Running with the Devil

I was in a courtroom, sitting with my elbows on a table with only a pitcher of water in front of me. To my right was another table with Lucifer the Lord of Darkness sitting calmly.

“I got you now, fool,” Satan leered at me. “This is the place where I really shine. Hooooo yeahhhh!”

“I think you really missed your calling,” I countered. “You should be a sportscaster on ESPN.”

“All rise,” a bailiff commanded. “Hell’s Court is now in session, the honorable Death presiding.”

The devil leaned over towards me. “The bailiff is a good man,” he whispered. “He can be a bit of a bull sometimes, but I like him. Heh heh.”

“Be seated,” Lady Death banged her gavel as she sat down. The Devil and I sat as well. “What do we have here? Let’s see, it looks like Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator here is challenging Satan’s right to Private Hudson’s soul. I want both parties to know right off the bat that I run a tight courtroom around here, I will not allow any Grisham-esque melodrama or Denny Crane-esque scenery chewing. I am very busy and you are taking time from my schedule when I could be doing my job. Do you understand?”

“Yes, your honor,” The cunning dark lord of the Underworld and I said in unison.

“You may begin,” she nodded to my adversary.

“Your honor,” Lucifer stood up. “My first witness is Private Hudson.”

With a flash and a puff of smoke, Private Hudson appeared at the witness stand.

“Oh man.” Hudson looked around at everything in the courtroom, and then waved kind of sheepishly towards me. “Hey Jon.”

I waved back. “Hey.”

In another puff of smoke, a scroll of paper appeared in the Fallen One’s hand. He unrolled it and showed it to Hudson.

“Hudson, do you know what this is?” the Devil asked.

Hudson looked at the paper. “Yes,” he heaved out a crestfallen sigh.

“Where have you seen this before?”

“When I signed it,” he answered.

“So you did indeed sign this?”

“Yes,” Hudson looked down and picked at something on his fatigue pants. “I did.”

“And so you signed this contract, this legally binding contract, for your soul in exchange for goods rendered?”

“Yes, I did.”

“No further questions, your honor,” the Lord of Lies smugly walked back to his table.

I stood up and looked at the contract. I almost did a double take as I looked at it again.

“Hudson, you signed this?” I asked.

“Yes, yes, I signed it already,” Hudson signed heavily.

“You sold your soul to see Vampirella in her underwear?”

“Well, I didn't know he was the Devil! I thought he was her agent or something!”

Already this is not going very well.