Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Stop in the name of the law

“Don’t move!” came the command. “Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI!”

I held my hands up in the air and let my pistol dangle limply from my finger.

“Drop the weapon and slowly turn around.”

I complied and let Betsy clatter to the ground; I then turned slowly and got a good look at who was giving me these orders.

“Keep your hands up!” she growled.

“Yes ma’am,” I answered. “Look, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and we’re on the same side. If you just give me a moment to explain.”

“I don’t care if you’re the Queen of France and I don’t want to hear it, buster,” she replied huskily. “I saw you out there and I’m taking you in.”

I don’t have time for this.

“Wait, you’re taking me in for hanging off a clock face?” I shrugged. “It was hanging on for dear life because these guys shoved me out there. They were trying to kill me, why don’t you take them in?”

“Maybe I will,” she said coolly. “Maybe I’ll take you all in.”

“Wait, you’re a federal agent, shouldn’t this under the jurisdiction of the local cops?”

“Listen, mister, when I see a man hanging off the Chester A. Arthur Memorial Clock, I bring the guy in. That’s my jurisdiction.” She then deadpanned the local law like some kind of TV police detective dryly reciting his lines. “Chapter 140: PEACE AND GOOD ORDER ARTICLE I – Defacing of Public Property, section 140-1. Defacing of public property prohibited. Subsection A. No person shall damage, break, mar, deface, injure or remove any building, fence, sign, fire hydrant, fire alarm box, streetlight, tree, shrubbery or other property owned by the District of Colombia in any manner whatsoever. You sir are the defacer and I’m taking you in.”

“Hold on, I said I was on your side.” I still had my hands up. “Let me show you my badge.”

She looked at me for a moment and let out a breath. “Fine. No funny business.”

I brought out my badge and showed it to her. “See? I’m one of the good guys.”

“Where’d you get that?”

“I helped out the President a little while ago,” I answered. “I got it from him.”

“That badge isn’t worth the tin it’s stamped on, pal,” she growled in disgust. “You have the right to remain silent…”

“Wait wait wait,” I pleaded. “Someone’s set me up. Someone’s trying to kill me and these are the hired thugs. You can have your bust, just take them in, I’m running out of time!”

She paused for a moment, as if there was an internal struggle going on in her mind.

“You’re running out of time,” she repeated. “I should take them in.”

“Right. Don’t take me in.”

“Don’t take you in,” she said flatly.

Wait a minute.

“You don’t want to arrest me,” I said as I waved my hand in front of her.

“I don’t want to arrest you.”

“You want me to go and complete my mission.” I waved my hand in front of her again.

“You need to get going so you can complete your mission.” Holy cow! I can do the Jedi mind trick!

“These are not the droids you are looking for.” I waved my hand in front of her again.

“These are not the droids I am looking for,” she deadpanned.

“OK, cool,” I smiled. “Well, I gotta go. You OK with these three?”

“I am OK with these three,” she replied unemotionally.

“Great, send ‘em to Blackwater Prison. Nobody escapes from there.” I scooped up Betsy, dashed out of the room and ran down the stairs.

Are you alright, Jon? I could hear Professor Xavier talking to me telepathically.

“Fine,” I replied. “I figured that was you lending a little hand with the FBI agent back there.”

Of course, he replied in my mind. Though I thoroughly enjoyed listening to you try to talk your way out of trouble, I assumed that you wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

“Right, thanks,” I said as I threw myself out of the front door of the building and down the street. “I’ve got to get on the Danger Sled and track that signal.”

Where to?

“South Dakota.”


Jean-Luc Picard said...

Audrey is one tough lady!

Draculina said...

you should have shot her

The Heroslayer said...

I hate law enforcement

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Dr. Zaius said...

South Dakota? Are you going to find Chester A. Arthur's Stalwart faction of the Republican Party?