Oh, my belly...

OK, I admit it. I put on a few pounds over the holidays. It happens, I know, but an Intergalactic Gladiator shouldn’t really be showing off a large belly. You know, unless that’s his gimmick or something.

So I made it my resolution to drop 10 pounds and I was fairly certain that I could do it easily, but then I went to a New Year’s Day party at a friends and during the Rose Bowl (Illinois lost, unfortunately), everyone was all like “Hey, let’s have a hot dog eating contest.”

Well who am I to turn down a challenge?

So I participated in the contest and I won naturally, I am after all, an Intergalactic Gladiator and the blood of heroes courses through my veins, the adrenaline of champions wells up within me. You know, that kind of stuff.

So I think enough of that, I really have to go on a diet now, but then everyone was all like “Hey, let’s have a pie eating contest!”

Once again, I am up to the challenge. I love pie as much as the next guy, you know, and none could escape my wrathful bite.

Now I’m starting to feel all full and everything. I think I just want to sit down and take a little break, but guess what happens next? That’s right, everyone declared a corn on the cob eating contest. How could I possibly say no?

So I am absolutely stuffed from my victory there as well. I couldn’t possibly eat another bite when a couple guys started arguing over how many eggs a guy can eat. No way could a man eat one hundred eggs they say.

“I can eat a hundred,” I answer.

“No way,” they say.

“Way,” I reply.

“No way can a man eat a hundred eggs in one sitting,” they say.

“I can,” I reply coolly.


So one more challenge is thrown down and I am ready to go. I was eating pretty well at first, but then around 70 or so, it really started to hit me.

I got up to 96 and I could barely eat another bite, fortunately veteran character actor George Kennedy was there to stuff them in my mouth.

I won.

Man, is my stomach killing me. I think I need to go on a diet.