Monday, June 11, 2007

Taken Aboard the Star Destroyer

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

With a clang, the landing struts of the Pegasus Elite met the landing deck of the Star Destroyer. We had few options, Bandit and I were from another galaxy and the hold of my ship was filled with possibly illegal power cores. The Empire of this galaxy has a history of ruling through terror and I have little doubt that my cargo would be confiscated. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get out of this with my ship.

Maybe I can get them to take Bandit and let me go.

“What are we going to do now?” Bandit asked. “I don’t think my customer is going to show up if he sees this giant ship in the area. That is if these guys even let us out of here with the cores.”

“I’d say you have more than just your customer and the BEER Cores to worry about,” I answered. “Start with your own hide.”

“I’d rather start with yours, pretty lady,” he smiled at me again with that oh-so-charming smile.

“This is not the time,” I warned.

“What I’m saying is that we need to work together to get out of this,” he replied quickly. “I watch your back, you watch mine and all. In fact, I swear that I’ll get you out of this mess or my name ain’t Bo Dangle Bandit.”

“Your middle name is Dangle?”

“It’s an old family name,” he replied quickly. “It means to hang loose. Get it?”

“I don’t think so.”

He attempted to explain, but by the time he opened his mouth, I had already launched myself from the pilot’s seat and was on my way to the cargo hold. I punched the button to lower the ramp and took a look at several dozen blaster rifles pointed at me. The rifles were connected to several dozen very serious looking troopers covered in white armor.

“Howdy boys,” I said trying to sound nonchalant. “Why don’t you come on up and see me sometime?”

The troops pressed forward and boarded my ship. One stepped up to me.

“Show me your identification and cargo manifest,” he commanded. “Are you the only one onboard?”

“It’s just her and me,” Bandit called out from the hatch connecting the cargo hold to the main corridor. The troops responded by leveling their weapons at him. He quickly raised his hands and tried to look as harmless as possible. “Whoa whoa, fellas. Don’t shoot, I’m unarmed and undangerous.”

“I’ll be the judge of that,” the apparent leader responded while directing his weapon at me with one hand and looking at my manifest with the other.

“Oh he’s harmless,” I insisted. “Crude, rude, obnoxious, and overbearing, but completely harmless.”

“Ouch,” bandit winced. “You sure do know how to hurt a fella, lady.”

“Alright knock it off you two,” the trooper’s voice echoed metallically through his helmet speaker. “Captain B’Sogg will be here in a moment. He’ll decide what to do you with you.”

“Torture me all you want,” Bandit continued. “But don’t hurt the pretty lady. Please.”

I turned towards the handsome rogue and gave him a “shut up” look. He just lifted his eyebrows and gave an “aw shucks” smile in reply.

“Attention on deck!” yelled one of the troopers. All of the troopers responded by snapping to attention as an Imperial officer crisply made his way up the ramp. His steps clicked on the metal surface and his gray uniform looked crisp and official. The squad leader met the officer at the top of the ramp and offered him the manifest.

“This is Jan O’Mega, sir. She is an intergalactic aviator. Her manifest shows four BERE Cores and a small ship onboard. She also has a passenger, this Bo Bandit.”

The officer looked over the readout and then looked at me. I stood quietly as did Bandit – possibly for the first time in his entire life. The officer stepped over and looked at the power cores, then at the Bandit held to the deck with cargo straps.

“Looks pretty,” he said as he looked over the sleek lines of the Mark 77 TransGa. “I would wager, however, that it’s all show and no go.”

“Hey!” Bandit responded angrily. “It’s got plenty of go, pal!”

“Bandit!” I snarled.

“Ho ho, don’t worry,” the officer laughed. “I am sure your little ship is very nice.”

“It’s not little!” Bandit snapped back. “It’s perfectly suited for two people. Many lovely ladies have enjoyed taking a ride on the Bandit!”

“Bandit. Shut. Up!”

“It looks like your cargo here is scheduled to be picked up by Gordo the Hutt,” the officer continued. “Is this true?”

“Yes,” I quickly replied before Bandit could say anything. “We’re supposed to meet him here to make the exchange.”

“This sector is supposed to be controlled by the Hutts,” Bandit added. “They own this place so there shouldn’t be any trouble, right?”

“Looks like there is a lot that you don’t know,” the officer answered coolly.

“Well, I have to admit that intergalactic politics is not my forte,” Bandit shrugged.

“Then maybe you should SHUT UP!” I yelled.

“Ho ho, I like you,” the officer looked at me. “Your friend here may have a mouth bigger than his brain, but you seem to have it together.”

“Thank you, ah—”

“Captain B’Sogg.” The officer clicked his heals together and bowed slightly. “I am very pleased to meet you.”

“Likewise, sir,” I smiled and nodded in reply.

“Lieutenant, please take our guests to the bridge,” Captain B’Sogg instructed the squad leader.

“Yes sir,” the white armored trooper and led us out of my ship and into the depths of the Star Destroyer.

“The bridge?” Bandit smiled. “That’s good because if we were in trouble they wouldn’t take us there, right?”

“Bandit if for once you could just shut your stupid mouth,” I growled back. “We’re in more trouble than you can imagine.”


Dark Jedi Kriss said...

Stormtroopers? Tell me you didnt end up on Vader's ship...

If so:

It was nice knowing you.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

I don't know. Does Vader have a really ugly captain on his ship?

Skywalker said...

Save a ship, ride a Bandit, huh?

Jean-Luc Picard said...

I wouldn't have thought Bandit tells many that his middle name is Dangle.

Karnov said...

I think you should have that bandit vaporized first chance you get.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Dangle? Bwa ha ha ha ha! Sniff. *Wipes tear from eye*

Darth Vader said...

Yes, I do, Jan, In fact all of my captains are ugly.

Vegeta said...

As the man is under the Vader mask.

Professor Xavier said...

Seriously. Talk about the armored Frankenstein calling the kettle black.

Karnov said...

It's the diet Mountain Dew of Champagne.