“Of all the half-witted, ignorant, boorish, unevolved actions you could have possibly taken, you chose the worst!”
It was Liliandra yelling at me, and she had been laying into me for a good ten minutes now. This is the maddest that I have ever seen a queen since, I don’t know, since there was the fight outside that bar on Halsted Street.
“Here I am, visiting your solar system on a personal mission of my own, welcomed by none other than Galacta IX and you try to spoil it by creating this intergalactic incident. Do you know what kind of paperwork my captain now has to fill out declaring that it was not actually a citizen of my empire who fired on that ship? Did you think you’d get away with this?”
“Yes ma’am. No ma’am,” I replied. I stood straight at attention. I figure that I’ll just let her expend all her anger on me, then admit to everyone who needs to know that I was the one who fired the cannon. Of course there will be complications due to the fact that I’m on this ship, in a time of peace, discharging the weapon. I’m sure Queen Galacta will let it slide once she knows who I fired at and why.
“Are you even listening to me?” Wow, she’s angry.
“Yes ma’am.”
“Get this man out of my sight!” she ordered her guards. “I don’t even want him on my ship anymore!”
The two guards hoisted me between them and pulled me towards the door.
“You highness,” I called out. “I fully admit to my actions and am perfectly willing to sign any document stating that I fired the cannon.”
“Get! Out!” she screamed.
The two guards threw my out into the corridor. “You have 20 minutes to get off this ship,” one stated.
“Then it’s hunting season,” the other laughed.
“Ha ha funny,” I laughed back. “Thanks guys.”
With nothing better to do, I walked back to the landing bay and my ship, the Danger Sled. I saw Professor Xavier waiting for me in front of the Sled’s access hatch.
“Well, I just illegally blew up a ship containing a brain in an overgrown fish tank, essentially touched off an intergalactic incident, and I got yelled at by the queen of the Shi’Ar Empire for the last 15 minutes,” I said to him. “So how’s your day been?”
“It could have been worse, considering.” The Professor indicated to the fresh scars running across his head from his recent brain removal and un-removal. “I wouldn’t worry about Lilandra, of course she’s upset but she needs to look out for her people. I’m sure this will blow over quickly.”
“Yeah, blow over,” I repeated. “In the meantime, I need to head on out before some of her goons decide to shoot first and ask questions later. You looking for a ride?”
“I would say no thank you at this time,” he responded. “Lilandra and I have been separated for quite some time and after getting the chance to see her again, I have decided to stay onboard her ship to, er, get reacquainted. I’m not sure how long we have together.”
“Sure, I get it,” I grinned. “Don’t wait up, right?”
I popped into my ship and waved back to the Professor. “Well don’t be too long, huh? I still have to hold a press conference and explain that Kang the Conqueror was the whole instigator of Emmagate.”
“Kang the Conqueror! I should have known,” Xavier exclaimed. “Well, good luck with that press conference, then. I have the upmost confidence in your oratory skills.”
“Well don’t you want any details about my encounter with Kang?” I asked.
“No no, as I said, I am confident in your abilities and as such, I have no doubt you handled yourself accordingly.”
“Yeah, but Kang,” I said. “He’s a pretty bad dude, you know.”
“I know, I know,” the mutant replied. “But why don’t you tell me about it some other time?”
“Well OK, I guess,” I waved. “See you later, have fun storming the castle.”
“Is that what you kids call it these days?” Xavier shouted back to me above the whine of my engines warming up. I kicked in the repulsors and slid out into space. I then fired up my engines and swung the ship around the spot where Nemonok’s craft was. I wanted to run a scan to be sure there was nothing left. All I could detect was debris scattering across space.
“Can’t say that I’ll miss you,” I muttered as I aimed my ship towards Earth.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
In space, everybody can hear when you blow up a ship real good
Friday, May 30, 2008
This is Xavier's brain, this is Xavier's brain on the floor, any questions?
I saw Professor Xavier’s brain fly through the air as I crashed to the deck of Nemonok’s ship. I felt the agony of defeat as gooey brain matter splattered all over. The walls, the deck, on the furniture, on Wolverine. It was a mess and I felt defeated in a way that I had never felt before.
Nemonok, still affected by the neural attack laughed giddily.
“You have failed to rescue your precious Xavier, you sillies! Evil will always win because good is clumsy!”
Then a most unusual feeling came over me. Something like my underwear being turned inside out with me still wearing it, but not quite. Something kind of like being a 7-year-old child and having an ice cream cone taken away, but not quite. Something like trying to swim up a current with a cinderblock tied to my ankle, but again not quite. It felt kind of like going back in time between 10 and 15 seconds, but that didn’t seem right, either.
Captain Koma shouted “Stop!”
“What the hell is it?” I shouted while holding up the brain pan with Xavier’s brain in it. “Are you trying to make me drop the Professor?”
“Ha! Just the opposite, actually!” he called out triumphantly. “It’s a good thing Nemonok has an Omega 13 installed.”
“An Omega 13?”
“It’s a device that sends everything back 13 seconds,” Koma explained.
“Well of course, I know that,” I replied quickly. “Still, 13 seconds? That’s not much.”
“It’s enough to redeem a single mistake,” answered Koma with a smirk. “Such as splattering Xavier’s brains all over the deck. Now let's go.”
“Thirteen seconds back into the past?” Wolverine stepped towards us while scratching the top of his head. “Big deal.”
“Well, it’s a pretty good defensive measure,” I replied. “You wind up firing at someone who won’t be there for another 13 seconds. There’s a certain element of surprise to it.”
“Yeah, well 13 seconds still ain’t a whole flamin’ lot, I’m sayin,” Wolverine harrumphed.
“Yes, well it was just enough to save my life,” Xavier’s brain called out.
“Charles, is that you?” Emma Frost asked.
“Yes, I am of course communicating to everyone psionically as I now lack a mouth to speak,” he answered. “Thank you for this daring rescue and thank you Captain Koma for preventing this clumsy oaf from dropping me.”
“Hey!”
“Ha ha ha ha! You still haven’t won, fools!” Nemonok’s brain tank careened past us. “I’m going to get all my evil psychiatrist friends together and we’ll make a band and then we’ll show you what evil’s all about! I’ll play the bongos, Dr. Membranos will bring the nachos, it'll be a cool time.”
Nemonok’s brain tank continued to spin out of control until it slammed into a computer terminal. Sparks flew and gurgling noises erupted.
“Wow, man what a ride.”
“This still isn’t over!” Nemonok’s main squeeze Gun Nut popped out of the shadows with a heavy blaster in hand.
“For you it is!” Chroma replied and sent the mohawked assasin sprawling to the ground with a steel-handed punch.
“And on that note, let’s go,” Koma smirked. He thumbed the controls of his teleporter and we instantly found ourselves back on board the Shi’Ar ship. Medical technicians rushed up and grabbed the Professor’s brain and body and hurried off with Koma rushing after them followed by Chroma and Emma Frost.
That left the rest of us with nothing really to do, Iceman and I looked at each other and shrugged.
“Now what?” Wolverine grunted impatiently.
I casually wandered off towards a gunner’s station and listened in on the operator’s conversation.
“Station Four reporting. I still have a weapon’s lock on the enemy vessel. The vessel is not moving.”
“Do not fire,” a voice crackled over the comm back to him. “That ship is still disabled and the Queen will not allow an intergalactic incident.”
“All loaded up and no place to go, huh?” I asked offhandedly.
“Pfft, yeah,” the gunner grumbled. “I got the thing dead to rights. And you just know that if they get an ounceling of power back, they’ll just go straight back to stealth mode and disappear.”
“Yeah, that’s what they always do, all right,” I chuckled. “This looks a lot like the M5 Powertron Pulse Cannon I used to shoot back in the ol’ space navy days. Pretty sweet.”
“Yeah, well it’s been quite a few years since we’ve had the M5’s,” he answered. “This thing’s got a heavier wattage + damage ratio, low dispersal rate, and a better cycling and cooling system.”
“Cool,” I replied with just a little awe. “And this readout shows your target lock?”
“Uh huh,” He nodded.
“And this is the fire button, right?”
“Yeah, but you don’t want to press that,” he replied quickly. “You know, Commander’s orders and all.”
“Oh yeah, you wouldn’t want to fire…” I said.
Quickly before he could stop me, I slammed my hand on the firing button. A blast of powerful energy lanced across space and slammed full into Nemonok’s ship. It instantly erupted into a ball of flame.
“…But I would,” I grinned.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Professor Xavier's Brain is Still Missing!
The brain.
Professor Xavier’s brain.
As I watched it sail through the air, I thought of the –what, last 30 or so minutes that just occurred right in front of me.
I thought back to landing on the deck of that Shi’ar craft and seeing Captain Koma’s partner Chroma just about take the head off the Scarlet Witch. They were quickly separated by a lightning bolt and a warning from Storm.
“See, this is why I like to work alone,” I whispered to Cyclops who was standing next to me.
“Why, because you can’t shoot lightning bolts out of your hands?” he asked.
I clasped my hand to my forehead.
Xavier’s brain was still in the air, it seemed like it was just floating there, my own brain was racing back to mere moments after that altercation.
Queen Lilandra of the Shi’ar Empire had appeared practically at Earth’s doorstep. I knew Xavier’s brain and Dr. Nemonok were just a few hundred feet away in Nemonok’s own craft. I also knew that it wouldn’t last a moment against this battle cruiser. I had to get her to stand down.
“My Queen,” I bowed slightly as to acknowledge her place. “As an authorized deputy of the throne of Queen Galacta IX and Her galaxy, it is my duty to… request that you stand down your battleship and return to your own galaxy, stellar quadrant, or nearest side dimension of convenience.”
“Galacta knows full well why I am here.” Lilandra held aloft an official document. “As Charles Xavier is my consort, I am well within my rights established by the Pan Galactic Treaty of New Betel. I hereby claim dominion over Charles Xavier and all that is his, namely his brain.”
“Er, OK,” I answered. Nuts, I’m outgunned.
“Your majesty if we may,” spoke up Emma Frost. “Allow us to recapture Xavier’s brain for you. You could demand its return to engage their attention as we sneak aboard that ship.”
“Very well,” she agreed after the briefest deliberation. “You have but this one opportunity. Do not fail, or I shall have to send in my own troops and I assure you, they will not.”
“Sweet, I’m gonna make a brain-ke-bob outta that Nemonok,” Wolverine growled as he popped his trademark claws.
“Yeah, but how are we getting over there?” asked Iceman.
“Please allow me,” Captain Koma answered with a flourish of his hand.
The brain. All this over one brain. One remarkable brain, capable of so much more than any ordinary person’s. And it hung there in the air. The Professor’s life, as all of our own hung in the balance along with it.
Instant henchmen instantly sprung up around us when we teleported into the craft and the X-Men and Chroma instantly engaged them. I took out one with a headshot from trusty Betsy, my blaster pistol. I looked around the melee and saw Captain Koma slip towards Dr. Nemonok.
“Eat this,” the Australian spat as he fired his weapon at the evil psychiatrist.
“Ha ha,” the brain floating in the jar laughed back. “Your neural weapon cannon harm me, my containment jar is resistant to such paltry attacks.”
Koma shrugged slightly and fired once, twice, three times more at the floating brain.
“Foolish human, I told you that your weapon cannot—whoa…” his voice got deeper and slower. “Hey, I can see my voice. My voice. My… voice... Hey can you see that, man? That’s real cool. Look at the colors.”
As everyone’s attention turned towards Nemonok, I found Xavier’s brain sitting in a shallow dish and plugged into the ship’s computer system.
“Hold on,” I said. “I’ll get you out.”
I’ve never seen a brain smile before but I could almost swear that this one did right then and there. I’d prefer to think that it didn’t though, a smiling brain just sounds too creepy.
I quickly unhooked the cabling connecting his brain to the ship and lifted it. I hoisted the pan and its contents away from the console, suspension fluid sloshed from side to side along the way.
His brain, in my hands.
I quickly turned to make my way clear of the fighting. Maybe I could beam back to the Shi’Ar ship or maybe Koma could teleport me away, but I had the brain and it would soon be safe.
But then I tripped.
And the brain sailed high into the air, away from the pan, away from my reach. I saw it arc gently as I felt the ship’s gravity claim my own body and pull it to the deck.
“Oh shi-----!”
Friday, May 23, 2008
Xavier's brain is Missing!
After my little aerial engagement with Nemonok, I decided to fly to the Xavier’s Mansion to hook up with the X-Men. Along the way, I saw the charred fuselage of their Blackbird jet smoldering on the ground. I quickly landed and ran up to the site of the wreckage. Looks like their plane got shot down again but I didn’t see any X-Men here though.
“That damned bitch, where did she go?” I heard a shout. I turned and saw Captain Koma standing there with his fists balled up in impotent rage. Some woman was standing next to him with her arms crossed and a perturbed look on her face.
“Koma!” I ran up to him. Yeah, I know Koma’s a villain but I honestly haven’t heard anything about him in like two years. Plus he’s Australian; the Land Down Under isn’t my usual stomping grounds. “Hey what’s going on?”
Koma begrudgingly explained that he was in the X-Jet with the X-Men when it was shot down. He then went on to explain that the Scarlet Witch met up with the group and She elected to take them to Xavier’s brain. Instead, it seems, she teleported them all over the world, then dumped off Koma and his companion here and disappeared completely. He ended his tirade with one more curse aimed at the magical mutant.
“I was just fighting Nemonok a short while ago,” I explained. “I damaged his ship but he warped away. Fortunately, it was a space fold and my ship’s sensors were able to track where he warped to. His ship’s on the outer reaches of this solar system.”
“Well let’s go get him,” Koma growled.
“There’s room for two more on the Danger Sled.” I threw a thumb back towards my ship.
“Then let’s go,” the woman said.
We quickly roared into the upper reaches of the atmosphere and headed on an intercept course with Nemonok’s ship. Once in flight, Koma introduced me to his companion Chroma and explained her ability to turn into living metal.
“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” I said. “I bet when you’re metal, you don’t have to worry about needing a sports bra or anything, huh?”
Behind my back, Chroma made some sort of gesture at me though I couldn’t see it as I looked at my scopes. From the copilot’s seat, Koma calmed her down with a placating gesture.
“When you’re done insulting her,” he said icily, perhaps you could tell us how long it’ll take us to get there.”
“Oh we’ll be there real fast,” I answered. “The only problem is, we won’t be alone. Sensors have picked up a battle cruiser in the area. If Nemonok’s calling in reinforcements, Earth may be in a lot of trouble.”
“Your sensors indicate that it’s a Shi’Ar craft,” Koma said while looking at the scopes from his position.
“Well that certainly makes things interesting,” I muttered.
“The Shi’Ar?” Chroma asked.
“Yeah, a race of bird people,” Koma explained. “They’ve got a pretty big galactic empire and oh yeah, Xavier and their queen have the hots for each other.”
“I can imagine why they’re here, then,” she replied with a guffaw.
“Yeah well, we’ll be face to face with them soon enough,” I muttered. “They’ve got us in a tractor beam.”
The Danger Sled shuddered as the warship’s beams pulled and guided us to its docking bay.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Happy Blogoversary
Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more.
More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait.
Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we?
On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course. I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat. I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.” “Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?” “Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.” “What is it?” asked Jan. “What could it be?” asked Rocksun. “Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?” “VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.” “Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!” “Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.” “Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?” “Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer.
“That was splendid” said the Queen. “Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!” |
Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand.
Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…
Monday, May 19, 2008
Dogfight!
“Dr. Nemonok, this is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” I called out over the radio. “Surrender your ship and you will not be destroyed.”
“Very well, Gladiator. There’s just one thing… this!”
“Nice try, but I marked you with those last shots,” I replied. “Going stealth won’t hide you from my sensors.”
“That is quite the sneaky trick, old friend. I suppose that I will have to dispose of you the old fashioned way.”
Nemonok’s ship turned over in the air and he fired his own energy weapons at me. I dodged and weaved and avoided the retaliation, then let him have a few more shots to let him know I mean business.
“I’m serious, Nemonok,” I announced. “Land your craft or I’ll force you down.”
“You won’t knock me out of the skies so easily, fool. You do realize the precious cargo that I am carrying, don’t you?”
“I imagine that it’s a couple cans of dome wax for that big jar of yours.” My comm system pinged my with another message. “Hold on.”
“What? You’re in the middle of aerial combat with me and you just decide to take another call?”
“I said hold please.” I clicked him off and brought up the message. Why it’s a meme from that fowl dog of an ape, Dr. Zaius. I suppose that I have no choice but to answer it.
* The rules of the game get posted at the beginning.
* Each player answers the questions about himself or herself.
* At the end of the post, the player then tags five people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know they’ve been tagged and asking them to read your blog.
1. Ten years ago I was:
Well, I wasn’t an Intergalactic Gladiator, that’s for sure. I was merely gladiating for state and local municipalities.
2. Five Things on Today's To Do List:
Hmm, get Paxton to daycare.
Get Kiera to school.
Get to work
Do work
Get home
3. Things I'd do if I were a billionaire:
I would produce Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: The Movie. Come on, you know you’d want to see that.
4. Three Bad Habits:
I am awfully cluttered. I’m not a slob per se, but there’s just a lot of stuff that needs to be cleaned up.
I sometimes get annoyed with some of the characteristics that my daughter Kiera displays despite the fact that they’re very much like my own.
BrickBreaker on my Wirstcomm.
5. Five Places I've lived:
Chicago, IL; Charleston, IL; Istanbul, Ft Bragg, NC, Ft. Gordon GA
6. Five Jobs I've had in life:
• Intergalactic Gladiator
• Single Channel Radio Operator/ Satellite Radio Operator/maintainer
• PR Intern
• Inspector of Weights and Measures for the State of Illinois
• Pizza delivery
Let’s see, who shall I tag? Novi, Professor X (I know you’re just a brain in a jar right now, just do your best), Vegeta, Captain Koma, and Ciera.
With that little bit of business out of the way, I turned my full attention to my dogfight with Nemonok, only to discover that there was some sort of energy bubble envelop my nemesis. Before I could do anything else, the craft completely disappeared off my scopes.Blast, he warped away.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Out of the Great Melting Pot and into the fire!
I reached the top floor of the Statue of Liberty and stopped in awe at the sight in front of me.
“You’re me!” I blurted.
“A simple illusion with the technology at my disposal,” Kang sneered. He clicked a hidden switch on his belt buckle and his face reverted back to his purple helmed whatever that is that he wears. “After I kill you, I’ll easily take your place.”
I dove out of the way of his energy blasts and scampered up the arm of the statue towards the torch. I was near the top when I looked up and saw that Kang was already there.
“What? Aw nuts.”
“Yes, aw nuts to you,” he replied, his voice overflowing with contempt. “You cannot escape me. This will soon be over.”
I scampered up to the observation deck and pulled out my pistol on him.
“Yeah, all over for you,” I replied as I aimed it square at him.
“Didn’t we already determine that your weapon cannot harm me?” He sighed. “You are but like a fly, buzzing around the giant to me.”
“Yeah well this fly’s got a sting.” Before he had a chance to react, I feigned with the pistol then punched him in the gut with my free hand. I then wrenched his belt buckle off. With a pop and a crackle of energy, his futuristic armor powered down.
“What? Noooo!” Kang howled. His howling stopped when I punched him in the face.
“You’re just like all the other two-bit wanna be dictators from the future,” I said as I added another couple punches. “You’re all talk and without your fancy gear, you can’t back it up.”
“My armor! You’ll pay for your insolence!” The would-be conqueror dove at me with his arms outstretched.
“Seriously, you guys always put the controls in the belt buckle. You’re just asking for trouble.” I countered his clumsy attack and flipped him over me. He tumbled over the guardrail, just barely grabbing hold of it.
“Ah! Save me!”
“Oh sure.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest. “You were all bluster before, but now that you’re about to fall to your doom, it’s all ‘please Jon save me! I don’t wanna die!’ It’s sad really.”
“Please!”
“OK.” I reached for him, then pulled back. “Wait, who’s to say that you’re not going to turn around and sabotage my campaign again once I save you?”
“I won’t! I promise!” he pleaded.
“Cross your heart? Oh, I guess you can’t do that right now, huh?” I replied. “How do I know I can trust you?”
“I give you my word!”
“Yeah, but you’re villain, how do I know you’ll honor your word?”
“Honest,” he gulped. “I promise to leave you alone and never ever interfere with you again. I promise!”
“Really?”
“Yes,” He nodded desperately. “I swear, you and I shall never cross paths again, unless you do something like join the Avengers, I can’t stand those pompous jerks.”
“Oh, all right,” I reached out and grabbed his arm. “Dude, you weigh a ton. What do you eat in the future, Sarah Lee brand bowling balls?”
“Shut up and pull me up,” Kang gritted his teeth. The material in his jacket began to rip.
“Stop squirming,” I winced with the effort. “Just hold on.”
Suddenly, the sleeve of Kang the Conqueror’s jacket ripped away in my hand. Kang plummeted screaming.
“Nooooooo! Not again! Agggghhhhhh!!!!”
My ship the Danger Sled floated up next to me as I watched Kang fall to the earth below. Without anything else to do, I hopped into it and took a look at the readings from the sensors. As I had hoped, the ship’s sensors were able to track Dr. Nemonok’s stealthship as it crisscrossed the planet. It was now airborne and nearby in upstate New York.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
The thick plot thickens even more!
Professor Xavier’s brain has been kidnapped and I knew that I had to spring into action. I quickly dialed up my trusty Danger Sled from my Wristcomm and I would soon be rocketing into the sky.
My spaceplane responded to my signal and would soon land at Ellis Island. But before it could get here, someone stepped in front of me.
“Hey, nice purple helmet there, Billy,” I said. “Does it come with a Wiffleball and bat?”
“You will not call me Billy,” he stated. “You will call me your master, Kang the Conqueror!”
“Kang? What are you doing here?” I asked. “In fact, who are you?”
“Uh hello, evil conquering warlord from the future here,” he replied with a snappy edge to his voice. “I’m here to stop your campaign once and for all!”
“Wait a minute,” I replied as things started to fall into place. “You’re the one who hired Zartan and Mystique, aren’t you?”
“Of course,” he replied. “Though I did not tell one that I hired the other, I thought the photos would look more authentic that way.”
“Aha!” I pointed my finger up. “So you hired them to discredit me so you could take over the United States yourself. Oh that’s an evil plan. Bad time traveling conqueror, shame on you!”
“Yes well, it was a nice plan while it lasted,” he admitted. “Too bad things turned out the way they did. I guess that I’ll just have to take your place myself and win the election, also myself.”
“Wait, so I do win the election?” I said. “That is tres cool, which mean three cool.”
“Yeah, well that’s kind of a complex answer,” he replied as he rubbed the back of his head. “It’s a possible future, but there are many divergent paths. Time travel is very complicated, more complicated than I could ever explain to the likes of you.”
“Hey I get it, man,” I said as I jammed my thumb into my chest. “I’m a Multiversal Lynchpin.”
“And you’ll soon be a dead Multiversal Lynchpin.” With a flourish of his arm, Kang fired a beam of energy at me. The impact of the blast sent me flying, crashing through the glass window to the gift shop.
“Not cool, way not cool!” I retaliated by throwing armloads of souvenir Statue of Liberty paper weights at him. He deflected them with a brush of his arm.
“My shields can withstand anything that you can throw at me,” he sneered. “Can you withstand this?”
He hoisted me up and threw me again, deeper into the closed Statue of Liberty. I skidded across the marble floor, the wind rushing out of my lungs from the impact.
“You’re such a charmer,” I gasped. “I bet you say that to all the ladies.”
“Funny.” Kang aimed his finger at me to fire another blast, but was forced to erect his force field again as I fired at him with my blaster pistols.
“So tell me,” I shouted as I fired again and again while on my back. “You teaming up with Nemonok to take Xavier’s brain, too?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he replied as he deflected my shots.
“I hate it when master plans overlap,” I muttered. “Why can’t you guys just come up with a plan, let me defeat you , and then give me a little time to take a break, you know like a week maybe, then let someone else try?”
“Stop your foolish babbling and die!” he howled as he shot at me again.
I rolled out of the way of the blast, jumped up to my feet and ran into a waiting elevator. I grinned and crossed my arms in triumph.
“You won’t get away from me that easily!”
“Screw you,” I replied. I then saw that I hadn’t hit a button yet and quickly pressed the top one. The doors slid shut as Kang stalked towards me.
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Frack
I was still on Ellis Island trying to figure out my next move. From Cyclops, I go the lowdown of what was happening at Xavier’s Institute. Apparently my old friend Dr. Nemonok (and by old friend, I am being sarcastic, of course, I can’t stand that bodiless bastard) had absconded with Professor Xavier’s brain, Captain Koma had teleported there and was now fixing some sort of contraption to Xavier’s brainless body to control it until… Until when, I don’t know. I assume we’ll just have to get that brain back and get it into his body. I can help out with the first part of that, of course, but the second isn’t exactly my forte. I’m not what you’d call a brain scientist.
Somehow, this seems like some sort of lame episode of some bad Sci Fi show.
My thoughts were interrupted by the pinging on my Wristcomm. I looked at the message and saw that it came from TX. Dammit, she’s that fracking cyborg Terminator from the future. She tagged me with a meme?
Frack. I quickly wiped my Wristcomm and zugged it out completely. If she gets into this thing, who knows what kind of a nuisance she’d be. Fortunately, my Wirstcomm syncs with Outlook on my ship’s maincomputer. I’ll lose all my messages and contacts on the device but at least I’ll be able to reload them.
Here we go.
The rules:
Must post the rule.
Must link back to the person whose blog-birthday it is...
Must post comment when you are done
What to do:
Fill out the following:
01] I loathe Sky.
02]Sky is a cybernetic pestilence.
03] If I were in a room with Sky, I would ask her if she wants a glass of juice.
04] I think Sky should log off.
05] Sky needs nothing really, I think.
06] I want to do the Charleston with Sky.
07] Someday Sky will forget to recharge her batteries.
08] Sky reminds me of a Terminiatrix and Species smooshed into one.
09] Without Sky teh intenets would be safe.
10] My memories of Sky are filled with dirty, dirty thoughts.
11] Sky can be a real lasertronic technothelonic abdoirnoix.
12] The worst thing about Sky is that whole evil Terminator thing.
13] The best thing about Sky is that good side she sometimes shows.
14] I am sometimes partying with Sky.
15] One thing I would like to know about Sky is who does her hair?
16] Sky should go and return to the future.
17] Sky lusts after me
18) What I like best about Sky's blog is that scrolly thing at the top.
19) What I dislike about Sky's blog is it wants to sing to me, what is this mySpace?
20) My favorite post from Sky is her blogversary.
Friday, May 09, 2008
iDoodle again!
Darth Nepharia wanted to see a doodle of her beating the pants off of Darth Vader.
Well there you go.
Don't forget to look at my post over at Sci Fi Fantasy Loving Blog.
And don't forget to check out Last Gladiator Standing III.
Wednesday, May 07, 2008
iDoodle doodle, the cat and the poodle
I haven't iDoodled in a while. I'm totally up for one today, how about you?
First person to comment with an iDoodle idea gets an iDoodle doodled.
But before that, there's a new reality show in town, Last Gladiator Standing III. Go check it out now, there are still a few slots left for participants, so if you want in send me an email.
Update! Hot Stuff wants a picture of himself as a gladiator. Aw, isn't that cute, he's got one of those helmets on!
Nepharia, I'll hook you up too. Leave me a suggestion.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
Where in the World is Professor Xavier?
I stepped away from the podium and looked around. It seemed like everywhere I turned, there was a microphone pointed at me or someone in a fedora barking a question. I couldn’t answer them now. Something’s not right here, I can feel it.
Professor Xavier didn’t even show up to the press conference that he set up. It’s possible that he’s busy with my campaign or attending to business at his school, but it didn’t seem likely to me. On top of that, if he was too busy to be here, I’m sure I would still feel his mental presence, something that I can’t detect right now. Without anything else to do, I dialed up his school to see if he was actually there or if they knew where he was.
“Xavier’s School for Higher Learning, Cyclops, er Professor Summers speaking,” came the answer.
“Cyclops, good to hear from you,” I said. “It’s Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. I’m here at Liberty Island and Professor Xavier doesn’t seem to be around. Is he there?”
“Oh my gosh, he is,” he replied. “But you’re not going to believe this.”
“What is it?” I asked.
“Professor Xavier’s brain is missing!” Cyclops replied dramatically.
“Missing? You mean like he’s gone or something?”
Cyclops explained “No, the Professor is here, right in his study, but his brain is gone. It’s been, like, cut out of his head.”
“Holy cow!” I exclaimed. “Are you serious?”
“I am,” he asserted. “I was there with him and I was talking to him about my issues with Jean Grey and Emma Frost and Madeline Pryor and he was just sitting there saying nothing, so I started talking about how I loved Jean so much but then how I kissed Audrey Hanson and—”
“Wait, do you mean Agent Audrey Hanson?” I interrupted.
“Yeah, her,” Cyclops answered.
“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI?”
“Yeah her,” he said. “We were on that game show Sylar’s Bachelor together and then we kissed.”
“OK, I don’t think I needed to hear that,” I said.
“With tongue,” the mutant clarified.
“I’m sure I didn’t need to hear that,” I added.
“But then I heard that she slipped me a Mikey.”
“You mean a Mickey,” I corrected.
“Who’s Mickey?” he asked.
“Never mind that, what about the Professor?”
“No wait, how do you know Agent Hanson?” he asked.
“Yeah her,” I said. “Small world, huh? She was assigned to protect me just a little while ago, but then she got called away to help out on a Die Hard Scenario.”
“Oh yeah, Die Hard, I love that movie,” said the man who must always wear ruby quartz eyewear to stop his uncontrollable optic blasts. “Yippee ki yay, mother, uh…”
“Right, well thank you for helping me out with that dangling plot thread there,” I said. “But what about the Professor?”
“Oh yeah, I can’t stand dangling threads,” he replied. “If I have one on my uniform, sometimes I burn it off with a lighter. But don’t tell Jean that I have a lighter, OK?”
“OK, OK,” I sighed. “The Professor. What happened to Professor Xavier’s brain? You said it’s gone.”
“Oh yeah right, so I was talking to the Professor you know, relationship stuff,” he explained. “And then I notice that there’s a little dab of drool coming out of the corner of his mouth and then that’s when I looked closer and saw that his head was cut open. His body’s here, but his brain’s gone, Jon.”
“How long did it take you to figure this out about his brain?”
“I don’t know, ten or fifteen minutes, I guess.” I could almost see him shrugging with the reply.
“Well, does he usually just sit there quietly for fifteen minutes while you talk about your relationship problems?” I asked.
“Well sure,” he replied. “Sometimes longer I think.”
“And he doesn’t yell at you to shut up or anything?” I also asked.
“Well no, but I think sometimes he mentally sends me away,” he said. “Like sometimes I just wake up back in my room or something and I wonder how I got there. Wait a minute, Jean Grey, Emma Frost, Madeline Pryor, and Psycloche all have mental powers. I dated all of them. Are they a surrogate for my relationship with the Professor?”
“I wouldn’t know,” I answered. “I only took like three credits worth of psychology in college.”
I heard a heavy exhale over the phone. “Does that mean that I actually want to date Professor Xavier?”
“Honestly Cyclops? I don’t know,” I replied. “I have to tell you, the more you’re talking about it, the more it’s turning my stomach right now.”
“I love Professor Xavier,” Cyclops announced. “There I said it. Wow, I feel so much better now.”
I screamed in my head mentally. I almost pounded my head against the wall, but I didn’t think the wonderful caretakers of this area want to clean up bloodstains off their nice building.
“I don’t want to hear this,” I said slowly and carefully to him.
“Well, I don’t mean love as in the way a man loves a woman,” Cyclops said. “It’s like a platonic love. Wait a minute, if all the women that I’ve dated are surrogates of the Professor, maybe the Professor’s a surrogate of the father I never had because my dad flew off into outer space to become a space pirate. Wow, it’s mind boggling.”
“You aren’t kidding,” I exhaled. “OK, I’ve gotta go. I mean I’ve really gotta go, if I listen to any more of this I might just, I don’t know what I’d do. I just gotta go. I’ll start looking for clues, keep me updated if you hear anything.”
“OK, I will Jon,” Cyclops agreed. “This is Cyclops over and out.”
The line went silent as he hung up the phone on his end.
Great, on top of everything else going on around here, I’m probably going to have to find Professor Xavier’s brain now, too.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Announcement
 “Welcome viewers to a very special edition of 20 Questions, I am your host Hector Ramirez. We will take a break tonight from catching online furry predators who are propositioning Anime cosplayers to bring you something a little less sensational yet still probably just as current.Presidential hopeful Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator’s campaign has been a rocky one to say the least. Though his popularity in the polls is without question, when the Emmagate scandal hit, many did question his morality and personal ethics. Two of the anchoring factors in Jon’s campaign has been his campaign manager Professor Charles Xavier and his running mate Fluke Starbucker. But one of those anchors has been missing for quite some time and Jon’s campaign now seems off the track as he races across the country on some wild goose chase that he’s claimed will clear his good name. Tonight, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has called a press conference under the watchful eye and giant feet of Lady Liberty herself. Will he address his scandal with Emma Frost? Will he explain his mission or his partner’s disappearance? Let’s go live to Ellis Island to find out as Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator steps up to the podium.” |
“Ladies and gentlemen, members of the press, citizens of the free world, I come before you today to make a statement that I did not want to make; one that I hoped that I would not have to make; one that I prayed that I would not make. But it is now time that I make this unfortunate statement.(Heavy breath)
My vice presidential running mate and one of my best buds, Fluke Starbucker has been a great asset to this campaign and to me for these many months. He is a strong and hardworking man who isn’t afraid to roll up his sleeves and tighten the bolts or loosen the nuts of a moisture vaporator. He’s also not afraid to roll up the same sleeves and tighten the bolts of America’s moisture vaportor. I’m speaking metaphorically here, of course.
Fluke Starbucker is a man who said that he’d stand up for America. The he said that he was ready to sit down and work hard as vice president. He then said that he was ready to stand up and help his fellow man. And then he said that he’s ready to sit down at the table of liberty to drink from a wine glass of justice. Fluke Starbucker was willing to do a lot of sitting and standing for this country, more sitting and standing then an hour long sing-along session of My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean.
Well unfortunately, Fluke Starbucker has been lost at sea and is now presumed dead.
Somewhere between flying from the sub-swing states of Alaska and California, Fluke Starbucker’s plane was lost at sea over the Bermuda Triangle. Efforts to find him were made by many global organizations who consider themselves friends of Fluke. Members of International Rescue, Max Ray of the Centurions, Torpedo, Wet Suit, and Shipwreck from G.I.Joe, the crew of the SeaQuest, and even the Submariner and Aquaman all pitched in to help in the search, even though it got rather ugly between the two and wound up degenerating into quite an altercation. I tell you, there were tridents and narwhals flying back and forth with incredible fury.This search, however, has proven to be fruitless. Fluke Starbucker is now gone and presumed eaten by a shark or perhaps an octopus, maybe even one of the sectopuses that I saw on CNN a couple weeks ago. Was that thing something or what? Wherever Fluke is now, I hope that it is a happier place; full of joy and somewhere where he feels no pain.
Fluke’s parents, Herb and Judy Starbucker of Sheboygan Wisconsin, yes Herb Starbucker the Corn Muffin King of Sheboygan County, have been really strong troughout this ordeal and even now, thousands of Friends of Fluke gather outside their small town home in a candlelight vigil. God bless you Herb and Judy and may the Spores fuse with you always.
Because of these developments and because of the wishes of Fluke himself, I find it my melancholy duty to name his successor as vice president in my campaign for president of these United States. Because we must always look forward and not backwards; upwards not downwards; and inwards before we can see outward, I now select Optimus Prime as my vice presidential running mate. I believe Mr. Prime is standing by at Autobot Headquarters right now at Mount St. Hilary and is ready to make his own statement.Thank you and good night.”
I stepped off the podium, unable to answer the questions of the reporters shouting. I felt, for the first time, that Fluke Starbucker was really gone. We had been through so much together, Big Brother Naboo, that wild party in Sky City, that other wild party at Sky City. But now he was no longer among us and my thoughts of him seemed to fade fast like one of those pretty girls in a hazy alcohol-induced dream who you’re trying to run towards but it feels like you’re on sand and then she’s gone.
Even more unusual in all this was the absence of Professor Xavier. He’s the one who got this press conference together and yet he too is gone as if it’s slipped his mind or something. That in itself is unusual as you wouldn’t expect the Professor to be the type to let his mind wander.
Monday, April 28, 2008
The Cobra Airship Blewed Up!
“Wow, that was a close one,” Agent Hanson sighed as we moved away from the exploding remains of the Cobra Airship.
“Yeah, too close,” I agreed. “I don’t ever want to be on some giant terrorist airship when it’s blowing up and crashing into the desert ever again. Gotta admit, it was pretty exciting while it lasted, though.”
“You know Jon, I said a few things back there that maybe I shouldn’t have,” the FBI agent admitted.
“Aw don’t worry about it,” I dismissed it with a wave. “It was pretty intense up there. I didn’t think we were going to make it myself.”
“I’m serious. It’s hard to find someone who doesn’t crack under pressure like that,” she jammed her thumb back towards the giant fireball. “It’s especially hard to find someone who seems dedicated to doing the right thing like you are.”
“Aw go on,” I answered sheepishly.
“No really,” she insisted. “You’re not an incompetent idiot who’s going to get us killed. That stunt you pulled off up there was… I don’t know, I’ve never seen anything like it before.”
“Don’t worry about it,” I said. “I’m glad we’re OK. Hey look who’s decided to join the party.”
Fighter planes raced past overhead as a helicopter with twin rotors came in for a landing near us. After it hit the dirt, half a dozen soldiers hopped out, one of whom strode right over towards us.
“I’m General Hawk, leader of the G.I.Joe team,” he said. “You want to tell me who’s responsible for this mess?”
“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI, Sir!” Hanson stood at attention in front of the officer. “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I are responsible for bringing down the Cobra Airship, sir.”
“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator?” Hawk reached his hand towards mine. “I thought I recognized you. Good job you two, by taking down that thing; you stopped Cobra Commander’s plans and crippled a major portion of his forces.”
“Yeah about that,” I said. “I’m glad to help and all, but Cobra Commander did say that he was going to hunt me down for it.”
“I wouldn’t worry about Cobra Commander,” Hawk replied. “Joe satellites have tracked him down. He’s in a giant castle with snakes all over it in the Andes Mountains. We’ll catch that snake this time.”
“Good luck with that,” I replied just as my Wristcomm started pinging. “Excuse me. This is Jon.”
“Jon this is Professor Xavier,” the voice on the other end said. “I’ve captured Mystique and uncovered who hired her to impersonate Emma Frost. It was the Henchman.”
“Henchman of Local 432? You’ve got to be kidding,” I replied. “How’s he mixed up in this?”
“Well when evil’s afoot, the Henchman is usually underfoot,” the Professor replied.
“Hah, I know what you’re saying,” I replied.
“On another note, and this pains me to say this,” he paused for a moment. “It appears that you are going to have to make that announcement after all.”
“I was afraid that was going to happen,” I answered.
“Will you be able to make it if I call a press conference tomorrow?” he asked.
“Yeah, I guess I don’t have a choice.”
“Very well, the conference will be in New York on Liberty Island,” the Professor replied. “I find that will be a good, patriotic place for it.”
“Alright,” I replied unenthusiastically. “I’ll be there.”
Friday, April 25, 2008
“Ssstop shooting the consolesss you fool!” Cobra Commander yelled over the comm screen. “Sstop him, Cobraaaa!”
One of the Cobras at his post begrudgingly stepped up to stop me and got shot in the knee courtesy of Agent Hanson. He fell to the ground next to Colonel Scar.
“Don’t anybody else try it,” she warned.
“You’ll pay for this!” the Commander threatened. “I’ve got lawyers – the best that money can buy.”
“Lawyers don’t scare me,” I shrugged and then shot another console. “I don’t have any money.”
“Oh oh, Jon,” Hanson called to me. “What do we have here?”
“What is it?” I ran over to where she was beckoning. “It’s a self destruct button! Oh Joy!”
“Sssstay away from that thing!” the terrorist leader hissed.
“Don’t you touch that!” Colonel Scar added.
“But listen. Can you hear it call to me?” I wrapped my arms around the console the button was attached to. “I cannot resist its siren spell.”
“No Jon, don’t do it!” Hanson egged me on in a mock horrified tone.
“How long can Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator resist pushing the self destruct button?” I called out in an announcer’s voice. “The beautiful, shiny button? The jolly, candy-like button? We he hold out folks? Can he hold out?”
“If you touch that button, I will bring an entire global terrorist organization down on top of you!” Cobra Commander threatened. “You will not be able to move a muscle without my minions there to kill you. Stop one of them and three will take his place!”
I pushed the red button. “Oops, I dood it.”
“Oh now you did it,” Hanson added.
The PA system called out a self destruct warning in a calm woman’s voice. In a panic, Cobra troopers shot out of their seats and out the door.
“I love these self destruct warning voices,” I sighed. “They always have these sexy voices. I wanna know who has the job of recording these.”
“Oh I’ve met her,” Hanson replied. “She’s got a nice gig.”
“Ahhhhhhh!” the Commander screamed. “I can’t believe you--!”
His image exploded as a blaster bolt from Betsy blew up the screen.
“I don’t see why you didn’t do that a half hour ago,” Hanson noted.
“I dunno,” I shrugged. “Maybe I’m gluten for punishment.”
“So how are you going to get us out of here?” she asked.
“Well, I’ve been working on that,” I held up my finger in reply.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Trapped on the Cobra Airship -- like a fox!
“Well if you were looking to get the attention of Cobra’s leader, I think you’ve met your goal,” Agent Hanson said. “What are you going to do now?”
“Don’t worry, I’m on it,” I said. I then turned to Colonel Scar, still on the deck clutching his shoulder. “Give me your coat.”
“What?” he sputtered.
“I said give me your coat,” I repeated. “You’re being defrocked.”
Scar stared at me coldly but didn’t move.
“You see, defrocking is a way of saying that someone is being relieved of his or her duty, but a frock is also a coat,” I explained. “It’s like a dual meaning. “
“I get it,” he replied. “I just don’t think it’s very funny.”
With a sigh of exasperation, I tore his coat off and kicked him back to the deck again. I then put the coat on and brushed the upper arms.
“It’s a little snug,” I said. “But it’ll do. Please put Cobra Commander up on the screen.”
“Colonel Scar jussst what do you think you’re…” Cobra Commander’s image paused for a second. “Who are you?”
“I’m Colonel Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and this airship is now under my command,” I answered. “Colonel Scar has been defrocked.”
“He’sss what?” the Commander demanded.
“Defrocked,” I repeated. “Get it? Not only did I relieve him of his command, but I took his coat as well.”
“I get the joke, I just don’t think it’s funny!” he yelled back. “I want that airship back. I paid a lot of good money for that thing and I don’t want you destroying it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m taking good care of it, ooops,” I spilled a technician’s glass of water on his keyboard. Sparks and flew from between the keys as acrid smoke wafted up. “I’m still a little upset that you hired Zartan to kill me and take my place on my presidential campaign.”
“What? That’ssss ridiculousssss!” the terrorist leader hissed back. “That’ss really not my sstyle. I did no such thing, really.”
“And yet that’s what he tried,” I answered.
“Oh well, of course I have Zartan on retainer, but I can’t account for all of his activitiessss,” he shrugged. “He must have taken the job from sssomeone elsssse.”
“What do you think?” I turned to Hanson. “Think he’s being honest?”
“I don’t know,” she shrugged. “It seems like it but it’s not like I have some super power to read heat signatures to tell if someone’s lying or telling the truth.”
“Oh man, that would be a great power,” I said. “All I can do is bark like a dog. Listen to this: Arf arf arf!”
“Hey that does sound like a dog!” she exclaimed. “Can you do a bigger dog?”
“Woof woof woof.”
“That’s good, too,” she laughed. “Very impressive.”
“Yeah, now you see why this guy’s taken,” I said as I licked my fingertips and ran them through my eyebrows.“Clearly your mate isss one lucky woman,” Cobra Commander said over the comm screen. “But can we get back to the businessss at hand? I want my airship back.”
“Cobra Commander, I am impounding this airship in the name of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Hanson announced. “You are hereby charged with conducting terrorist activities on US soil, defiling federal lands, and violating US airspace. Please surrender to the nearest FBI office for processing.”
“I don’t think so,” he replied haughtily. “You may have control of that one room, but there is a hundred Cobras on that ship. Do you think you can arrest them all?”
“Maybe,” I answered. “I hear they Cobras are pretty bad shots.”
“Argh! Shut up you fool!”
“Hit a little too close to home?” Hanson smirked.
“Their ability to hit the target notwithstanding,” Cobra Commander composed himself. “I sstill do not think you’ll be able to fight them all off.”
“Well we’ll just have to give it a try then, huh?” I answered.
“Attention Cobra,” the Commander announced over the ship’s PA system. “An extra 500 gold Cobra Coins to the Viper who destroys those two. Cobraaaaaa!”
“Oh man, we can’t fight through them all,” I conceded.
“That’sss more like it,” he replied with a hiss. “Surrender and you may live.”
“Nope,” I shook my head. “I’ll just do this instead.”
I pulled out Betsy and shot a console.
“You fool! What are you doing?” Cobra Commander yelled.
I answered by shooting another control panel.
