I almost Britta'd the Quiz

http://www.buddytv.com/personalityquiz/community-personalityquiz.aspx?quiz=100000040

Fortunatley, I am Abed. 

Poetry Poetry, how do you like my Poetry?

It's not as mellow as Longfellow, but it's poetry. 


So the proverbial gauntlet has been thrown down.  Look up your Google search history and write a poem on it.  So I looked up my history and made an epic ballad with the results that are fit for human consumption.  I hope you enjoy it.

How Much Did You Pay For That Super Villain Life Style?

Well, your henchmen uniforms look shiny and costly.
How much did you pay for your bad Moto Guzzi?
And how much did you spend on your secret mountain lair?
With computers, a death ray and awesome command chair?


Now destroying armies with rays from above,
Sometimes from countries that you haven't even heard of.
And how much did you pay for your super villain t-shirt
That proves you were there,
That you blew them up first?

How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
Ah, tell me.


How much did you pay for that glowing MacGuffin,
The one you ruthlessly stole from that ancient seer?
And how much will he pay for a brand new MacGuffin,
One which he’ll obviously lose at the start of another show?
And how long will the secret agents keep liberating the new ones?
As long as their gadget cars are red, white, and blue ones.
And how long will the secret agents keep liberating the new ones?
As long as their gadget cars are red, white, and blue ones.


Ancient black hoodoo and homespun voodoo,
Fembot schemes and mind control pills.
Your sanity pays dearly now for evil magic moments,
But rock on completely with some brand new components.

How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?
How do you afford your super villain lifestyle?


Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Your self-destruction doesn't hurt them.
Your chaos won't convert them.
They're so happy to rebuild it.
You'll never really kill it.
Yeah, excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking what they're selling.
Excess ain't rebellion.
You're drinking,
You're drinking,
You're drinking what they're selling.

Wolverine Sure Does Like His Pizza

The Life Cycle of a Delicious Smiley Face Cookie

Intergalactic Update

Hey hey all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Don’t worry, I’m not dead yet.

(Go to this site to hear Not Dead Yet by the Bad Examples. Ties it up nicely, doesn’t it?)

Anyway, I’ve been around but I’ve been super busy. For some reason, I decided that going to graduate school would be a good career move. Yep, I’m getting my MBA – Masters in Beating up Aliens.

So my first class was Introduction to Managerial Mathematics, and let me tell you it was tough. Barbie was right, math is hard! It was difficult for me but math has always been difficult for me, I passed though and got a very solid 81.75%. I have now moved on to my finance class and that’s hard too! Fortunately, when I get this done, I won’t have to worry about math ever again, right? Right?

Since I’m not dead yet I’m hanging out over at the Straight Dope message boards. And since I’m over there, I figured I’d make an Ask the Intergalactic Gladiator thread. And I will tell you this: It’s guaranteed to be entertaining or double your money back!*

* Offer not valid on planet Earth. Please consult your owner’s manual before attempting to claim double your money back. Offer may contain peanuts, do not attempt to operate heavy machinery while claiming your money back. Do not use while sleeping. Edited for television. No other warranty expressed is implied. Please consult your physician before obtaining double your money back. Do not taunt Double Your Money Back. No purchase necessary, please submit receipt to enter. Keep in cool, dry place. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. This message represents the official view of the voices in my head. No animals were harmed by this guarantee. Offer void in Australia because those kangaroos think they’re so special, don’t they? Do not read warranty backwards. Do not sign here, for internal use only. Do not put warranty in mouth or anus. Do not use warranty while dispensing gasoline.

Yo Joe!

Hey everyone, check out my new post over at Company Apprentice where I interview for a job with none other than Cobra Commander himself. Can you believe it?

You can?

Can you believe he just kicked a dog like that?

Don't Stop reading My Posts

Good evening to all my Junior Intergalacitc Gladiators out there. If you guessed that I have another post over at the Company Apprentice, you guessed right.

“Hi, I’m Richard Head and I’m an alcoholic.” The second executive shook my hand. “And we’ve got to be honest with you, we’ve got a lot of shows in the works. You’re really going to have to wow us today.”

“We need you to engage us with synergy!” Margeaux added as she pushed her hands together. “We’re looking for something with pizzazz – but not too much pizzazz, we need something that people will want to watch. Something that will put money in the bank.”


“Of course,” I answered. “That’s why I would like to show you Team One: Criminal Intent.”

“Hmmm,” Richard rubbed his forefinger on his upper lip. “Isn’t there already a similar show to this?”

Head on over to the post and check it out. Stick around while you're at it, there's a lot of good stuff going on over there (mostly from Team One, I admit).

Read my post, you will

Hey ho everybody, I'm still kicking it over at the Company Apprentice. This week we have a very special task guest judged by non other than Master Yoda himself!

“Good afternoon, Yoda,” Nepharia greeted the Jedi Master. “I am Dar*ahem* Nepharia, the El Jefe for Team One and this afternoon we would like to show you our multipart plan to bring more tourism to Dagobah. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator has been working on the advertising campaign and I believe that he has a presentation to share with you at this time.”

“Good afternoon, Mr. Yoda,” I stretched out my hand towards him.

“Remember you I do,” the diminutive wizard spoke. “Sing to me that lame song you have and crash into my backyard in your spaceship you did.”

“Heh heh, yes of course,” I chuckled.

If that doesn't get you itchin' to read the full post, I don't know what will! Go on over there and check it out.

Read My Post again!

A great good afternoon to all my loyal Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators out there on the InterN.E.T. I'm still chugging away on The Company Apprentice, in fact, I'm the El Jefe for this week's task.

Check it out:

“And so I think this week’s task we’ll have the perfect opportunity to—” Professor Xavier paused. “Jon, are you listening?”

“Sorry, dude,” I replied. “Every time I hit F5 on my Wristcomm, it plays that Money song.”

Professor Xavier and Nepharia looked at each other. “Have you been drinking again?” she asked.

“Jus’ a little,” I pinched my fingers together and squinted. “I’m a’ight… really. You smell nice. Brrrrrrup.”

What happens next? Read it here!

Read My Post

I've been out for a while, but I posted on the Company Apprentice. Here's a little teaser:

I stumbled off the campus to Springfield Heights Institute of Technology holding all of the possessions that I had with me. Actually, I was kindly escorted out by the college’s security force. And by “kindly,” I mean “forcibly.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been kicked out of finer institutions than yours,” I shouted/mumbled back at them. “I’ve been kicked out of Brown, Vassar, and McHenry County College.”

Well this is really weird, I know I was supposed to come here and talk to the kids that we recruited in our new secret society, I wrote it all down here on my hand. That’s weird, my hand appears to be all smudged. Weirder still, I appear to be talking to a small dog right now.

“What do you mean I’m not supposed to be here?” I asked the dog.

The dog yapped back at me.

What happens next? Find out here.

The Company Apprentice

Another quick note to all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators. Check out the new reality show The Company Apprentice. I'm in it and I will be competing to win the grand prize of a dream job as a

A paper salesman?

Let me check this contract I just signed...

Script Cleaners

Hey everyone, there's a new blog in town called Script Cleaners and I just happen to have a post on it about the Dark Knight.

The Dark Knight.

When this movie hit the theaters, a lot of people were calling it the best “comic book movie” made and talked about how it transcended the genre. It wasn’t just a comic book movie, it was a really good movie that happened to have these comic characters in it.

Better late than never for me, but I did finally see it recently. That being said, it was a pretty good movie, it dealt with some interesting issues. It had big explosions and you could tell that director Christopher Nolan wasn’t just trying to make explosions and chase scenes, he wanted something more.

And yet…

Want to read more? Click here for the link.

Alien Case Files #52.43a: The Judoon

Ah yes, the Jadoon, a galactic police force – or more accurately, a race of thugs – who resemble bipod rhinoceros.

Armed with scanners, energy weapons and magic markers, these creatures do (barely) follow galactic law and are even used by the Shadow Proclamation as mercenaries. According to some sources, they are so dedicated to their work that they even sleep with their boots on. Of course all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators know that sleeping with your boots on often leads to trench foot. Be smart, don’t start.

Here are a couple of video clips featuring the Jadoon in action. Links will open in a separate window.

The Jadoon in Action Number 1.

The Jadoon in Action Number 2.

As you can see, these thugs don’t seem particularly smart and I often wonder how they became a space-faring race in the first place. I can only assume that a super advanced civilization accidentally left all of their ships on the Jadoon planet and now half the galaxy reaps the benefits of that mistake.

My advice to anyone encountering a Jadoon is to turn and get away if possible. If you can’t, just follow their orders and eventually they’ll accomplish their task or get distracted and leave. Whatever you do, don’t hit one of them or it’s sentence: execution.

A final note, Dr. Gaz created a pretty awesome video featuring the Jadoon. Check out the embed below and then go let him know you think it’s fantastic.

Haiku Summer: Add-a-mendemum

OK, so I missed a couple of comments in an earlier post. I’m not sure how that happened. I’m here to make it up to you because you know what they say? They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator always gets his man!” No wait, that doesn’t sound right. They say “Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator sometimes writes haiku or something.” That doesn’t sound quite right either. Whatever. It is all good, as they say.

For Henchman:
He is the Henchman
Sneaky, dirty, conniving
And a great dancer

Mechanical strength
Summons beast from the abyss
Plus that winning smile

For Dr. Zaius:
Robot hands of No
Held cash for the Chinese mob
Now they are glowing

On top of that, last week at the Absorbascon, he had Haiku Tuesday. Check out these fresh beats:

The Flash is as smart
As the Green Lantern is dumb
They're the Odd Couple.

Blogoversary

Holy cow everybody. I almost just totally missed my fourth blogoversary. We need to go back and take a look at my previous ones!

Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more. More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait. Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we? On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course. I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat. I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.” “Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?” “Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.” “What is it?” asked Jan. “What could it be?” asked Rocksun. “Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?” “VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.” “Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!” “Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.” “Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?” “Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer. Along the way, we found Hudson. "Tractor beam off?" I asked Hudson. "Sure is," he replied. "I took out some troops along the way, too." "Really?" "Yup," he nodded. "Totally quiet and sneaky-like. I am like Snake Eyes, a stone cold totally quiet killer. They never saw me coming." "So you're silent but violent?" I asked. "You got it," he grinned, full of pride. I stopped. "Wait a minute, what's today's date?" "You mean on Earth, or the Queen's Galactic Calendar?" asked Jan. "On Earth," I replied. I dialed up the calendar on my Wristcomm. "Hey, it's May 19th!" "So?" shrugged Hudson. "Tomorrow is my one year blogoversary!" I answered, allowing for more excitement than my current situation should allow. "Oh, well, happy blogoversary," said Hudson. "Yes, happy blogoversary," smiled Jan. Then she looked down. "I don't have a blog." "Maybe some day you will," I answered. "Hey, why don't we take a look at my first post." Jan and Hudson nodded in agreement and I called up my blog on my Wristcomm, then went to the first entry: I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket. Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory. Victory, thy taste is sweet. "That was... nice," Jan said. "I liked that action hero line," Hudson smiled. "The eyes have it! The eyes have it! The eyes have it!" "Yeah, well, sometimes I need work on those lines." I looked out past the fourth wall. "I want to thank everyone who's visited me here for the past year. You know who you are, go on stand up and give yourselves a big hand. Great. Now, just the ladies. Now just the men. Now just the men pretending to be ladies. Ha, I got you! Now you two in the back! Go on, stand up and clap." Thank you. “That was splendid” said the Queen. “Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!” Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand. Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…

That was super. I hope everyone had a swell time reading my blog this year.

#@(*&% Blagojevich burgers are on me! Yum-o!

Haiku Summer IV

OK, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I had a lot of fun with the haiku, so let’s end this with a bang. Submit your requests in the comments section below.


Summer’s just starting
Warm air, sunshine, nice weather
Let’s go see Star Trek


Captain Han Solo
Is all mushy for Leia
Laugh it up, fuzzball


For Dr. Zaius:
Sarah L Palin
She’s on a bridge to nowhere
Please, just go away

Update: For Captain Picard:
They're brave on Stargate
Jumping through a big portal
That looks like a loo

Haiku Summer III

Don’t stop me now kids, I’m on a roll!

(Well not literally. I don’t go around sitting on bread, that would be silly. You know what I mean)

For Captain Picard:
Money's tight right now
Even on the Enterprise
Worf gets out to push

Star Fleet's strapped for cash
Those Dilythium Crystals
Sure are expensive

For Jason Todd:
Jason Todd was caught
Stealing hubcaps from Batman
So make him Robin?

For MWB:
He wants no culture
Online, but can we have boobs
As well as good taste?

Haiku Summer, Part II

Writing haikus is fun! It’s fun and cultured! I got so much culture, it’s coming out of my butt.

I’m totally jazzed that you are getting into it too; did you see the haiku from Captain Picard and Yoda? Yoda even wrote a great one about Gollum. Here are some more haiku for your enjoymentude:



I love my wife and
Want to make love to her bod
As well as her mind


My daughter Kiera
Really really loves horses
I won’t buy her one


Paxton is talking
Naming everything he sees
Seagulls are now hawks


OK Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’ll write more if you want them.

Put your requests in the comments.

Intergalactic Gladiators, ho!

Haiku Summer

Summer of what?

That’s right, Junior Intergalactic Gladiators, I’m on a haiku kick right now and I’ll write one just for you. It can be about anything, politics, space travel, movies. You name it (just ix-nay on the onkeyboy-may, OK?)!

Just to start things off a little, I wrote this one for Dr. Zaius’s post about Bristol Palin going on the talk show circuit to talk about abstinence:

Bristol's on TV
Showing us her abstinence
Good job, you dummy

So come one, come all. Send in your orders via the comment section below. This is just like Summer of iDoodles, but with poetry, so you know it’s cultured!

Update! For Dr. Zaius:

One haiku for brains
And one for chocolate cake
Or one that has both?