hard too! Fortunately, when I get this done, I won’t have to worry about math ever again, right? Right?

Since I’m not dead yet I’m hanging out over at the Straight Dope message boards. And since I’m over there, I figured I’d make an Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator thread. And I will tell you this: It’s guaranteed to be entertaining or double your money back!*

* Offer not valid on planet Earth. Please consult your owner’s manual before attempting to claim double your money back. Offer may contain peanuts, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while claiming your money back. Do not use while sleeping. Edited for television. No other warranty expressed is implied. Please consult your physician before obtaining double your money back. Do not taunt Double Your Money Back. No purchase necessary, please submit receipt to enter. Keep in cool, dry place. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. This message represents the official view of the voices in my head. No animals were harmed by this guarantee. Offer void in Australia because those kangaroos think they’re so special, don’t they? Do not read warranty backwards. Do not sign here, for internal use only. Do not put warranty in mouth or anus. Do not use warranty while dispensing gasoline.

Yo Joe!

Hey everyone, check out my new post over at Company Apprentice where I interview for a job with none other than Cobra Commander himself. Can you believe it?

You can?

Can you believe he just kicked a dog like that?

Don't Stop reading My Posts

Good evening to all my Junior Intergalacitc Gladiators out there. If you guessed that I have another post over at the Company Apprentice, you guessed right.

“Hi, I’m Richard Head and I’m an alcoholic.” The second executive shook my hand. “And we’ve got to be honest with you, we’ve got a lot of shows in the works. You’re really going to have to wow us today.”

“We need you to engage us with synergy!” Margeaux added as she pushed her hands together. “We’re looking for something with pizzazz – but not too much pizzazz, we need something that people will want to watch. Something that will put money in the bank.”


“Of course,” I answered. “That’s why I would like to show you Team One: Criminal Intent.”

“Hmmm,” Richard rubbed his forefinger on his upper lip. “Isn’t there already a similar show to this?”

Head on over to the post and check it out. Stick around while you're at it, there's a lot of good stuff going on over there (mostly from Team One, I admit).

Read my post, you will

Hey ho everybody, I'm still kicking it over at the Company Apprentice. This week we have a very special task guest judged by non other than Master Yoda himself!

“Good afternoon, Yoda,” Nepharia greeted the Jedi Master. “I am Dar*ahem* Nepharia, the El Jefe for Team One and this afternoon we would like to show you our multipart plan to bring more tourism to Dagobah. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has been working on the advertising campaign and I believe that he has a presentation to share with you at this time.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Yoda,” I stretched out my hand towards him.

“Remember you I do,” the diminutive wizard spoke. “Sing to me that lame song you have and crash into my backyard in your spaceship you did.”

“Heh heh, yes of course,” I chuckled.

If that doesn't get you itchin' to read the full post, I don't know what will! Go on over there and check it out.

Read My Post again!

A great good afternoon to all my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there on the InterN.E.T. I'm still chugging away on The Company Apprentice, in fact, I'm the El Jefe for this week's task.

Check it out:

“And so I think this week’s task we’ll have the perfect opportunity to—” Professor Xavier paused. “Jon, are you listening?”

“Sorry, dude,” I replied. “Every time I hit F5 on my Wristcomm, it plays that Money song.”

Professor Xavier and Nepharia looked at each other. “Have you been drinking again?” she asked.

“Jus’ a little,” I pinched my fingers together and squinted. “I’m a’ight… really. You smell nice. Brrrrrrup.”

What happens next? Read it here!

Read My Post

I've been out for a while, but I posted on the Company Apprentice. Here's a little teaser:

I stumbled off the campus to Springfield Heights Institute of Technology holding all of the possessions that I had with me. Actually, I was kindly escorted out by the college’s security force. And by “kindly,” I mean “forcibly.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been kicked out of finer institutions than yours,” I shouted/mumbled back at them. “I’ve been kicked out of Brown, Vassar, and McHenry County College.”

Well this is really weird, I know I was supposed to come here and talk to the kids that we recruited in our new secret society, I wrote it all down here on my hand. That’s weird, my hand appears to be all smudged. Weirder still, I appear to be talking to a small dog right now.

“What do you mean I’m not supposed to be here?” I asked the dog.

The dog yapped back at me.

What happens next? Find out here.

The Company Apprentice

Another quick note to all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Check out the new reality show The Company Apprentice. I'm in it and I will be competing to win the grand prize of a dream job as a

A paper salesman?

Let me check this contract I just signed...

Script Cleaners

Hey everyone, there's a new blog in town called Script Cleaners and I just happen to have a post on it about the Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight.

When this movie hit the theaters, a lot of people were calling it the best “comic book movie” made and talked about how it transcended the genre. It wasn’t just a comic book movie, it was a really good movie that happened to have these comic characters in it.

Better late than never for me, but I did finally see it recently. That being said, it was a pretty good movie, it dealt with some interesting issues. It had big explosions and you could tell that director Christopher Nolan wasn’t just trying to make explosions and chase scenes, he wanted something more.

And yet…

Want to read more? Click here for the link.

Alien Case Files #52.43a: The Judoon

Ah yes, the Jadoon, a galactic police force – or more accurately, a race of thugs – who resemble bipod rhinoceros.

Armed with scanners, energy weapons and magic markers, these creatures do (barely) follow galactic law and are even used by the Shadow Proclamation as mercenaries. According to some sources, they are so dedicated to their work that they even sleep with their boots on. Of course all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators know that sleeping with your boots on often leads to trench foot. Be smart, don’t start.

Here are a couple of video clips featuring the Jadoon in action. Links will open in a separate window.

The Jadoon in Action Number 1.

The Jadoon in Action Number 2.

As you can see, these thugs don’t seem particularly smart and I often wonder how they became a space-faring race in the first place. I can only assume that a super advanced civilization accidentally left all of their ships on the Jadoon planet and now half the galaxy reaps the benefits of that mistake.

My advice to anyone encountering a Jadoon is to turn and get away if possible. If you can’t, just follow their orders and eventually they’ll accomplish their task or get distracted and leave. Whatever you do, don’t hit one of them or it’s sentence: execution.

A final note, Dr. Gaz created a pretty awesome video featuring the Jadoon. Check out the embed below and then go let him know you think it’s fantastic.

Haiku Summer: Add-a-mendemum

OK, so I missed a couple of comments in an earlier post. I’m not sure how that happened. I’m here to make it up to you because you know what they say? They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator always gets his man!” No wait, that doesn’t sound right. They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator sometimes writes haiku or something.” That doesn’t sound quite right either. Whatever. It is all good, as they say.

For Henchman:
He is the Henchman
Sneaky, dirty, conniving
And a great dancer

Mechanical strength
Summons beast from the abyss
Plus that winning smile

For Dr. Zaius:
Robot hands of No
Held cash for the Chinese mob
Now they are glowing

On top of that, last week at the Absorbascon, he had Haiku Tuesday. Check out these fresh beats:

The Flash is as smart
As the Green Lantern is dumb
They're the Odd Couple.

Blogoversary

Holy cow everybody. I almost just totally missed my fourth blogoversary. We need to go back and take a look at my previous ones!

Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more. More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait. Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we? On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course. I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat. I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.” “Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?” “Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.” “What is it?” asked Jan. “What could it be?” asked Rocksun. “Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?” “VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.” “Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!” “Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.” “Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?” “Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer. Along the way, we found Hudson. "Tractor beam off?" I asked Hudson. "Sure is," he replied. "I took out some troops along the way, too." "Really?" "Yup," he nodded. "Totally quiet and sneaky-like. I am like Snake Eyes, a stone cold totally quiet killer. They never saw me coming." "So you're silent but violent?" I asked. "You got it," he grinned, full of pride. I stopped. "Wait a minute, what's today's date?" "You mean on Earth, or the Queen's Galactic Calendar?" asked Jan. "On Earth," I replied. I dialed up the calendar on my Wristcomm. "Hey, it's May 19th!" "So?" shrugged Hudson. "Tomorrow is my one year blogoversary!" I answered, allowing for more excitement than my current situation should allow. "Oh, well, happy blogoversary," said Hudson. "Yes, happy blogoversary," smiled Jan. Then she looked down. "I don't have a blog." "Maybe some day you will," I answered. "Hey, why don't we take a look at my first post." Jan and Hudson nodded in agreement and I called up my blog on my Wristcomm, then went to the first entry: I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket. Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory. Victory, thy taste is sweet. "That was... nice," Jan said. "I liked that action hero line," Hudson smiled. "The eyes have it! The eyes have it! The eyes have it!" "Yeah, well, sometimes I need work on those lines." I looked out past the fourth wall. "I want to thank everyone who's visited me here for the past year. You know who you are, go on stand up and give yourselves a big hand. Great. Now, just the ladies. Now just the men. Now just the men pretending to be ladies. Ha, I got you! Now you two in the back! Go on, stand up and clap." Thank you. “That was splendid” said the Queen. “Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!” Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand. Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…

That was super. I hope everyone had a swell time reading my blog this year.

#@(*&% Blagojevich burgers are on me! Yum-o!

Haiku Summer IV

OK, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I had a lot of fun with the haiku, so let’s end this with a bang. Submit your requests in the comments section below.


Summer’s just starting
Warm air, sunshine, nice weather
Let’s go see Star Trek


Captain Han Solo
Is all mushy for Leia
Laugh it up, fuzzball


For Dr. Zaius:
Sarah L Palin
She’s on a bridge to nowhere
Please, just go away

Update: For Captain Picard:
They're brave on Stargate
Jumping through a big portal
That looks like a loo

Haiku Summer III

Don’t stop me now kids, I’m on a roll!

(Well not literally. I don’t go around sitting on bread, that would be silly. You know what I mean)

For Captain Picard:
Money's tight right now
Even on the Enterprise
Worf gets out to push

Star Fleet's strapped for cash
Those Dilythium Crystals
Sure are expensive

For Jason Todd:
Jason Todd was caught
Stealing hubcaps from Batman
So make him Robin?

For MWB:
He wants no culture
Online, but can we have boobs
As well as good taste?

Haiku Summer, Part II

Writing haikus is fun! It’s fun and cultured! I got so much culture, it’s coming out of my butt.

I’m totally jazzed that you are getting into it too; did you see the haiku from Captain Picard and Yoda? Yoda even wrote a great one about Gollum. Here are some more haiku for your enjoymentude:



I love my wife and
Want to make love to her bod
As well as her mind


My daughter Kiera
Really really loves horses
I won’t buy her one


Paxton is talking
Naming everything he sees
Seagulls are now hawks


OK Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’ll write more if you want them.

Put your requests in the comments.

Intergalactic Gladiators, ho!

Haiku Summer

Summer of what?

That’s right, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’m on a haiku kick right now and I’ll write one just for you. It can be about anything, politics, space travel, movies. You name it (just ix-nay on the onkeyboy-may, OK?)!

Just to start things off a little, I wrote this one for Dr. Zaius’s post about Bristol Palin going on the talk show circuit to talk about abstinence:

Bristol's on TV
Showing us her abstinence
Good job, you dummy

So come one, come all. Send in your orders via the comment section below. This is just like Summer of iDoodles, but with poetry, so you know it’s cultured!

Update! For Dr. Zaius:

One haiku for brains
And one for chocolate cake
Or one that has both?

The Most Interesting Man in the Galaxy

He once built a powerful supercomputer using only duct tape, two circuit boards, a ship’s steering wheel, and a less powerful supercomputer.


He once surfed the tail of a comet because it seemed like a cool thing to do.


He once defended a small village on planet Cruxes IV from a giant gelatin monster using only a fifty gallon drum of whipped cream and a wooden spoon.


He once made a suit entirely out of bacon and dared the lions at the zoo to take a bite.

None took him up on it.

He is the most interesting man in the galaxy.

“I don’t always drink beer, but when I do, it’s Dos Equis. I mean, usually, sometimes I’ll have a Sierra Nevada or maybe even a PBR if that’s all they have. Oh wait, it’s Cinco de Mayo! Of course I’m drinking a Dos Equis, that’s all I have. It’s way better than that Corona stuff.

Stay thirsty, my friends.”

Hudson: On Leave

Yo man, it’s the H-Man here, comin’ at you hard and loud.

So anyway, I gotta bit of leave time saved up (I try not to go on leave – who knows what kind of awesome bughunts I’d miss if I did) and after that close call on Space Station Alphala, I figured I could use a vacation. Maybe I can go get some Arcturian Tang. I love that orange space drink.

I was kind of worried that my LT wouldn’t let me go on leave, seeing as how I’m so important to the squad. Nobody can grease a 5-Ton like I can grease a 5-Ton. I’m talking about vehicles not fat chicks, byt the way, but LT said “Sure, go ahead. Take as long as you want.” It’s great that my lieutenant is so cool with me, it seems like half the time he doesn’t even ask where I’m going ‘cuz he knows I’m doing something boucoup important.

So here I am out on leave at one of the galaxy’s greatest pleasure planets, just chilaxing by the pool and---


Oh my God, this is not happening! This is not happening. They’re at the pool, they’re at the goram pool!


You kids, get away, man! That thing's going to come in there and it's gonna get you! It’ll be game over for you, man!


Oh jeez, you way hot space pirate ladies are in trouble! Don’t let that thing get you, man! They got acid blood that they spit on you and you’ll be all like “Aghhhhgghh! It got me!”


Oh man! Oh God! Oh Man! It’s got you! It’s freaking fracking got you! Don’t worry, I got my M-41A Pulse Rifle, I’ll shoot it!


Holy crud, that was scary. Unfortunately that pretty lady was caught in the crossfire. I guess I had to kill her to save her, huh?

All this Xenomorph killing sure did get me all wound up, man. I know a nice way to calm down, I’ll just go to a movie and relax.


Ahhhhhhhhhh!

I can't blog today

Dear bloggers I sing this song for to tell you of my plight,
At the time of writing this, I am not a pretty sight,
Me body is all black and blue; me face a deathly gray,
And I hope you'll understand why I can't blog with you today.

I was workin' on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear,
And throwin' 'em down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased, he bein' an awful sod,
He said I'd have to take them down the ladder in me hod.

Now shiftin' all them bricks by hand seemed so awful slow,
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below.
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see,
That a barrel full of buildin' bricks was heavier than me.

Now when I untied the rope, the barrel it fell like lead,
And clingin' tightly to the rope I started up instead.
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found,
That halfways up, I met the bloody barrel comin' down.

Now the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped,
And when I reached the top I struck the pulley with me head.
I still clung on though numbed and shocked from this almighty blow,
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below.

Now when the bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor,
I then outweighed the barrel and it started up once more.
Clingin' tightly to the rope then, I headed for the ground,
And I fell among the broken bricks that were scattered all around.

As I lay moanin' on the ground, I thought I'd passed the worst,
And the barrel struck the pulley wheel and didn't the bottom burst.
A shower of bricks came down on me, sure I didn't have a hope,
And as I was losin' consciousness, I let go the bloody rope.

Now the barrel being heavier, it started down once more,
And landed right across me as I lay there on the floor.
I broke three ribs and me left arm, and I can only say,
That I hope you understand why I can't blog today with you today.

Separated at Birth VII: Your all Superbowl Edition

A big hello to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators today, the Separated at Birth supercomputer is going to take a little break from its current work of calculating the subatomic formula for keeping the hot side hot and the cold side cold to bring you another award winning* edition of Separated at Birth.

And because we are merely days away from The Big Game, I’ve got this puppy tuned up to present to you the all-NFL Separated at Birth. Are you ready? Strap on your seatbelts because here we go!


Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin and Dr. Eric Foreman are Separated at Birth!


Green Bay Packers coach Mike McCarthy and that King of Queens guy are Separated at Birth!

I don’t know what the deal is, but apparently there are a lot of coaches with the name Mike. Here’s another coach named Mike who’s Separated at Birth:


Seattle Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren and a walrus are Separated at Birth!

Amazing isn’t it? The Separated at Birth supercomputer tells no lies. Now here’s one that just may knock your socks off!


Philadelphia Eagles Coach Andy Reid, Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren and a walrus are all Separated at Birth!

Ladies and gentlemen, if this is your first Separated at Birth, then welcome to this fantastically amazing, stupendously astounding, astonishingly breathtaking event that is without peer on this INTERgalactic Network of Electronic Transmissions. People who have been here before are also welcome.


Tennessee Titans coach Jeff Fischer and that one used car salesman who pretends to be a secret agent to get women are Separated at Birth!

Ladies and gentlemen for this last Separated at Birth, I advise all pregnant women and anyone with a serious heart condition to continue no further. If you feel faint or lose feeling in your left arm, seek medical assistance immediately. You have been warned.


Chicago Bears running back Adrian Peterson and comedian Whoopi Goldberg are Separated at Birth!

Adrian, sorry to do that to you dog. If it’s any consolation, I’d rather tongue kiss you than her. It’s not? Disregard.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen for being a part of this latest Separated at Birth. Tune in next time when we’ll use the Separated at Birth supercomputer to simultaneously sort a tin can of nails and come up with the formula for New NEW Coke.

*Allegedly

The #@(*&% Blagojevich

When I saw the Dr. Zaius post about the #@(*&% Blagojevich burger I knew I had to have one. The meaty gauntlet was thrown down and it was time to step up to the (dinner) plate.

Patricia and I had always wanted to go to Kuma’s Corner, but we’ve never had the opportunity. With this new found mission of mine, however, we made a date. The kids stayed at grandma’s for the afternoon and my wife and I made our way through the Chicago snowstorm to 2900 W. Belmont.

We ordered our beers and our lunch, Patricia got the Iron Maiden. We had about an hour’s wait, but already knew that going in – the reviews we saw said that Kuma’s has one of the best burgers in town, but it takes a long time to actually get to you.

It was worth it.

The patty tasted great and was grilled perfectly; the balogna on top of it offered its smooth, salty taste to every bite. On top of that (pun intended), Kuma’s has the best ketchup that I’ve ever tasted. Way better than your ordinary ketchup, this stuff has some zing to it. The waffle fries were crispy and tasty, too, though I wanted to order the fresh-cut chips, I didn’t regret getting the fries instead.

If I had one complaint about the #@(*&% Blagojevich, it’s that it has a lot of bread on it. The grilled cheese sandwiches on either side were just a bit too much. But that’s the point, right?

I will probably never have a #@(*&% Blagojevich again, but it was definitely an amazing culinary experience. That thing knocked me out. Literally. I needed a nap that afternoon.