The Debate

Kevin Nealon: Welcome to the presidential debate between Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and Lancelot Link, I’m your host Kevin Nealon and the two candidates just finished their opening statements and are prepared to take questions. As per the format of this debate, one candidate will be answer the question presented, the other candidate will be given the chance to rebut, then the first candidate will be given the option to answer the rebuttal. Our first question comes from Ted Koppel.

Ted Koppel: Good evening, I’m Ted Koppel and this is my question: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it seems that you think that you are on some sort of dream quest. So how’s that going?

Jon: Pretty well, thanks. I think I’m almost finished with it. It’s pretty unusual, I tell you.

Ted Koppel: How do you know that this dream quest is for real? How can the American people be assured that this is for real and not some sort of issue with your mental health?

Jon: I’d like to say that there are many mysteries in the universe and the power of the human mind is something that scientists have only begun to understand. Is this dream quest legit? I can’t say for certain. I can, however, guarantee the good people of the United States that I’m not going to wake up one morning and arbitrarily decide to attack another country or raise taxes. I truly believe that my dreams are leading me to a deeper understanding of what this country needs in a leader and that is something I would always strive to be.

Lancelot Link: I cannot believe that the people if this country would consider electing my distinguished opponent here. What kind of a man has dream quests and talks about fighting space vampires? A crazy man, that’s who.

Jon: Any crazier than a talking monkey running for president?

Lancelot Link: What about Dr. Zaius? He’s running for president.

Jon: Mr. Link, I know Dr. Zaius, I’ve worked with Dr. Zaius and you are no Dr. Zaius.

(Mild laughter from the audience)

Kevin Nealon: Gentlemen, er, gentleman and gentlemonkey, let’s keep to the rules of the debate, shall we? Our next question is from Dan Rather.

Dan Rather: Lancelot Link, now that the donkey’s having a hoedown and the horse has left the barn what do you think we should do about our presence in Iraq?

Lancelot Link: Dan, I’m glad you asked me that. I feel very strongly that our presence in Iraq is unjustified and unwanted. We should not be there; in fact, we should not be in the Middle East at all. South America is where the bananas are, and South America is where our troops need to be.

Jon: While I may agree that we need to get the troops out of Iraq, I don’t think immediate withdraw is the solution to our issue there. If elected, my plan is to draft the Dittoheads and fans of Bill O’Reilly and deploy them overseas in place of the current troops. Surely there are enough available who are in agreement with the current policy who would gladly defend our country over there.

Lancelot Link: The plan that my distinguished opponent is detailing will never work. The troops in Iraq will never be able to defend the precious, precious banana crops.

Dan Rather: When the dog’s in the poke and the pig’s in the blanket, the cow ain’t paintin’ the barn and the horse just bucked the chicken, I know when a man doesn’t have a follow up question.

Tucker Carlson: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, Emmagate, as some in the media have begun to call it, is still looming large over your campaign. Do you think your campaign can survive this scandal? Don’t you think it would be easier to just admit what you did if you did indeed do it?

Jon: I have maintained my innocence in this and will continue to do so. In fact, we are gathering evidence that it was not Emma Frost in that picture.

Tucker Carlson: So you admit that you slept with someone who only looked like Emma Frost?

Jon: Hey look at me; do I look like the kind of guy who would settle for a cheap bimbo in a mask? If I’m going to sleep around (which I didn’t), I’m going to go for the real deal. I think some of you lovely ladies in the audience understand.

(Sounds of approval from the audience)

Lancelot Link: I don’t understand your concept of marriage and fidelity. Like my cousins the bonobos, I like to have sex all the time, all over the place, indiscriminately, with whomever I want. I’ve even traded bananas for sex, which is a common practice amongst my species.

Jon: And you’re worried about my behavior? Wow. There are some images there that I would rather not have in my mind.

Lancelot Link: Ooooh oooohh! Ahhh! Ahhhhh! Er, I mean, of course, my opponent here has a right to his own beliefs, but I’d hate to see that translate into impeding the rights of Simian Americans everywhere.

Flint Blasterly: I’m Flint Blasterly, Faux News Network. Another of your opponents is on record saying that we clone troopers are a bunch of stupid kids who live with our parents and have never seen a woman naked. How do you think it would be best to explain to him that clones troopers don’t have parents because we were all created in a giant vat of goo and that we’re not allowed to see naked woman because it would lower morale? You know, if one clone sees a naked woman, all clones are going to want to see one.

Jon: I don’t know, that sounds like a tough question. It almost sounds like my opponent has a prejudice against a certain element of our population. I would like the people of this great nation to know that I do not bear and prejudices against any segment of our population, be it race, religion, or Star Wars nerdery.

(Applause from crowd)

Lancelot Link: Sounds like that clone is a dope. I say you throw a banana at him.

Jon: Do all your answers involve bananas? Can’t you think of anything else to say?

Lancelot Link: I’ve got plenty of things to say. I went to Yale, you know.

Jon: Sounds like they’ll let just about anybody into Yale these days.

(Roar of laughter from crowd)

Kevin Nealon: I’d like to reiterate to the two candidates to please keep this debate cordial and within the limits of the rules agreed upon.

Jon: Hey, Kevin, I really did love you in Saturday Night Live. I especially loved your Subliminal Man skits.

Kevin Nealon: You did? Hey that’s pretty swell of you.

Jon: Yeah, and my wife and I vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator just rented the first season of Weeds. You’re great in that too vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

Kevin Nealon: Hey, thanks. It’s a labor of love you know? You’re a real gentleman and a great candidate.

(A banana sails across the stage and hits Kevin in the chest)

Kevin Nealon: Hey!

Lancelot Link: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Jon: Ladies and gentlemen, who would you rather vote for, me or a rageaholic slightly anthropomorphic monkey? vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

(A banana sails through the air and hits Jon)

Lancelot Link: I got one for you, too, you spastic space jerk!

Kevin Nealon: Please, please, let’s keep our composure, everyone. Why don’t we wind things up with a few final words? Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you handsome devil, why don’t you go first?

Jon: Thank you, Kevin vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Friends, Americans, countrymen, lend me your ears. In the past, great , progressive men have run this country vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. People who not only embraced change, but fostered it themselves in their words and deeds. That is something that people have forgotten about lately, but that is not something that I have forgotten. As proven time and again in my campaign ads, I am a man of action vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. As your president, I will be there. Wherever there’s a fight so hungry people can eat, I’ll be there. Wherever there’s a big business beating up on a guy, I’ll be there. I’ll be in the way guys cheer when they’re happy – I’ll be in the way kids laugh when they discover the Internet for the first time. And when people are living a life that they are proud of on the wages that they’ve earned, I’ll be there too vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress flash your breasts, Meredith Vieira. Thank you.

Lancelot Link: If the people of America for one moment think that this man is the proper candidate to lead this country, then you don’t know your butts from your faces. This irresponsible and arrogant pus-brain has clearly spent his time ripping off those who are more talented than him. If you want a policy of ruin, vote for him, but if you want a policy that guarantees a banana in every pot and a tire swing in every back yard, vote for me. Eat the banana, it is good for this country! Vote for Lancelot Link, it’s good for this country! Do you want change? Do you want progress? Do you want freedom? Well then bow down to Lancelot Link! I will protect you just like I protect my precious, precious banana stash. You can be my banana stash. America can be my banana stash! And the home… of the… brave!

Kevin Nealon: Good night everybody. Hey watch it!

Lancelot Link: Next time I throw something at you Franz, it won’t be a banana, catch my drift?