Monday, September 17, 2007

Man, I had a dream

I was running through a field, because of course these dreams always begin with running through a field when all of a sudden the visage of George Washington appeared before me.

“You cannot be president!” the giant Washington ghost boomed at me.

“Why not?” I asked. “I couldn’t be any worse than what we’ve had the past couple decades.”

“That one joke will carry you only so far,” Washington warned. “I say to thee that thou hast not the Right Stuff to be president.”

“Well, I don’t have an Ivy League education, if that’s what you’re talking about,” I answered. “But neither did many of the great presidents like Lincoln or Jefferson. Wait, The College of William and Mary isn’t Ivy League is it?”

“No, it is not,” Washington’s images shimmered in the light. “But that is not why I am here before you.”

“What is it then, President Washington?” I asked.

“If you think that you can be president, you must first best me in the field of battle!”

“What? Fight you? I can’t do that, you’re George Washington, the father of our country.”

“Then you will perish!” With a snapping sound, Washington roared into the air. His colonial vestments tore off with a thunderous crash and were replaced by, uh, I don’t know, it was lion taming gear or something. The ground shook as his feet crashed back down to it. He looked at me with a glint in his eye and smiled. The smile made a sound something like a blade being unsheathed from a scabbard.

“I said I don’t want to fight you!” I yelled out loudly, but it felt like the wind was rushing past my ears and the first president was quickly in front of me and swinging a colossal roundhouse right.

With a crashing sound resembling that of a mountain being dropped on top of a garbage truck filled with anvils, the man who is honored on quarters and one dollar bills sent me flying with a mighty punch from his meaty fist.

I flew backwards for what seemed to be miles (or at least this version of me did, for this was all a dream – or was it?) until I landed in the National Museum of American History. Washington was quickly on top of me though and sent me hurling through the walls and into an exhibit containing Dorothy’s ruby slippers from the Wizard of Oz.

“If you don’t pay attention to history,” he warned. “You will be his, you will be his, you will be history!”

“Alright, that’s it, old man!” I kicked myself up onto my feet and retaliated with a powerful punch of my own. Washington flew through a wall and crashed into an exhibit featuring the Star Spangled Banner.

“Come one!” he urged with a wicked smile. “Bring it!”

“I like what you’re saying, but you’re a little off -Key,” I said as I smashed him into a sousaphone and bass drum. “Get it? Off-key as in Francis Scott Key, author of the Star Spangled Banner!”

“I like it,” Washington wiped a dab of blood from the corner of his mouth. “But you’re doing too much talking!”

“You’re not going to do much talking when I’m through with you,” I growled as I punched him in the jaw. A wooden tooth flew out.

Washington dove into me and we both flew from that exhibit and into a bookcase filled with dusty texts. Books tumbled from their shelves and crashed on top of me.

“Looks like this beat down is long overdue,” the hero of the revolution said smugly as I lay there covered in books. I didn’t stay there long as I rolled away from Washington’s foot stomping down on me and spun back to my feet again.

“You fight pretty well now,” I said. “Too bad you couldn’t fight this well at the Battle of Brandywine and the British garrison at Germantown.”

Washington howled in rage and sent us both flying once again, this time we landed on a small boat on the icy waters of the Delaware River.

“Perhaps you should take a swim,” Washington growled as he pushed my head down in the water. Icy fingers of cold and pain stabbed at my face, but I managed to reverse our positions with a twist.

“You’re the one who’s all wet,” I said as I tossed him into the water.

All was quiet for what seemed endless minutes. I scanned the surface for any movement or signs of George Washington. I shrugged to myself as I saw none, but my attempted shrug was too soon as an arm snapped out of the water and hauled me in.

I felt myself floating to the bottom with Washington floating serenely in front of me.

“You have done well,” he said. “You are worthy.”

“What?” I yelled back through the water.

“I said you have done well!” he shouted. “You are worthy!”

“I still can’t hear you!” I shouted.

“Oh for crying—Here!” he sighed and then snapped his fingers. In a flash, I found myself in the field where I began at the beginning of my dream. “I said that you are worthy.”

“OK, cool,” I said, breathing heavily from the ordeal. “What am I worthy of?”

“You are worthy of the Strength of Washington,” our first president said and an energy leapt out from him and entered me.

I felt the Strength of Washington surge through my body. At least, my dream body because this is all just a dream, isn’t it?


Tony Stark Iron Man said...

And I recieved from my dream was the libido of JFK! Dang it!

Tony Stark Iron Man said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vella said...

good work Jon. And no you can't have my ring.

Fluke Starbucker said...


I guess I can expect to be smacking down on the likes of Al Gore, or Dan Quayle, or Walter Mondale... or maybe Spiro Agnew.

Bring it on, VeePee-yotches!

Skywalker said...

"just a dream, isn’t it"

Is it?

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Man, where do you get this stuff? And people say I'm nuts! LOL!

Master Yoda said...

Believe this I can not! Just like the dream I had the other night this was!

My favorite phrase this is... "a crashing sound resembling that of a mountain being dropped on top of a garbage truck filled with anvils".

A credit for every time I've ever heard that sound, I wish I had. Rich I would be.

A very funny post this was, Jon.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

This what happens when you binge eat 2 boxes of Dolly Madison furit pies right before dinner.

You don't want to hear a bout th edream I had after eating 27 moon pies.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I wonder if all candidates have to do a bout with Washington?

Anonymous said...

I am sure it could have been worse

Barriss Offee said...

I don't think so Jon, because it sounded more like a nightmare then a dream.

Jawa Juice said...

Man, it’s a good thing he didn’t use that pimp cane on you. You may not have survived.
And what’s with his freakishly huge hands at the end. He can cover his whole head with just one of those things.
Damn, what a dream. Have you been dipping into our secret brownie stash lately?

Ciera said...

duuude...what did you eat b4 you went to bed?!?! At least you won!

Justice said...

WOW now that was a dream...

Anonymous said...

any clue what this power does besides give you big hands

Dr. Zaius said...

Do you know what George Washington would be doing if he were alive today? Gasping for air and clawing at the lid of his coffin, of course.