Wednesday, October 11, 2006

"I am Virgil," he said.

“You mean, like the crappy wrestler from the 80’s?”

“No,” he answered.

“Or like Virgil Earp?”

“No,” he sighed. “Not Virgil Earp.”

“Astronaut Virgil ‘Gus’ Grissom?”

“No I am not the astronaut or the gunslinger or the crappy wrestler!” he said exasperatedly. “I am the poet from ancient Rome. Don’t you know me at all?”

“Well sure,” I answered. “I’ve heard of you.”

“So you know my work?”

“Well… I know of your work,” I replied. “Don’t know your work inasmuch, per se….”

“Oh, you modern people with your action movies and Internet,” he said dryly. “You are all going to Hell, you know.”

“We’re all going to Hell because of the Internet?” I asked.

“From what I can see, yes.”

“And not Planet Hel, formerly the site of Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord’s Citadel of Evil, now the home of affordable luxury condos?”

“No.” he gestured towards the cave. “That Hell. The extradimensional realm of evil. The place where the fallen have been banished. Hades, the abyss, the underworld kingdom of suffering.”

“Yeah, I figured,” I muttered. “I was just hoping it would be someplace a little nicer.”

“Oh this place is not nice at all,” Virgil announced. “It is fire and brimstone. It is anguish and despair. It is suffering incarnate.”

“OK OK, I get it.” Jeez, this guy sure can talk. “So why would Hudson have been swept up and taken down there?”

“That I do not know,” he answered. “Who knows what dark thoughts fill the evil mind of Lucifer, the Lord of Lies, Mephistopheles, El Diab—”

“OK, so I have to go get him back,” I interrupted. “And you’re going to lead me to them.”

“That is correct,” the ancient poet nodded. “We will need to—”

“Let’s go,” I said. As I moved towards the entrance, I charged my two pistols.

“Your weapons,” he said. “You will not need them where we are going.”

“And yet I’ll feel a little bit more comfortable bringing them with.”

11 comments:

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I don't think Dante tried to take two pistols in.

Professor Xavier said...

Hey, the Internet is the great equalizer. Now everyone has unlimited access to free porn. Virgil's just jealous they didn't have so much great porn back in his day. All they had was some sculpts of topless women without any arms. Who's going to be into that?

Darth Nepharia said...

Lucifer is a cunning creature who can take on any form he wishes. Proceed with caution.

Oh, and please tell him I said 'hi', and really enjoyed the cookies he sent.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Yes, but those cookies he gave you came at a terrible price.


(All those calories)

Becca the Magnificant said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Vegeta said...

Last time, I went to hell Ik gave Satan A Ki wedgie so he may still be grumpy

Summer Dawn O'Ciardha said...

I hope you remembered the salt, Jon.

Vampirella said...

oh man if you see Hot Stuff be sure to remember he is an official Jr IG he even has a badge LOL

Florence said...

"and art thou then that Viril,
that wellspring from which such copious floods of elequence have issued.."

Dante, Inferno, canto I, Carey translation.

me still have brain.

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