Thursday, October 25, 2007

Outside Xavier's Mansion

After my brief meeting with Professor Xavier at his mansion concerning the scandal that I am currently embroiled in, it seemed very obvious to me that both parties in the picture were definitely imposters. I just needed to find a way to prove this. Additionally, I knew that when I next sleep, I very likely resume my dream quest of former presidents.

The Professor and Emma Frost accompanied Private Hudson and I the front door to his mansion. My trusty ship, the Danger Sled was parked in the faculty parking lot and I wanted to get moving right away. For some reason, the Professor never gives me a parking pass and then he complains when I actually find enough space to put my ship down. Why he doesn’t let me land it in the X-Hanger of his X-Mansion, I’ll never know.

Suddenly, we heard a slight mewing sound. It was difficult to pinpoint at first, but Wolverine quickly ran out and sniffed out the source with his keen animal senses.

“Up there,” he pointed. “There’s a flamin’ cat stuck up in that tree!”

“Who’s cat is that?” the Professor demanded.

“I don’t know,” Emma replied. “I haven’t seen it around here before. Could be a stray. Here kitty, kitty kitty!”

“How may I help you?” Kitty Pryde appeared next to us, still adorned in her skimpy attire.

“Not now, Kitty,” the Professor scolded. “We are dealing with a situation here.”

Kitty shrugged and walked away as the cat mewed at us again from its perch.

“This calls for a Fastball Special!” Wolverine declared as his claws popped out with their signature sound. “Colossus, where are ya?”

“Da tovarich.” The burly Russian quickly changed into his armored form, scooped up Wolverine, and prepared to aim his comrade at the cat.

“Wait, wait, that’s not going to work,” the Professor waived them off. “I shall mentally command the cat to jump into my lap.”

“That’s not going to work, either,” Emma countered. “What if the wind pushes the cat away? You’ll never catch it, you’re not exactly known for your physical abilities.”

“I’ll have you know, I once played right field in little league,” he replied as more of his X-Men began to gather around. “I certainly have caught my fair share of fly balls.”

“Yeah well catching cats is a whole different animal than catching balls,” Wolverine growled and once again popped his claws. “I’ll just cut it down with my claws.”

“No, I’ll turn into my diamond form and punch the tree,” Emma stepped in front of him. “When the cat falls, you catch him.”

“Punching trees? Whoever heard of such a stupid thing,” Hudson snorted, then hefted his weapon. “This is a situation where you call in the marines. The marines and their M41A Pulse Rifles.”

“No, I’ll freeze the tree,” Iceman offered.

“I’ll t’row one o’ my ‘sposive cards at it, mon ami,” Gambit offered.

“I shall call the rains down from the heavens!” Storm declared. “The cat will not want to get wet and will come down to seek refuge.”

“That would be a foolish action to take,” Beast countered. “There are those of us here who would not care to be drenched in water as well. I am certainly capable of climbing that tree to retrieve the wayward feline.”

“Nein, mein freunde,” Nightcrawler stopped the Beast. “You are too large for ze tree. I shall teleport up zhere to get ze Katze.”

“You can’t do that,” Jean Summers said. “With all those tree branches, you won’t be able to find a safe place to teleport to. I’ll just use my telekinesis to float up there and get it.”

“Listen everybody, please,” the Professor announced loudly. “I am the leader of the X-Men and it is imperative that you follow my instructions to save this cat.”

“Yeah, but I’m the field leader,” Cyclops insisted. “And since we’re in a field, I say that I have jurisdiction over this operation.”

“Like heck I’m gonna follow you, pantywaist.” Wolverine popped his claws with a metallic snikt.

“Please can’t we all just get along?” Forge stepped up. “I can go to my workshop and make a null-grav ladder and climb up there and get the cat.”

“Silence, everybody!” the Professor shouted. “This is how we’re going to do it. Beast, you check that tree over there for cats, Nightcrawler, you scout that one. Cyclops, order Jean to lift Emma up there to get the cat. Wolverine and Colossus, you stand guard here in case the cat jumps.”

"Sehr gut." With a cloud of smoke, Nightcrawler disapeared into the darkness.

“Fine,” Wolverine growled.

“Da, comrade,” Colossus nodded.

“Iceman, Gambit, and Storm, you stand ready as reserves just in case this is a Sentinel trap.”

“You got it,” Iceman punched his fist into his open palm for emphasis. “Hey, wait, that guy’s up there already!”

The X-Men astonishingly looked up the tree and saw a figure already up there.

“Jon?” Xavier called out. “Is that you?”

“Yeah!” I called back. “I just about got ‘em.”

Scooping up the cat and cradling it in my arms, I made my way back to the ground. With a sneeze, I handed the cat over to Emma.”

“Stupid cats make me sneeze,” I muttered while rubbing my nose.

“Oh, what a darling kitty!” Emma snuggled her face into the cat.

“That’s hot,” Hudson whistled.

“Jon, thank you for your help,” the Professor said. “But clearly I had the situation under control.”

“No no, don’t thank me,” I answered. “I’m just doing my part.”

“Yes, well, I said we had the situation under control,” the Professor repeated. “I was just about to deploy my X-Men to retrieve the cat.”

“Yeah I know,” I shrugged. “It just seems that I don’t help out enough with the small things, you know. I’m always fighting the next big fight but I think that was the first time I ever got a cat down from a tree like that. It was really refreshing. Except for the sneezing part, of course.”

“Well in that case, I would like to make you an honorary member of the X-Men,” Xavier declared. “With your abilities and quick thinking, you would be a great addition to the team.”

“Really?” I asked. “You’re really gonna make me an X-Man?”

“No!” the Professor shouted. “Now get your damn ship out of my faculty parking lot!”


Professor Xavier said...


Looks like I'm going to have to write a new program for the Danger Room.

mwb said...

Hmmm. Kitty, Emma and Jean...

What sorry? Were you saying something?

I'm afraid I drifted off into a "daydream."

Fluke Starbucker said...

I don't get this whole 'saving a cat from a tree' thing.

When was the last time ANYONE saw a cat skeleton in a tree?

That's right, never!

Now class, do you know why no one has ever seen a cat skeleton in a tree?

It's because cats can get down when they want to.

You didn't save the cat... you likely annoyed it.

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A Army Of (Cl)One said...


Good job saving that cat Jon. Now send it to an animal shelter when it can be put to sleep. That would be doing a service to socity.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

A hilarious post for my Quality Post List! They can't even get a cat from a tree!

Vince Briefs said...

the X-men Have serious problems I see.

Dr. Zaius said...

I think that the reason that Professor Xavier won't let you park the Danger Sled© in the X-Hanger is because of that unfortunate fender bender three years ago. Or have you forgotten? I think that you should have let Hudson use his M41A Pulse Rifle - On himself.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Professor X -- To be fair, the X-Men are really good at saving a world that fears them. Even if they may not be so good at the little stuff.

MWB -- Yeah, I know what you're talkin' about -- Downtown!

Fluke -- I never thought that the cat didn't want to be saved. Hmm. Maybe I'll remember that the next time.

Adam -- You bad, bad man. I am going to have to send Emma over there to mindwipe you.

AOC -- To the shelter it goes!

Captain Picard -- Thanks for puting this on your list!

Vince -- Yeah, but then again they're pretty good at saving a world who fears them and all. Even though they seem to trash the place while they do it.

Dr. Zaius -- I can explain that fender bender, you see...

Magneto said...

You see why the X-Men are pathetic fools who are helpless before my might and majesty!

Justice said...

I do hope that cat wasnt Shiara or one of the AOC clone cats