Friday, December 01, 2006

Old Scratch's Final Argument

With a malevolent grin, the Devil stood up to give his closing argument.

“Of course Hudson’s soul is mine,” he stated. “He wanted to see Vampirella in skimpy attire, he signed the contract, and then he went on a mission with her and got his wish. Whether it was actually underwear or a bathing suit or a leotard doesn’t matter. Hudson got his wish. Sure, I deceived him, that’s my job. I am the Lord of Lies. Hoooo ahhhhhh!

“Let me tell you something about right and wrong,” the Devil continued. “People know right from wrong. People who come to me and sign contracts like this know what they’re doing is not right. They do it anyway. Only an idiot wouldn’t know doing this is wrong.”

“Objection, your honor!” Hudson called out as he stood up.

“Overruled.” Death smacked her gavel.

“I have been doing this for millennia,” Beelzebub added. “People want something, they want something so badly that they can’t stand it and they come to me. They sign their soul away in exchange for what they want, and I give it to them! Want to rule Europe? Sure! Want photographers to follow you everywhere even though you have no discernable talent and you look like an anorexic walking stick? Come to me! Want a television network to bring your show back after it was cancelled even though it’s not that good, and then let you make another show that’s even worse? You got it! But when it’s all said and done, your soul is mine. Mine! Hah!”

“Hudson, do you have an MRE on you?” I whispered to the marine.

“Heck yeah, I always carry one in my cargo pocket just in case.” He pulled out a brown plastic bag featuring the frankfurters entree. “Look, four fingers of death! My favorite!”

“Can I have the accessory packet?” I asked in a hushed tone.

“Sure.” He fished the packet out of the bag. “You need some T.P. too?”

“No,” I answered.

“You want power? Sign here,” Lucifer held up the contract. “You want riches? Sign here! You want to see some chippie dressed like the cheap floozy that she is? Sign here! And he did! That is what Hudson did. He knew what he did wasn’t right, but he did it anyway and now his soul is mine. He forfeited his claim to his own soul when he signed the dotted line! Hah hah!”

I started pulling the contents of the accessory packet out of its plastic bag until I got to the water-resistant matches. As inconspicuously as I could, I slid towards the Devil.

“And you can bring in anybody you want,” Satan continued his rant. “Bring in your psychologists and your circus performers and let them say what you want them to say. They are all wrong, for I did deliver as promised. Hudson did not want to see Vampirella in undergarments. He knew what she wore; he knew what her choice of clothing was. What he wanted was opportunity!”

I pulled a match out of the matchbook.

“He wanted the opportunity to be near Vampirella!” the Lord of Lies yelled. “He wanted to be near her, to smell her, to touch her soft skin. He signed this contract because he wanted opportunity. He knew what he was doing and he did it. He signed the contract, but now it is time to pay the piper and whooolp!”

The contract was on fire! Surprised by the flames, the Devil dropped the paper. It fluttered to the ground and was soon an unrecognizable pile of black ash.

“Aww Hell,” Satan grumbled bitterly. “All my powers are for making fire, not putting out fire.”

“What contract, your honor?” I stood up and shrugged. “I move for dismissal.”

“Granted,” Death ruled and slammed her gavel down. In an explosion of smoke, Death disappeared.

“Jon, you saved my a--!” In a flash, Hudson disappeared as well.

“You!” Satan pointed at me. In a flare of fire and brimstone, he reverted to his demonic form. “You will pay for this, interloper!”

I stared up at his immense, crimson form towering over me.

“You will not meddle in my affairs ever again, fool! I will crush you for what you’ve--!” the alarm on Satan’s watch started beeping. “Ooop, gotta go!”

In another flash of fire and brimstone, Satan disappeared, quickly followed by the courtroom. I was surrounded by nothing.

“Hello? Anybody?”


Karnov said...

Old scratch?

Erifia Apoc said...

Another name for the Satan of Earth.

Jon, Brillant, Simply Brillant. I think you deserve a kiss for that one.


Anonymous said...

I thought you couldnt object to a closing arguement

also that satans contract couldnt be destroy in any way

oh well glad it worked out because he was giving a great statement but then he did put his foot in his mouth

only a fool who do it and not know what he did

your honor if it please the court I call as testimony that Hudson is a fool and ask the judge go on a date and see for her self

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Satan needs up update his record keeping. Having only one copy of a contract it pretty lame. I think I know an IT guy in the Windy city who could put together a good IT department with electronic records. It might help in the future.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Well, Hotstuff, I guess the contract wasn't indestructable after all, huh?

Yeah, and if it were up to that IT guy in Chicago, AOC, I bet he would digitally scan the contracts, then store them on a server. Probably even set up a SQL-based system to retreive and maintain the documents. I'm just guessing, though. Does the Devil have a document server?

Skywalker said...

Never light a fire that you can't put out!

Epsilon 775 said...

Sweet! That was a great line, and I don't think anyone's thought of something like a modern - old - greek religion - biblical awesomeness like that before. Was the last part from Macleish?

turboslut said...

That was a nice move. I am very impressed.

Gyrobo said...

I can't believe it; Family Guy, in league with the forces of evil.

Should've seen it coming years ago, though.

Professor Xavier said...

*claps loudly*

Well done, Jon, bravo!

The next time my Moira wants an upward modification of my alimony payments, I'm calling you.

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