Monday, September 10, 2007

Atari Games

“OK Jon,” Professor Xavier and I were in a strategy meeting. “Here’s the next step of the campaign.”

“Cool,” I answered. I think my head was still slightly buzzed from the activities of last week. “What is it?”

“What are some of the things that young men really like?” he asked.

“The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition?”

“No,” the Professor answered. “Well, of course they like that, but that’s not the answer I’m looking for.”

“Hmm,” I thought carefully. “Premium cable? Young men like premium cable.”

“Yes, people do like premium cable channels, but again that is not the answer that I am looking for.”

“Dane Cook?”

“No,” Professor Xaiver shook his head. “No, not Dane Cook. The answer of course, is video games.”

“Of course,” I answered.

“In fact, the US Army has had quite a bit of success using their America’s Army game as a recruitment tool,” the powerful telepath added.

“I like Madden,” I said.

“Of course,” my wheelchair-bound companion smiled and nodded. “That’s why I used some of our campaign funds to create some video games as an alternative method of getting your name out.”

“Oh cool, so these games are for the PC?”

“Ah, no.”

“So they’re console games, like for the Sony PlayStation or Nintendo Wii.”

“No, these games are not for those machines, either, I’m afraid.”

“So what are they for?” I asked.

“The Atari 2600,” the founder and leader of the X-Men smiled.

“The 2600?” I couldn’t believe it. “Those things are 30 years old. People aren’t going to want a game designed for a system that old.”

“Ah but you’re wrong there, Jon. The 2600 has nostalgia value. All those miserable Gen Xers will crawl all over themselves to get these games. Plus we can hand out the games to younger children and they will get their parents playing them.”

“I see,” I said. “This does sound like a good idea. So what kind of games did we produce?”

“The first one is titled Citizen Jon,” the Professor checked his notes. “It’s kind of an adventure game where people get to control you running for president. You give speeches, shoot robots and do other campaigning activities.”

“OK, I like that,” I nodded. “There are more?”

“Sure. This game is called Presidential Race. It’s more of a track and field-type sports title. You compete against other characters to win the gold.”

“I like that, too,” I said. “The whole race aspect is carried over into an Olympics kind of thing. Are there any more titles?”

“Yes, there is one more title.” Professor Xavier showed me the box for the third game. “This one is called Spank the Monkeys. It’s kind of like Donkey Kong, I guess.”

I looked at the box for a minute in silence.

“Uh, you do know what spanking the monkey is a euphemism for, don’t you?” I asked.

“Well, I do hear some of my teenage students using the term in my school,” the Professor conceded.

“How can I put this delicately? It’s another word for, uh, pleasuring one’s self.”

“That’s disgusting.” Xavier’s nose wrinkled at the thought. “There’s no place for that kind of stuff in our campaign.”

“See, that’s what I’m thinking,” I agreed.

Scott thought it was a catchy name,” he said. “I don’t think he knew what he was talking about. I really should not listen to him in matters such as these.”

Game cartridges courtesy of Atari Labelmaker


Fluke Starbucker said...

Gee, I'd rather Spank the Monkey than coordinate Citizen Jon speech venues.

But prof is right about the nostalgia vote. I mean, those Atari games have serious value. A three pack of those games might command a whole 23 cents on ebay... assuming gamers familiar with the Atari 2600 can even figure out how to navigate teh intrarnets.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Ahh the nostalgia value of Atari 2600's. I remember playing Spank The Monkey in my youth. Many a Friday and Saturday night were spent palying that game.

I used to play for hours, but my parents made me stop when I started getting carple-tunnel and "spanker's Elbow"

Good times...good times.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

You may have hit upon a best seller there!

Flik Sivrak said...

That brings back memories...

Black Widow said...

Scott knows

he knows

Jawa Juice said...

Fez wearing monkeys in speedos….
You’ve ruined another great past time for me.

Professor Xavier said...

See, the thing you have to realize Jon is that young people don't vote. There's no point in going for the under 30 vote. The people over 30, they vote and they are the ones who know all about Atari. That's what makes my plan so perfect. Except for the Spanking the Monkey part, of course.

Vegeta said...

Now All Vincent does is play Spank the monkey. Thanks thanks a lot.

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Spank the Monkey...

Skywalker said...

"spanker's Elbow"? HA!

Anonymous said...

Shakes his head....

Dr. Zaius said...

"Spank the Monkey" indeed! Professor Xavier needs to get out more, if you ask me.

Fluoxetine said...

It was very interesting to read about this in your article. blood pressure

Anonymous said...

It was very interesting to read about this in your article. blood pressure