Hudson: My Candidate of Choice

When I look at all the candidates running for President of these the United States, weather they are Republican, Democrat, Green , or Simian, I know that I have to make an intelegent choice for who will lead this our country in the next 4 or 8 years of the future.

If there’s one thing that Private Hudson is known for, it’s making intelegent choices. That’s why I’m working through the candidates one by one to determine who is the best choice is.

Green Party – Ha ha ha. No seriously. I like green, it’s great for camouflage, but otherwise whooptee-freakin’ do, I’m impressed. Oh by the way that was sarcasm. Their presidential candidate punches cops and the vice president candidate is a poet or something. Now you know the H-Man (that’s me) loves poetry, let me tell you about this one I know about a guy from Nantucket sometime, but is she going to bust out some dope rhymes the next time she gets in a strategy session with congress or something?

Barrack Obama – I don’t like this guy. He’s never served in the military so how’s he going to know how to command them? Plus he’s doing all that terrorist-like chest thumping with his wife. What’s that all about, man? I’m keeping my eye on that guy.

Dr. Zaius – Well he’s smart, so I guess he’s got that going for him. But do you really want a monkey as president? No way, man. No way. Game over. ‘Cuz you know those moneys are crazy. You think you took care of one of ‘em and then there’s another and then another and then pretty soon they’re comgin out of the walls, they’re coming out of the gorram walls and you’re like get out of here you stupid moneys or I’ll squash you like a stupid bug. I hate bugs.

John McCain – At first glance, this would seem like the choice to go with. He was in the military and he’s considered a bit of a “maverick” in his own party so you think he wants to think on his own. Oh wait, a pilot that’s a maverick, huh? Where’s did I hear that one before? Oh yeah, a maverick pilot is a bigger stereotype than a dumb marine, and you know that’s not true. I’m smarter than the average bear. McCain’s got really short arms, too. Maybe that’s why he crashed all those planes, he can’t reach the buttons.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator – I’m with Jon all the way, and I know what you’re saying, you’re saying “But Private Hudson, you and Jon are best buds and stuff. Of course you’re pulling for him. He went to Hell to rescue you that one time and you and he saved Queen Galacta from the Zerg that one time, too.” Yeah well too bad for you, pal. Jon’s got what it takes to lead this country ‘cuz he’s a man of action and he kicks butt and chews gumm all the time except I never seen him chew gum I don’t think.

That’s why in this crazy universe when you want someone to be president of the Unitred States of America on planet Earth, I’m choosing Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. He’s got what it takes to lead the country right, man. Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen, he’s the man for the job.

Yeah , sure he may seem like he’s got an overinflated sense of self importance like he may say that he’s some sort of juncture of realities or something, but that’s OK ‘cuz George Bush Sr. thought he beat Communism all by himself.

And yeah, maybe sometimes you’re all like “Hey Jon, I just got a new M41A pulse rifle with standard 30mm grenade launcher you wanna go down to the range and shoot some stuff?” and he says “Sorry Private Hudson, but I’m saving the universe again,” and then you say “But it looks like you’re just playing Madden2008 on your computer,” and then he says “Yeah, and I have to beat the hated Green Bay Packers by 70 points or all reality will totally die.” And you don’t really believe it, but then you shrug and you’re like “Well OK.” And you know something isn’t right like with what he said but you’re like whatever.

And maybe he’s not the smartest bomb on the rack because there’s that one time he left me tied up in a closet for like three days while he flew off to Pennsylvania with a guy that had a mask on to look like me, but he’s pretty smart like the one time he figured out how to shoot that one giant robot in the ear. Who else woulda thought of that? No one else, that’s who.

So that’s why I fully endorse Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator for president of the United States of the America.

Game over.