Town Hall Meeting

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Thank you everyone for having me here tonight. This is going to be an open discussion, so all questions are welcome. The first question will come from our esteemed Washington correspondent, Miss Clara Peller. Clara?

Helen Thomas: What is this, some kind of a joke?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: No. No joke.

Helen Thomas: Well then what makes you think you'd make a good president?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I couldn't be worse than what's in there now. Next question.

Professor Xavier: What is your position on subsidized daily back massages for educators?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Sounds like a great idea, sign me up.

Wolf Blitzer: What is your plan to decrease America's dependence on foreign oil?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: My plan has several factors, but the basic premise is to motivate our scientists and engineers to create new and safe sources of energy.

Wolf Blitzer: How do you plan to motivate them?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Free stuff. I know scientists love free stuff, I know I do. My administration will offer all kinds of free stuff to scientists like lunches, T-shirts, and LED key chains. Scientists will eat that stuff up.

Recent College Graduate: Hi, I'm a recent college graduate and I am worried that I won't be able to get a job because companies are now outsourcing to India.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: To be fair, the citizens of Indiana need jobs, too. Ever wonder why they're called Hoosiers? That's such an odd word. Hoosier. Hoosier. How does one "Hoose" anyway?

Recent College Grauate: Not Indiana, India. All the jobs are going overseas.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Oh, that India. Jobs going overseas is bad because it takes jobs away from people who need them right here in the United States. In my America, jobs will be available for all. A chicken in every pot and an Internet in every garage, I say.

Blockade Boy: My dear friend Storm Boy’s gay marriage to Dynamo Kid ended in a not-so-gay divorce. What’s your position on gay marriage?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I think all marriages should be gay but unfortunately they're not. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment from all parties involved and I remember when my wife and I were first married, it wasn't gay at all. She just graduated from school and was student teaching, I had a low-paying job and we had to move into a small apartment in the ghetto. With a lot of hard work, though, our marriage is a lot happier now.

Blockade Boy: I have a follow-up question from Storm Boy. He wants to know if you endorse the use of a time bubble to prevent, say, a disastrous marriage from happening in the first place.”

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I cannot recommend the use of time travel in situations like this because of the potential for disaster outweighs the chances of success. It's like in that movie Timecop, Ron Silver touched a younger version of himself and then he went "Ahhh" and melted. Traveling to the past and touching yourself is rarely a good idea.

Bill Kurtis: Good afternoon, I'm Bill Kurtis. Would you care to comment on your service record? It appears that you missed several of your weekend drills while you served in the Army Reserves.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I served honorably on active duty for three years until the end of my Term Of Service. I then joined the Reserves and served for another three years until I graduated college. While in the Reserves, I did serve faithfully and was even a key component in a real-world mission. After the three years, I transitioned into inactive reserves for personal reasons.

Bill Kurtis: I'm Bill Kurtis. You are quoted as saying that you were kicked out of the Army for the good of the country, would you care to elaborate?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I may have said that once. I thought it was funny at the time.

Pothead: Heh heh, you ever smoke pot, man?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: No. In college I had opportunities, but I never smoked marijuana.

Pothead: Heh heh, yeah, but I heard that they used to call you the Happy Hairy Highfather of Hippytown. Heh heh heh. That's funny.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: What? That's ridiculous. Why would anyone call me that?

Pothead: Heh heh heh.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Next question.

The Question: Are you going to keep the goverment policy going that connects Alien abductions with meta human fights In Area 51? It's all part of Micheal Jackson's sinister plan. Will you keep working with him and KFC if elected?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I am sure that all of these events are unrelated.

The Question: What about the secret cabal that reaches all the way back to ancient Egypt that, in cunjunction with Major League Baseball, puts flouride in the water in order to track us with satelites?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Uh... Next question.

Morgan Spurlock: Do you want to see me eat nothing but McDonalds for a month?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: At this time, I would say no.

Morgan Spurlock: How about Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burritos?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I would really prefer not to.

Morgan Spurlock: What if I hook a car battery to my nipples. Do you want to see that?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Next question.

Snowman: I have a very important question about global warming. What do you plan to do to reduce it and ensure that my son has a long and happy life?

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Well of course, global warming is bad. I would like to refer back to my plan to motivate scientists to discover alternative energy sources.

Snowman: Yes, but it's so hot. Help me. Hellllp meeee....

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: You do realize that you are in a studio, right? The lights in here are blazing. Hey, are you OK?

Snowman: .....

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: That's all the time we have today, everyone. Thank you all for participating and don't forget to vote.

Buttons

My wife is great. Last night I told her that I was running for president and she said "Of what, Intergalactia?" Yeah, I can't wait to get her on the campaign trail and giving speeches about how rock music melts your brain or something.

Anyway, the campaign buttons that I ordered came in and they look really nice except for one problem.


I wound up ordering another box of the corrected version. I suppose that I can still use the original buttons, I'm not sure for what though.



My next post will feature my town hall meeting. Stay tuned, Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators!

But before that, make sure and check out the Super Cool Blog Alliance because they endorse me. Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, the choice of a new generation!

Running some ads

Seeing as how I’m running for president of the United States, the first thing I need is a good campaign manager. There’s only one person I can think of when I think good campaign manager, and that’s Professor Xavier.

Professor Xavier is a well-traveled man of education. His unique gifts give him foresight into what people want and need and he is a great listener. In fact, you might say that he can hear what people say even before they say it.

“Now Jon,” the Professor advised me. “The first thing you need is some good campaign ads. You need to really come out of the gates strong here. You need to show people something that will push their decisions away from the other candidates and towards you.”

“I know what you’re saying, Professor,” I answered. “But I don’t want any negative ads. I don’t think that attacking my opponents is a good idea, you know. I want to keep my campaign positive and stick to the issues.”

“Of course, of course,” he assured me. “We won’t run any negative ads.”

Sleestak comes from a place called Land of the Lost. Land of the Lost if full of semi-evolved lizard men who want to take over our country. That’s right, these lizard men want to come to our country and take jobs away from hard working Americans like you. And who is going to pay for your doctor’s visit when a lizard man stabs you with a flint-tipped spear? That’s right, you pay. So a vote for Sleestak is a vote for an unholy invasion of horrifying healthcare sapping lizard men. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Dr. Zaius likes to stand on his record as an ape of science, but what kind of science is he an ape of? Where Dr. Zaius comes from, humans are routinely experimented on with horrifying results. In fact, Dr. Zaius himself experimented on humans, caged normal men and women like animals, treated them like pets, and drenched them with high pressure water hoses. Do you want your president drenching you with a hose and performing experimental brain surgery on you? A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Dr. Smith endangers small boys. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein wants to be your president, but what kind of a president would he be? A president who will routinely make a mess out of the Oval Office, that's who. And when he makes a mess in the White House, guess who foots the bill for the clean up. That's right, you will. If you want the White House treated like some sort of big joke building, vote for Monkerstein, but if you want it treated like a place where America will once again attain greatness, vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

Citizen Jon

My fellow Americans, dearest family, close associates, interdimensional vagabonds, members of the press, innocent bystanders, I am very pleased and proud to be standing before all of you today. Thank you all who have traveled far and wide to be here today. [Hold for applause]

We all made this journey for a reason. It's humbling, but in my heart I know you didn't come here just for me, you came here because you believe in what this country can be. In the face of war, you believe there can be peace. In the face of despair, you believe there can be hope. In the face of a politics that's shut you out, that's told you to settle, that's divided us for too long, you believe we can be one people, reaching for what's possible, building that more perfect union. [Hold for applause]

When I take a look at some of the things that are happening in this great country, I am greatly saddened. For the past many years, we have had Presidents who are more interested in lining their friend’s pockets with money, trampling on our great Constitution, or engaging in personal activities wholly unbecoming of the highest office of this great land. This is no longer the same presidency that George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, or William Howard Taft proudly held.

The legacy left behind saddens me but what concerns me more is that this country needs a leader, someone of wholesome character and upstanding values who can bring this country back to the promised land. [Hold for applause] I look at the group of candidates today and I see men who could not possibly be up to this great challenge. I see Sleestak, a being who’s entire campaign is clearly a ruse to gain the graces of Halley Mills. I see Dr. Smith, a man who is solely responsible for the loss of the Jupiter 1 spacecraft. I see Dr. Zaius, someone who will is looking out for the people – his people, not the common person who built the great nation with hard work and sweat, but his race of super intelligent future apes. And Dr. Monkey Von Monkeystein – well let’s just say that if the only requirement for the presidency was the ability to hurl one’s own feces, he would certainly have had the race wrapped up at the starting gate.

Competent candidates? Yes. Extraordinary candidates? No. That is why, at this time, I would like to make my formal announcement for candidacy of the President of these United States. Thank you. [Hold for applause]

In the long history of the world, only a few generations have been granted the role of defending freedom in its hour of maximum danger. I do not shank from this responsibility - I welcome it. I do not believe that any of us would exchange places with any other people or any other generation. The energy, the faith, the devotion which we bring to this endeavour will light our country and all who serve it -- and the glow from that fire can truly light the world.

And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you - ask what you can do for your country.

My fellow citizens of the world: ask not what America will do for you, but what together we can do for the freedom of man. [Hold for applause]

Thank you. Thank you. [Hold for applause]

At this time, I would also like to announce that I will hold a town hall meeting next week. Everyone is invited to attend and everyone is certainly invited to send your questions in to me at joninterglad@hotmail.com. I give you my word as an Intergalactic Gladiator and a gentleman that I will not shy away from the truth, I will not shy away from the issues, and I will not shy away from bringing this country the great leader it so richly deserves. [Hold for applause]

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.

The Star Destoryer Loomed Over Us

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Bandit and I were in the Pegasus Elite and close to getting away from Gordo the Hutt and his gang aboard the Star Destroyer Naal’taa but they were giving pursuit with their weapons charged.

“They’re in range,” Bandit said worriedly while looking through at the sensor scope. “We’re sitting ducks… like a three legged mule on Main Street.”

“That,” I replied while gritting my teeth. “Does not make sense.”

“Yeah, well it won’t matter in just a couple seconds,” Bandit shrugged. “Been nice knowing you, Jan O’Mega. You’re a real sweet gal.”

“I think that’s the first time you’ve ever called me by my name,” I answered. “That’s nice.”

“You think so, pretty lady?”

“There you go again with the ‘pretty lady’ bit,” I rolled my eyes. “And I thought we were making progress.”

“Listen to me and listen to me now, you frelling cow,” B’Sogg’s unmistakable voice rattled my com speakers. “Before you die, I wanted you to know who killed you.”

“B’Sogg?” Bandit dragged his hand down his face in a combination of wonder and disgust. “You shot him twice, he must have the constitution of a racehorse on a warp track.”

“That almost made sense,” I snorted. I then keyed the mic on the com. “B’Sogg, I don’t suppose that we could talk about this, could we?”

“Time for talk is over,” B’Sogg growled back. “Now it’s time to die.”

“I thought you rewired that ship so we could escape,” Bandit said desperately.

“I did!” I yelled back. “I don’t know what’s going on.”

Turbolaser fire began to lance out towards us from the looming capital ship. Just as I ran out of running room, the ship shot past us and leapt into warp.

Breathing heavily, Bandit uncurled his fingers from the control panel and looked at me. “You did it! I don’t know what you did, but you did it!”

“I sent it to Coruscant,” I grinned. “Imperial Center. Right in front of the fleet guarding the planet.”

Bandit laughed heartily. “Yeeehaw! You did it! We made it! Great work, Jan.”

“You know,” I laughed. “I kind of like it when you call me Jan.”

“Really?” he grinned. “What else do you like?”

“I’ll show you.” I stood up and gave him a soft kiss on his lips. The look on his face said it all.

“Jan, you’re a real surprise. I’ll tell you that.”

“I’ve got another surprise for you.” I got up and beckoned for him to follow. Like a drooling puppy, he chased after me until I reached a door. “In here.”

“Is that your--?” he strained to look. I wrapped my arms around him in a tight embrace.

“I said that I had a surprise for you.” I punched the open button and the door hissed open.

“Waitaminute, that’s a--!”

Before Bandit could finish his sentence, I quickly executed a circle throw and flipped him right into the escape pod. I then punched the button and the doors slid shut.

“What are you doing?” Bandit pounded on the small porthole. “Let me out of here!”

“I don’t know what’s worse,” My breath condensed on the window as I growled. “Your stupid get rich quick scheme or the fact that you almost got me killed with it.”

“Aw come on, let me out, sweetie,” Bandit pleaded. “I’m not from around here and I don’t have a ride home.”

“And who’s fault is that?”

“Look look look, I didn’t make any money on this venture,” he said. “At least you got half. Why don’t we talk about this over a drink? I know some Andorians who need a couple tons of radion 12! I’ll go halvsies with you, we’re a team!”

“I don’t think so,” I shook my head. “And that half that I got?”

“Yeah?”

“Should just about cover fuel and a new escape pod,” I smirked. “Don’t forget to turn on your transponder, I’m sure someone’ll pick you up soon.”

“What? Aw noooooooooooo!” Bandit yelled as I punched the launch button and the pod blasted out into space.

I watched the pod tumble away until it was just a glinting dot in the backdrop of space, then I went back to the cockpit and after verifying that his transponder was on, I set course back to my home galaxy and Orion Station. Maybe business will pick up a bit by the time I get there.

Still working on that escape thing...

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

By assuring the Imperial troopers that we would actually get them back to the Empire, they made it easy for us to escape getting thrown out an airlock. Bandit and I aren’t out of the proverbial woods yet as we have to get back to my ship the Pegasus Elite and get off this Star Destroyer. Our luck is holding out though, despite the announcements of our escape over the loudspeakers, none of the ship’s crew or the armored troops were anywhere to be seen. Despite this, I doubt that our luck will hold. We still have Gordo the Hutt’s court, mercenaries, and other various sycophants to contend with.

“Pretty slick move, pretty lady,” Bandit panted as we ran across the steel deck of the corridor. “We’re lucky that the Hutt agreed to have you spaced.”

“I was lucky he took the bait,” I replied. “But he’d have to if he wanted to keep the troops onboard happy.”

“I didn’t even know you were in the Queen’s Royal Navy,” he chuckled.

“I guess there’s a lot that you don’t know about me,” I laughed back. “Like my ability to talk my way out of a situation.”

“So you weren’t—?” A big grinned cracked across Bandit’s face. “You mean you—Hoo wee, you sure pulled the wool over their eyes! Ha hah!”

“Gotta be fast on your feet sometimes, whoouhllff!” The wind was unexpectedly knocked out of me. My back smacked the wall as the rifle I was carrying clattered to the deck.

“I’ll kill you now!” B’Sogg growled angrily. A knife gleamed in his hand.

I looked over at Bandit, he too was engaged with one of the Hutt’s guards. I didn’t have any more time to think about it as the blade slashed towards my stomach.

“That’s no way to treat a lady,” I managed to quip as I dodged out of the way of B’Sogg’s strike. I chopped his hand with the edge of mine and the knife clanged to the ground.

“You stupid cow!” B’Sogg cursed as he shook the stinging sensation out of his hand. “You’ll pay for that!”

He lunged at me again but I side stepped the attack and drove the heal of my boot into the side of his knee. With a sickening crunch, his knee collapsed and he dropped to the ground howling in pain. I quickly picked up the rifle and shot him twice in the back.

“You finished with your dancing partner yet?” I called out to Bandit.

“Hang on a sec, sweetheart.” Bandit dug his heal into the guard’s toe and quickly followed up with an uppercut that sent his opponent sprawling backwards. I finished the guard off with a blast from my rifle as well.

“Wow that’s cold, shootin’ a man in the back like that and all,” Bandit whistled.

“It’s set to stun.” I held up the rifle for him to see the settings. “Let’s go, the landing bay’s that way.”

We quickly ran to the bay and I skidded to a halt in front of a computer station. I pulled my sonic screwdriver out of my cargo pocket and I started working the terminal.

“What are you doing?” Bandit asked. “Guards could be here any minute!”

“Just a second, I have to ensure that we’ll get out of here,” I answered.

“Hurry!” he urged.

“Got it!” I yelled as the terminal pinged and scrolled through a script on the monitor.

We quickly dashed into my ship and I revved the engines just as the Hutt’s mercenaries began firing from the hanger doors. Blaster fire ricocheted from the Pegasus Elite’s hull as I returned fire from my front cannon.

“Wait! The Bandit’s on the deck over there!” Bandit yelled. “That’s my ship, we gotta go get it!”

The Elite lifted up off the deck and dropped down through the open bay doors. Her main engines flared to life and we rocketed away from our pursuers.

“My ship!” Bandit wailed.

“You want to go back and get it?” I asked.

Bandit’s howl dropped down into an unrecognizable mumble. Then he looked at the readings from the copilot’s seat. “The Star Destroyer’s persuing us! Weapons are powering up!”

“Hang on!” I gritted my teeth.

I began evasive maneuvers as I hoped beyond hope that my hack job would take effect before we’re reduced to space dust.

Our Escape

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

My little trip with Bandit into this galaxy isn’t going so well. Bandit hired me to fly him and some power cores here and as it turns out, he was in turn hired by a Hutt crimelord who used the devices to create an experimental weapon that potentially could destroy its target from across the galaxy. Gordo the Hutt’s plan, it appears, was to kill us and take our ships instead of paying us for goods delivered.

His plan is going very, very well right now.

Bandit was beginning to panic as the Imperial troopers led us to the airlock. We were unarmed, outmanned, and would clearly not last a minute against these armored shock troops. I, however, have a plan of my own.

“Listen guys, I like you,” Bandit said. “You all look pretty smart and you’ve got good fashion sense. Why don’t you just let me go and I’ll just get out of your hair. Honest. You can trust me.”

“Quiet,” the lead trooper snapped.

“So you just want them to let you go?” I hissed at Bandit.

“Well I would come back for you,” he sputtered.

“I said quiet,” the trooper growled again.

“You selfish jerk! You were going to sell me out!” I yelled.

“No I wasn’t,” he insisted.

“I said quiet,” the trooper had enough and cracked the back of Bandit’s head with the butt of his rifle.

As Bandit stumbled forward, I quietly said “We’re under surveillance, aren’t we?”

“Quiet, or you’ll get the same,” the lead trooper threatened.

We resumed our walk towards the airlock when I again said quietly “Tired of taking orders from the Hutt?”

There was no response.

“Of course they’re watching us right now,” I added just as quietly.

I heard the comlink in his helmet click, but he didn’t say anything.

“I’ll get you back to the Empire,” I offered quietly.

The trooper harrumphed.

“Don’t fight back,” I whispered. “I’ll get you back.”

“I said be quiet!” the trooper took a wild swing at me with the butt of his rifle but I grabbed it and spun. Using his momentum against him, I spun the trooper right into his comrades and the whole group crashed to the ground in a pile of white armor. I still had my hands on the rifle and I quickly grabbed Bandit, who was staring at the mess with his jaw dropped open.

“Let’s go!” I pulled him down the corridor.

“You don’t have to tell me twice, sister!” Bandit cracked back as we ran to the lift.

Meanwhile, Gordo the Hutt, who watched the entire incident on the video screen surrounded by his entourage, let out an earsplitting howl.

“Get them! Kill them!” he yelled.

“I should have killed them right here!” B’Sogg growled at his employer. “But I will kill them. Do not worry about that.”

“Just go!” the crimelord howled back. B’Sogg ran from the party room followed by many of the hired guns.

Your attention, your attention please!

Announcing the newest little Junior Intergalactic Gladiator, Paxton!

Paxton was born at 10:08 PM on July 11th. He's bright and alert and he looks all around despite squinting from the camera flash in every picture I've taken of him.

Patricia is fine but worn out, obviously. It's been a long night but she was smiling and laughing the whole time. She really only pushed for about 10 minutes before the baby came out so she insists that she's a good pusher.

We decided on his name fairly early in the pregnancy. Paxton means "Peacful Place" so this kid is going to be hell on wheels, of course.

Our Fate

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Because of my outrage over the BERE Cores being utilized as a weapon, Gordo the Hutt’s guards hauled us back to our room and unceremoniously dumped us in there. They locked the door, but even if they didn’t, we were trapped inside an enemy ship and surrounded by thousands of troops, right?

At least that’s what the Hutt and B’Sogg wants us to think. From what I saw, however, there were far less crewman and troopers onboard than normal. Although they are maintaining their military discipline in this sick joke, I would imagine that if the opportunity to get out of this situation were to present itself, they would take it. The rest of the personnel on the ship are from the Hutt’s entourage and other assorted lowlifes and hangers-on. They’re busy partying and we just might get lucky if they’re too drunk to cause us trouble.

Hours ticked by and we heard nothing from our captors. I was getting antsy and Bandit was his usual obnoxious self.

“Well it was quite a party, wasn’t it, angel?” he chuckled.

“I told you, don’t call me tha—” I stopped in mid sentence and just began to laugh.

“What are you laughing at?”

“You. Me. This,” I swept my hand around. “This whole situation. This is stupid and funny and crazy and yet I have a hard time believing that we’ll ever get out of here alive.”

“I had everything under control, lady” Bandit bragged. “But then something came along and spoiled it all for us. What was that? Oh yeah, it was you.”

“That weapon was horrifying,” I replied. “Imagine striking anyone from out of nowhere and destroying them wholesale. Hitting your enemies and innocent bystanders when they can’t even fight back from half a galaxy away. How could you condone that?”

“Let me tell you something, sweetie,” he snapped back quickly. “I don’t. I think it’s horrible too, but you know what? This whole galaxy is a mess. Have you seen that prune faced guy in charge of it? How about the company he keeps? They want to destroy planets with a giant battlestation, there’s an open rebellion against them, and they have to watch out for these giant slugs creeping around, too. There’s a war going on here and it’s been going on for decades –centuries even– and I say the sooner we get our money, the sooner we get out of here.”

I looked at him. He looked at me. The silence hung in the air like the foul smell emanating from that Hutt.

“You are so mercenary,” I said coolly. I was hoping to make him feel bad, I don’t think it worked.

“I think I’m more of a realist,” he shrugged. “Everyone’s fighting in this galaxy and they’re still going to fight whether we provide them with embargoed power cores or not.”

“Hmph.”

“Hey, we’re on the same side here, lady,” he continued. “If you can think of a way to get us out of here, I’m all for it. If you can get us out of here with our money, even better.”

“I’ve been thinking,” I replied. “But I just don’t have a plan. Yet.”

The doors slid open and Gordo’s greasy stooges stood before us.

“Come,” said one. With that, Bandit and I quietly exited the quarters and let them lead us back to Gordo on his party deck. We stepped onto the forward observation area and walked towards the Hutt perched on his giant slab of a throne. The party was still going on and the party goers were still drinking, but it was much more subdued and quiet. All eyes were on Bandit and I as we stepped in front of the giant, slime covered worm.

“Thank you for your prompt delivery of the power cores,” the Hutt boomed in his own voice. “Too bad they do not work.”

“Hey, whadya mean they don’t work?” Bandit asked loudly. “They were all inspected and certified before we brought them to this galaxy.

“Unfortunately,” Captain B’Sogg added. “All of the BERE Cores burned out during our recent tests. We cannot, in good conscience, pay you for this faulty equipment.”

“We can’t be accountable for that,” Bandit insisted. “Those things were made for intergalactic communications antennas, not some sort of space gun.”

“Too bad for you,” B’Sogg countered. “You still will not be paid. And for insulting us with your attempts to sell us this inferior junk, we will be taking your ship as restitution.”

I knew exactly where this was going and I didn’t like it.

“Oh no you don’t,” I growled back at him. “You’re not touching the Pegasus Elite. Take his crappy ship instead.”

“Hey!”

I turned towards bandit. “Just give him that little ship of yours and let’s get out of here.”

“Stop calling it little,” Bandit snapped back as the Hutt laughed loudly at the exchange. “It fits two perfectly, what more could you want?”

“Do you want to get out of here?” I asked. “give ‘em your ship.”

“No way. And a Hutt can’t fit in it anyway, so just give ‘em yours.”

“I think that perhaps we should take both,” B’Sogg interrupted. “To recover our loses from this failed experiment with your defective merchandise.”

“What?” Bandit and I said to him in unison. B’Sogg laughed smugly right back at us.

“Oh no, that’s it!” I growled and I punched B’Sogg right in the face.

The crowd gasped as the fake captain fell back from the blow. Gordo laughed loudly and B’Sogg picked himself back up and wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

“Oh I like her,” Gordo laughed. “Even at facing the end of her insignificant life, she still fights with spark that few others here have.”

Enraged and humiliated by my physical attack and by the Hutt’s laughter, B’Sogg pulled his sidearm and aimed it right at my face.

“I should kill you where you stand, bitch,” he growled.

“That was the plan, wasn’t it?” I asked calmly. “You were going to kill us all along. Life’s cheap around here and who’s going to miss us anyway?

“Maybe I’ll do it slowly and painfully.” B’Sogg eyes crinkled into dark, evil creases. “Your death would bring me much enjoyment.”

“Wait, wait,” Bandit waved his arms. “We don’t need to resort to this. I know you’re looking for a few good men. I’m your good man. I’m pretty handy in the Bandit, you know. No Smoky’s ever caught me. I can scout, run contraband, whatever you need.”

“I don’t need spineless scum like you.” Gordo boomed.

“OK, fair enough.”

“If you like your little ship so much,” B’Sogg growled while still keeping his eyes and gun aimed at me. “Perhaps we could tie you to the back of it and take you for a ride, no?”

“Ah, no,” Bandit declined.

“Yes,” I said. The crowd gasped slightly at the thought of me offering up my companion. “No, not him. Space me.”

The crowd gasped again.

“Why would we want to do that?” B’Sogg asked.

“As a former pilot in the Queen’s Royal Navy, Service Number Four Dash Three Niner Niner Alpha One Five Omega, it is my right to be buried in space.”

“Fine,” B’Sogg smiled. “I’ll even dump your body personally when I’m through with it.”

“It is my last request that if I am to be executed, that I am spaced,” I insisted.

“I don’t know,” the Hutt grumbled. “Spacing is so quick. There’s really no enjoyment in watching it.”

“I said that I would kill her,” B’Sogg growled angrily. “She’s mine.”

“But that would be so messy,” I smiled back. “You don’t want to mess up Gordo’s nice decor here do you?”

The ersatz captain howled in rage and pressed the barrel of his blaster into my temple. I winced and turned away, but he kept it pressed into the side of my head.

“Very well,” the Hutt rumbled. “Because I like you, I will grant your last request.”

B’Sogg cursed at the Hutt. “Just let me shoot her, she deserves to die by my hand.”

“B’Sogg, you’ve been such a pill lately,” the Hutt sighed deeply. “Just throw her out the airlock already.”

With a huff, B’Sogg holstered his weapon. He waved over the guards who grabbed me by my arms.

“One last request,” I said.

“Do not push it,” Gordo rumbled.

“I am former military; I request that my execution be carried out by the military.”

“Very well,” the Hutt laughed. “Stormtroopers, take them away!”

The door slid open and four men encased in white armor strode up to us.

“Them?” Bandit repeated desperately as we were hauled out. “What do you mean ‘them?’ I don’t wanna get spaced!”

Intergalactic Update

Happy Fourth of July to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators.



To celebrate Independence Day, I participated in the Carnival of Liberals hosted by Dr. Zaius. Click here to read more. Dr, Zaius seems like a pretty cool fellow for a super evolved monkey, so it was an honor working with him.


I also have a new post over at SQT's Fantasy and Sci Fi Loving Blog, head on over there and give this a spin. The topic is about the use of military forces in science fiction.


And don't forget that we're down to our final two contestants on Last Gladiator Standing II. Voting for the winner will commence this weekend so don't forget to cast your vote. It's like the democratic process, only functional!

Party

Guest Poster Jan the Intergalactic Aviator

Continued from here.

It seemed like the party lasted for days, this Star Destroyer was obviously flying through warp to some destination but there was no way in this galaxy that I could determine where. Gordo the Hutt sat on a giant slab on the deck as dancing girls, jugglers, and about anything else you could imagine performed their entertaining routines.

Bandit was thoroughly enjoying his stay. He was essentially drinking anything he could get his hands on and hitting on anything that moved. And there was a lot of movement at the party, believe me.

I had a few drinks, but I was mostly just carrying one around to keep up appearances. I wanted everyone to think that I was enjoying myself, but I wanted to be in full control of my faculties if anything happened.

“Havin’ fun, angel?” Bandit slurred as he slid up next to me.

“Oh great fun,” I replied. “And don’t call me that.”

“Whatever you shay, kitten. This party is shwell.”

I felt the ship lurch out of warp speed suddenly. Many of the party goers, Bandit included, stumbled to keep their balance.

“The mighty Gordo the Hutt invites everyone to watch the viewscreen,” the protocol droid announced. “The great experiment will now commence.”

All eyes were on the viewscreen as the image of a freighter flicked onto it.

“This is the Rendall’s Ranger,” Captain B’Sogg announced. “Owned and operated by Kel Rendall and currently in the next sector from us.”

Stats on the ship and its location flashed up on side of the screen. The ship continued to hang in space near a small planet.

“Prepare to fire!” Gordo the Hutt announced in his own language. “Let’s see what your experiment with the power cores can do.”

“What?” I yelled as cheers swelled up from the party goers.

“Targeting,” B’Sogg announced as he hunched over a terminal. “Firing.”

The view on the screen showed a lance of energy striking the freighter. The rusty ship quickly erupted into a fireball. The crowd cheered even louder at the sight of the explosion.

“Looks like we have a successful demonstration,” B’Sogg announced glibly.

“How could you?” I growled as I rushed up next to him. “That’s inhuman!”

“Ha ha, do I look human to you?” he laughed back. “Do not worry, Rendall was working for a competitor of ours.”

“Unbelievable. You’re a monster!”

“Although I do appreciate your feistiness,” Gordo boomed. “You should still watch what you are saying.”

“I don’t care,” I yelled back at him as Bandit rushed up to try to quiet me. “You are a horrible, filthy, disgusting, evil bag of garbage and I don’t want to have anything else to do with you. We’re leaving.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” Bandit held up his hands. “What the pretty lady here is trying to say is that she hopes you’re satisfied with the BERE Cores and as soon as we receive our payment, we’d like to be on our way.”

“Shut up, jerk!” I pushed Bandit and he took a step back into the arms of a pair of guards. Two more guards swooped in and grabbed me.

“Heh heh, you are feisty.” The ersatz captain grabbed me by the cheek and leaned close. “I like your energy, but your attitude needs a bit of an adjustment.”

“Have your goons let go of me,” I spat back. “I’ll show you an adjustment.”

“I don’t think so.” His oily face was disgustingly close to mine. “Guards, lock them in their room. Hopefully she will come to appreciate her good fortune in a short while.”

“I don’t think so,” I struggled vainly as the two beefy sentries hauled me away. “You’re an ugly, evil bastard and you’re going to burn in Hell!”

“She doesn’t mean that,” Bandit called out while be hauled away himself. “Women you know, ha ha!”