So what is the Major's first name anyway?

We were pressing forward into Zerg territory; Eve was cloaked and scouting ahead, looking for a place to call down the next nuke.

“So why don’t you tell Eve your first name?” I asked Major Rocksun over the radio.

“It’s… personal,” he answered. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oooh, can we guess what it is?” Hudson chimed in.

“No!” Rocksun’s brusque voice cracked through the speakers.

“Hey, is it Adam?” I asked. “That would be cool, you know like ‘Adam and Eve.’ Very Twilight Zone.”

“I think that was in One Step Beyond, wasn’t it?” piped in Hudson.

“No, I’m sure it was Twilight Zone,” I replied.

“Maybe it was The Outer Limits,” Hudson suggested. “Oh man, remember that one Outer Limits where the astronaut is in space all alone and then there’s this alien there and he looks like some dude in a rubber suit?”

“Weren’t all of them like that?” I asked.

“Alright, at ease you two,” Rocksun growled.

“What about Night Gallery?” Hudson asked. “Wasn’t there an episode about an Astronaut named Adam who meets a cavewoman named Eve?”

“I’m not sure,” I answered. “That does sound familiar, but I think that’s from the Twilight Zone.”

Hudson considered it for a minute.

“I think you’re right, Jon.”

“I said knock it off,” Rocksun growled.

“Planet of the Apes had sort of an Adam and Eve thing going on,” I said.

“You Maniacs! You blew it up!” Hudson imitated the final scene from the movie. “Ah, damn you! Damn you all to hell!”

“That’s like Soylent Green!” I exclaimed. “Soylent Green is people! It’s people! Ahhhhh!”

“I said knock it off, you clowns,” Rocksun yelled. “I’ve never seen any of your Earth entertainment, I have no idea what you’re talking about and it all sounds terribly obvious and painfully derivative. We are on the mission of our lives and you two are cracking wise like a couple of stupid monkeyboys!”

“Stupid monkeyboys?” I sniffed. “Wow. You sure do know how to hurt a guy.”

“I’ll tell you what, sir,” Hudson suggested. “You can just let us know your first name and we’ll keep quiet.”

“I’ll tell you what, private,” Rocksun countered. “How about if I shove your head so far up your plagnar that you’ll have no choice but to keep quiet.”

“I promise that I’ll keep it a secret,” Hudson prodded. “I’m good with secrets. I’ve never even told anyone about that secret mission that I led that one time that turned out to be illegal.”

“I said that I’m not going to tell you.”

Hudson was quiet for a moment.

“Is it Adam?”

“No!”