Monday, October 16, 2006

Minos... The Freshmaker!

Minos by Gustave DoreI was in Limbo, at the gates of Hell and to gain admittance I had to get past Minos, the mythical king of Crete. My mission was to rescue Private Hudson, and I had only my wits and my weapons with me, though guiding me was Virgil (Virgil the ancient poet, not Virgil that crappy wrestler, Virgil the old west lawman, Virgil the astronaut, or Virgil the stiff-legged pilot from International Rescue).

I entered the castle and saw Minos sitting on a great throne. Behind him were several doors in numbered sequence. I watched as the king was delivering judgment to a new arrival.

“You lied, cheated, stole all your life!” he roared. “You killed for greed and you hurt others for pleasure. Do you have anything to say in your defense?”

The man stood at rigid attention. Tense seconds ticked by when suddenly he threw his right arm out in a salute.

“All hail mighty Cobra!” the trooper yelled.

A tail snapped out from behind the ancient king. It whipped out and wrapped around the man seven times.

“It is the Seventh Level for you!” Minos howled and threw the Cobra trooper through a door marked VII.

“Amazing…” I said in wonder.

“That this man is responsible for delivering out punishments?” Virgil asked.

“No, that a Cobra Viper actually died,” I answered. “Don’t they all just jump out of the tank right before it explodes or parachute out of the helicopter in the nick of time?”

“Not all the time, one could imagine,” Virgil answered. “You must get past Minos to Level Two.”

“What about Level One?” I asked.

“This is Level One,” the poet gestured broadly. “This Limbo, oblivion, the Isle of Nothingness, nowhere –”

“OK, I get it,” I said. “You coming with?”

“I will meet you there,” he nodded, then pointed towards the door marked Level II.

“Great,” I muttered. “Well, I’ll see you on the other side.”

I walked along the wall towards the door. I had no doubt that I would be noticed, but maybe I could get close enough before Minos detected me to make a dash for the door. I certainly didn’t want to meet the business end of that tail.

“Who is there?” the ancient ruler bellowed. “Show yourself!”

“I am here.” I stepped forward. He found me, time for plan B, or is it C?

“You do not belong here!” Minos announced harshly.

“Because I am so righteous?” I beamed.

“No because you are still among the living, fool!” he howled. “Turn back now and save yourself.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Stingeree,” I said. “I have to get in there to save someone.”

The tail slid out and hovered between the doors and me.

“Minos, the Tail of Fate,” I chuckled.

“You shall not pass.” He said coldly.

“So you used to rule Crete, huh?” I asked.

“Not that I see any point to this, but yes,” he answered.

“But you’re not there anymore,” I pressed.

“Obviously not, mortal,” he rumbled. “What sort of foolishness is this?”

“If you’re not there, then you must be an Ex-Cretian!” I laughed. “Get it?”

Minos howled and swung his tail at me. I did a sweet combat roll, dodging the attack. I popped to my feet and rushed to Door II.

“Let’s see what’s behind Door Number Two!” I threw it open and dove in. Minos continued to howl so I popped just my head out. “Thanks for the fun, fella,” I saluted then ducked back in. The door shuddered as the tail struck it with a resounding thud.

I was at the top of a long staircase the descended into darkness. I took several steps down and it didn’t seem like I was any closer so I looked back up at the door. It was there alright.

“Why did I have to go through Two?” I thought out loud. “Wouldn’t it be easier to just go through Nine to get to the end?”

I took a couple steps back up towards the castle, but the door didn’t move any closer to me. I took two more steps up and it again remained stuck the same distance away. I took two steps back and the door retreated two steps.

“Trippy,” I said to myself.

I took two more steps up, then several steps back, then several steps up. Each time I moved away from the door the door appeared further away, but each time I stepped closer the door did not move any closer.

“Looks like this staircase is one way only,” I said and continued down towards Level II.


Darth Nepharia said...

This sounds like this is turning into a hellish story (I'm sorry, I couldn't resist).

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Oh, Darth N, you have the devil in you!

Darth Nepharia said...

I've been told that before....

Erifia Apoc said...

This place is twisted.

Skywalker said...

Twisted more than twisted Cheetos.

Florence said...

Viril to Dante, "I, for thy profit pondering, now devise that thou mayst follow me; and I, thy guide, Will lead thee hence though an eternal space, Where thou shall here dispairing shrieks, and see Spirits of old tormented, who invoke A second death."

I was think that the Professor probably hasn't read much poetry.

good luck in level 2 Jon

Professor Xavier said...

I think that Viper must have been from the GI Joe comic. That's much grittier. In this case, gritty means violent.

November Rain said...

LOL at Darth N

R2K said...

: )

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