Thursday, November 02, 2006

The Sixth Level of Hell

Private Hudson was abducted by the minions of Hell and taken into the depths of the Underworld. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator chases after them to get the marine back. He is aided in his journey by Virgil the poet from ancient Rome. Jon has already negotiated the first Five levels of hell and is about to plunge into the Sixth.

I tore open the doors and looked around. Now this is what I always thought Hell would be like. Flaming tombs, wailing souls, it’s all in here. Thousands of souls angrily shuffled about in the fire here.

“This, the City of Dis, is the level of heresy,” Virgil said to me. “Those who are here are truly doomed, as you can see their pain and suffering. They will try to stop you from crossing their realm.”

“OK, then I need a plan,” I answered. I looked out at the damned denizens and pulled out my pistols.

Time to use one of Private Hudson’s favorite movie lines. No, it isn’t “Game over” or “Game over, man.”

“I am here to kick butt and chew bubble gum and I am all out of gum,” I announce boldly. The heretics stop and look at me. I stare at them. They stare at me.

Suddenly, one of the doomed points at me and screeches, several others do the same and still more rush towards me.

I shoot the nearest one, the bolt explodes at his chest and he crumples to the ground. Everyone stops and looks at their collapsed comrade.

“OK listen up,” I yell out. “I am going to be walking through and anyone who tries to stop me gets a little bit of this!”

I have Betsy pointed towards the crowd, Winona is held up so they can see what took down one of their own. They all stare at the weapon hefted into the air, then they look at me.
Farinata and Cavalcante de' Cavalcanti by Suloni Robertson
“Kill him!” yells one.

“Crush him!” yells another.

“Destroy!” yells a third.

“Brains!” yells one more.

The herd of the hopeless surged forward towards me; in return, I yell and charge them. My guns are blazing as they slash towards me. I fire and fire at everyone in my way and finally elbow my way past the crowd. Now with some space in front of me, I start running, firing back at them the whole way.

Everywhere I turn, more heretics appear in front of me. The cartridges in my blaster pistols are soon bled dry by my constant firing. I pop them out and slide in new ammo carts. Still the heretics surge towards me.

Twisting backwards so I can fire at them, I continue to take down those who chase me. I kind of feel bad for the rabble, they are condemned and yet I have invaded their home. On the other hand, they could have just let me through, right?

I popped another cartridge into Betsy. Winona was getting low and both gun barrels were heating up from the constant firing. The heretics continued to press towards me and I continued to shoot them while running towards to entryway into the next level.

Finally I reached the door and hauled it open. Still taking shots at those closest, I dove in and hauled the heavy wooden portal shut. Whew. Circle Seven, here I come.

My only question though is this: if I shoot someone in Hell and he dies, where does he go?


Jean-Luc Picard said...

There doesn't seem much point in shooting someone if they are already dead.

Local Henchmen 432 said...

They go to the back of the line.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

...Let God sort 'em out.

Kristi said...

hmmm..was wondering the same thing.

*scratches head*


Darth Nepharia said...

I bet they go back topside to try again. I'm not surprised they were stepping in front of your gun barrels....

Professor Xavier said...

I have some bubble gum if you need it.

Vegeta said...

They go to heck Or the DMV one of the two

Erifia Apoc said...

Good Question, when you find the answer, tell me.

SQT said...

I think Vegeta's got it right. It would be worse than Hell to wait at the DMV for all eternity.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Welcome to Hell, please take a number...

Karnov said...

"My only question though is this: if I shoot someone in Hell and he dies, where does he go?"

It's kinda like emptying the recycle bin in windows.

Oh and... Candygram for Mongo!

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