“Yes, yes I did,” Hudson sobbed. “If I knew he was the Devil I wouldn’t’ve done it!”
“So did you see her in her underwear, then?” I asked.
“Well kinda…”
“What do you mean kinda,” I prodded.
“Well, after I signed it, we went on a mission together to kill bugs.” Hudson then shuddered. “Man, I hate bugs.”
“And at any point in this mission, did you see Vampirella in any undergarment?” I asked.
“Not really,” he replied quietly. “Just her regular outfit.”
“No underpants, bra, panties, lingerie, thongs, or boxers?” I pushed.
“No, just her regular outfit,” Hudson sighed exhaustedly.
“If it pleases the court,” Lucifer stepped up. “I would like to submit as evidence Exhibit A, B, C, and D.”
Death motioned for the Lord of Darkness to approach. He did and presented four photographs of Vampirella in various poses.
“Clearly, your honor, what this… woman considers clothing would be considered undergarments by any other normal person,” the Antichrist chortled. “I ensured that he would see plenty of her on that mission, fulfilling the terms of the contract. That makes Hudson’s soul my property.”
“You tricked him into signing that, but you didn’t even fulfill it properly,” I accused him angrily.
“Of course I didn’t fulfill it how Hudson wanted it,” he replied. “I am the Devil.”
“None, your honor,” I replied.
“Lucifer, do you have a redirect?”
“Yes I do, your honor,” he replied. “Hudson, after you signed this contract you did, indeed, get to spend some quality time with Vampirella, right?”
“Well, yeah,” the marine replied. “I mean, except for that other guy.”
“And you got see her up close,” the demon sneered. “Real close, right?”
“Yes, I saw her up close.”
“Sure, I guess,” the private replied. “She’s hot.”
“And you liked her choice of attire?”
“Yeah.”
“And do you like these photographs here?” Satan prodded.
“Sure do,” Hudson replied. “‘Specially that second one. And the third one.”
“Hudson!” I shouted out in frustration.
“Order!” Death commanded. “I will not tolerate outbursts like that.”
“No further questions. Hoooahhhhh!”
The judge looked at me. “Do you have any witnesses?”
“Yes, your honor,” I answered. “The defense calls Vampirella.”
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Shout at the Devil
Monday, November 20, 2006
Running with the Devil
I was in a courtroom, sitting with my elbows on a table with only a pitcher of water in front of me. To my right was another table with Lucifer the Lord of Darkness sitting calmly.
“I got you now, fool,” Satan leered at me. “This is the place where I really shine. Hooooo yeahhhh!”
“All rise,” a bailiff commanded. “Hell’s Court is now in session, the honorable Death presiding.”
The devil leaned over towards me. “The bailiff is a good man,” he whispered. “He can be a bit of a bull sometimes, but I like him. Heh heh.”
“Yes, your honor,” The cunning dark lord of the Underworld and I said in unison.
“You may begin,” she nodded to my adversary.
“Your honor,” Lucifer stood up. “My first witness is Private Hudson.”
With a flash and a puff of smoke, Private Hudson appeared at the witness stand.
“Oh man.” Hudson looked around at everything in the courtroom, and then waved kind of sheepishly towards me. “Hey Jon.”
I waved back. “Hey.”
In another puff of smoke, a scroll of paper appeared in the Fallen One’s hand. He unrolled it and showed it to Hudson.
Hudson looked at the paper. “Yes,” he heaved out a crestfallen sigh.
“Where have you seen this before?”
“When I signed it,” he answered.
“So you did indeed sign this?”
“Yes,” Hudson looked down and picked at something on his fatigue pants. “I did.”
“And so you signed this contract, this legally binding contract, for your soul in exchange for goods rendered?”
“Yes, I did.”
“No further questions, your honor,” the Lord of Lies smugly walked back to his table.
I stood up and looked at the contract. I almost did a double take as I looked at it again.
“Hudson, you signed this?” I asked.
“You sold your soul to see Vampirella in her underwear?”
“Well, I didn't know he was the Devil! I thought he was her agent or something!”
Already this is not going very well.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Hell is Like a Dio Album Cover
This is it; this is where I’ll go face-to-face with Lucifer. Mano a mano with the Lord of the Underworld. He’s got the strength and cunning of an eternity spent in evil and I’ve got me.
Feel free to hum Night on Bald Mountain.
“I must warn you,” Virgil said to me. “It is obvious that Lucifer is using Hudson as a pawn.”
“That should be obvious to everyone,” I agreed.
“He will tempt you, he will entice you, he will try to trick you,” the dead poet continued. “The longer you engage him, the easier it will become for him to subvert you to his evil.”
“Turn me to the Dark Side, eh?” I muttered. “Don’t worry, I’ve got a plan.”
“Oh, and what is it?”
“I will give him my soul freely in exchange for Hudson’s release,” I announced. “He won’t be able to take my soul because I am offering it to him with honorable intentions, not for selfish gains.”
“And you think this will work?” Virgil did not seem convinced.
“Sure it will,” I answered. “I saw it in a comic book once.”
“I’ve been waiting for you!” a voice thundered.
“I am here for Hudson’s soul,” I stated flatly.
“You’ll not get it,” Satan laughed evilly. “Not without a fight.”
“No no, that’s not what I want,” I held up my hands. “I am willing to trade you mine for his. Even Stevens.”
“I don’t think so,” the Dark Lord laughed. “I’ve seen that comic book, too. I won’t let you simply give me your soul. That is why we will battle for it. You may take his soul back, if you can.”
“He’s awfully big,” I said aside to Virgil. “What will happen if we fight?”
“He would surely win,” the ancient Roman answered. “Then he’ll have both yours and Hudson’s soul.”
“He is right,” Virgil said to me. “I can offer you no more counsel.”
“OK, tall, dark, and gruesome, I’ll fight ya,” I said. “Only I don’t think it’s very fair that you’re so big and I’m just little ole me. Why doncha come on down here and then we’ll duke it out.”
“Oh, I don’t intend to engage you in physical combat,” the Devil laughed. “I have something else in mind.”
“Really?”
With a bright flash and a puff of sulfuric smoke, the gigantic demon disappeared. I couldn’t see him anywhere.
“OK,” I mumbled while looking around. “Where’d he go?”
“Oh I’m right here,” Satan replied. “And If you want to battle for Hudson’s soul, you can battle me in court. My court!”
“Hooo ahhh!”
Monday, November 13, 2006
The Ninth Level of Hell
I stood before the Entrance to the Ninth Level of Hell. Guarding it were three giants, and though they hadn’t seen me yet, if I were to attempt to get past them, they surely would.
“Wow, I missed you back on the Eighth Circle,” Virgil the Poet appeared next to me. “How did you get through so quickly?”
“A level full of grafters, thieves, and hypocrites?” I guffawed. “They were no match for me.”
“Instead of spending time at the Seventh Level like I previously mentioned, perhaps you should be in the Second Circle,” Virgil said dryly.
“Second Circle?”
“A little vain about your abilities aren’t we?” Virgil laughed. “I never thought of you as a narcissist.”
“Hey, first love is self love,” I chuckled back at him. “Besides, it’s hard to be humble when you’re great like this.”
Virgil laughed at that. Last month, if you would have told me that I would hanging out in Hell with a Roman poet who died over two thousand years before I born and making him laugh at my goofy jokes, I might have called you crazy. But here I am. Maybe I’m crazy.
“Ah, the giants Ephialtes, Antaeus, and Nimrod,” Virgil replied. “They are --”
“Nimrod?” I interrupted him, sputtering with laughter. “That’s too funny!”
“You would be careful at which you express amusement,” the dead poet replied. “Nimrod was a great hunter.”
“Yeah, I know,” I replied, stifling my last few chuckles. “The name’s just been ruined for me because I’ve watched too much Bugs Bunny in my youth.”
“I see,” he replied. “Do you also realize, however, that there is a Nimrod International Journal of Prose and Poetry as well as a British military plane called a Nimrod?”
“You’re right,” I said stifling just one more guffaw.
“And do not forget that ‘Nimrod’s Son’ is a great song by the Pixies,” he continued.
“OK, OK, I get it. So how do I get past Nimrod?” I asked. I did not chuckle.
“Once again, you must negotiate the journey on your own. I will see you once you get past.”
I pulled one of my blaster pistols from its holster and fired it up at one of the giants.
“Ow! Geez, that hurt!” roared the giant. “What was that?”
“I dunno,” said another. “I didn’t see anything.”
The giants looked around for the cause but I had sprinted behind one of them and they couldn’t see me.
I kicked the giant in the ankle then dashed around his heel to his other foot.
“Ow!” The giant looked down but couldn’t see what caused the sharp pain in his joint. I then fired again, this time at the third giant.
“Ow, hey, that stings!” he roared. “What in Goliath’s name was that?”
“Hey ugly!” I yelled at the third giant. “I’ve got something for ya!”
The giants looked down at me and I fired right into the eyeball of the third giant.
“Ow! I’ll smash him good!” The third giant tried to flatten me with his colossal foot, but I dove out of the way and he stomped on his comrade’s foot instead.
“Yow! My foot!” He hopped up and down while clutching his stomped-on foot.
“Hey big guy, over here!” I fired again at the third giant.
With a thunderous howl, the giant slammed his fist down upon me.
When he slammed his meaty paw down on me, I rolled away at the last second and quickly scampered up his sleeve to his shoulder.
“Ugly and stupid!” I yelled while firing at the second giant again. “That’s the way I like ‘em!”
“Ow! I’ll smash you!” The giant took a wild swing at me, connecting with his comrade instead. As my ride stumbled back from the blow, I leaped off and landed on the second one. I quickly ran up his arm, firing at the first giant.
“Arrgh! There he is!” the third giant threw himself right at the second giant in an attempt to grab me. They tumbled to the ground with an earth-shaking thud, while I dove off and did an excellent combat roll away from them.
“The bigger they are, the harder they fall, as they say!” I yelled.
“I hate hearing that!” the first giant roared and tried to stomp me.
“Yeah, I guess it is clichéd,” I dodged his attacks while firing up at him. “Perhaps we could discuss this over the big taste of a big cereal.”
The first giant tried to stomp me again, but I ran past the other two who were just starting to clamber to their feet. They all crashed to the ground in a giant (pun intended) heap.
The skyscraper-sized monster on top of the pile looked at me. “Why are you doing this anyway?”
“I gotta get through to the Ninth Circle,” I responded.
“Aw jeez,” he rolled his eyes. “Fine, you may pass. I mean, really.”
“What, that’s it?” I shrugged. “I can just go?”
“Yes, yes, just go,” another of the fallen titans rumbled loudly. “Just get away from us.”
The giants picked themselves up as I made my way towards the barrier.
“Really?”
“Go!” the three shouted back at me.
“Though you would be foolish to do so,” the third one added. “For beyond that barrier, the Lord of the Underworld, the dreaded dark one Lucifer awaits.”
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Hudson: Hell really isn't a good place to be
We have a saying the Colonial Marines: War is hell. Now I can easily tell you that Hell is hell, too.
Who would have thought that being abducted by the minions of this wretched hellhole and having my soul tortured endlessly would be so bad? It’s awful. Gosh darn awful.
The worst part is that they have me strapped to this wall and they’re playing The Date Movie endlessly. It is torture I tell you, torture most foul! If I see Alyson Hannigan jiggling around in that fat suit one more time, I may have to tear my eyes out with my mother’s broach or something.
What really tops it off is that this big red guy is always standing around me laughing. No, I’m not talking about Santa Claus, I’m talking about Satan himself, the Devil Incarnate, the Great Deciever, The Lord of the Flies, Old Scratch.
“Enjoying your stay, Hudson?” Satan leered at me.
“Yeah, it’s real swell,” I answered. “Say, you don’t suppose that you could turn that movie off for a little while, do you?”
“Yeah well…” I tried to think of something clever to respond with. “He won’t stop until he rescues me!”
Satan leaned closer, is breath reeked of sulfur. “That’s what I’m counting on,” the Lord of Lies grinned evilly. “What greater prize than the Intergalactic Gladiator’s very soul? That is why I tricked him into coming down here.”
“Yeah, well, we’ve got an old saying in Texas,” I replied bravely. “I think they say it Tennessee… we say it in Texas. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…. I won’t get fooled again.’”
“What kind of an idiot would say something like that?” Lucifer looked at me with a puzzled look on his confused-looking face.
“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I answered.
There. That’ll show him.
Monday, November 06, 2006
The Seventh Level of Hell
Private Hudson was abducted by the minions of Hell and taken into the depths of the Underworld. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator chases after them to get the marine back. Aided in his journey by Virgil the poet from ancient Rome, Jon deftly negotiated the first Six levels of Hell and is now about to visit the Seventh.
I looked down the path leading to the gates of the Seventh Circle. There were boulders littering the trail and near the entrance itself, I saw a towering bull-like figure standing like a man.
“A minotaur?” I asked Virgil.
“The Minotaur,” the poet answered. “He guards the entrance to this level. This is the level of violence, something that this creature revels in. Although by your antics on the previous Circle, perhaps you would feel quite welcome here as well.”
“Very funny. A poet and comedian, you’re a true renaissance man,” I retorted. “So how do I get past Mr. Bova there?”
“Wait, who is that there?” Virgil looked across the distance. “I fear this is worse than I thought. Medusa has joined the Minotaur!”
“Medusa? You mean turn-you-to-stone-if-you-look-at-me snake lady?”
“That is her, it is true,” Virgil affirmed. “She normally resides in the Fifth Circle; perhaps she is visiting this one today.”
“Visiting? Like this is supposed to be a vacation or something?” I peered in the direction to try to see for myself. Virgil quickly slapped his hands across my face.
“No!” he shouted. “Do not gaze upon her ghastly visage, for if you do you would instantly become like a statue!”
“OK OK, jeez.” I pulled his hand from off my face. He slapped his other hand in front of my eyes for my trouble.
“I cannot allow you to look,” he announced. “You are mortal and your fate would easily be sealed.”
“Alright, alright already.” I pulled his hand away, but again he covered my face. “What is this, the 3 Stooges? I won’t look, OK?”
Virgil finally relented with his slapstick assault when I put my back to the evil gorgon.
“OK, what else is on this level?” I asked. “I have to get past the Minotaur, Medusa, what else am I going to run into?”
“There are also centaurs, harpies, a wild pack of dogs and Phlegethon.”
“Who’s Phlegethon?” I asked.
“Phlegethon, my friend, is the river of fire,” the poet answered. “Hot blood of the violent flows freely here.”
“Flaming blood, huh? What a wonderful place this is. Don’t think I want to live here, though,” I added acerbically. “That’s OK, though, ‘cuz I’ve got an idea.”
The Minotaur stood among the rocks and boulders, guarding the Level he was charged to guard. Medusa stood nearby. During their banishment to Hell, Medusa and he had struck a bit of a friendship. Though whilst alive, the half bull could never look at her, in Hell he could. Though their friendship was no more than that, sometimes the Minotaur longed for more. Surely Medusa had similar feelings, why else would she come calling to his Level if she did not?
The Minotaur grunted and kicked the ground a bit. He threw his heavy axe over his shoulder. Maybe he could just ask her to –
Something caught his eye and he turned to see a centaur charging towards him. Before he could react, the fusion of man and horse leaped over him and his serpentine companion. The Minotaur fell to the ground, rolled over, and looked to see the centaur kicking up clouds of dust while retreating into the distance.
The Centaur ran and ran. He ran over rocks, across the river of fiery blood and past others of his kind. He ran past startled harpies and snapping dogs. He reached the end of the Seventh Circle and skidded to a halt. He then looked at the man holding tight on his back.
“You could have asked nicely and I would have taken you all the same,” the centaur growled.
I holstered my pistol and dismounted. “Well, thank you for the ride anyway,” I said. “You’re a good man, er, you know, ah –”
“Centaur,” he replied. “I am a centaur.”
“I know that,” I answered. “I just don’t know your name is all.”
“You can call me Nessus.”
“Well, like I said thank you, Nessus. I appreciate the lift.”
Nessus snorted and trotted away. I looked towards the Eighth Circle.
Thursday, November 02, 2006
The Sixth Level of Hell
Private Hudson was abducted by the minions of Hell and taken into the depths of the Underworld. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator chases after them to get the marine back. He is aided in his journey by Virgil the poet from ancient Rome. Jon has already negotiated the first Five levels of hell and is about to plunge into the Sixth.
I tore open the doors and looked around. Now this is what I always thought Hell would be like. Flaming tombs, wailing souls, it’s all in here. Thousands of souls angrily shuffled about in the fire here.
“This, the City of Dis, is the level of heresy,” Virgil said to me. “Those who are here are truly doomed, as you can see their pain and suffering. They will try to stop you from crossing their realm.”
“OK, then I need a plan,” I answered. I looked out at the damned denizens and pulled out my pistols.
Time to use one of Private Hudson’s favorite movie lines. No, it isn’t “Game over” or “Game over, man.”
“I am here to kick butt and chew bubble gum and I am all out of gum,” I announce boldly. The heretics stop and look at me. I stare at them. They stare at me.
Suddenly, one of the doomed points at me and screeches, several others do the same and still more rush towards me.
I shoot the nearest one, the bolt explodes at his chest and he crumples to the ground. Everyone stops and looks at their collapsed comrade.
“OK listen up,” I yell out. “I am going to be walking through and anyone who tries to stop me gets a little bit of this!”
I have Betsy pointed towards the crowd, Winona is held up so they can see what took down one of their own. They all stare at the weapon hefted into the air, then they look at me.
“Kill him!” yells one.
“Crush him!” yells another.
“Destroy!” yells a third.
“Brains!” yells one more.
The herd of the hopeless surged forward towards me; in return, I yell and charge them. My guns are blazing as they slash towards me. I fire and fire at everyone in my way and finally elbow my way past the crowd. Now with some space in front of me, I start running, firing back at them the whole way.
Everywhere I turn, more heretics appear in front of me. The cartridges in my blaster pistols are soon bled dry by my constant firing. I pop them out and slide in new ammo carts. Still the heretics surge towards me.
Twisting backwards so I can fire at them, I continue to take down those who chase me. I kind of feel bad for the rabble, they are condemned and yet I have invaded their home. On the other hand, they could have just let me through, right?
I popped another cartridge into Betsy. Winona was getting low and both gun barrels were heating up from the constant firing. The heretics continued to press towards me and I continued to shoot them while running towards to entryway into the next level.
Finally I reached the door and hauled it open. Still taking shots at those closest, I dove in and hauled the heavy wooden portal shut. Whew. Circle Seven, here I come.
My only question though is this: if I shoot someone in Hell and he dies, where does he go?
Monday, October 30, 2006
The Fifth Level of Hell
Private Hudson was abducted by the minions of Hell and Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is determined to rescue the shanghaied marine. Join him now as he travels to the Fifth Circle of Hell.
I stepped out onto the level and looked at my surroundings. Before me there was a great, swampy river. Many souls in the river were angrily attacking each other, though as I peered into the waters, there were more souls sitting quietly in the water.
“The wrathful and the sullen are punished here,” the ancient poet Virgil spoke up as he appeared next to me. “Those who cannot control their anger must forever thrash about in the River Styx. Those who turn their anger inward must forever sit at the bottom.”
“Stewing in their own anger, huh?” I said to him. “How do we get across?”
“I have a friend who will aid us here,” Virgil answered. “There he is.”
A boat appeared out of the mist, a man stood in the back of it with a pole pushing it towards us.
“Phlegyas, this is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, this is Phlegyas,” Virgil introduced us. “He can ferry us across the Styx.”
“No, I don’t think so,” Phlegyas announced irritably. “I don’t want to take him across. What am I some taxi service for any living guy you bring around here, huh?”
“Oh don’t be so snippy,” Virgil snapped back. “This is only the second that I’ve brought here in what, 700 years or so? You should be grateful that I even bring you company.”
“Well look at him,” Phlegyas sniffed. “He looks ridiculous… I don’t want him riding in my boat.”
“Just give us a ride, I swear…” Virgil pleaded.
“Would it help if I sang?” I asked.
“What?” Phlegyas looked at me.
“You know, I could entertain you with a song in exchange for a ride:
“Lady, when you’re with me I’m smiling
Give me all your love
Your hands build me up when I’m sinking
Touch me and my troubles all fade.
Lady from the moment I saw you
Standing all alone
You gave all the love that I needed
So shy like a child who had grown.”
“Stop it, stop it,” Phlegyas grabbed his ears. “I don’t want to hear that song again.”
“Well, how about this?” I started to do the robot as I sang.
“You're wondering who I am (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
Machine or mannequin (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
With parts made in Japan (Secret secret, I've got a secret)
I am the modern man
I've got a secret I've been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain IBM
So if you see me acting strangely, don't be surprised
I'm just a man who needed someone and somewhere to hide
To keep me alive, just keep me alive
Somewhere to hide to keep me alive!”
“Argh, stop it,” he screamed. “Why must everyone sing these damnable songs to me when they come here? It was funny once, I get it. You are definitely, definitely not riding on my boat if you keep this up.”
“He is a little sensitive to the Styx joke,” Virgil whispered to me. “Plus, I think the Simpsons did this already, didn’t they?”
“Well, if I’m going to rip off someone’s joke, might as well be them,” I answered. “Are we going to be here a while? I’m getting kind of hungry.”
I pulled a Snickers bar out of my cargo pocket and tore open the wrapper.
“Say, what is that?” Phlegyas interrupted my bite, pointing to the candy bar.
“What this? It’s just a candy bar,” I shrugged. “You know, chocolate, peanuts, creamy nougat.”
“We don’t get those things around here,” Phlegyas leered at the chocolate bar. “May I have a bite?”
“Well… I don’t know…”
“Come on, just a teeny, tiny little bite.” Phlegyas pinched his fingers together, squinted and smiled at me in an emulation of a tiny bite.
“Alright,” I sighed. “I’ll tell you what. You ferry us across and you can have the whole thing.”
“Done and done!” Phlegyas greedily gobbled up his sweet prize as Virgil and I boarded the boat.
The boatman steered us across the swampy waters as those who dwelled in the water angrily thrashed about. As we approached the other side, I saw figures moving about high in the cliffs. They began to take shape as they swooped down upon us.
“The Fallen!” Virgil yelled. “They will surely keep us from getting to the other side!”
“Not if I stop them first!” I exclaimed as action hero-ey as I could.
I quickly drew my pistols and fired them at the flying imps. One by one, blaster bolts struck the creatures and they tumbled out of the sky. Still others flew in, and I shot them as well. Eventually things quieted down enough and we reached the far side of the Styx.
“I thought that you said these would do me no good here,” I hefted my pistols in front of Virgil. “They definitely worked against the Cerebrus and these creatures.”
“Eh, so I was wrong,” he answered. “What do I know of your modern weapons of war?”
The boat hit the shore and I leaped out onto the ground. I looked up and saw a great, gated wall in front of me. It certainly didn’t look like the previous doors.
“I must warn you that the remaining levels are the most dangerous of all,” Virgil cautioned. “Beyond these walls is the city of Dis, and it is brimming with violence and evil.”
“Great, I go through Dis,” I answered. “Welcome to the next Circle, same as the last Circle.”
I hauled open the door and leapt inside.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
The Fourth Level of Hell
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is traveling through Hell to rescue an abducted Private Hudson. Our hero already encountered the First, Second, and Third Level and is preparing to negotiate the Fourth.
I opened the door to the Fourth Circle and took a look. The souls inside were pushing rocks around, driving them into one another.
“This is the level were those who were only concerned for material goods are punished,” said Virgil as he appeared beside me. “These souls are forever cursed to push these boulders into one another for all eternity. Thus is the penalty for the squanderers, the hoarders, the prodigals…”
“Yeah, looks like it’s a real gas here,” I muttered. “So all I have to do is dodge a bunch of naked guys rolling rocks around here?”
(Rolling rocks? Man, I could go for a Rolling Rock right now.)
“’Twill not be that easy, my friend,” Virgil answered. “You must face Plutus as well.”
“Plutus? You mean like a duck-billed plutuspus or something?”
“No,” Virgil replied dryly. “Plutus is the god of wealth and money.”
“I gotta take on a god, eh?” I replied. “Well, let’s do it.”
I crept into the level, carefully picking my way past the tortured souls. I was halfway through and I thought that I’d just about make it when I heard a booming voice echo through the realm.
“Who dares cross my domain?” Plutus demanded.
“Uh, nobody,” I replied, trying to sound as meek as possible. “I’m uh… ungh.. just pushing this here boulder… yeah…”
“You cannot fool me,” Plutus roared from his cragged throne. “Come closer and be judged!”
I peered around a boulder and looked at the ruler of this Circle. He sat slouched over in a seat, the corpulent flesh of his soft belly poured out of his cloak. His eyes had a certain vacancy to them.
“Wow, you should spend a little time in Circle Three,” I jerked my thumb back towards the door that I entered through.
“How dare you!” the ancient god roared. “You will pay for your insolence, mortal!”
“He’s blind,” Virgil whispered in my ear. “Lame as well, though he is winged and may leave faster than he came.”
“That’s crazy,” I whispered back. “Who would make up something like that?”
“Don’t look at me,” Virgil murmured. “It was the ancient Greeks.”
“Aren’t you Greek?” I replied softly.
“No,” the dead poet hissed in a hushed tone. “I’m Roman.”
“Oh,” I said (whispering). “OK.”
“These hushed tones will not protect you from my wrath!” Plutus howled. “Say your name so that I may know who I destroy”
“I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!” I announced with my arms akimbo. “And don’t you forget it.”
The sightless spirit howled in rage as his wings unfurled from behind him. They flapped with a thunderous crash and he hurled himself thirty feet into the air, turned and dove straight at me.
I narrowly dodged the attack and rolled away as he crashed into the ground.
“Wow, you may be blind as a bat, Bluto,” I yelled at him. “But it looks like you’ve got their radar, too!”
Plutus wailed in rage once again and hurled himself at me. I dodged once again myself and unholstered one of my pistols. Running away from him once more, I shot a boulder. It exploded and the soul who was pushing it jumped up and cheered.
Plutus swooped towards me, I ran as fast as my legs could carry me, firing at the big rocks along the way. They exploded as well, the bearers cheered and the god howled. His anger rose as the events continued.
I ran towards the general direction of the exit, but in my haste to dodge the swollen celestial, I wasn’t running close enough to it. Even if I got to the door, I would still have to avoid his attack as I opened it. My options became more limited as I ran up to the barrier that the door is built into. As far as the eye could see, there was an unclimbable wall.
Plutus howled and aimed straight for me. I looked back up at him with my back to the wall, unable to move. Then, just as he bore down on me, I dove out of the way again.
He crashed into the palisades and slumped to the ground.
“Well, that was some nice echolocation you got there,” I said as I pulled the door open. “Hopefully you can echolocate yourself back to your chair.”
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
The Third Level of Hell
When last we were with Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, he was traveling through Hell to rescue an abducted Private Hudson. Our hero already traveled through the First and Second Circle and was now about to confront the Third.
I heaved open the massive door and peered out into the level.
“Eww,” I said out loud.
As far as the eye could see fat, immense, corpulent people littered the landscape. They were everywhere lying in the mud, rolling and churning. Oh it was disgusting.“Eww,” I said again as I looked around.
“This is where the gluttonous are punished,” Virgil appeared next to me.
“I imagine,” I replied. “Eww.”
“Those with voracious, uncontrollable appetites are sent here,” Virgil continued.“I hear you, and I say again ‘eww.’ These fat hogs are probably the most disgusting thing that I’ve seen in my life, and I’ve seen a party of orcs on a drinking binge.”
“I must warn you,” Virgil continued. “These porcine, portly people are not the only denizens of this level… You must be on guard for the Cerberus.”I heard a growling off in the distance.
“Cerberus? You mean like the three-headed dog?” I asked.
“Well yes,” Virgil said. “But you should know that—”
“No problem,” I dismissed him. “I’m really good with animals, especially dogs. Here doggy doggy, uh, doggy.”I started to walk out slowly, holding my hand out for the creature to sniff it.
“Here doggy doggy doggy.”
Suddenly, something leaped on top of me. The Cerberus had me pinned to the ground with his massive front paws. He growled at me then leaned his three heads back in anticipation of a strike.
“I tried to tell you,” Virgil called out to me. “The Cerberus may look like a dog, but it is in fact a demon. You would not be able to befriend it just as you would not be able to gain allegiance from any other blighted beast of this realm!”“I see that,” I yelled back. “…now.”
Beneath the dog there was a bright flash. The three heads howled in pain and leaped back. I stood up, the smoking barrel of my blaster pistol still pointed at the creature.
“Bad doggie!” I yelled at it. “No treat for you.”Cerberus howled and leaped at me again. I dove out of the way and the creature slid across the mud. It looked back and me and howled once more before rushing me a third time.
Dodging the cursed canine, I ran towards the exit door, leaping and running around the suety sinners along the way. The monster crashed through them, tossing them aside and howling all the while.
I dashed to the door and hauled it open. I pulled it shut just as the pitiless pooch slammed into it.
“Whew.” I leaned against the door for a minute to catch my breath. “Fat lady almost sang for me...”
Friday, October 20, 2006
Once More Unto the Summer of Compliments
Today I finished my version of the Complimenting Commenter's Summer of Compliments.
The goal of this was to compliment 100 people over the summer and now that I have completed it, I wanted to share a few thoughts that I thought along that way.
I wanted to concentrate most of the compliments on my blog friends (or as I like to call them my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators) but I also wanted to get many of the real world people out there that I have contact with.
I complimented a few minor celebrities along the way, mostly Internet columnists from places that I like to go to. I also complimented a few newspaper columnists, most notably Quick Takes from the Chicago Sun Times. He, in turn, published it in his column on a Sunday. Honestly, I was hoping he would do that, but I would have been OK with it if he didn't. Another Sun Times columnist who I sent a compliment to was Robert Feder who writes a great column about local (and sometimes national) radio and media. He emailed me back that night and said "Thanks. Who are you?" I thought that was funny and I replied with more background on myself, including my interests in radio.
Here is my list of complimentees:
1. Complimenting Commenter (I figure since it's his idea, he gets one first)
2. My wife Patricia
3. My daughter Kiera
4. My dog Shamrock (I can compliment my dog, right?)
5. Fluke Starbucker
6. Master Yoda
7. Captain Picard
8. General Grievous
9. Movie critic Peter Sobczynski
10. Professor Xavier
11. JawaJuice
12. Local henchman
13. Lt. Commander Oneida
14. Simon
15. Carmi
16. Padme
17. Novi
18. Michele Agnew
19. Army of Clone
20. Local Henchman
21. Captain Typho
22. Qui-Gon Jinn
23. Wedge Antillies
24. Sun Times columnist Zay Smith
25. Erifia Apoc
26. Yo También Te Mando Besos
27. Anthony at Carmax
28. Chris Ryall from Comics101.
29. Scott Tipton from Comics101.
30. Scott Bowden from Comics101.
31. Joshua Jabcuga from Comics101.
32. Mark Engblom from Comics101.
33. My sister Laurie.
34. Jango Fett
35. Gaia
36. Dan Savage
37. The clerk from Petsmart.
38. Gyrobo
39. Karnov
40. Captain Koma
41. The Martian Manhunter
42. Phoenix
43. Useless Advice from Useless Men
44. Flying Booger
45. Question of the Day
46. Vegeta
47. Jaina Solo
48. Gregg Easterbrook
49. Dave's Longbox
50. My mom.
51. E) None of The Above
52. Barriss Offee
53. My friend Jim
54. Lori's World
55. Senor Cheeseburger
56. Dark Jedi Kriss
57. Deadpool
58. My friend Dennis
59. Lady, that's my skull
60. j00{z
61. My friend Dave
62. My friend Lance.
63. JabaFatboy
64. Aayla Secura
65. Aayla Secura
66. Chancelor Palpatine
67. Anakin Skywalker
68. NandeHi
69. Blockade Boy
70. Fred the Fox
71. Military Jake
72. Noel
73. Dance of the Puppets
74. Cardbored knight
75. Spider-Man
76. My sister Nancy
77. Larry Mayer
78. Richard Roeper
79. Robert Feder
80. Epsilon 775
81. Iceman
82. Beast
83. Dr. Doom
84. The Incredible Hulk
85. Emma Frost
86. Tech Tips
87. Jerry Markbreit
88. The Absorbascon
89. Jonathon Brandmeier
90. I Watch Stuff
91. The Superficial
92. The O'Ciardha Clan
93. Jinx Miakoda
94. Mike Mulligan
95. My brother-in-law Paul
96. Phobia
97. David Haugh
98. Roger Ebert
99. Kristi Roth
100. My dad
For 99, I wanted to express my thanks to Kristi for hanging out at my site like she does. Kristi has a website somewhere, I remember seeing it, but I don't know where it is. It also didn't have a place to leave comments, so I'll have to do it here. Kristi, I really appreciate your visits and I would love to return the favor.
For 100, I don't want to get maudlin but my father hasn't been around since my sophomore year in high school. Still, I learned right from wrong and developed my sense of humor because of him and I will always appreciate that. I feel that he is watching and I hope that he's proud of me.
My last few thoughts are these, at first it was pretty easy handing out these compliments to everyone, there was a bit of a stretch about 2/3's of the way through where I slowed down quite a bit, but I also complimented several people a day in a few instances. On one hand, giving out 100 compliments seems a little tough, but when you think about all of the people that you come in contact with, you could give a sincere thanks to that many people easily.
You can give it (compliments) to your family, friends, coworkers, clerks at stores, the waiters and waitresses, the policeman on the street, the mailman, and anybody else who you might encounter during your normal day. There are actually plenty of people who I missed who deserve compliments such as my neighbors, most of my in-laws, and people who I work with. I am grateful for them all, though I didn’t express it here.
Will I do it again next year? Maybe. Will you do it next year? I hope so.
Thank you.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
The Second Level of Hell
I heaved open the heavy door leading to the Second Circle of Hell and immediately, my ears were assailed by roaring winds. Just before I stepped into the level, Virgil (the poet, not the other ones mentioned previously) appeared next to me.
“Kind of windy here, huh?” I yelled above the howl.
“This is the level where those who are overcome by lust are punished,” Virgil yelled back to me. “The wanton, the libidinous, the lecherous, lewd, debauched, the oscene—”
“Yeah, I might like this level,” I interrupted him. “If it weren’t for all the wind, you know.”
“Those punished here are forever damned to blow about in this storm without hope for reprieve,” Virgil replied.
I looked around at the souls being blown about.
“Hey, I think I recognize some of these guys!” I yelled. “Isn’t that—”
“Yes, that is,” Virgil nodded.
“And isn’t that…”
“Yes, that is her,” the dead poet affirmed.
“Yeah, I knew it!” I looked around some more. “So how do I get through?”
“You must simply make your way to the other side,” Virgil pointed across the expanse.
“And you’ll meet me there?” I asked.
“Of course,” he replied.
“Of course,” I repeated.
Souls howled as they rushed past me, but they did not grab me or hit me.
“You guys look great,” I said. “I mean that.”
I almost had the door within reach when a gust threw me back and off my feet. I clutched the ground as the wind howled louder and blew stronger still.
“What a way to go,” I muttered to myself.
Holding tight with my right arm, I threw my left towards the door and fired the harpoon from my Wristomm at the door. It stuck fast and I wound myself towards the portal. Reaching it, I threw it open and heaved myself inside. It was another staircase winding down, of course. I looked back at all the souls flailing about in the winds.
“See you all later,” I called out to them, then to myself I added “Actually, I hope not…”
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Hell is for Flashbacks
I was descending the staircase into Level Two and I let my mind wander to a time shortly after I saved Queen Galacta from some space zombies and she was going to award me for it. Now as I am sure all of you know, I don’t do this for the reward, but when the Queen of the Galaxy wants to award you something, you go accept it.
I was at her court on Throneworld and I was dressed for the occasion. I thought that I looked pretty dashing in my distinctive Blockade Boy-created uniform. I had my helmet, too, because it’s cold in space, you know.
A big thanks to Blockade Boy for the fabulous uniform.“…For your continued service to the Throne and the Galaxy,” Queen Galacta announced. “It is my distinguished honor to present you with the Galactic Medal of Honor.”
The members of the court and the diplomats present all clapped politely. News teams were there from Galactic Network News and G-Span, so I thought that was pretty cool. I was on bended knee for the honor as I expected a medal to be placed around my neck or something. When that didn’t happen, I stole a glance up and saw the Queen holding something in her hand.A chocolate Queen figure? I certainly didn’t expect that. She just stood there smiling and holding it towards me, so I kind of shrugged to myself and reached up for the confection. When I grabbed it, the applause reached a crescendo and some people cheered.
“Thank you, Gladiator,” she said as I looked at my new treat. “You are a credit to Queen and Galaxy.”
“Thank you, Your Majesty,” I returned. “It is an honor.”
Later, as the guests were enjoying drinks, I saw Major Rocksun looking at me from a corner of the room. He strode up to me smoothly and with precision.Rocksun is the Queen’s official bodyguard and military liaison. As far as I can tell, this guy is always on duty and is always on. He takes his job seriously and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him smile. He’s certainly earned my respect and admiration, despite the fact that I don’t believe we’ve said more than a few words to each other.
“Congratulations,” Rocksun nodded towards the chocolated award. “Getting that is quite and honor.”
“Thanks,” I grinned just a bit. His words mean a lot to me.
“I’ve never been awarded one of those,” he stated flatly.
“Yeah, well, maybe someday,” I said to him. “You certainly do enough around here to deserve it.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” he answered. “Still… What are you going to do with the award?”
“I’m not sure,” I replied. “It looks delicious but I’ve never been awarded anything like this before. What’s the normal custom for something like this?”
“Well, you can eat it right away,” he shrugged slightly. “Though it is a lot of chocolate. Or you can save it in a cold storage device. You can eat part of it, too, or you could… give some of it to a buddy.”
“OK. I’ll think about what I want to do with it.”
“Come on,” he leaned forward. “Just give me a taste. I want to try some of that chocolate Queen.”
“No way, man,” I held my prize away from him.
Yeah, that was a fun day, I thought as I moved down the long staircase. The winding steps soon gave way to a short landing and a heavy wooden door.
“Looks like I’m at Level Two,” I said to myself.
Monday, October 16, 2006
Minos... The Freshmaker!
I entered the castle and saw Minos sitting on a great throne. Behind him were several doors in numbered sequence. I watched as the king was delivering judgment to a new arrival.
The man stood at rigid attention. Tense seconds ticked by when suddenly he threw his right arm out in a salute.
“All hail mighty Cobra!” the trooper yelled.
A tail snapped out from behind the ancient king. It whipped out and wrapped around the man seven times.
“Amazing…” I said in wonder.
“That this man is responsible for delivering out punishments?” Virgil asked.
“No, that a Cobra Viper actually died,” I answered. “Don’t they all just jump out of the tank right before it explodes or parachute out of the helicopter in the nick of time?”
“Not all the time, one could imagine,” Virgil answered. “You must get past Minos to Level Two.”
“What about Level One?” I asked.
“This is Level One,” the poet gestured broadly. “This Limbo, oblivion, the Isle of Nothingness, nowhere –”
“OK, I get it,” I said. “You coming with?”
“I will meet you there,” he nodded, then pointed towards the door marked Level II.
“Great,” I muttered. “Well, I’ll see you on the other side.”
I walked along the wall towards the door. I had no doubt that I would be noticed, but maybe I could get close enough before Minos detected me to make a dash for the door. I certainly didn’t want to meet the business end of that tail.
“Who is there?” the ancient ruler bellowed. “Show yourself!”
“I am here.” I stepped forward. He found me, time for plan B, or is it C?
“You do not belong here!” Minos announced harshly.
“Because I am so righteous?” I beamed.
“No because you are still among the living, fool!” he howled. “Turn back now and save yourself.”
“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Stingeree,” I said. “I have to get in there to save someone.”
The tail slid out and hovered between the doors and me.
“Minos, the Tail of Fate,” I chuckled.
“You shall not pass.” He said coldly.
“So you used to rule Crete, huh?” I asked.
“Not that I see any point to this, but yes,” he answered.
“But you’re not there anymore,” I pressed.
“Obviously not, mortal,” he rumbled. “What sort of foolishness is this?”
“If you’re not there, then you must be an Ex-Cretian!” I laughed. “Get it?”
Minos howled and swung his tail at me. I did a sweet combat roll, dodging the attack. I popped to my feet and rushed to Door II.
“Let’s see what’s behind Door Number Two!” I threw it open and dove in. Minos continued to howl so I popped just my head out. “Thanks for the fun, fella,” I saluted then ducked back in. The door shuddered as the tail struck it with a resounding thud.
I was at the top of a long staircase the descended into darkness. I took several steps down and it didn’t seem like I was any closer so I looked back up at the door. It was there alright.
“Why did I have to go through Two?” I thought out loud. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just go through Nine to get to the end?”
I took a couple steps back up towards the castle, but the door didn’t move any closer to me. I took two more steps up and it again remained stuck the same distance away. I took two steps back and the door retreated two steps.
“Trippy,” I said to myself.
I took two more steps up, then several steps back, then several steps up. Each time I moved away from the door the door appeared further away, but each time I stepped closer the door did not move any closer.
“Looks like this staircase is one way only,” I said and continued down towards Level II.
Friday, October 13, 2006
The First Circle
Virgil (the ancient Greek poet, not the crappy wrestler, the old west gunman, or the astronaut) and I walked through the cave and into the depths of the underworld. We soon leveled off and were heading towards something I didn’t quite expect.
“So this is hell, huh?” I asked while surveying the sight. “Looks more like wine country.”
“This is not hell, my friend,” Virgil replied. “This is limbo, or perhaps you would call it purgatory.”
“I never really believed purgatory existed,” I contemplated. “Didn’t one of the popes say that there wasn’t one?”
“Come on Jon, just because one mortal says something doesn’t exist, that doesn’t make all of this disappear.” Virgil gestured towards across the fields and towards the villa.
“Right,” I said. “So where do we go from here?”
“We must travel through limbo to the other side,” the dead poet answered. “There we gain entrance into the first level of hell.”
“So how many levels are there?”
“There are nine,” he nodded.
“OK, I see where this is going,” I answered. “Anyone here going to give us a hand?”
“I am afraid not,” he replied. “And I must warn you not to interact with the denizens of this place. Their penalty is the loss of Hope and it is a strong punishment indeed. Coming close to them would certainly poison your spirit, something that needs to remain strong on this journey.”
We passed through the villa and I saw many figures of history as well as people who seemed or almost seemed familiar to me. They all appeared fine, save for their obvious looks of disappointment. They walked around, talked to each other, and went on their lives coasting on automatic. They had no dreams, no love, and nothing to yearn for.
“We shall journey this way,” Virgil lead me to the end of the road. I looked up and all I could see was wall.
“Up the wall?” I asked. “That’s pretty far.”
“Of course it is,” he affirmed. “At the crest, you will encounter the Palace of Minos and the Seven Gates. You must make your way up this wall and past Minos.”
I shrugged and started climbing. It was easy at first, as rock and brick jutted out for me to gain hand and foothold. As I climbed further, exhaustion took hold of me; the climb became more and more tiring. At the start of my climb, I dared not look down. As I grew weary though, I first stole a glance, then I looked more. The distance seemed so great that I could not even see the ground. As my muscles ached, I thought that one slip and my journey would surely be over.
I felt for a crevice to gain hold and hoist myself higher but then my arm gave out. I nearly fell, but I was able to hold tight with my other arm. An unnatural despair began to fill me.
“You are almost there,” Virgil urged. “Just a bit further.”
Heaving, I crawled over to the top of the wall and hauled myself onto it. I rolled away from the edge and laid there for several minutes to catch my breath.
“There, that wasn’t too bad was it?” I heard Virgil’s voice above me. “Are you ready to continue your journey?”
“Yeah… just give me a minute here…” I then sat up and looked at him. “Wait a minute… You didn’t climb the wall. How did you get here?”
“I am a poet,” he answered. “I did it poetically.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” I said to him.
“I am not of your realm now,” he continued. “I am not subject to the same physical laws that bind you.”
“So I’m going to have to work my way through all these levels and you’re just coming along for the ride?”
“Essentially, yes,” he responded.
“Great.”
