Flashbacks

With an electronic whine, the jump engines engaged. For just a moment, even though I felt like my back was leaning against the seat, my stomach was in the far wall, my teeth were in the wall in front of me, and my ankles were somewhere back on Hacknor. Reality turned red, then snapped back into place and I looked around. Everyone was gasping and looking around surprised themselves. I looked at Jan and she said "That was not supposed to happen." "Tell me about it," I said back to her. We both got up and looked up and down the aisles, everyone looked agitated but OK. "The cockpit," Jan looked at me. "We have to check out the crew." We made our way to the front when I stopped and looked at the artist on the deck. He had a quarter-sized hole in his chest and he wasn't moving. Jan saw him, too. "He's not breathing!" Jan said with her ear against his chest. "He's dead." "Looks like Lucky Pierre isn't so lucky," I said grimly.

I reached to a pressure point on Gollux and activated a hidden release. The suit began to peel away, revealing the obnoxious artist within it. "Now the fact that you killed a clone of yourself isn't that bad," I said with half a grin. "In fact, I'm sure the courts would be quite happy that you are responsible for keeping two of you from running around loose. The ship's crew phased into the wall, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter. Pierre leapt up, brandishing a pistol from a hidden pocket. "very clever of you, you unevolved cretin. I'm afraid, however, that when this ship exits hyperspace, I'll just be on my way, then. You see, this pistol fires the same molecular acid-filled projectiles that the probe did. I am going to be the only person walking out of here alive, if neccesery." "You're forgetting one thing, though, Pierre," I said. "Oh, and what's that?" he sneered. "You're not wearing the Bioarmor." With a sonic blast, Pierre crumpled to the ground. I shot him twice more just to be sure. "Unbelievable," Jan shook her head in amazement. "Rather," agreed Jeeves. "You sir, are a master detective, indeed." "Yeah, you may be right," I said. "I'm kind of like Matt Houston, Sherlock Holmes, and Jaques Clouseau all rolled into one." "Who, who, and who?" asked Jan. "Forget it," I said as the ship decanted out of hyperspace, entering the Orion system.

"You can take that contract and stick it, Sinooze-You-Lose," I said back to him. "I'm heading to my ship to play Halo." "If you don't get back here this instant," Sinew Nu blustered. "You can consider yourself permanently suspended!" "You're not the boss of me," I snapped back at him. "Jeez, you're just like my old man! I don't need you, I don't need anybody!" "Why! Why! Why!" Sinew Nu was at a loss for words. "Ha ha, if you're face was any redder, I could take it home and use it as a stop sign, although stop signs usually aren't square." "Look," he tried to reason, but I wasn't gonna listen. Stupid adults always talking. "I'll let you go take a break. You know, ah-a vacation or something. We'll write it into the storyline or something, but you're too valuable of an asset to let us lose you." "Blah blah blah," I mimicked. "You're just like everybody else. You don't care about me, you just care about makin' money. Forget it, I'm goin' cruising down at the DQ. Later, jerkstore." "Jon..." Sinew Nu's mouth hung open. He didn't know what to say, but then he composed himself. "I told you, if you don't come back, you're suspended. I'm serious!" I headed for the door, then I turned back and flipped him the bird from both hands. Ha ha, that'll show him. I also gave him my best punk rock sneer ever. It was a sneer that would make Johnny Lydon proud, if he weren't a lame old man, too.

"You think you can destroy me?" he roared. "I am not so easily defeated, asphinctersayswhat." "What?" came Garth Vader's (the one in the cowboy hat) reply. "Exactly!" Garth Vader (the first one) sneered with a goofy, but evil grin. He then pulled out a pair of drumsticks and started playing the extended drum solo from Inna Gadda Davida on the wreckage of the GNAT device. The sonic vibrations from the beats and fills caused the other Garth Vader to take a step back and hold up his arm in an attempt to deflect the onslaught. "Wait," said Garth Vader (the second one). "There's something I must say." "What is it?" asked the metalhead version of Garth Vader. "I just wanted to say that I quit the business," he announced. "I feel that my talents and efforts are not appreciated, therefore I feel it is my time to retire from the evil conquering the galaxy business." "Uh, OK," the other Garth Vader looked around slightly confused. "Good." "Oh and one more thing," the Stetson-clad Garth Vader continued. "I would like to announce my return to the evil conquering the galaxy business." "Huh?" asked the first Garth Vader. Jan and I looked at each other and shrugged. "Oh, I have another announcement to make," Garth Vader (the country music superstar version) announced. "I would like to say that I am now retiring because I feel that my talents are not appreciated. Now I would like to announce that I am un-retiring. Now I wish to retire to spend time with my family. Now I am un-retiring again. Hey look! Now I'm Chris Gaines! Now I'm Garth Vader again. Now I wish to retire to spend time with my family. Ooops, I just got divorced, guess I'll un-retire again. Well, it's been a long road, but now I have to say that I now wish to retire. Nope, I'm back." "Wait, are you retired or not?" asked Garth Vader (the other one). "I'm so confused!" The Garth Vader in the cowboy hat ignited his lightsaber and stepped forward. "Don't make me destroy you. We could rule this galaxy together as villain and sidekick!" "OK, I guess I'll join up with you. NOT!" The Garth Vader with the glasses ignited his own lightsaber. The two charged each other, blades flashing and crashing against each other. Jan and I slipped out of the room and headed down the corridor.

How to speak Chicago.

For some reason, it seems like the movie purposefully left 15 minutes of blank space right there so the monkeyboys can all get in their own catchphrases. Accordingly, the audience of monkeyboys crescendos into a loud roar. I can see non-sidekick audience members glaring back and forth at each other. The monkeyboys are having a lot of fun, but everyone else seems awfully disgusted. The movie continues and I look over at Sinew Nu, he is smiling at the whole proceedings, no doubt dreaming of ways to spend all of the money he is going to earn with this venture. I swear, if it were possible, there would be dollar signs popping up in front of his eyes right now. I see two tourists finally get up in a huff. They storm past me and the woman looks at me crossly. “We’re here on vacation and we just wanted to see a movie,” she yelled at me. “This is horrible!” “I hope you go to Hel!” the man growls as they stomp off. “Did you hear that?” I asked Sinew Nu. “What? No, I was watching the movie,” he answered. “Oh this is going to be the blockbuster event of the summer!”

Seperated at Birth!

Love is drugs?

“You wanna be a cowboy, you need a hat, rawhide,” Hawks replied. “That sun’s really bright out there and they’re gonna use that to their advantage.” “OK,” I answered. “I need a hat. How’s this?” “A baseball cap? I admire you rootin’ fer your favorite team, but that just don’t fit around here.” “What about this?” “I’m not even sure what that’s fer either, son,” he answered. “You stormin’ the breeches or something?” “What about this?” “Yer gonna be too hot in that thing,” he chuckled. “OK, what about this?” “That thing is ridiculous! Why would you even want to wear something like that? I told you, you need a cowboy hat.” “All right then, how about this?” “What thar heck is that? That thing is even worse! Don’t ever let me see you wear that again!” “That’s all I got,” I shrugged. “I don’t have anything else.” “All right, all right, ya dang greenhorn.” Hawks pulled off his hat and placed it on my head. “Just take mine.” I pulled the hat off and looked at the sweatband. It was stained brown with sweat and dirt. “That’s from ridin’ hard and livin’ hard, pard,” he laughed. “No matter how hard you try, they don’t come clean.” I shrugged and unbolted the door.

“Could you tell us more about your relationship with Clark Kent?” another reporter asked. “What do you mean, relationship?” Superman asked. “You know,” the reporter continued. “You and Kent seem to be pretty close. A little too close if you ask me.” “I… I’m uh, not sure where you are going with this.” Superman looked a little uncomfortable at the question. “You know, Superman,” the reporter pushed. “The fact that Kent always gets the scoops on you, the fact that you’ve been seen flying out of his luxurious metropolitan high rise, the fact that you both hang out with all the same people. Face it Superman, you and Kent are a lot closer than just casual acquaintances.” “I, er, uh, am not exactly sure what you’re trying to say here,” Superman stammered. “Come on, fess up, Superman,” the reporter pressed. “You and Kent are an item, aren’t you?” “What?” “It all makes sense,” the reporter continued. “You’re good looking and in shape, wearing those tight and colorful clothes all around town. Kent’s from a small, conservative town in the Midwest, a place where he didn’t really fit in. It makes sense, you’re a couple.” “Ah, well let me assure you that Clark Kent and I are very close,” Superman chuckled. “But not that close. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… Kent and I have a good friendship and I do give him a few exclusives here and there for the Daily Planet, but that’s as far as that goes. In fact, Clark is married to Lois Lane—” “So how come you’re always flying her around town, then?” the reporter followed up. “Well, as an investigative reporter, she does get herself in a lot of trouble,” Superman answered. “Next question.” “Who’d win in a fight,” a reporter asked. “You or Captain Marvel?”

“You don't have any goldfish,” Professor Xavier said to me. “No,” I replied. “They keep dying on me.” “And you just sent off that monkeyboy like that.” “On a fool’s errand,” I chuckled. “Who better to send? Besides, do you really want a monkeyboy here with us?” “No!” Xavier quickly replied. “No thank you. I do believe that this mission would continue nicely without him.” “My gear is stowed, thank you,” Professor S’Magmier stepped into the cockpit. “Now if you two are finished picking mites out of each other’s body hair, I am ready to go.” “You know, Smeggy, I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of this in front of the Queen but you’re really beginning to get on my nerves. You’re gonna have to zip it on this flight or else I might have to make you feel bad with some real harsh words.” “Spoken like the backwards species that you are,” S’Magmier snapped back. “It is my job to make contact with the leviathan, yours is to just get me there. Perhaps if you could get those thumbs of yours to work, you could paw that control panel well enough to get us to our destination.” “OK, that’s it,” I leaped up from my seat and grabbed his arm. “I’m going to show you what an unevolved person like myself is capable of.” “Oh my--! Don’t kill me!” he wailed. “Don’t kill me!” “We don’t really need him, do we Professor?” “I would say the ride would be much more pleasant without him as well,” Xavier answered. “Although I might add that--” “OK, cool!” I maneuvered the groveling scientist to the hatch. “You’re not coming, Smeggy. We’ll see you later.” “But what about... Ahhh! No!” I popped the door open and pushed him through it. “Don’t worry, it’s just a small drop!” I yelled to him. “I’m sure an advanced species such as you can survive it.”

The Nazis give chase and a dogfight ensues. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will live and who will die? We don't know. In the cockpit, the angelic voiced dogface sings into her microphone. Who could be listening? Could it be to the young, good looking radio operator? It just might be. Meanwhile on the tabletop, the figures representing the German planes in the air are swept away. The commander is so disgusted that he accidentally hits his subordinate, the pulchritudinous radio operator.

"Private Hudson is always ready for action," I announced. "He's got his armor and his helmet, everything he's wearing is very functional, but what could he add for just a touch of pizzazz?" "That's right, a cape. It's fabulous!" "Here's the hero to the common beings of the galaxy and Intergalactic Gladiator, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. He's sporting a unique Wristcomm, two blaster pistols and with his comfortable but functional outfit, he's ready for action."

Hudson: My Date With a Hottie!

If on fire, take off your pants and roll around, the icy snow will cool your dermis in all needed areas.

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.” I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner. “Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!” Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter. “HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!” “You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him. “AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.” I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm. “STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.” I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

Suddenly, I snapped awake. The images of my flashbacks faded like wisps of smoke. I looked around but could not tell where I was at all. It felt like a freight train just got done fighting an M1 battle tank in my head.

“Relax, Jon,” a sweet voice wafted through my ears. “You are fine now.”

It was Gaia. I was laying in a bed or something and she was standing next to me. I could see in the corner Cyclops and Hudson looking over and grinning at me.

“We totally saved you,” said Hudson.

“It was awesome,” said Cyclops.

“We’re like a team or something,” said Hudson. “We totally work great together.”

“Yeah!” agreed Cyclops. “We should team up and I know what we can call it! X2!”

“X2?” asked Hudson. “Why X2?”

“Because there’s two of us,” Cyclops explained.

“I got a better name,” Hudson said. “Hudson’s Heroes!”

“Wait, I got a better name than that!” Cyclops exclaimed. “Wyld Stallions!”

“Excellent!” Hudson yelled.

“We’re the Wyld Stallions and we’re gonna kick your butt!” they yelled together. Then they played air guitars for each other. “Yeah! Game over, man!”

“That’s really nice,” I said. “But what am I doing here? What happened to Onslaught?”

“Onslaught attacked you,” Gaia replied. “But it was more mental than anything else. He was destroying you in your mind.”

“Uh huh…”

“Because when you destroy the mind, it will destroy the body.”

“Sure felt like he was destroying the body, I tell you,” I said. “So then why was I flashing back to the past few months?”

“I was healing your mind,” she answered. “We were working on the last few months, making sure that everything was OK in there.” She grinned and pointed to my head.

“So then why did I have memories of Hudson and Queen Galacta?”

“Ah, well, that’s just the way it works,” she shrugged. I didn’t exactly buy that, though.

“So now what?” I asked.

“We’re marshalling together to stop him now,” she answered. “Fighting someone as formidable as Onslaught takes a lot of planning.”

“Well count me in,” I punched the palm of my hand with my fist. “Payback’s a bitch and it’s hot in the city!”

Gaia looked at me with a puzzled look on her face, then she must have decided not to ask.

“One more thing, Jon.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Happy 300th post.”

The cellular phone on my Wristcomm rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jon, it’s Cyclops. How are you doing?”

“I am well, and you?”

“Uh, well not too good. Onslaught’s on the loose and coming after you.”

“Onslaught? What’s an Onslaught?”

“Ah, Onslaught’s a physical manifestation of Professor Xavier and Magneto’s power. Basically, the Professor turned into Onslaught right after you two came back from your mission in space.”

“Professor X turned into Onslaught? What caused it?”

“Well, uh… you see his girlfriend Magdalena ran off with Henchman while he was gone.”

“Magdalena? Why that saucy wench.”

“Yeah tell me about it. So the Professor turned into Onslaught, except he’s not really the Professor in there, except he is and has all of Xavier’s powers. Understand?”

“No, not really. What is it with you people and your evil manifestations. Jeez.”

“I dunno, I don’t have one. Onslaught’s really evil, too. He’s so evil that he peed on a seat and didn’t even clean it up!”

“Wow. And he’s coming for me?”

“Uh huh. Be careful, man, he’s got vast mental powers.”

“So you said. It’s OK, I can handle myself.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’ll just have to keep my mind blank.”

“YOU,” came a deep rumbling voice. The giant manifestation of evil was suddenly in front of me. “I WILL DESTROY YOU.”

“Onslaught is it? Nice to meet you,” I extended my hand to shake his.

Onslaught sent me flying through the air. I sailed into a junk yard and crashed onto the roof of a wrecked delivery van.

“Ahhh geez,” I rubbed my back with my arm. “That really frickin’ hurt.”

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.”

I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner.

“Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!”

Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter.

“HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!”

“You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him.

“AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.”

I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm.

“STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.”

I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

“VERY WELL, TRY AGAIN.”

Suddenly, I found myself whole and still on the phone with Cyclops. Onslaught appeared in front of me once more and hurled me into the junk yard.

“WHAT WILL IT BE THIS TIME?” he roared. “DO YOU WANT TO TRY YOUR SONIC WEAPON ONCE MORE?”

“How about this?” I drew both of my pistols this time and fired them directly at his face. This time, the lancing energy was deflected by some sort of barrier.

“YOUR DEATH IS UPON YOU. WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR BEFORE YOU DIE?”

“Anything that’s not coming from your mouth,” I retorted. My pistols exploded again and I flew back through the air and crashed into a pile of 50 gallon drums. Through the haze, I could see a semi trailer hovering over me.

“TOO EASY,” the villain sneered as the trailer dropped on me.

Once again, I found myself on the phone with Cyclops. Once again, Onslaught appeared in front of me.

“Aw crap.”

After crashing onto the van a third time, I tried firing the harpoon from my Wristcomm at him. Laughing all the while, he caught the projectile in midair and spun me around by the attached cable.

I sailed through the junk yard and slammed into a pile of rotting mattresses.

“That… was a pleasant… switch…” I managed to quip.

“GIVE UP NOW, FOOL. EMBRACE YOUR END AND I WILL MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS.”

“I really doubt that,” I scrambled for cover as engine blocks, hub caps, metal poles, and car frames flew at me. “Is this really necessary? Come on, no woman is worth turning all evil and slamming me around like this.”

“THAT LYING HARLOT WILL GET HERS!” my powerful antagonist announced as he hurled more ferrous debris at me. “BUT YOU WILL STILL DIE FIRST!”

The wreckage of a Volkswagen bus slammed into me. I was pinned between it and other pieces of twisted rust. My adversary stalked towards me.

“I GROW TIRED OF THIS GAME,” he announced.

“Imagine… how I feel…” I sputtered.

“VERY WELL,” he raised his hand. “I SHALL END THIS AND YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL.”

I heard shots ring out – shots from a pulse rifle! Rifle rounds as well as a ruby beam slammed into the helmed menace.

“Yeeehaw! Here comes the cavalry!” Private Hudson yelled. “Come get some! Come on! Take that!”

“Game over for you, Onslaught!” Cyclops announced as energy lashed out from his eyes.

Onslaught howled, but before he could counterattack, Cyclops, Hudson, and I disappeared.

“NOOOOOOO!” Onslaught threw his fists into the air and howled again.

Men in underpants and Chewbacca rocks

OK, yesterday I posted an important message intended to warn people about the dangers of too hot hot sauce. In the post, I included a very tasteful image of a woman in her underpants rolling around in snow. I got a positive response from a lot of people about that post (and picture), but I did have one Jr. Intergalactic Gladiator who voiced a concern.


In the comments, Darth Nepharia requested that I include hot guys in their underpants for the female readers. She has a valid point and I agree with it. The Intergalactic Gladiator isn't a sexist, The Intergalactic Gladiator isn't a misogynist, he's all about love.

Therefore, for all my estrogen-rich fans out there (and anyone else who will appreciate this, of course), I present to you hot guys in underpants!












Thank you. Before I go, I'd like to show you one more thing. I didn't realize that Chewie rocked so hard on the drum set. Check this out:



Pretty sweet, huh? I think it's really nice how music can bring together the Empire and the Rebels. We had peace in the Star Wars Galaxy, if for only just a few wonderful minutes.

Wow, too much hot sauce.

Just a general warning to all of you people out there. Eating too much super hot hot sauce sure does sound like fun, but there are consequences.


Yes, thousands of people each year suffer from the ill effects of eating too much hot sauce.



I know you're thinking "I'm just one man or woman (or whatever), what can I do to help?"



It's simple, really. Just stay away from the stuff that will burn your butt. A flaming sphincter is no fun for anyone, especially the person who has it.



If you find yourself in a situation where you did eat too much hot sauce and your butt is on fire, please remain calm and do the following:



Sit on a block of ice right away. If a block of ice is not available, then use snow or very cold water.



If on fire, take off your pants and roll around, the icy snow will cool your dermis in all needed areas.

So remember:

1. Don't eat too much hot sauce with your food.

2. If you do and your pants become engulfed in flames, do not panic; just find a block of ice or some snow to roll around in.

This has been a public service message brought to you by the Not-Hot Foods Alliance and the Bland Corporation. Thank you.

Party at Sky City

Hudson was already on Sky City as he had a date with the lovely and multi-talented Erifia Apoc. Before the date, I made Erifia promise that she wasn’t going to kill the marine. Begrudgingly, she agreed. In my defense, I’m not the one who set up the date, J’onn Sinew Nu thought it up because he was planning on producing a Blind Date-type show. It took all I could do to convince him not to actually film the date with hidden cameras, but he finally conceded after I assured him that I would try to get Queen Galacta to show up at the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment’s next pay per view (order it today! Operators are standing by!).

I was pretty sure that Hudson wasn’t going to get killed, but I also wanted to get to Sky City in case anything bad happened. By pure coincidence, Vampirella was having a little bit of a shindig at Sky City as well. Funny; sometimes the universe just works like that.

I landed the Danger Sled and made my way on board, but before I could get into the main resort area of the ship, I was stopped by the security guards at the entrance.

“Hand over all weapons and prepare to be searched,” said Ike.

“Ngg,” Mike just grunted.

“You got it, Hanzie and Franzie,” I said. I unbuckled my gun belt and handed it over with the two pistols still clipped to their holsters. “Take good care of Betsy and Winona while I’m away, OK?”

Ike took the weapons and Mike grunted again. I started to go through the doors but Ike halted me again.

“All of your weapons,” Ike insisted. Mike grunted a third time.

“What this?” I indicated to my Wristcomm. “This is just my communicator. It’s mostly harmless, really.”

“I don’t think so,” Ike pressed while Mike grunted. “Hand it over.”

“OK guys, I’m with you here.” I unhooked the clasps and handed the comm over. Gosh, I almost feel naked without it.

“Have a nice stay at Sky City,” Ike grunted, Mike grunted as well.

“Thanks Heckle and Jeckle,” I waved after I went through the door. “I’ll see you fellas later.”

They grunted back at me.

I made my way through the corridor until I saw Hudson sitting on a bench. He was trying to look nonchalant, but he was in obvious pain. I don’t believe that the word “nonchalant” is in his dictionary anyway.

“Hudson!” I called out. “How are you doing? How did the date go?”

“Hi Jon,” he answered in sort of a downtrodden way. “The date went really well. We ate, we danced, we had ice cream. It was a really nice date…”

“…Until?”

“Until I accidentally touched one of her… uh… you know…” he started making the universal symbol for a well-developed chest.

“Her breast?”

“Yeah, shhhh. Geez, don’t yell it out already,” he went from glum to extra glum. “I thought it was going so well, too. We were even gonna have a second date. Now the next time she sees me, she’s probably gonna kill me.”

“That’s too bad.” I sat down next to him. “You know, it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway, she’s an angsty Twi’lek Jedi from this galaxy, and you’re a tough-as-nails Colonial Marine from a place far, far away from here.”

“Yeah, I guess,” he moped.

“You know what, there’s a great nightclub here,” I gave him my best roguish grin. “Why don’t we head there and take in a little of the action?”

“OK, that sounds swell.”

Shortly, I was sitting at the bar drinking a Mandalorian Genuine Draft and watching Hudson move in towards one of the patrons at the bar. He said something to her and she replied by splashing her drink right into his face.

“What happened?” I asked after he slinked back to me.

“Aw, I just said ‘Oooh, naughty kitty, wanna come out and play?’ then she did that,” he complained as he wiped his face off with a cocktail napkin.

“That’s funny,” I replied over the dance music. “I would’ve thought that she’d like that line.”

“Yeah, well, she was a little too crazy for me, I think. Did you see the way she twists her back all crooked when she talks?”

“Yeah,” I answered. “Not your type.”

“Nope, definitely not,” he convinced himself, and then stepped out to find another victim.

A few minutes later, he walked back to me rubbing his arm.

“What happened?” I asked.

“She punched me in the arm!” he moaned. “Boy did that smart.”

“You know, if there was one piece of advice that I could give to you, it would be never try to pick up a Klingon,” I said to him. “Not worth your time. Seriously.”

“Boy, you’re tellin’ me.” He walked away towards his next alleged conquest.

Shortly, he came back rubbing a red welt on his face.

“Man, I’m never going near a telepath again… ever!” he said.

“What did you say to her?” I asked.

“Nothing! I didn’t say anything! She just slapped me right in the face!”

“You know, this is starting to get silly,” I stifled a laugh. “You’re having the worst luck tonight.”

“I know,” he answered. “It usually isn’t like this. OK, I see someone who I think I know. I’ll be right back!”

I watched him step towards the dance floor, someone stepped in front of me.

“Vengeance will be mine!” he growled at me. “You plucked out my cybernetic eye, then you plucked it out again!”

“EyeBorg? What the hel are you doing here?” I demanded. “I was just starting to have fun and you have to come by and make me feel all bad and stuff.”

“Oh, I’ll make you feel bad alright!” he answered. “Feel bad with pain!”

“I mean come on, man,” I said. “You came all the way here just to pick a fight with me?”

“That is correct human,” he growled back. “I will end your puny existence once and for all!”

Shortly thereafter, medical personnel dragged away Lord EyeBorg’s unconscious body. I looked at his cybernetic eye skewered on a cocktail toothpick, then looked up at Hudson. He seemed to be limping.

“Man, this is just not my night,” he said. “I know Jamie Sommers from OSI, so I went up and said hi. She then challenged me to an arm wrestling competition and threw me over a table.”

I shook my head and chuckled. “You’re right, Hudson, this just isn’t your night. What’s up with that?”

“I don’t know, I just—” He stopped talking as a bright light snapped in our direction.

“Hey everybody, I got a special surprise for you tonight!” the DJ said gleefully. “We have a real celebrity visiting us tonight!”

Hudson held up his hands. “Oh well I--”

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator everybody!” the DJ announced. “Come on up here, Jon!”

“Oh I don’t want to… OK.” I moved past Hudson, across the dance floor and hopped up onto the small stage next to the DJ.

“What brings you here all the way from Dirt?” he asked.

“Oh, I’m just here for a little party,” I said. “And it’s not ‘Dirt,’ it’s ‘Earth.’”

“That’s great,” smiled the DJ. “Hey do you want to sing for us tonight?”

“No no, I couldn’t,” I shook my head politely.

“Who wants to hear Jon sing?” The crowd cheered wildly.

“OK, OK, ya got me,” I chuckled.

“Two girls for every boy

I bought a ’34 wagon and we call it a woodie
Sky City, here we come
You know, it's not very cherry, it's an oldie but a goodie
Sky City, here we come
Well, it ain't got a backseat or a rear window
But it still gets me where I wanna go

And we're goin' Sky City, 'Cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun
Yeah we're goin' Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun, now

They say they never roll the streets up, ‘cause there's always something goin'
Sky City, here we come
You know, they're either out surfin' or they got a party growin'
Sky City, here we come
Well it's two swingin' honeys for every guy
And all you gotta do is just wink your eye

And we're goin' Sky City, 'Cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun
Yeah we're goin' Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun, now
two girls for every boy

And if my woody breaks down on me somewhere on that Sky Route
Sky City, here we come
I'll strap my board to my back and hitch a ride in my space-suit
Sky City, here we come
And when I get to Sky City, I'll be shootin' the curl
And checkin' out the parties for Sky City girls

And we're goin' to Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' to Sky City, gonna have some fun
Ya, we're goin' to Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
Ya, we're goin' to Sky City, gonna have some fun, now
Two girls for every
Two girls for every boy”

“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, everybody!” the DJ yelled.

“Thank you, thank you. You’re great, I mean it!” I said as everyone applauded me.

I made my way back to the bar where the bartender served me up a fresh beer.

“How could you do that?” Hudson looked at me.

“Oh it was pretty easy, I just substituted the word surf for sky.”

“No, I'm talking about two girls for every boy,” Hudson sniffed.

“Uh, don’t let it bug ya, Hudson,” I answered after a gulp of beer. “You know it’s just a song.”

“Oh thank you for coming,” Vampirella seemed to have appeared from out of nowhere. “I hope you two are having a great time.”

“We sure are!” said Hudson.

“Yeah, it’s been great,” I added. “Thanks for having us.”

“Well that’s really good, boys. I have to be going, there are a lot of guests for me to say hello to,” she smiled. Then she lightly touched Hudson on his chin. “Bill, it was really, really nice to see you again.”

Hudson and I stared at the statuesque vampire as she sexily slinked to the door.

“Uh, Jon, I’ll be back…” Hudson ran towards the door.

Here we go again, I thought.