Atari Games

“OK Jon,” Professor Xavier and I were in a strategy meeting. “Here’s the next step of the campaign.”

“Cool,” I answered. I think my head was still slightly buzzed from the activities of last week. “What is it?”

“What are some of the things that young men really like?” he asked.

“The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition?”

“No,” the Professor answered. “Well, of course they like that, but that’s not the answer I’m looking for.”

“Hmm,” I thought carefully. “Premium cable? Young men like premium cable.”

“Yes, people do like premium cable channels, but again that is not the answer that I am looking for.”

“Dane Cook?”

“No,” Professor Xaiver shook his head. “No, not Dane Cook. The answer of course, is video games.”

“Of course,” I answered.

“In fact, the US Army has had quite a bit of success using their America’s Army game as a recruitment tool,” the powerful telepath added.

“I like Madden,” I said.

“Of course,” my wheelchair-bound companion smiled and nodded. “That’s why I used some of our campaign funds to create some video games as an alternative method of getting your name out.”

“Oh cool, so these games are for the PC?”

“Ah, no.”

“So they’re console games, like for the Sony PlayStation or Nintendo Wii.”

“No, these games are not for those machines, either, I’m afraid.”

“So what are they for?” I asked.

“The Atari 2600,” the founder and leader of the X-Men smiled.

“The 2600?” I couldn’t believe it. “Those things are 30 years old. People aren’t going to want a game designed for a system that old.”

“Ah but you’re wrong there, Jon. The 2600 has nostalgia value. All those miserable Gen Xers will crawl all over themselves to get these games. Plus we can hand out the games to younger children and they will get their parents playing them.”

“I see,” I said. “This does sound like a good idea. So what kind of games did we produce?”

“The first one is titled Citizen Jon,” the Professor checked his notes. “It’s kind of an adventure game where people get to control you running for president. You give speeches, shoot robots and do other campaigning activities.”

“OK, I like that,” I nodded. “There are more?”

“Sure. This game is called Presidential Race. It’s more of a track and field-type sports title. You compete against other characters to win the gold.”

“I like that, too,” I said. “The whole race aspect is carried over into an Olympics kind of thing. Are there any more titles?”

“Yes, there is one more title.” Professor Xavier showed me the box for the third game. “This one is called Spank the Monkeys. It’s kind of like Donkey Kong, I guess.”

I looked at the box for a minute in silence.

“Uh, you do know what spanking the monkey is a euphemism for, don’t you?” I asked.

“Well, I do hear some of my teenage students using the term in my school,” the Professor conceded.

“How can I put this delicately? It’s another word for, uh, pleasuring one’s self.”

“That’s disgusting.” Xavier’s nose wrinkled at the thought. “There’s no place for that kind of stuff in our campaign.”

“See, that’s what I’m thinking,” I agreed.

“Scott thought it was a catchy name,” he said. “I don’t think he knew what he was talking about. I really should not listen to him in matters such as these.”

Game cartridges courtesy of Atari Labelmaker