Monday, November 13, 2006

The Ninth Level of Hell

I stood before the Entrance to the Ninth Level of Hell. Guarding it were three giants, and though they hadn’t seen me yet, if I were to attempt to get past them, they surely would.

“Wow, I missed you back on the Eighth Circle,” Virgil the Poet appeared next to me. “How did you get through so quickly?”

“A level full of grafters, thieves, and hypocrites?” I guffawed. “They were no match for me.”

“Instead of spending time at the Seventh Level like I previously mentioned, perhaps you should be in the Second Circle,” Virgil said dryly.

“Second Circle?”

“A little vain about your abilities aren’t we?” Virgil laughed. “I never thought of you as a narcissist.”

“Hey, first love is self love,” I chuckled back at him. “Besides, it’s hard to be humble when you’re great like this.”

Virgil laughed at that. Last month, if you would have told me that I would hanging out in Hell with a Roman poet who died over two thousand years before I born and making him laugh at my goofy jokes, I might have called you crazy. But here I am. Maybe I’m crazy.

Nimrod by Gustave Dore“OK, so what’s the story on these three gentlemen?” I asked, pointing towards the giants standing guard.

“Ah, the giants Ephialtes, Antaeus, and Nimrod,” Virgil replied. “They are --”

“Nimrod?” I interrupted him, sputtering with laughter. “That’s too funny!”

“You would be careful at which you express amusement,” the dead poet replied. “Nimrod was a great hunter.”

“Yeah, I know,” I replied, stifling my last few chuckles. “The name’s just been ruined for me because I’ve watched too much Bugs Bunny in my youth.”

“I see,” he replied. “Do you also realize, however, that there is a Nimrod International Journal of Prose and Poetry as well as a British military plane called a Nimrod?”

“You’re right,” I said stifling just one more guffaw.

“And do not forget that ‘Nimrod’s Son’ is a great song by the Pixies,” he continued.

“OK, OK, I get it. So how do I get past Nimrod?” I asked. I did not chuckle.

“Once again, you must negotiate the journey on your own. I will see you once you get past.”

I looked up at the trio of titans. Clearly, these are the tallest opponents that I have ever faced, and there are three of them. This is going to take all the finesse that I’ve got.

I pulled one of my blaster pistols from its holster and fired it up at one of the giants.

“Ow! Geez, that hurt!” roared the giant. “What was that?”

“I dunno,” said another. “I didn’t see anything.”

The giants looked around for the cause but I had sprinted behind one of them and they couldn’t see me.

I kicked the giant in the ankle then dashed around his heel to his other foot.

“Ow!” The giant looked down but couldn’t see what caused the sharp pain in his joint. I then fired again, this time at the third giant.

“Ow, hey, that stings!” he roared. “What in Goliath’s name was that?”

“There must be a Micronian around here somewhere,” said the first giant. “Ow! He did it again!”

“Hey ugly!” I yelled at the third giant. “I’ve got something for ya!”

The giants looked down at me and I fired right into the eyeball of the third giant.

“Ow! I’ll smash him good!” The third giant tried to flatten me with his colossal foot, but I dove out of the way and he stomped on his comrade’s foot instead.

“Yow! My foot!” He hopped up and down while clutching his stomped-on foot.

“Hey big guy, over here!” I fired again at the third giant.

With a thunderous howl, the giant slammed his fist down upon me.

“Haw haw, now you’re squished!” he vociferated. He then looked at the bottom of his fist but didn’t see anything. “Huh? Where’d you go?”

When he slammed his meaty paw down on me, I rolled away at the last second and quickly scampered up his sleeve to his shoulder.

“Ugly and stupid!” I yelled while firing at the second giant again. “That’s the way I like ‘em!”

“Ow! I’ll smash you!” The giant took a wild swing at me, connecting with his comrade instead. As my ride stumbled back from the blow, I leaped off and landed on the second one. I quickly ran up his arm, firing at the first giant.

“Arrgh! There he is!” the third giant threw himself right at the second giant in an attempt to grab me. They tumbled to the ground with an earth-shaking thud, while I dove off and did an excellent combat roll away from them.

“The bigger they are, the harder they fall, as they say!” I yelled.

“I hate hearing that!” the first giant roared and tried to stomp me.

“Yeah, I guess it is clichéd,” I dodged his attacks while firing up at him. “Perhaps we could discuss this over the big taste of a big cereal.”

The first giant tried to stomp me again, but I ran past the other two who were just starting to clamber to their feet. They all crashed to the ground in a giant (pun intended) heap.

The skyscraper-sized monster on top of the pile looked at me. “Why are you doing this anyway?”

“I gotta get through to the Ninth Circle,” I responded.

“Aw jeez,” he rolled his eyes. “Fine, you may pass. I mean, really.”

“What, that’s it?” I shrugged. “I can just go?”

“Yes, yes, just go,” another of the fallen titans rumbled loudly. “Just get away from us.”

The giants picked themselves up as I made my way towards the barrier.


“Go!” the three shouted back at me.

“Though you would be foolish to do so,” the third one added. “For beyond that barrier, the Lord of the Underworld, the dreaded dark one Lucifer awaits.”


Skywalker said...

Are you sure you want to go in there, bro?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...


Yeah, I guess I gotta do this.

Anonymous said...

so you really going after the Big L huh... hope you brought plenty of ice

Tatooine the Tauntaun said...

Go Uncle Jon! You can beat old ugly Lucifer... Right?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

It sounds like they used to be nightclub bouncers.

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

Jon, it is most imparitive. Remember your lord's prayer, be sure you've got your bullets soaked in holy water, if they are silver its even better.

Satan is an angel before he is a demon. Remember that, and remember salt may work for everyone else, but not for him.

Take my words to heart, gentle Gladiator, and you will prosper from them.

Local Henchmen 432 said...

Go Jon Go.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Only Jon could combine Dante and a Three Stooges routine. :)

I go away a for a little bit and things go literaly to hell, what is up with that?

Darth Nepharia said...

That's it, make yourself enough of a nuicance that they are happy to be rid of you :D

Professor Xavier said...

You're only on the Ninth Level? Aren't there like a 1,000 or something? I think this is going to be a long adventure, Jon. I hope you brought some Pringles with you or something.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Well, I had a Milky Way in my pocket, but now it's all melty.

josh williams said...

Whats the first thing you are going to say to Lucy when you come face to face?

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