Monday, March 19, 2007

Of Space Mice and Men, the Conclusion

“I’m gonna eat lots of beans with ketchup,” Hudson said.

Private Hudson was languidly staring out towards the sunset, captured by his dreams of getting off this planet. My pistol Winona was fully charged and pointed at the back of his head. Its selector was switched over to fire. My index finger lightly touched the trigger, preparing to squeeze.

Just days ago, Hudson’s pet space mouse had chewed through the wiring on the power converter for my warp drive then either died from indigestion or from Hudson’s own clumsy hand. After making an emergency landing on this planet, Salinas V, it became clear that our only option to replace the device was to work until we could afford one.

Hudson and I worked at a ranch where the Colonial Marine made quite an impression. First, he became involved in a scuffle with Curly, the Boss’ son. Then he left Curly’s wife in a crumpled heap on the barn floor after some rendezvous. Even now as these thoughts run through my head, a lynch mob assembled by Curly is heading this way to end Hudson’s life in a painful way.

No man should have to die like this.

I could hear their voices approaching. The posse was crashing through the woods, unable to keep quiet as they moved. They would reach the clearing in just a matter of moments. Earlier, I heard the blast of a shotgun as Curly called together the farmhands. I don’t know what other weapons they’re carrying, but I have no doubt that I’m outgunned.

Hudson continued to stare of into the distance. Dreams of Throneworld continued to beckon to him. My finger gently ran up and down the trigger; anticipation was mounting.

The mob suddenly appeared in the clearing, I aimed Winona at the first person and shot a pistol out of his hand, the second person was holding a torch and that also was sent spinning from his grasp. Curly appeared next clutching his shotgun; its barrel crooked in the arm of his damaged hand. His jaw dropped and his eyes popped open in surprise as his weapon was also shot out of his hand. Another pistol was sent flying as well as a pitchfork, another torch, and a shovel. People towards the back of the mob bumped into the people in front of them as everyone stopped and stared.

“We’re leaving,” I said coldly. “Don’t try to stop us.”

“That man attacked my wife!” Curly snarled and pointed at Hudson.

“Look what he did to my hair!” His wife appeared next to him with a venomous look on her face. “And my back is killing me from him pushing me over. My chiropractor Carlos is going to have a field day with me!”

“Wha? But I thought you were dead!” Hudson stood up and stared at her.

“You wish,” she sneered. “And keep your grubby paws off me.”

“Yeah, what are you doing putting your hands all over my wife?” Curly growled.

“Hudson?” I looked over at him.

“What? She came on to me,” Hudson insisted. “I totally told her to back off because I don’t dig skanks.”

“What?” she screamed. “Why you--!”

“Wait wait,” Curly put his hands up. “You came on to him?”

“Oh yeah,” Hudson smirked. “The ladies love the H-Man.”

“You came on to him?” repeated Curly.

“Oh yeah, she was all over me,” Hudson beamed.

“Why you!” Curly tried to lunge at Hudson but Slim and I stepped in.

“Hold on, hold on,” Slim said. “Calm down now, Curly. Fightin’ isn’t going to settle this issue. You know how your wife behaves around the boys.”

“That’s right,” I added. “Hey, who else here has she come on to? Come on, show me your hands.”

Slowly, reluctantly, several hands went into the air.

“She was just coming onto me five minutes ago,” I voice said from the back of the group.

“Jones!” Curly’s wife exclaimed. “Hush!”

“She said she was bored here and wanted to be a movie star,” Hudson added. “She got mad when I said she couldn’t come with us.”

Curly glared at his wife angrily, she smiled and shrugged sheepishly.

“Clearly you two have some issues to work through,” I said.

“You know that marriage counselor just opened an office near the general store,” Slim added. “Maybe you two should go see him on Monday.”

“Awww,” Curly and his wife said together disappointedly.

The crowd dispersed, Hudson and I climbed into the Danger Sled and rocketed into space.

“You didn’t think I hurt her or anything, didja Jon?” Hudson asked from the copilot’s seat.

“I dunno,” I shrugged.

“You know I don’t mess with a married woman, right? If country music has taught me one thing, it’s don’t mess with another man’s woman.”

“I guess you’re right about that,” I chuckled.

“I mean, she was a hot little number, though and a man can dream and all, right?”

“Yeah.” I dialed up the coordinates for our warp jump.

“But it’s just best to stay away. My daddy didn’t raise no idiot.”

“You’re right, Hudson,” I replied. “Though I’m a bit surprised that you take this point of view.”

“A lot about me might surprise some people, but I’m just glad she turned out OK,” Hudson added. “Hey, you weren’t gonna shoot me in the back of the head were you?”

“Well a man can dream and all, right?” I asked then started laughing.

Hudson laughed, then suddenly stopped as the comment dawned on him. He gave me an odd look as the Danger Sled leapt into warp.


Gyrobo said...

Don't forget about how Curly's wife was a soviet spy for 34 years.

Professor Xavier said...

Nothin' likely a skanky ho to help the time pass on a strange planet.

Skywalker said...

Skanky ho.. lol

Vince Briefs said...

Professor , My Dad keeps saying the same thing , I'm getting a little disturbed by it.

Skywalker said...

“I’m gonna eat lots of beans with ketchup"

Ok, I eat some nasty stuff but that is just wrong!

Erifia Apoc said...

Skanky ho... *Giggle*

Hi Jon... I just wanted to thank you for always commenting on my blog. It makes me smile :) Sorry I've been busy and haven't been able to comment as much on yours. :(

Jean-Luc Picard said...

The professor's description made me laugh!

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

It wouldn't be nice to shoot him in the back of the head...


I don't like those two words... They insult me.

Vegeta said...

Vincent : i do not mean your Mother if that is what you are implying boy!

Jon: if it is not 'nice' to shoot him in the back of the head how about the front of it?

cooltopten said...

lmao Skanky ho , I love your desciption :)

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

"My daddy didn’t raise no idiot.”

So Hudson was raised by his mom or his granddad.

Karnov said...

I'm going to love him and squeeze him and call him George.