My Final Argument

“Jon, you may begin your closing argument,” Death said to me.

Hudson looked at me with his lonely puppy dog eyes as I stood up. I started thinking about how this will be my last chance to save our souls and that I would have to really impress the judge. What would a really good lawyer do in a situation like this? What lawyers do I even know? What would Perry Mason, Matlock, or Lionel Hutz do?

“Your honor,” I stated. “Clearly the Devil here wants you to think that he is entitled to Hudson’s soul. After all, Hudson did sign a contract and what is a contract? It is an agreement under the law which is unbreakable. Uh…”

OK, I should not evoke Lionel Hutz

“The Devil wants you to think Hudson’s soul is his,” I said. “He has this contract which clearly promises that Hudson would be able to see Vampirella, clad in undergarments, in exchange for his soul.”

Satan leered towards Hudson. Hudson’s forehead grew shiny from sweat.

“Ignoring the fact that the Devil misrepresented himself, did he actually deliver what was in the contract?” I continued. “Clearly not. As pointed out by Vampirella herself, she doesn’t even wear underwear. Her choice of clothing, while it is indeed unconventional, is clearly outerwear.”



Satan continued to direct his evil smirk at Hudson. Hudson gulped audibly. Death shifted slightly in her seat.

“Satan also brought in Sigmund Freud in an attempt to cloud the issue,” I stated. “He tried to blur the line between underwear and outerwear, but it didn’t work. What Vampirella wears is just like a swimsuit or a ballet dancer’s leotard.”

Satan stopped smirking at Hudson and began sneering at me.

“Now we could bring in countless witnesses (which I won’t as I understand your time is very busy, your honor); dancers, psychologists, fashion models, fashion designers, Hollywood costumers, psychiatrists, circus performers, professional wrestlers, right wing conservatives, you name it. We could put anyone we wanted to on that stand,” I indicated to the witness stand. “Every single person would agree that what we said is true because what she is wearing in Exhibits A through D and what she wears in her normal life is her outerwear. A person’s personal like or dislike to the style of the outfit doesn’t matter. Whether or not a normal woman could wear a garment like that doesn’t matter. Why Vampirella only wears this while another vampire might wear a cape and tuxedo does not matter. All that matters is that what she is wearing is truly, honestly, and in all actuality outerwear. Satan did not produce as promised; therefore, Satan’s claim to Hudson’s soul is entirely invalid.”

I let just a bit of a grin cross my face.

“Your honor,” I concluded. “Satan misrepresented himself and still did not deliver as promised. For that I declare that the contract is null and void and I think that you should as well.”

I sat back down at the defense table and Hudson leaned towards me.

“I think you started to stray just a little bit there,” he whispered behind his hand.

“Doesn’t matter,” I replied. “I know what I’m doing.”

“Really?” Hudson looked at me. “You a lawyer all of a sudden? I don’t know if you’ve been keeping score pal, but Satan’s gonna have my soul and it’s gonna be game over and you’re just sitting around talking about leotards and wrestlers!”

“I told you I know what I’m doing. Have I ever let you down before?”

“Oh man...”