To the Leviathan and Beyond!

I was prepping the Danger Sled for launch. Professor Xavier was in the cockpit and Professor S’Magmier was stowing his gear in the hold. I moved around the outside of the ship and I was just about to climb up into it when I heard that noise again.

“Bounce, bounce, bounce.”

There he was bounding across the tarmac. Oblivious to the sky cycles, the aircraft, and all the other activity of a busy landing pad, he aimed his frenetic bouncing right towards me.

“Hey hey Jonny Jon Jon Jo Jo J J!” He cackled gleefully. “You goin’ on a trip, buddy muddy fuddy duddy?”

“That’s right Mojo,” I answered. “It’s an important one, too. I don’t have time to goof off with you today.”

“Sure you do, do doodoo! There’s always time to goof off.”

“Ah, nope, I’m afraid not.” I leaned in real close to him. “This mission is of vital importance to the galaxy. Queen Galacta herself is sending me on it.”

“Oh joy,” Mojo’s eyelashes batted. “She is so beauteous. I would loooo-ooove to share a banana split with her, if you know what I mean.”

“Do you mean that you just want to share a banana split with her?” I asked flatly.

“Yes.”

“Well, that’s nice,” I started up the ramp. “But I really have to go.”

“Wait! I know what your mission needs!” He paused as if he was building a dramatic effect. “A sidekick!”

“I don’t think so,” I replied.

“Pppppppplease, Eddie!” he called out. “I’ll be your best fwend fo ever and ever and ever!”

I leaned in closer to him. My eyes darted back and forth mysteriously. “Yeah, except I have a very important mission for you. Only you.”

His eyes widened. His mouth popped open. “Really?”

“Really.” I leaned closer still. “I need you to take care of my goldfish while I’m gone.”

Mojo gulped, then he smiled and his hand flipped up into a salute. “You can count on me Jay Jay Jumpin’ Jingleheimerschmidt! Hey, that’s my name too! Hooo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha ha hah hah hah hah!”

I watched him bounce happily away, then stepped into the ship and made my way into the cockpit.

“You don’t have a goldfish,” Professor Xavier said to me.

“No,” I replied. “They keep dying on me.”

“And you just sent off that monkeyboy like that.”

“On a fool’s errand,” I chuckled. “Who better to send? Besides, do you really want a monkeyboy here with us?”

“No!” Xavier quickly replied. “No thank you. I do believe that this mission would continue nicely without him.”

“My gear is stowed, thank you,” Professor S’Magmier stepped into the cockpit. “Now if you two are finished picking mites out of each other’s body hair, I am ready to go.”

“You know, Smeggy, I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of this in front of the Queen but you’re really beginning to get on my nerves. You’re gonna have to zip it on this flight or else I might have to make you feel bad with some real harsh words.”

“Spoken like the backwards species that you are,” S’Magmier snapped back. “It is my job to make contact with the leviathan, yours is to just get me there. Perhaps if you could get those thumbs of yours to work, you could paw that control panel well enough to get us to our destination.”

“OK, that’s it,” I leaped up from my seat and grabbed his arm. “I’m going to show you what an unevolved person like myself is capable of.”

“Oh my--! Don’t kill me!” he wailed. “Don’t kill me!”

“We don’t really need him, do we Professor?”

“I would say the ride would be much more pleasant without him as well,” Xavier answered. “Although I might add that--”

“OK, cool!” I maneuvered the groveling scientist to the hatch. “You’re not coming, Smeggy. We’ll see you later.”

“But what about... Ahhh! No!” I popped the door open and pushed him through it.

“Don’t worry, it’s just a small drop!” I yelled to him. “I’m sure an advanced species such as you can survive it.”

S’Magmier landed on the ground with a thud. He looked up at me with a bit of a pout.”

“Hasta la vista, Smeggy!” I yelled to him.

“What?”

“I said ‘Ciao, chucklehead!’”

“What the frell are you saying?”

“Viva la revolution!” I whooped and closed the hatch.

He shook his fist back at me in futile rage as I waved to him from the cockpit. I lifted my ship off the ground, hovered for just a moment, and then shot her straight through the clouds and into space.

“You know, Jon,” Professor Xavier looked at me from the copilot’s chair. “You’re not doing our species any favors with behavior such as that. We might actually need his expertise when we meet this leviathan.”

“Meh, I’ve been in worse situations before,” I answered. “I think you and I can handle it. It’s first and ten, here we go!”

“Jon, you already said that it was first and ten earlier,” Xavier pointed out. “Is it still?”

“Uh, I guess it’s second and seven,” I shrugged and popped my ship into hyperspace. “Pass or run?”

“And what is with the football analogies?” Xavier asked. “I have to admit, I am not really a fan of the game.”

“Can’t help it,” I answered. “Football season’s about to start!”

The mission and the ship

“Hold on,” interrupted a technician. “New footage coming in.”

The Queen, Professor Xavier, the other professor, myself, and everyone else on deck who could spare an eyeball looked up at the screen and saw a far off shot of the ship. It certainly looked impressive, but it didn’t seem to be doing much.

“There’s more…” the technician punched a few buttons and the view changed a bit. This view showed some sort of energy building around the ship. The energy lanced out and scorched the moon of the planet the ship was orbiting. The moon exploded into a fiery flash of light.

The ship seemed to shift subtly and another lance of energy shot out towards our view. I blinked as the view broke into static.

“Drone 2 confirms that Drone 1 was destroyed,” the technician announced his readings. “Drone 1 is maintaining its distance and will hopefully stay out of that thing’s range.”

“This is now more serious that we originally imagined,” Queen Galacta IX stated. “If Galactor should get his hands on something with that kind of power, it will spell doom for the peoples of this galaxy.”

“Then we’re just going to have to beat them to it,” I said. “No sweat. First and ten.”

I saw Professor S’Magmier sneer just a little bit again. It was as if he was barely trying to contain his distain.

Although I can certainly appreciate your Earth sports analogies, I don’t believe anyone else here will get them, Professor Xavier thought to me.

Of course not, I replied. All part of the fun.

“Do not worry, Your Highness,” the leader of the X-Men announced out loud. “We shall not fail at our mission. You have my word on that.”

“Thank you, Professor,” she replied. And with a nod, we knew that we were dismissed.

Our happy little band made our way to the transporter room. The plan was to beam back to the Danger Sled and fly as quickly as possible to the living ship. On our way to the teleporter, S’Magmier’s sneer grew into full blown distaste.

“Ironic, isn’t it,” he thought out loud. “That two members of such an unevolved species are tasked to make first contact with perhaps the most advanced creature that this galaxy has known.

Is he for real? I thought to Professor X. What is his problem?

I am afraid that you will be able to find prejudice in just about every part of the galaxy, he answered. Humans certainly do not possess a monopoly on bigotry.

“I also find it highly ironic that one of the greatest telepathic minds in the galaxy comes from such a backwards species,” he continued. “I’ve studied your planet. I am quite surprised you aren’t yet extinct.”

I stopped him right there in the corridor and held up my finger. “That’s one, Smegy,” I said. “I know we’ve got problems. We’re not perfect. But I am not going to stand by and let you insult us like this. I’m getting’ pretty sick and tired of defending my planet to every damn holier-than-thou jerk that comes along.”

“I was j-just…” he stammered.

“Stow it!” I sent a mental wink to Xavier, he returned a psychic chuckle. I never knew that he could do that.

S’Magmier was fuming as we got onto the transporter pads. It didn’t take a telepath to see he was not happy with his situation.

Too bad for him. He’s stuck with us.

On board the Queen's ship

The officer led me to the bridge of Galaxy One, I tried to get information from him but he was tight lipped about what’s going on.

Finally we reached the command center, there was the usual buzz of activity as the officers and crew busied themselves at their stations. The queen was sitting on her dais. I approached her and dropped to my knee.

“My Queen,” I said. “It is a pleasure to be in Your presence once again.”

“Rise, Gladiator,” She replied coolly. “It is indeed My pleasure, but it is also not a time for formalities. Once again, your abilities are needed in service of My galaxy.”

With that, a scientist stepped forward and an image flickered on a screen.

“Several dats ago, relatively equivalent to your Earth day,” he began. “Our long range scanners picked up this ship at the edge of our galaxy.”

I looked at the ship; I couldn’t believe what I saw. “That thing looks… organic,” I said.

“Indeed it does, Earthman” affirmed the scientist. “It is a species we have never encountered before. A living ship is truly an amazing sight. Something no one could have conceived of before now.”

“And you want me to go fly to that thing to say hello?” I asked.

“We would be honored if you did,” said the Queen. I saw the scientist’s upper lip curl up in to the slightest sneer.

“Well sure, I’ll go,” I answered. “First contact situations aren’t really my forte, though.”

“That is why we have asked another of you kind to join you,” she answered.

A door slid open and a familiar face rolled forward.

“Professor Xavier,” I smiled and put my hand forward to shake his.

“It is a pleasure to see you once again, Jon,” he shook my hand.

“This ship, if it is truly alive, is the most unusual and foreign entity we have encountered,” said the Queen. “Making contact with it may be a most difficult task, but we must do so before My evil brother does.”

I thought about Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord and how much evil his has brought onto the galaxy. I certainly didn't want him to get his hands on this, either.

“It would be an honor to serve you this way,” Professor X spoke diplomatically.

“Yeah, it will be mine also,” I answered.

“Professor S’Magmier will accompany you,” the Queen continued. “He is my best scientist in the matter of Xenoforms.”

I saw him sneer just a little bit again.

“Well, let’s get going, gents,” I said. “Time for us to fly.”

Planet Hacknor, Fire Island D

I was walking across the tarmac of the landing pad on Fire Island D when I thought I heard something off in the distance.

“Bounce... Bounce... Bounce...”

I stopped and looked around. I couldn’t see what was making that noise, though.

“Bounce… Bounce… Bounce…!”

Again, I couldn’t tell where that noise was coming from.

“Bounce. Bounce. Bounce!”

I quickly turned around. It didn’t work, I couldn't see who was doing it.

“Bounce! Bounce! Bounce!”

It seemed pretty obvious who it was, but I let him get closer.

“Howya doin’ Jonny, Jon Jon Jon Shabadoo?”

“Mojo the Monkeyboy,” I looked at him. “What brings you here?”

“Well, buddypalchumbuddyfriend,” he answered. “I’ve been watching-swatching-glotching Last Gladiator Standing, of course.”

“…And..?”

“Well, I was just thinking-inking,” Mojo continued. “You had a sidekick competition, righty?”

“Yeah?”

“I think you could have another one, Jingo Jango Jongo!” he squealed.

“Ah, so you could get a job ‘kicking?” I asked.

“You got it, Jon-Darme!” he snorted. “I’ll be your bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!”

“So, you got your Intergalactic Sidekickery Phorce internship card?” I asked.

“Ah, well, er I wouldn’t say that I have insomuch as I am still not, er, mumble mumble,” he mumbled. “But I got my themesong! Listen to this!

“The wonderful thing about monkeboys
Is monkeyboys are wonderful things!
Their tops are made out of rubber
Their bottoms are made out of springs!
They're bouncy, trouncy, flouncy, pouncy
Fun, fun, fun, fun, fun!
But the most wonderful thing about monkeyboys is
I'm the only one!

“What do you think, Jon Boy Wall-Tin Tin Tin?”

“Well,” I said. “I can think of two things that might be wrong about that. First, you’re not the only monkeyboy. Second, I don’t think you actually have a tail.”

“Sure I do,” he answered. “My tailbone’s connected to my butt bone. My butt bone’s connected to my brain bone. Well, not actually, but hey! I can use that song maybe!”

“I think something like that’s been done before,” I chuckled. “Nice try.”

“OK, howabout:

“I am Mojo the Monkeyboy, nana nana nana nana Monkeyboy!”

“Yeah, I don’t think that’s going to work so well either. Keep tryin’ though.”

“You got it buddy boy bones buoy bingo balk bundt cake cracker!”

Mojo happily bounced away in one direction, I walked off in another. I’m getting pretty good at this. Put up with a monkeyboy’s antics for a few minutes, then their short attention span will lead them into another direction. I chuckled to myself at the thought.

My thoughts were interrupted as a soft, fuchsia energy surrounded me. I knew this feeling from before. I was being summoned by Queen Galacta.

I felt my molecules reassemble on a transporter pad. I stepped off it and walked up to the officer standing before me.

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” he said. “The Queen of the Galaxy needs your help.”

“I know,” I answered.

Google uses Pigeons?

Interesting.

I would think that they'd use squids or something. Squids have 10 tentacles to type with, pigeons can only peck with their beaks.

Love is Drugs?

I've long held the theory that you can take any popular song written that contains frequent use of the word "love" in the lyrics and substitute the word "drug" or "drugs." I don't actually think that they were written this way on purpose, but some of them are just a little too close for coincidence. Take a look:

"In the name of drugs, what more in the name of drugs" -- U2
"I will always drug you" -- Dolly Parton
"Drugs, drugs will keep us together" -- Captain and Tennille
"Drugs will tear us apart" -- Joy Division
"Hello, I drugged you won't you tell me your name" -- The Doors
"Drug me tender, drug me true" -- Elvis Presley
"I'll do anything for drugs" -- Meatloaf
"To all the girls I've drugged before" -- Willie Nelson and Julio Iglesius
"I think I drugged you" -- The Partridge family

Of course, you may have to change the subject/verb agreement or tense to actually make it fit, but that's all part of the fun of doing this.

"Can you feel the drug tonight?" -- Elton John
"I drugged you just the way you are" -- Billy Joel
"Tonight, I celebrate my drug" -- Roberta Flack and Peabo Bryson
"The power of drugs" -- Huey Lewis and the News
"Drugs lift us up where we belong" -- Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes

Incredible, isn't it? Who would possibly concieve that this could happen? Even more amazing, the most notable offenders are the Beatles. Take a look at this list:

"All you need is drugs"
"Can't buy me drugs"
"Drug, drug me do"
"PS, I drugged you"
"And I drugged her"
"Drug you to"
"Hallelujah I drugged Her So"
"I won't stay in a world without drugs"
"Falling in drug again"

OK, maybe that last one doesn't quite fit, so it must be the exception that proves the rule.

On a final note, I just wanted to make sure everyone understands that I don't condone the use of illegal substances. As an Intergalactic Gladiator, I need to keep in tip top shape and so I make it a point to avoid drugs in any form, except for beer, aspirin, and space steroids.

Er, but not the space steroids, I don't use those.

I am a Light Cycle. I drive fast, I turn fast, I do everything fast. I even breakfast. I tend to confuse people with my sudden changes of heart. Sometimes I even confuse myself, which tends to cause problems. What Video Game Character Are You?

Lounging at the Hero Lounge

[Crowd murmuring, applause]
Good evening everybody, thank you thank you. I am Johnny Paladin and I'll be your entertainment for this evening. Did everyone see how big that bouncer is? I think he could beat Lou Ferrigno in an arm wrestling contest.

[Mild laughter]

Spider-Man, Spider-Man*
Does whatever a spider can
Can he swing from a thread?
Take a look overhead

Look out here comes the Spider-Man, Spider-Man forever

Spider-Man, Spider-Man now and forever

[Applause]
Thank you, thank you very much. Say, what's your name?

Cyclops: I'm Cyclops, leader of the X-Men.

Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk,**
I'm a woman's man, no time to talk.
Music loud and women warm.
I've been kicked around since I was born.
And now it's all right, it's O.K.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York Times' effect on man.
Whether you're a brother
Or whether you're a mother,
I'm Cyclops, Cyclops.
Feel the city breakin'
And ev'rybody shakin'
And we're Cyclops, Cyclops.
Ah, ha, ha, ha,
Stayin' alive.

[Mild applause]

Cyclops: That was awesome!

Thank you, thank you very much. Hey, are there many mutants here tonight?

[Applause]

Please don't take my wallet.

[Laughter]

I'm kidding! Hey, it's Superman himself! Ladies and gentlemen, the Man of Steel.

[Applause, Superman sheepishly waves to the crowd]

What brings you here?

Superman: I don't get many days off, but when I get the chance, I like to come here to relax with some of my, er super friends.

If I go crazy then will you still ***
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well, will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might
Kryptonite

You called me strong, you called me weak
But your secrets I will keep
You took for granted all the times I
Never let you down
You stumbled in and bumped your head, if
Not for me then you would be dead
I picked you up and put you back
On solid ground

If I go crazy then will you still
Call me Superman
If I'm alive and well will you be
There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my
Superhuman might
Kryptonite

[Applause]

Superman: Thank you, er, that was nice. No more songs about Kryptonite, OK?

You got it, big guy. Hey, look who's here. Howya doin' tonight, Vegeta?

Vegeta: You know, relaxing, taking a break from smashing things.

Has he lost his mind? ****
Can he see or is he blind?
Can he walk at all,
Or if he moves will he fall?
Is he alive or dead?
Has he thoughts within his head?
Well just pass him there
Why should we even care?

Now the time is here
For Vegeta to spread fear
Vengeance from the grave
Kills the people he once saved

Heavy boots of lead
Fills his victims full of dread
Running as fast as they can
Vegeta lives again!

[Applause]

Vegeta: Sweet.

Thank you, thank you very much. Let's see who else is here tonight. Say, look over here, It looks like, oh oh...

The Tick: I am the Tick, I am mighty!

Oh boy.

Da dwee dah dah dah dwee dow *****
da dweeee dah dah dah dwee dow
Dwee dah do-doo dah dwee dah d0-doo dah
Da dwee dah dah dah dwee dow
Doot doot dah dah dat doot doot dah dah dah!

[Applause]

Thank you, thank you very much.

The Tick: That was keen! Do another!

Uh...

The Tick: Come on, singer! Sing for all you are worth!

OK.

Nana nana nana nana ******
Nana nana nana nana
The Tick!

Nana nana nana nana
Nana nana nana nana
The Tick!

The Tick! The Tick! The Tick!

Nana nana nana nana na
The Tick!

The Tick: Once again you have floored me with a great song, citizen. Sing another!

Looks like that's all the time we have for tonight. Thank you, you've been a great crowd!

[Applause]

The Tick: Hey!

* To the tune of Edelweiss
** To the tune of Stayin' Alive by the Bee Gees
*** Kryptonite by 3 Doors Down
**** To the tune of Iron Man by Black Sabbath
***** Theme to The Tick
****** To the tune of Batman

Separated at Birth III: The Final Frontier

Ladies and gentlemen, in Separated at Birth and Separated at Birth II we amazed and astounded you with our amazing and outstanding findings. But now what will our super powerful laser computers show us today? I hope you're ready to find out!


Midnight Oil frontman Peter Garrett and veteran character actor Michael Berryman are separated at birth!


Max Rebo and Blue are separated at birth!


Are Dwight Shrute and Tim Robbins separated at birth? You better believe your beet farm they are.


Zorak and Paris Hilton are separated at birth. Careful Zorak, she'll bite your head off because that's what evil an space mantis is wont to do.


Shrug and Lex Luthor are separated at birth! Remember dear readers, these results are complied by a super computer that is more powerful than 5 regular super computers duct taped together.


Cure singer Robert Smith and former Vikings running back Robert Smith are separated at birth. Wait, this doesn't seem right. Sure, they share the same name but they don't look alike at all.


Jon Stewart and John Stewart are separated at birth? Oh come on, that's not right. One is a comedian and the other's a Green Lantern. Let me check the settings on the computer.

PC Load Letter? What the hell does that mean?

Uh, we'll be back soon with more Separated at Birth.

Kenobi loves Cheetos

I guess it's time for me to jump on that "Kenobi loves Cheetos" bandwagon. Hopefully this poor dead horse hasn't been beaten quite enough yet.


Say look, Obi Wan is hosting a lovely dinner party. It appears that all the guests are having a fine time discussing the issues of the day.


Yes, this is a fine fete indeed. Hey you, don't eat the table!



In fact, that Obi Wan is so obsessed with the little orange curls of chalky cheese goodness, that even when he sees the future, his visions are marred by their salty orange presence.


So pucker up, the next time you want a kiss from your favorite Jedi Master. prepare to taste Cheeto goodness. Of course, he might not actually kiss you, as that would deminish the ammount of Cheeto flavor that he could keep for himself.

Hudson reviews Shadows of the Night

Pat Benatar is rock star and an American legend. Her songs make you laugh and cry, but mostly they make you think. Shadows of the Night is no exception and the video for it is no exception, either. Here I will critique what is arguably history's greatest video and perhaps you too will agree with my assessment.

Here our heroine is working hard at a drill press, pressing out little metal round thingies for victory. But she longs for something more. She stares at a poster featuring P-51 Mustangs. We dissolve to a rough and tumble group of aviators getting a briefing from a pointing stick-wielding officer who slaps a map a couple times. Quickly, they run to their planes and climb in and

Judge Reinhold? What the heck is Judge "Frickin'" Reinhold doing there anyway? OK, I guess he's one of the pilots. Good for him.

So our daring, rough and ready squad takes to the skies and after a couple of sweet aerial maneuvers, head straight for the enemy. The group gets to their objective and they hit the ground. They're going commando to take out the enemy.

Nazis! They're taking on a Nazi stronghold!

Show 'em what fer guys! Say, who is that handsome soldier on the left?

Pat Benatar leads her commando team in where they stay just out of sight of those evil National Socialists.

Then they plant not one, not two, but three bundles of TNT right in the air vent. They're going to blow this place sky high. I am not sure why they didn't just drop a bomb on it or something, but you gotta hand it to them for their pluck and their determination. They're in there getting their hands dirty, not just lasing a target from 800 meters away. They're going to blow it up with dynamite just like their great, great granddaddies used to blow up Nazi chalets.

Der Kommandandt takes a moment from kissing the neck of a sweet Fräulein to run back to the main room and sound the alert. Meanwhile, the handsome young soldier mans the radio station.

The dirty Jerries scramble to stop the heroic intruders and what's this? One of the soldaten has a ponytail! A ponytail? Where's the barber, this guy's haircut is out of regulation!

Our heroes race back to their planes, strip the cammo net away and lift off!

The Nazis give chase and a dogfight ensues. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will live and who will die? We don't know.

In the cockpit, the angelic voiced dogface sings into her microphone. Who could be listening?

Could it be to the young, good looking radio operator? It just might be.

Meanwhile on the tabletop, the figures representing the German planes in the air are swept away. The commander is so disgusted that he accidentally hits his subordinate, the pulchritudinous radio operator.

The Jerry pilot angrily shakes his hand at our heroes, then screams and crashes into the ground. His evilness is no more.

The German stronghold explodes! We hope that the jackboot-wearing Adonis was able to dive for safety. He doesn't deserve to die, he was just following orders.

Mission accomplished. Time for the Dirty Foursome to head home.

But wait, was this only a dream? It must have been! The rugged and striking soldier must still be alive.

Clearly you can see how powerfully emotional this video is. I give it 73 rounds from my M41A Pulse Rifle!

See Shadows of the Night here!

See something horrific and terrifying here!