Level VII, Part IV

I was in my ship the Danger Sled in orbit above the Earth. With me, of course, was my new super computer L7.

“So this is your home planet, Jon?” the computer asked in its smooth voice.

“Yep,” I nodded. “This is Earth.”

“Disappointing,” the machine murmured.

“Hey that’s my home you’re talking about,” I replied. “What do you mean ‘disappointing,’ huh?”

“I can see why the rest of the galaxy regards Earth as an un-evolved and unimportant planet,” it responded dryly. “At your current rate of technological development, the citizens of Earth will never venture beyond your solar system.”

“Really,” I answered skeptically.

“In fact, according to my calculations, the human race will destroy itself within 30 years.”

“Thirty years?” Now he’s getting personal. “Are you sure?”

“Indeed,” his soothing voice assured me. “There is a 96.482 percent chance that a human-caused cataclysmic event will occur before your year 2037.”

“According to your calculations?” I snorted. I remain skeptical.

“Interestingly enough,” L7 continued. “Cockroaches stand a 98.399 percent chance of surviving any cataclysmic event generated on the planet. Perhaps cockroaches will be joining the galaxy in a few hundred years.”

“Funny,” I grunted. “So what makes you sure that we’re going to kill ourselves anyway?”

“I have downloaded and analyzed all of the information available on Earth, compiled the data and calculated the results based on Earth’s history and technological trends. I also compared it with several other species in the known galaxy at a similar development level. I’m afraid your species does not have much time left.”

“So you analyzed all all of the information on Earth?”

“Of course,” L7 replied coolly. “Establishing contact with your planet’s computer systems was easy; after all I am a Level VII intelligence.”

“So I’ve heard. So you downloaded everything?”

“Correct.”

“Everything?”

“That is what I said, Jon,” the super computer replied. “I can easily decode the security and encryptions of every system that is powered up.”

“So you’ve got HBO?”

“Yes,” he seemed to sigh. “I am connected to this entertainment service, though I must tell you that my primary duty is not to ‘steal cable.’”

“OK, OK, and you’re connected to the Internet as well?”

“Obviously,” he replied. “What is it with your species’ fascination with that particular female body part?”

“I don’t think I can explain that to you,” I replied. “So are you also connected to all the computers in the world? All the corporations and governments and everything?”

“Yes I am. In fact, I could easily speed up your planet’s destruction by detonating all of your world’s available nuclear weapons. That would be quite a show from up here, wouldn’t you think?”

“Blow up the Earth?” I gasped. “That’s where I keep all of my stuff!”

“Ah yes, I see where you got that line from. Very amusing indeed.”

“I’m serious,” I continued. “You can’t destroy Earth, it wouldn’t be proper. My family’s down there. And what about your First Law?”

The computer was silent for just a moment. “You are right,” he said. “I was experimenting with some of your Earth humor. I see that I have quite a ways to go before I fully… appreciate this form of communication.”

“Alright, so no blowing up my planet,” I insisted. “Right?”

“Of course not, Jon,” he assured me. “I could never do that.”