Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Thank you everyone for having me here tonight. This is going to be an open discussion, so all questions are welcome. The first question will come from our esteemed Washington correspondent, Miss Clara Peller. Clara?
Helen Thomas: What is this, some kind of a joke?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: No. No joke.
Helen Thomas: Well then what makes you think you'd make a good president?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I couldn't be worse than what's in there now. Next question.
Professor Xavier: What is your position on subsidized daily back massages for educators?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Sounds like a great idea, sign me up.
Wolf Blitzer: What is your plan to decrease America's dependence on foreign oil?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: My plan has several factors, but the basic premise is to motivate our scientists and engineers to create new and safe sources of energy.
Wolf Blitzer: How do you plan to motivate them?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Free stuff. I know scientists love free stuff, I know I do. My administration will offer all kinds of free stuff to scientists like lunches, T-shirts, and LED key chains. Scientists will eat that stuff up.
Recent College Graduate: Hi, I'm a recent college graduate and I am worried that I won't be able to get a job because companies are now outsourcing to India.
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: To be fair, the citizens of Indiana need jobs, too. Ever wonder why they're called Hoosiers? That's such an odd word. Hoosier. Hoosier. How does one "Hoose" anyway?
Recent College Grauate: Not Indiana, India. All the jobs are going overseas.
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Oh, that India. Jobs going overseas is bad because it takes jobs away from people who need them right here in the United States. In my America, jobs will be available for all. A chicken in every pot and an Internet in every garage, I say.
Blockade Boy: My dear friend Storm Boy’s gay marriage to Dynamo Kid ended in a not-so-gay divorce. What’s your position on gay marriage?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I think all marriages should be gay but unfortunately they're not. Marriage takes a lot of hard work and commitment from all parties involved and I remember when my wife and I were first married, it wasn't gay at all. She just graduated from school and was student teaching, I had a low-paying job and we had to move into a small apartment in the ghetto. With a lot of hard work, though, our marriage is a lot happier now.
Blockade Boy: I have a follow-up question from Storm Boy. He wants to know if you endorse the use of a time bubble to prevent, say, a disastrous marriage from happening in the first place.”
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I cannot recommend the use of time travel in situations like this because of the potential for disaster outweighs the chances of success. It's like in that movie Timecop, Ron Silver touched a younger version of himself and then he went "Ahhh" and melted. Traveling to the past and touching yourself is rarely a good idea.
Bill Kurtis: Good afternoon, I'm Bill Kurtis. Would you care to comment on your service record? It appears that you missed several of your weekend drills while you served in the Army Reserves.
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I served honorably on active duty for three years until the end of my Term Of Service. I then joined the Reserves and served for another three years until I graduated college. While in the Reserves, I did serve faithfully and was even a key component in a real-world mission. After the three years, I transitioned into inactive reserves for personal reasons.
Bill Kurtis: I'm Bill Kurtis. You are quoted as saying that you were kicked out of the Army for the good of the country, would you care to elaborate?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I may have said that once. I thought it was funny at the time.
Pothead: Heh heh, you ever smoke pot, man?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: No. In college I had opportunities, but I never smoked marijuana.
Pothead: Heh heh, yeah, but I heard that they used to call you the Happy Hairy Highfather of Hippytown. Heh heh heh. That's funny.
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: What? That's ridiculous. Why would anyone call me that?
Pothead: Heh heh heh.
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Next question.
The Question: Are you going to keep the goverment policy going that connects Alien abductions with meta human fights In Area 51? It's all part of Micheal Jackson's sinister plan. Will you keep working with him and KFC if elected?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I am sure that all of these events are unrelated.
The Question: What about the secret cabal that reaches all the way back to ancient Egypt that, in cunjunction with Major League Baseball, puts flouride in the water in order to track us with satelites?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Uh... Next question.
Morgan Spurlock: Do you want to see me eat nothing but McDonalds for a month?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: At this time, I would say no.
Morgan Spurlock: How about Taco Bell Grilled Stuffed Burritos?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: I would really prefer not to.
Morgan Spurlock: What if I hook a car battery to my nipples. Do you want to see that?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Next question.
Snowman: I have a very important question about global warming. What do you plan to do to reduce it and ensure that my son has a long and happy life?
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Well of course, global warming is bad. I would like to refer back to my plan to motivate scientists to discover alternative energy sources.
Snowman: Yes, but it's so hot. Help me. Hellllp meeee....
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: You do realize that you are in a studio, right? The lights in here are blazing. Hey, are you OK?
Snowman: .....
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: That's all the time we have today, everyone. Thank you all for participating and don't forget to vote.
