I meet the Bandit

Guest Poster: Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

“So what’s a clean little gal doin’ in a dirty old place like this?” my customer asked. “Or are you not so clean? Ha ha!”

“Can we just get on with this?” I asked. “Where are the power cores?”

“Why you’re all business, aren’t you?” he responded with a chuckle. “Of course, I’m all business too. When it’s time for pleasure, I’m all business.”

I had to suppress my gag reflex at that one. Wow, did he really just say that?

“Let me show you the cores.” He ushered me towards the far end of the docking bay. “By the way, I’m Bo. Bo Bandit.”

“Please to meet you Bo Bo,” I said while shaking his hand.

“No, it’s not Bo Bo. It’s just Bo. Bo Bandit.”

“So your name is Bo,” I replied. “Bo Bandit.”

“That’s right, Bo Bandit,” he beamed. “That’s my name but that’s not necessarily what I do. Ha ha.”

“Right. I’m Jan O’mega,” I introduced myself. “These are the cores?”

“Yessirree ma’am,” he nodded. “These are the Broadcast Energy Radiation – Electronic or BERE Cores. They’re used to power antennas on intergalactic communications array. That’s why we’re taking them to that galaxy, you know missy. They’re to set up some antennas and really, who doesn’t like antennas? Ha ha.”

“Great. Let’s get them loaded and get going.” The sooner this thing is over, the better.

“Oh, let me introduce you to one of the technicians working on this,” he said. “Jan, meet Dr. Chaos.”

“That’s Chaos as in the theory,” he laughed as he thrust a fat, greasy hand towards me.

“Ah, so you apply the Chaos Theory to these BERE Cores?” I asked.

“Oh heck no,” he dismissed the thought with a wave. “I just like Cores BERE is all. I mean BERE Cores. You call it BERE Cores, sometimes I call it Cores BERE.”

“Just don’t call me late for dinner!” Bo laughed.

“I might call you collect!” Chaos laughed back.

“You’d collect a punch in the nose!” Bo laughed as he showed Chaos a clenched fist.

“I’ll just collect your—ha ha ha ha ha,” Chaos tried to answer, but he began laughing so hard he couldn’t. Then Bo began to laugh hard as well. They were trying to riff but were just laughing these high pitched squeaky laughs while Chaos threw and arm around Bo. They tried to continue their conversation, but their laughter and hugging continued instead. I rolled my eyes. Then I cleared my throat and the two stopped to look at me.

“Can we get going?”

“Looks like Jan with a plan wants to get the show on the road,” Bo Bandit said with a laugh. “Of course, the road is space but you already know that, don’t you?”

“Space? No thank you,” Chaos answered. “I’m the opposite of claustrophobic, I’m anticlaustrophobic.”

“Well, you’re certainly not anemic,” Bo laughed.

“Well you’re no walk in the park, either.”

“I’ll park you – under a tree!”

“Don’t you bark at me like that!”

“My bite is worse than my bark.”

“But you’re barking up the wrong tree.”

“Can we just get on with it?” I yelled in frustration. “Let’s load the cores and get going!”

“But I haven’t told you the plan yet,” Bo answered flatly.

“Fine. What’s the plan?” I said.

“You fly the cores in the cargo hold of your ship,” he answered. “I’ll run interference in my ship the Bandit.”

“Your name is Bandit and you named your ship Bandit?” I asked in utter amazement.

“Long story,” he answered without missing a beat. “I’ll keep the Smokies off your tail in the Bandit until you get the cargo to its destination. The Smokies are the local law enforcement, of course. It’s a great plan, we do it all the time. We call it Smokey and the Bandit. Ha ha.”

And yet I am still worried.