Hudson: Hell really isn't a good place to be

We have a saying the Colonial Marines: War is hell. Now I can easily tell you that Hell is hell, too.

Who would have thought that being abducted by the minions of this wretched hellhole and having my soul tortured endlessly would be so bad? It’s awful. Gosh darn awful.

The worst part is that they have me strapped to this wall and they’re playing The Date Movie endlessly. It is torture I tell you, torture most foul! If I see Alyson Hannigan jiggling around in that fat suit one more time, I may have to tear my eyes out with my mother’s broach or something.

What really tops it off is that this big red guy is always standing around me laughing. No, I’m not talking about Santa Claus, I’m talking about Satan himself, the Devil Incarnate, the Great Deciever, The Lord of the Flies, Old Scratch.

“Enjoying your stay, Hudson?” Satan leered at me.

“Yeah, it’s real swell,” I answered. “Say, you don’t suppose that you could turn that movie off for a little while, do you?”

“Oh I don’t think so,” Beelzebub laughed. “You seem quite comfortable where you are right now. You see, when my Army of the Fallen took you from the mortal realm, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator gave chase. He is now heading this way to rescue you. I assure you however, Marine, that he will certainly meet more than he bargained for.”

“Yeah well…” I tried to think of something clever to respond with. “He won’t stop until he rescues me!”

Satan leaned closer, is breath reeked of sulfur. “That’s what I’m counting on,” the Lord of Lies grinned evilly. “What greater prize than the Intergalactic Gladiator’s very soul? That is why I tricked him into coming down here.”

“Yeah, well, we’ve got an old saying in Texas,” I replied bravely. “I think they say it Tennessee… we say it in Texas. ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…. I won’t get fooled again.’”

“What kind of an idiot would say something like that?” Lucifer looked at me with a puzzled look on his confused-looking face.

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” I answered.

There. That’ll show him.