Tuesday, October 24, 2006

The Third Level of Hell

When last we were with Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, he was traveling through Hell to rescue an abducted Private Hudson. Our hero already traveled through the First and Second Circle and was now about to confront the Third.

I heaved open the massive door and peered out into the level.

“Eww,” I said out loud.

As far as the eye could see fat, immense, corpulent people littered the landscape. They were everywhere lying in the mud, rolling and churning. Oh it was disgusting.

“Eww,” I said again as I looked around.

“This is where the gluttonous are punished,” Virgil appeared next to me.

“I imagine,” I replied. “Eww.”

“Those with voracious, uncontrollable appetites are sent here,” Virgil continued.

“I hear you, and I say again ‘eww.’ These fat hogs are probably the most disgusting thing that I’ve seen in my life, and I’ve seen a party of orcs on a drinking binge.”

“I must warn you,” Virgil continued. “These porcine, portly people are not the only denizens of this level… You must be on guard for the Cerberus.”

I heard a growling off in the distance.

“Cerberus? You mean like the three-headed dog?” I asked.

“Well yes,” Virgil said. “But you should know that—”

“No problem,” I dismissed him. “I’m really good with animals, especially dogs. Here doggy doggy, uh, doggy.”

I started to walk out slowly, holding my hand out for the creature to sniff it.

“Here doggy doggy doggy.”

Suddenly, something leaped on top of me. The Cerberus had me pinned to the ground with his massive front paws. He growled at me then leaned his three heads back in anticipation of a strike.

“I tried to tell you,” Virgil called out to me. “The Cerberus may look like a dog, but it is in fact a demon. You would not be able to befriend it just as you would not be able to gain allegiance from any other blighted beast of this realm!”

“I see that,” I yelled back. “…now.”

Beneath the dog there was a bright flash. The three heads howled in pain and leaped back. I stood up, the smoking barrel of my blaster pistol still pointed at the creature.

“Bad doggie!” I yelled at it. “No treat for you.”

Cerberus howled and leaped at me again. I dove out of the way and the creature slid across the mud. It looked back and me and howled once more before rushing me a third time.

Dodging the cursed canine, I ran towards the exit door, leaping and running around the suety sinners along the way. The monster crashed through them, tossing them aside and howling all the while.

I dashed to the door and hauled it open. I pulled it shut just as the pitiless pooch slammed into it.

“Whew.” I leaned against the door for a minute to catch my breath. “Fat lady almost sang for me...”


Jean-Luc Picard said...

You should run a dog training school. Cerberus would pass!

Professor Xavier said...

Reminds me of the time I imbibed far too much Cognac and wound up at the Brotherhood Holloween party one year. The Blob went through about 5 costume changes. All of them involved him dressing up as different women. Weird.

Darth Nepharia said...

“Fat lady almost sang for me...”

Groan. ;D

Vegeta said...

Yes professor the Blob has problems.

(Looks at the pictures shudders)

Erifia Apoc said...

That was only a lot like a terrible pun Jon, you should be ashamed.

Local Henchmen 432 said...

*Just shakes head*

Gyrobo said...

Flashbacks of fat camp... noooooo!

And I didn't even go to fat camp! Why?!

SQT said...

Bad doggy, doggy, ..uh bad doggy!

Karnov said...

Level 6 is my fave

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