The voice came from the darkness. It sounded human, yet not quite. The assassin known as Gun Nut relaxed her finger from the trigger.
“But Nemmy,” she called back. “I got him. Just let me finish him off.”
“You will. But Let us first answer his most burning questions: who and why?”
“Yeah,” I said as I relaxed my hands just a little. “Who’s out there and why do you want me dead?”
“We have met before, gladiator. A short while ago, in the future. You were keeping tabs on me.” A jar of bubbling fluid holding a disembodied brain slid forward out of the darkness. “I am sure you remember me now, no?”
“You do look familiar,” I admitted. “Oh yeah, you’re that one psychiatrist dude who’s now a bodyless brain floating in a big jar. What is it, Dr. Numb-something?”
“It is Nemonok as I am quite certain that you remember me. As to the why, I am sure you know my master as well.”
“The Intergalactic Psychological Association?” I asked. “Why would they want me dead?”
“Not the IPA, you fool. Galactor. I serve Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord.”
“You mean Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord, brother of Galacta Queen of the Galaxy?” I asked, showing surprise. “He’s got his evil mitts here? But there’s the embargo in place to protect Earth… that’s just… evil.”
“Galactor’s plans know no embargo. Now, my companion here will do the honor of extinguishing your pitiful existence.”
“So you’re the one behind this whole deal, huh?” I asked. “You hired Zartan to kill me and take his place and then you shot us down over New York.”
“Yes while I did take advantage of you during that storm and shoot you down, I have to admit that I am not the mastermind behind these other plans against you. Now Lilith, will you do the honors?”
“Gladly,” she sneered as she aimed her weapon at my temple.
“Wait a minute,” I said desperately as she re-aimed her weapon at me. “I don’t wanna get shot here like a dog. Come on, have a heart.”
“Clearly you can see that I have no heart to speak of. I believe that there is a precedent set to ask for any last words. Do you have any?”
“Yes… Please please please please don’t shoot me.” I folded my hands together as I begged for my life. “I’m begging you, man. Come on. Please… I don’t want it to be game over.”
“This is the famous Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator?” Lilith spat with contempt. “I thought he’d be a little tougher than this.”
“I just don’t wanna die,” I cried. “I have a wife and kids… and a dog… and a mortgage…”
“Please stop, your behavior is so unbecoming.” I think I heard annoyance edge into his voice.
Lilith sneered at my display. “Just shut up already, you little—”
Before she could pull the trigger, I punched her in the face. Her weapons clattered against concrete as she slumped to the ground unconscious. I kicked both far away from her and picked up my own pistols.
“Now see here…” Nemonok clearly saw that his advantage was gone. “Perhaps we have all been a little rash. We should talk this over…”
“I don’t think so.” I shot him several times with Betsy. They didn’t seem to have the effect I wanted, however, as the bolts bounced off his brain tank thingie.
“Oh, didn’t I tell you? My containment jar is made out of blasterproof Plexiglas.”
“Really? How about this?” I fired the sonic disrupter from my Wristcomm at him.
“Yes, and it is Wristcommproof as well. Additionally, that weapon is ineffective against me as I don’t have ears or a traditional sense of balance.”
“Well that’s interesting,” I replied. “Tell me, how does that big pickle jar do against LPC’s?”
“LPC’s? And what are those?”
“Leather Personnel Carriers.” I kicked the jar and it careened over onto the floor.
I continued to kick the jar until it shifted and pried loose from the base. Containment fluid leaked everywhere as I wedged my fingers in and pulled it loose.
“No. Please don’t! Have mercy, I beg you!”
“Now you’re begging for mercy?” I answered. “You were going to kill me and now you want me to spare your life?”
“Well, I have to tell you, this doesn’t seem like much of a life to me.” I wrenched the tank free and tossed the brain across the floor. It slid to a halt on a puddle and pulsed slightly. I calmly walked up to it and stepped on it until brain matter squished out in all directions.
“Noooo!” Lilith howled from her position on the concrete. “Nemmy! Oh Nemmy!”
“Disgusting.” I curled up my nose at her.
“You killed him!” she howled.
“Shut up,” I said as I knocked her out with a sonic blast.
Thursday, February 21, 2008