Wednesday, July 09, 2008

On the Campaign Trail

“Welcome back to 20 Questions and Friends, I’m Hector Ramirez. We now join Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator on the campaign trail as he makes a stop at a local school to talk to the kids.”



“OK kids, today we have a special treat. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a presidential candidate and is here to speak to us today. Everyone give a nice big Oak Knoll Elementary School welcome to Jon.”

“Hi Jon!”

“Hi kids. It’s great to see you here today. All your bright and shiny faces. You really are the future and that’s cool. OK, as your teacher said, I’m running for President. The President runs this country and that’s what I want to do. I think I can make the United States a better place for you and your brothers and sisters and friends and your parents and everyone else.”

“Do you carry a gun?”

“Well sometimes. I work in outer space and that’s a pretty dangerous place. I need to protect myself but I don’t want to hurt anyone, that’s why I use stun. Can you kids say stun?”

“Stun.”

“Good job!”

“Can I see your laser gun?”

“I’m afraid not, it would be too dangerous.”

“Mr. Jon, do you think you will continue the current administration’s policies of blood oil and whittling away at the Constitution or will you go the other way and spend billions of tax dollars on energy programs that just won’t work?”

“Wow, that’s a tough question. All I know is that $4.00 for a gallon of gas is way too much.”

“Mr. Jon, my dad says that the wheels of Washington can’t be stopped and an outsider candidate like you with no ties to big money has no chance of getting elected.”

“Wow. That’s a lot for a little kid like you to say. Let’s just say that I think I have a good shot, I’ve got a few tricks up my sleeve.”

“Who are you running against?”

“Well, there are a lot of candidates out there. There are a couple monkeys, though I’m pretty sure one of them dropped out of the race. There’s a scientist. There are others, I can’t recall any of their names off the top of my head at the moment.”

“Hi dada!”

“Hi Paxton! How’s my guy?”

“Do you wear underpants?”

“Of course I wear underpants.”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“What’s so funny? Oh, is it because I said underpants?”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“Alright, knock it off…………………. Underpants.”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“Settle down, children, stop laughing when someone says underpants.”

“A ha ha ha ha hah ha!”

“I said settle down. There, that’s better. Mr. Intergalactic Gladiator, I have a question for you.”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“On 20 Questions and Friends the other morning, they said that you and some of the others running are just joke candidates and you’re taking away from the serious candidates and the serious issues.”

“Really? They said that?”

“Yes they did. Hector Ramirez also wondered if this was a presidential race or a circus and he said you were a clown.”

“I’m a clown really? Well, I think Hector’s just being silly. He’s probably getting a little antsy for viewers seeing as how his ratings are down.”

“I bet you’re right, he is a rightwing jerkbag ratings whore.”

“Miss Crandall! I am shocked that you said something like that. I mean it’s true and Hector’s a pretty big moron. Remember when he tried to open Bugsy Malone’s vaults? Wow, what a maroon, what a dope—”

“…………………………… We’re going to take a quick break. When we come back, Carol’s going to have tips for keeping your pet cool in the summer.”

5 comments:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Never work with animals or children!

Professor Xavier said...

I think I might just have to rearrange a couple of molecules in Ramirez's brain.

Vince Briefs said...

He has a brain?

Merlyn Gabriel said...

underpants... heheheheheheheehe
sorry, couldn't help it.

Dr. Zaius said...

It is kind of creepy talking about your underpants with a bunch of kids, if you ask me.