Stuck in an Elevator

A few months ago, my wife and kid and I went to a hash in downtown Chicago. Basically, hashing is a social running group who likes to call themselves a "drinking club with a running problem." Patricia and I met at a hash and if I may be blunt for a moment, Kiera was conceived at a hash event. We still go a couple times a month, but definitely not as often as we used to, because, you know, I'm awfully busy being an Intergalactic Gladiator and all.

Anyway, a few months ago it was the hash on the day of the Chicago Marathon. That hash is a pretty big deal and we get visitors from all over who come because they participated in or had a friend participate in the marathon. We went to the start of the hash, which was at a bar three levels below downtown Chicago, met with everyone and had a beer. When it was time to run the trail, we packed Kiera into a jog stroller and headed for the elevator to walk part of the trail to the end.

We got into an outdoor elevator with a couple other "walkers" and another couple with a stroller and pushed the up button. It started whirring, it raised a level, then with a thud, it dropped back to the first level. Though it didn't hurt or anything, we were obviously all shaking from the drop. But then the elevator did it again!

Whirrrrr THUD!

Whirrrr THUD!

Whirrrrrr THUD!

It wouldn't stop and we couldn't force our way out. I was pushed to the back and I couldn't get forward to try to pry the doors open and the people who were closest to the doors couldn't open the doors themselves. My wife called for help on the emergency phone and, very calmly, explained what was going on.

The woman on the other end asked us to hold on and she would try to get the building engineers -- it was a Sunday and it might be difficult. Meanwhile, the elevator continued to go up a little ways, thud, then drop back to the first level.

Also, I might mention that on the top level, there was a fire station. Anyone in it, however, was oblivious to our predicament.

So we lost contact with the operator and my wife called again. This time, she tried explaining as calmly as she could what exactly was happening and that there were two little kids in the elevator. I don't think the operator thought that our plight involved the giant metal coffin raising and dropping us; she may have thought that we were just stuck.

It got to the point where my wife forcefully, but very slowly and carefully explained our situation to the operator, who then got it (I think) and replied that they were still trying to get a hold of someone.

Miraculously, the elevator stopped clanging back to the ground and actually took us up to the second level. Everyone gratefully clamored out of it and we all yelled at some people who wanted to get in "Don't do it!"

We continued on. After calming down, Kiera fell asleep in the stroller, we got to the end and we had a beer (you know, to calm our nerves) and some French fries.

If there were a moral to this story, I think it would be "Always stay on trail."

Christmas Party at the Ten Forward

I think I need a break from killing vampires. Vampires are so not intergalactic. So going to Captain Picard's Enterprise Christmas Party on the Ten Forward is just what the doctor, or Emergency Medical Holigram, ordered.

I grabbed my party invitation, put on my nice suit and was heading for the Danger Sled when Private Hudson stopped me.

"Say, Jon, where are you going?" he asked.

"Oh, uh," I tried to keep the invitation out of his sight. "I have, uh, someplace to go."

It didn't work, he saw it. "Hey, that's one of those invitations to the Enterprise Christmas party, isn't it?"

"Yeah," I conceded. "Well, I gotta get going, you know what with crossing time and space and all that."

"I didn't get one," he sighed.

"That's too bad," I said. "I guess it got lost in the mail or something, huh?"

"Yeah, or something." He shoved his hands in his pockets and made a face like he just took a huge bite out of a stinkbug.

"Well, I have to get going," I tried to get around him, but he stepped in front of me again.

"Isn't that an invite for two?" he pried. "Doesn't that say that you can bring a date."

I looked it over like it was the first time I've read it. "Hmmm, why yes it does say that. Interesting."

"Are you bringing a date?" Hudson looked at me with puppy dog eyes.

"My wife can't go," I answered. "I have to get going."

Here it comes.

"Well, then can I go?"

"Hudson, I am not going to bring you to a Christmas party as a date." I said.

"Aw come on," he whined. "It's not like we're dating each other. I'm just your guest. Sheesh."

"No, I can't" I tried, "It just wouldn't be proper."

"Come on, it's the 24th Century. I'm sure they'll understand."

"No."

"Please?"

"I just can't."

"Please please please please please please please please please!" Then he added. "I'll be really good. I'll totally leave my M41A Pulse Rifle at home."

"Look, Hudson, it's just..." I trailed off. How could I explain that he's behaving like Chester the Dog in that old Bugs Bunny cartoon, bouncing all around Spike, trying to be his friend and all.

"Please?" His eyes sparkled with hope.

What happens next? Find out here!

Another Vampire!

OK, there probably shouldn't be an exclamation mark after the word vampire. We were all expecting another one, weren't we? I guess the only question would be when, where, and what it would be next.

And there she was.

When you think about it, you had to figure that she was a vampire. She's so pale and always squinty. Obviously a creature who should not see the light of day.

Also, that voice. Like rusty, squeaky talons raking down an evil chalkboard. That shrill sirening has got to be used to summon her evil bat minions. Well, either summoning bats or screwing up their sonar.

"Hello," I said. "The Count sent you?"

"That's right," she replied. "I am here to destroy you, mortal!"

She attacked, but of course I was prepared. I pulled out the wooden stake that I had with me and quickly stabbed her in the chest.

Nothing happened.

"You didn't crumble into dust," I said stunned. "You're still alive!"

"Oh I'm fine," she replied. "though, er, I've just had a rather graphic shag flashback. You do have a genuinely gorgeous bottom."

She took a swipe at me and knocked me back. Quickly, I remounted my attack and stabbed her once again.

Once again, she still stood there.

"Unbelievable!"

"Have a candy bar for your trouble," she said to me. "And thanks again for thinking of us."

"What?"

She swiped at me with her claws and knocked me to the ground. She dove for a killing blow but I managed to roll away from her.

"I despise a floggin' rooster," she growled. "Hold still!"

"Well I gotta admit I'm not so fond of vampires that don't die," I answered. I dodged another attack and stabbed her once again in the chest.

She looked at the stake in her chest. "What did you expect?" she asked. "You just take credit for killing a vampire and then everything would be fine and dandy?"

"Well, I was kind of hoping that you'd get the point that I'm trying to make. Wooden you just die?" I know, I know. I need better action hero lines.

She attacked again. Careful to avoid her bite, I pulled the stake out of her chest and stabbed her one more time.

She looked down at the stake.

"You had me at hello," she said.

Then she crumbled into dust.

Nasty Intergalactic Gladiatorses

By now, most of you playing along at home can probably guess what's going to happen.

This mysterious Count throws some lame-o vampire at me. I defeat the vampire and demand information about the Count, the vampire refuses, I turn the creature into dust.

It happened with this vampire:



With this vampire:


And with these vampires:


You could probably guess just how annoying these attacks were getting. They were interrupting my relax-on-the-couch-with-some-potato-chips time, they were getting in the way of my drink-a-beer-on-my-day-off time and they were even keeping me from my snuggle-with-my-wife time. Unfortunately, as annoying as these attacks were, I just couldn't get any information from my alleged attackers. Fortunately, they couldn't attack my in my own home as I just won't invite them in. I don't know who made that rule, but I like it. I suppose I could be worried that they might get the bank who is holding my mortgage to invite them in, but that seems rather unlikely.

Enough is enough though, and my most recent attack came from this vampire:


"Wait," I said to the thirsty bloodsucker. "You're not a vampire."

"Sure I am," it answered. "Look at my fangs."

"No, I saw you in that movie. You're Gollum, you hung with Frodo and Samwise."

"No he's not a vampire," it responded. "He doesn't like nasty Hobbitses. My precious!"

"Aw geez, and you even refer to yourself in the third person," I rolled my eyes. "Give us a break, would you?"

"Precious! Precious!"

I stabbed the creature through the heart, he crumbled to dust, end of creature.

I've got to find this Count.

Visit to the Resort Ship

I was excited to be invited to the grand opening of Noel of Neptonian's new resort ship, the Sky City. I warped over to Corruscant in the Danger Sled and took a launch to the big ship. I was greeted by a droid and welcomed aboard.

I sauntered over to a bar and got a drink from the bartender. He smiled, pointed at me and got me a beer. I took a pull from the bottle and almost bumped into someone.

"Oh hey, what's up Jon?" said the someone. Ugh, it was Private Hudson. What was he doing here?

"What are you doing here?" I asked. "You're not even from this galaxy!"

"Oh yeah, well, I got an invitation, too, man. I gotta meet this Noel babe. I bet she's totally hot, man."

He took a drink from his beer.

"Game over, man," he added.

"Well, that's nice," I said kind of absently. "Well, I wanted to go mingle a bit. See who else is here, you know."

"Oh yeah, me too," Hudson responded.

Hudson followed me as I went around the deck shaking hands with some old and new friends. Aayla was there, I haven't seen her in a long time. After we greeted each other, Hudson elbowed me and introduced himself.

"Hi, I'm Private Hudson," he said. "But tonight, you can call me Private Party. Oh yeah."

Aayla rolled her eyes. "Get lost, loser."

"Oh yeah, the H-Man magic is working!"

I tried to duck away, but again Hudson was right behind me. I saw that Captain Typho and a football player were talking to each other, I went over to greet them.

"How are you doing, Jon?" Typho asked. "I haven't seen you in a while. This is Michael Piett-man, he's with the Tafanda Bay Space Buccaneers."

I shook his hand. "Wow, this is pretty cool. Glad to meet you."

"Wait, are you the Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator?" asked Michael. "I'm a little star struck. I've never met an intergalactic gladiator before!"

"You're Michael Piett-man?" Hudson interrupted. "Hey, how come against the Alderaan Falcons last week on third and one you got stuffed for no gain? Man, you shoulda barreled right through everyone for the first."

"Who's this guy?" asked Piett-man.

"Private Hudson, Colonial Marines." Hudson held out his hand to shake Piett-man's.

"Hey Captain," I nudged Typho. "Give him the business."

Captain Typho quickly snapped into ultra-military mode.

"Attention!"

Hudson snapped to attention. His arms were ridged at his side. Typho looked his prey up and down.

"Private, you are one sad-sack mess," he drilled. "When was the last time you shaved?"

"This morning, sir."

"This morning?" snorted Typho. "Next time you're going to have to stand a little closer to your razor!"

"Yes sir."

"I can't hear you!"

"Yes sir!"

"Now look, Private," Typho really bit into the word private. "This is my vacation. I do not want to come here and have to babysit some ate-up marine who can't compose himself in front of a few celebrities. I want you to tell this man that you're sorry that you're bothered him."

Hudson's eyes grew wide "Oh my God!"

"I didn't order you to say 'Oh my God!'" yelled Typho. He was really getting into it.

"Oh my God!" Hudson said again.

"Private, if you say that one more time, you will be doing push-ups until I'm tired!"

Hudson gulped. "there's a man on the wing!"

I looked out the porthole. "This is space, this ship doesn't need a wing. It looks to be more like a sensor pylon to me. Holy cow, that is a man on it!"

I quickly ran to the airlock, put on a spacesuit and rocketed over to his location with the suit's Manned Maneuvering Unit. My plan was to rescue him, but when I got closer, it didn't look like he needed rescuing!

"Blah! I'm a Space Vampire!" he said. "I'm going to bite your neck!"

"How are you going to bite my neck?" I asked. "I'm wearing a space suit!"

"OK, I guess I hadn't thought of that!" the monster conceded.

"And how do you survive in space?" I asked.

"I'm a vampire!" he said. "I do not need to breathe! Mua ha ha ha ha!"

"Well, how come you're not burning up from the solar winds?" I asked.

"Look," he said. "I'm a monster, dangit. I've been sent here to bite your neck and suck your blood. Gimme a break, I'm not here to give you a physics lesson."

"Who sent you?" I asked.

"The Count!" he howled.

"Who is the count?" I demanded.

"I'm not telling!" With that, he lunged at me.

Quickly, I spun out of his way. When he lunged at me again, I booted him in the stomach.

"You should get a kick out of that!" I said.

"Whulfff, that was bad. You really need better action hero lines."

I fired the rockets on my spacesuit, launched myself at him and grabbed him as we collided. The momentum carried us away from the Sky City. I then threw him towards Corruscant's sun and adjusted my rockets to stop my own momentum.

"Don't like my lines? Well that just burns me up," I said. Maybe he was right.

The Space Vampire howled as his momentum increased dramatically towards the sun. As he flew towards it, his skin began to crumble. Soon he was no more than so much dust burning into the bright star.

This was the Count's second attack against me and I still did not know who he was or where he is.

"Count!" I yelled out into the cold, empty space. "COUNT!"

The mystery deepens

After thinking about a number of different Counts 4 a very long time, the 1 thing I wanted to do was 2 get 2 the bottom of this mystery. I am not much of a meditator, and I certainly am not a just-sit-around-and-wait kind of guy, but I was missing several pieces of this puzzle. I had no choice but to wait for this Count's next move.


Fortunately, I didn't have long to wait. Fast as quicksilver, I was attacked. I knew the attack would come, but I didn't know when. Despite this, I was on my toes, but the fierce attack had me reeling.


I defended my assailant's karate kicks and flying chops, but my own blows seemed to have no affect. My enemy was fast and relentless, And his breath smelled like death itself.

Fortunately, I had my Sonic Stunner strapped to my arm. I charged it up and took aim. The sonic blast now had him reeling. Nothing alive with ears or the need for equilibrium could withstand the ultrafrequency attack.


He howled and clasped his ears, that's when I got a good look at my attacker. It was none other than a vampire!

"Just in time for Halloween," I muttered to myself.

I grabbed the endead bloodsucker by his lapels.

"Who sent you?" I demanded.

"The Count!" he howled.

"Who is the Count!" I demanded.

"I dare not speak his name!" he howled back.

"Who sent you?" I yelled at the top of my lungs.

"The Count!" the vampire howled back once again.

The vampire summoned his strength and tore himself loose. He charged me again, his claw-like fingers aimed at me like ten deadly lances. His sharp teeth glistened in the moonlight. He drew nearer and his rush grew faster. He howled and was nearly upon me, ready to tear into my flesh. The howl reached a crescendo and he lunged.

I stepped to the side, stuck out my foot and he stumbled to the ground.

Quickly, I broke a branch from a nearby tree and stabbed him through the heart.

"Oh Darla!" the Vampire hissed. He then let out a death sigh and vaporized into dust.

So, my enemy is a vampire. I'll be ready for him.

Counting Counts

A letter from The Count. The Count. Who is this The Count? I had to figure this out, so I sat down with a pencil and paper and started thinking about all of the Counts that I could think of.

Count Dooku

Could Dooku be this mysterious Count? He is evil, but last I heard, he was at Palpatine's, making his life miserable. I can't count Dooku out, but it is not likely him.

The Count

I suppose that it is also possible that my new adversary is Count von Count from Sesame Street, but he isn't so much evil as he has some sort of compulsion to count everything in sight. If push comes to shove, I think that I could distract him by asking him to count bricks on the wall or blades of grass.

Also, he's a puppet.


Count Olaf

Count Olaf is pretty evil, I suppose, but I just can't put this rubber-faced miscreant in the "Super Villain" category that my mystery villain appears to be a part of. Olaf is an actor and has a flair for the dramatic, sure, but he has his hands full trying to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, and can't even defeat three kids to get it.


The Count of Monte Cristo

I cannot believe this delicious sandwich could be evil. The Monte Cristo is ham and chicken sandwich dipped in egg and fried. The Monte Cristo is dangerous to my cholesterol level only.


Count Blah

Count Blah is a knock-off of Sesame Street's The Count from the cancelled TV show Greg The Bunny. I also don't think he's really evil. Oh yes, and he's a puppet, too.


Count Basie

I can't believe that Count Basie is my nemesis, either. He wasn't evil, he was a jazz musician. Plus he is no longer with us, so he's probably kickin' it in on a cloud and has no time for Earthly concerns.


Count Chocula

Oh delicious choclatey breakfast cereal, you could never be evil.


Count Maurice Maeterlinck

During my search, I found information on Count Maeterlinck, who was a Nobel Prize-winning poet. He also died in 1949. Because he was a poet and the winner of an award established by the inventor of dynamite, I cannot believe that this is the count that I am looking for.


Count Floyd

Count Floyd is a former subpar horror show host from some cancelled Canadian show. He mostly howls and introduce bad scary movies. He's not evil as far as I can tell.

Count Leo Tolstoy

I didn't even know Tolstoy was a Count!

I did some more research on the Internet. A count is a European nobleman. There are many count characters in literature and film, but they are all older and/or in romance stories and I just can't believe that any of these characters would declare himself my enemy. So who is this Count? Who could this Count possibly be?

(Turns to audience)

Do you know who this Count is...?

A Letter From the Count

Interesting.

I recieved a letter in the mail today. It had no return address and I could not recognize the handwriting.

The letter said:

Dear Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,

I have been watching you from afar and I am sincerely marveled by your prowess and abilities. Your tenacity and cunning is truly something to behold.

I am, however, compelled to confront and destroy you. You will not be able to escape me or my powers of darkness.

I am a dweller of the shadows, the dark of night is my ally and my weapon. I will destroy you soon, but first I am compelled to toy with you as a black cat would toy with it's prey.

To that I must say, we will meet soon. Until then, take care and have a good night, if you dare.

-- The Count

I was confounded by this letter. Who is this Count and why is he now hunting me?

Movie Review: Starship Troopers

OK, check this out, so I'm watching this movie, Starship Troopers and they start out talking about how there are bugs that they have to fight, and I'm thinkin' cool, go shoot up them bugs! Game over for the bugs, man. But then they go and show these kids in high school learning about what it takes to become a citizen. One of the quickest ways is military service. OK, I like that part. Some civilians are just too stupid sometimes, you know. Like, how many people do you know who can field strip an M41A Pulse Rifle? Not many Hmmm?

Any way, the teacher has this cool robot hand and he got it while he was in the military and I think having that hand has to be convenient for opening beer cans and pushing people away when you have to go shoot bugs or something. So then the kids graduate and Johnny Rico wants to go Mobile Infantry, which is sort of like Colonial Marines (but not as good, of course). His girl is becoming a pilot (I like hot pilots!) but she's totally hanging out with this pretty boy pilot jerk. If it were up to me, Pretty Boy would be meeting the business end of my M41A, if you know what I mean.

So, Johnny is in Boot Camp and one of his guys gets shot in the head in a training accident! Oh man! Johnny is sentenced to a public lashing and his Drill Sergeant gives him something to bite on while he whips shirtless Johnny and his big man-nipples. Everyone's watching 'cuz it's in front of the other troops.

This scene makes me very uncomfortable. It's not the whipping itself, it's the two soldiers involved. Everyone knows that the H-Man is a ladies man and these two guys seem to like each other a little bit too much, if you know what I mean.

So everyone graduates from Boot and they go off to fight the war. This is the part I like, and they go off to fight, ughh, bugs. I hate bugs. Can't stand 'em, never could, but the Mobile Infantry guys go off to the planet and start shooting everything in sight. That I like.

Then they go defend a fort out in the middle of nowhere, and I'm like game over man, and a bunch of guys totally get eaten and smashed by the bugs and they're totally getting their butts kicked there. The bugs are coming out of the walls and the troops are effed now! A general gets smashed by a bug, too, but that's OK I guess because I've never seen a general field strip an M41A.

So Johnny's hot and pouty girl flies down and picks them up and most of them are OK, except Johnny's other hot girlfriend, Hot Redhead. Johnny got to see Hot Redhead take off her shirt and space bra, so I know Johnny's on the up and up and I like him more now. Hot Redhead doesn't make it and they have a great military funeral for her and shoot her off into space and Johnny's like "Let's go kick them bug asses now!" and all the other guys are like "Hell yeah!"

So they go back to Bug Planet and they start shooting everything in sight and Johnny rescues Hot Pouty and Pretty Boy and they find a big brain bug! Oh man! So they haul out Brain Bug and Johnny's other friend, who's a colonel now and most likely doesn't know which end of a M41A is which, but he looks at the Brain Bug and says "Hey everyone, he's afraid!" and all the troops cheer.

So then they show the scientists totally sticking a prod up the Brain Bug's butt so they know how to fight 'em now. Johnny gets to lead all the troops and Hot Pouty gets to command her own battleship and all the bugs get totally shot and blown up. Game over for the bugs!

I love this movie, I love the bugs getting smashed, the only thing I don't like is that everyone is getting promoted. I've been in this man's Colonial Marines for 8 years and I'm still a private. Anyway, that's a small complaint and I give the movie 5 shots from my trusty M41A Pulse Rifle!

Fluke Starbucker action figures!

It's the day after Thanksgiving and of course the stores are experiencing the mad rush of people cramming their way in to do their Christmas shopping. I have to admit, I was there. I wasn't there to buy a DVD player on sale or a Dust Buster. I was there for the toys. I got through the doors and sprinted to the toy section and what did I see? Lo and behold, Fluke Starbucker action figures! I was so excited. Remember, don't call them dolls.

It was pretty neat to see this great hero sitting on the shelves. Here he is in his Tatooine farmer outfit and blast helmet.


This appears to be a toy for younger kids, the manufacturer kind of made a caricature of Fluke with the exaggerated feet and the big goofy grin. I've never seen Fluke with a big goofy grin like that. Of course, he comes with his blast helmet.


I guess this is a nice outfit for him, the smoking jacket kind of look, I suppose. I don't know, that outfit does look kind of familiar, I just can't place it though.


See, now this confused me even more. I don't believe that I've ever seen Fluke in armor like this. Ever. I guess the manufacturer wants a wide variety of Fluke toys to increase play value or profit margins or something. It's like those Batman figures; you get Power Armor Batman, Ice Attack Batman, Stealth Batman, Laser Batman, Laser Stealth Batman, Laser Batman with Shrimp, Ice Princess Batman and everything else Batman that they can come up with.


Fluke Starbucker wasn't the only figure in the line, either! They had Friends Of Ole Fluke figures there, too! It was pretty neat, but it appeared to me that there were not a lot of Fracks, but there were a lot of Fricks. I don't get it, but it looks like the Frick figures are the peg warmers.


The last Fluke figure that I found there really confused me. I have no idea why they would make this thing. It looks like a Pimp Daddy Fluke. I just don't understand why they're trying to sell this.

Happy Thanksgiving

Yes it is a day early, happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.

When Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator was but a young lad, so young and full of life, he wrote a poem about Thanksgiving:

Thanksgiving is the time of year
When all the turkeys disappear
But still, it makes me shrill
to see blood red
So I'm having Kentucky Fried Chicken instead

An exceptional ballad don't you think? Feel free to snap your fingers if you are so inclined. I did win something for it, I don't remember what, though. Maybe a book about turkeys or something.

My Appointment With Destiny

J'onn Sinew Nu called me into his office.

"Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," he said. "We've been worried about you."

"Really?" I asked. "For what reason?"

"Well, you lost your Monkeyboy," said Sinew Nu. "Your comedy relief sidekick died right in front of you. I know how hard that's affected you."

I chuckled silently to myself. "Oh don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"That's why I scheduled an appointment for you with our league psychiatrist."

"A psychaiatrist?" I asked.

"That's right," he said. "You have an appoitment with Destiny. Dr. Destiny."

I felt fine, so I figured that it would be quick. If I didn't agree, Sinew Nu would never get off my back, right? Of course he wouldn't.

"Tell me about your childhood," said Dr. Destiny as I was sitting on a couch next to him.


"It was fine," I replied. "I had good parents, two sisters. We weren't rich, but my parents took good care of us."

"What about trauma?" he dug. "Anything really traumatic happen to you in your youth?"

"Well, I did fall off the roof once," I offered.

"Ah yes," the doctor said. "You almost became a Ladder Day Saint."

"Yeah, that's what I said at the end of the post," I pointed out.

"Of course, of course," he replied. "Any other trauma from your youth?"

"Well, I did break my nose and sprain my ankle while wrestling in high school."

"So you are still grappling with those issues? Tell me, what did you dream about last night?"

"Well, it's kind of odd," I scratched my chin and thought. "Usually, I don't really remember my dreams, but I remember last night's. I dreamnt that I was a curtain."

"Oh my," said Dr. Destiny writing on his pad. "You've got to pull yourself together. Tell me, when you are flying through space, do you feel like a planet, a comet, or a star?"

I thought for a moment. "I feel like a star," I said. "A dwarf star."

"You seem brighter than that," Destiny replied. "Do you remember any other dreams?"

"Well, a few months ago, I dreamnt that I was a teepee."

"Mmm hmm."

"Right after that, I dreamnt that I was a lean-to."

"Obviously, you are too tents," the doctor surmised. "Go on."

"Once I dreamnt that I was a pirate standing on a pile of treasure. The pile was very small, though," I remembered.

"So you're saying that booty is only shin deep," he said. "I want you to picture yourself in a park. What do you see?"

"Well, there's a man in whiteface," I imagined. "He wants me to lick his face, but I want get away from him."

"That is understandable," Destiny replied. "A mime is a terrible thing to taste. where are you now?"

"I'm in an ambulance. I'm missing my left ventricle."

"You sound half-hearted. What else do you think about?"

"Well, the world's full of apathy," I answered. "But I really don't care."

"How about fears?" he pressed. "Do you fear anything?"

"No," I replied. "I have no fears."

"None?" he pressed again.

"Well, I do have Aibohphobia."

"Ah, an irrational fear of palindromes," he offered. "How about pet peeves, does anything really set you off?"

"Well, it really bugs me when people don't proofread," I said. "When writing, people have to be very careful not to any words out."

"You have a very good point," he said. "You seem very healthy, but do you have any compulsions, like kleptomania?"

"No, not kleptomania," I shook my head.

"Well if you did," Dr. Destiny offered. "I have something you can take for it. Do you know any good jokes?"

I thought for a momment. "OK, a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer would cost. The bartender says 'For you, no charge.'"

Dr. Destiny laughed heartily then looked at his watch. "Well Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it looks like you are just fine. And since our time is just about up, I really must get going, I have movers taking my bed away this afternoon."

"Sounds like you're about to be debunked."

Check This Out

I'm ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT want to eff with me. Check it out! Hey everybody, don't worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badboys will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Whoa! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks--


Oh my God, what is that? A bug, man! Oh dear Lord Jesus, this ain't happening, man... This can't be happening, man! This isn't happening! I don't know if you noticed or not, but we just got our butts kicked there!


What? Oh, that was just a box elder bug. Nothing to worry about.


As I was saying, me and my buddies were in a bughunt once. All my comrades were totally surrounded by aliens and I pulled out my M41A pulse rifle and it was game over for them! Game over, man!


People come up to me all the time and they say "Private Hudson, what makes you so bad?" And I say "8 years of being a Colonial Marine, too many firefights to count, hundreds of hours of combat training and the best weapons available. That's what makes a man like me 'so bad.'"


All the ladies want some of this, too. Don't you believe that all them chicks just want a pilot or fancy corporate guy. When they get a look at the H-Man, that's right, "Game Over."


Oh man, a bug! We're in some real pretty stuff now man... That's it man, game over man, game over! What the heck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?


Oh wait, that was just a ladybug. I like ladybugs.


See people, there's absolutely nothing to worry about when Private Hudson is here. You can all just relax and enjoy lookin' at the H-Man.

"Oh sh--"

This post is rated PG for adult language. Reader discretion is advised.

Shortly before Kiera turned two, she started listening to what we were saying very carefully and mimicking it. Now I am no sailor, but I know my share of curse words. My wife, on the other hand, is a Chicago Public School teacher and and has learned some very creative language from her students. So we tried to be careful what we were saying in front of the girl. I even started saying "son-u-mar bitch" instead of "son of a bitch," to keep the phrase far from her vocabulary.

One day, however, my wife said "Oh shit" after dropping a box of cereal.

We hoped that Kiera didn't pick it up, but several days later Kiera was playing with a necklace when she dropped it and said "Oh shit."

"You really shouldn't say that," said Patricia.

"Yes I should," Kiera said. "I dropped it."

Who could argue with that logic?

So my wife and I tried very hard not to empower that word. If Kiera said it again, we wouldn't hop up and down yelling. We would very carefully choose our words and tell her that saying that is not appropriate.

One day, Patricia had Kiera strapped into her carseat, they were cut off by another car and Patricia muttered "Oh shit" under her breath.

"Mommy, did you say 'Oh shit?'" Kiera asked.

"Oh, I really shouldn't say that" my wife replied. "We really shouldn't say that word."

"We shouldn't say 'Oh shit?'" the youngling inquired.

"Right," Patricia affirmed.

"You mean 'Oh shit?"

"You shouldn't say that."

"You shouldn't say 'Oh shit?'" Kiera asked again.

"Kiera, stop saying that," said my wife.

"Stop saying what?" Kiera asked. "'Oh shit?'"

At that point, my wife had to pull over because she was laughing so hard.

A few Impressions

Thank you everyone for stopping by today. I would like to entertain you with a few impressions.


For my first impression, Captain Picard:

"Numbah one, engage."

Next, Sean Connery from Dragonheart:

"I am the lasht dragon!"

My next impression is Jeff from Coupling:

"Breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts."

Darth Vader:

"Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke, I am your father."

Luke Skywalker:

"Nooooooooo!"

Legendary baseball announcer Harry Caray:

"Cubs win! Cubs win! Holy cow!

Hollywood actor and World War II pilot Jimmy Stewart:

"I wish I had a million dollars. Hot dog!"

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host Robin Leach:

"That Champaign-filled hottub cost over five million dollaaaars."

Homer Simpson:
"D'oh!"

Professor Charles Xavier:

"I'm Charles Xavier. Would you like some breakfast?"

My final impression, Wolverine:

"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do ain't pretty, bub."

Thank you, that's all for now, good night everybody!

Politics Make Strange Bedfellows

One of the things I like about being an Intergalactic Gladiator is the opportunity that being one gives me to reach out to the fans. I can't do this a lot (the universe is a big place, after all), but when I do, it really does feel great to see what a positive role model I can be for them.




I was speaking at a high school yesterday. It was the typical "stay in school, don't do drugs" type of speech that I like to give, and the kids really responded to it. I always felt that if I could reach out to one kid and make his or her life better, it's all worth it.




After my speech, I used my time there to walk around the halls a bit to meet the teachers and students. I saw a T-shirt on one that really caught my eye.




"Does that shirt say what I think it says?" I ask.

"What does it look like? Gosh!"

"You want Palpatine to be the Chancellor of the senate?" I asked

"Heck yeah," the student replied. "Palpatine's got all kinds of skills, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... People only want Chancellors who have great skills."

"Don't you know his dark secret? His connection to the Sith?"

"He's a Sith?" he asked. "That's flippin' awesome! They're known for their skills in magic."

"But Sith are evil," I insisted. "He wants to kill all the Jedi and take over the universe."

"Really? I drew a picture of him for art class," he answered. "It took me like three hours to finish the shading on his upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done."

I felt like there wasn't anything else I could say to him. Sometimes, I just don't get these kids.

Survivor and Monkeyboys and Post of the Week and the Windy City, oh my!

I wanted to let all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators know a few things.

First, I made a visit to Survivor: Tatooine this weekend. Qui-Gon Jinn won the competition and had a big party (or as I like to call it, a par-tay) for everyone. You can read about my visit right here.

Speaking of Qui-Gon Jinn (that's what we call a "segue" in this business), he had a visit from Jo Jo the Monkeyboy last week. You can read about that adventure here, here, and here.

Also, I won Jar Jar's Star Wars: Unplugged Post of the Week competition with this unnamed post. I actually did give it a name, but evidently brackets won't show up in HTML. Duh. Despite my inability to name my own posts, I am very proud to win this award.

Furthermore, I wanted to tell everyone that it was very windy in the Windy City yesterday (how windy was it?). It was so windy that I saw a witch flying past my house backwards on a bicycle. But seriously folks, it was so windy that when the Chicago Bears kicker tried to kick a field goal, the ball flew into the air, curved 90-degrees from it's original path and sailed away in that direction. It was so windy, that when I tried to take in the umbrella from our outdoor table, I almost sailed away, too.

Finally, yesterday my daughter wanted to paint some pictures. Below is one of her paintings.

No, no, that's not me. It's Cinderella. You can tell by the glass slippers. She has gotten really good with her artwork. I am very proud of her.

OK, tomorrow's post is going to be very exciting. I am going to tell about the time I went to Planet Home Depot and tried to return a hammer without a receipt. Oh yeah, it's going to be super exciting. Honest.

I am a Unicorn

I know you're thinking that I said Unicron, because being a world eating planet that transforms into a giant robot would be the coolest thing ever. Unfortunately, I said Unicorn. My wife laughted at me when I told her how I rated on this quiz but I think there are some cool aspects of being a unicorn, you can totally poke someone in the heiney with that horn, for one.





You are Form 3, Unicorn: The Innocent.

"And The Unicorn knew she wasn't meant to
go into the Dark Wood. Disregarding the advice
given to her by the spirits, Unicorn went
inside and bled silver blood.. For her
misdeed, the world knew evil."

Some examples of the Unicorn Form are Eve
(Christian) and Pandora (Greek).
The Unicorn is associated with the concept of
innocence, the number 3, and the element of
water.
Her sign is the twilight sun.

As a member of Form 3, you are a curious
individual. You are drawn to new things and
become fascinated with ideas you've never come
in contact with before. Some people may say
you are too nosey, but it's only because you
like getting to the bottom of things and
solving them. Unicorns are the best friends to
have because they are inquisitive.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Credit where credit is due, I got this from Mad Rambling Turbo Slut.

"There is a traitor among us."

The Queen's words echoed through my head. I had to think quickly. I was certain that I was not the traitor, the Queen wouldn't be the traitor, that leaves the two agents.

"Oh man," said Agent Hudson. What were the chances of Hudson being a traitor? He just got promoted and he has a Colonial Marine's mindset, which means rigid discipline and blinding loyalty. He would very likely march to his death should the Queen order it.

That leaves Plovo. I don't know him, but he is the most likely candidate. I aimed my sonic stunner at him; he aimed his blaster at me.

"Plovo," I said. "Please drop your weapon."

"Oh no," he said. "You drop yours. I have loyally served Her Majesty for over 8 hyperspans, roughly equivalent to 8 of your Earth years. I have no reason to turn on her. You, however, are some jerk from a backwater planet. You spurned the Queen's affections and then led her to the radioactive meteor. Clearly, you are the traitor!"

"I have no reason to turn on her," I answered. "You are the traitor among us."

"Am not!"

"Plovo, I order you to surrender your weapon," commanded the Queen.

Instead of complying, Plovo fired the weapon at me, I raised my armlink and the shot hit it, the sonic beam discharged and hit Hudson, he crumbled to the ground crying "Oh man, game ov-ov-ov, m-mm-mm-mn--"

I kicked the gun from his hand, he turned and ran. I picked up the gun and chased after him as the queen leaned down to look at Hudson.

My lungs began to burn as I ran after him. Trying to elude me, Plovo dumped over garbage cans, pushed past street musicians and innocent bystanders, then he upset a street vendor cart and even broke through a large plate glass being carried by two burly movers. Despite his frenetic getaway, I remained close behind him.

He turned down an alley, but it was a dead end. He looked left, he looked right, he looked up. There was no place to go. He desperately began hitting buttons on his Hyperlink Communicator.

"You fool," he hissed. "Galactor will bring order to the galaxy. The queen is weak! She cannot protect the universe from the evils that conspire against it!"

"So you propose to install a ruler as evil as Galactor to protect the galaxy from evil?" I questioned. "I may be just a 'simple Earthman,'" I made quote marks with my fingers for emphasis. "But that's the stupidest... that's completely nuts!"

"I am not 'nuts' as you call it," he snarled. "It is a great plan. My brain is evolved."

"Aw geez, think about it, Plovo," I tried to explain. "His full name and title is Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord. Evil Galactic Overlord! He wants to destroy this galaxy and everything it!"

Thinking I was distracted, Plovo lunged at the weapon in my hand. We struggled with it for a minute and with a zap, the weapon fired.

Silence. Plovo had a surprised look on his face. I had a surprised look on my face.

Another moment of silence.

I made a quick check, trying to feel any pain. None.

Plovo looked stunned. He then stood fully upright, "Are you hit?" he asked.

"No. You?"

"No," I replied. "I'm fine."

"Well, OK." With a war cry, Plovo charged me, I flipped him over my shoulder and aimed the weapon at him.

"Give it up, Plovo," I said.

Plovo sneered. "You're not going to shoot me," he said as he stood up.

I set the weapon to a higher level.

"I know you," he continued. "I've watched you fight in the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment arenas. You're not a killer."

A light filled the sky over us. "I'm not going to let you get away."

"Oh look, my ship is here. I am afraid that I'll be leaving you now."

I set the weapon to it's kill setting. "Don't make me fire."

"Heh heh heh, you're not going to shoot me."

I fired. "Wanna bet?"

****************************************

I returned to where the Queen and Hudson were and I found them in a deep liplock. A smile creeped over my face and I chuckled.

"Oh," the Queen looked up. "Where is Plovo?"

I tried to think of a very witty action hero line to say. "I shot him."

"Then the man who has conspired against Us has met his traitorous end," the Queen declared. "Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you have proven to me that you are an exceptional man. It is Our honor to Knight you."

I dropped to a knee, Hudson handed the Queen a long Vibroblade.

"It is official, you are now Sir Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator, Protector of the Queen and Her Galaxy. You may rise."

I stood. "I am honored, My Queen," I said.

"The honor is Ours," returned Queen Galacta.

"Now all we need is some clever line to end this story." I rubbed my chin and said "Hmmm."

"Game over?" asked Agent Hudson.

We started laughing.

The Queen of the Galaxy's lips drew nearer to mine.

Her warm onion breath danced across my cheek.

"Your Majesty," I held up my hand. "You cannot kiss me. I am a married man."

Agents Plovo and Hudson shifted in their stance and looked around uneasily.

"Oh," replied the queen cooly. "Too bad, you would be a handsome suitor indeed."

"Because of my personal morals, I could never cheat on my wife." It doesn't matter if it's the Queen of the Galaxy, I'm not stupid. Shame on anyone who thinks that I should have. No Lou Malnati's deep dish pizza, Billy Goat cheeseburgers or Old Style beer for you.

"Your courage is matched only by your intergrity," she replied regally. "I have very much enjoyed my visit to your planet. Be assured, brave Intergalactic Gladiator, that when the proper time comes, the peoples of this planet will join their brethren in space. Until that time, I will use my resources to keep this planet protected from this galaxy's enemies."

"And for that, I thank you," I said. I looked up into the sky. "That's unusual, you can't normally see shooting stars in the city, too many lights and too much pollution."

The agents looked up, a meteorite was chasing across the sky. "Oh man," said Agent Hudson.

The meteorite drew towards us and slammed into the Earth a mile away. "we need to check this out, there may be casualties!" I exclaimed.

As we got closer, I could see the night was bathed in an eerie green light. Moaning could be heard from the distance.

"Oh man, this is bad," said Agent Hudson. Special Agent Plovo remained stoic.

We got close and it looked like people were shuffling around near the glowing rock. There were no fires, though, and nobody looked hurt.

"Hey!" I called out. "Is everyone all right?"

The only reply was a muffled moaning from the mumbling masses.

"Oh man," reiterated Agent Hudson.

"Are those...." I strained to look. "Zombies?"

"Space Zombies," said Special Agent Plovo. "I've seen this before. Galactor, the Evil Galactic Overlord is behind this."

Galactor. His name sent a shiver down my spine. Galactor's malevolence is so evil that it must be contained within an armored shell, lest it seep out and curdle the very atmosphere with it's sour unpleasantness.

"Galactor wants to destroy the Queen, we must protect her." I activated the sonic stunner on my Wristlink. The Space Zombies started running towards us. "Those Space Zombies sure are fast!" I shouted.

"Oh man, game over!" cried Hudson.

Plovo pulled out is blaster pistol and was about to fire at the crowds when I pushed his arm down. "These are innocents!" I shouted. "You can't just kill them!"

"My duty is to protect the Queen!" he responded and took aim again.

"Oh man, game over, man!" whined Hudson.

"Do not kill the innocents," commanded the Queen. "Disable them only, I will destroy the meteor."

"If you get too close, you'll turn into a Space Zombie!" I yelled to her.

"The evil energies will not harm me," she replied. She floated towards the rock as I started firing sonic blasts at the zombies, they dropped to the ground, clutching their heads.

The Queen of the Galaxy walked past writhing zombies and up to the meteor. She picked it up and a bright light surrounded her and the evil weapon. The light crescendoed to a blinding flash and the meteor crumbled away.

The stunned Space Zombies began to revert to normal. The Queen, her two agents and I quickly left the scene.

"I am getting an incoming transmission on the Hyperlink," said Plovo. He activated it and the holographic image of Galactor appeared before us.

"You cannot hide from me, Galacta, I know where you are at all times," the image spat. "I will not rest until you are long gone and I rule the galaxy as it's rightful heir!"

"Heir?" I asked.

"Shh," Plovo responded. The holographic image of the Galactic Overlord crackled and hissed. The very ground beneath his image blackened from the evil.

"Galactor, your evil ways will never rule my galaxy!" Her Highness looked as regal and commanding as ever. "I will not rest until you are hunted down and brought to trial for your crimes!"

"Dear sister, I would love very much for you to find me. As exciting as hurling radioactive meteors at a disgusting backwards planet is, extinguishing your life would be that much more!"

"Sister?" I asked.

"Shh," Plovo repeated.

The image winked out. The Queen of the Galaxy looked at me and her two royal agents.

"There is a traitor among us," she said.

"Oh man, game over!"