“Yes, honey?” I answered.
“Did you happen to see today’s headline?”
“Uh, yeah, I think I did,” I answered. “Was it about the Cubs getting swept? Sucks doesn’t it?”
“Ahem. No, that’s not what I was looking at.”
“Uh, was it--?” I looked at my beautiful wife who looks kind of like a cross between Maggie Gyllenhaal and Xena the Warrior Princess.
“What the frack is this?” She ground her teeth with each word. “What the hell. Are. You. Doing?”
Aw jeez, she’s seen it. It looks like all of the papers have this picture. Where did this come from? OK, Jon, you know this is a fake. Now all you have to do is convince your wife and the love of your life of this. You have to think fast.
“You know that’s not me,” I replied a little too quickly than I wanted. “You know this is some sort of Photoshop or something, right?”
“Really?” She didn’t look like she believed me. “You said that you were running for president of the United States. Instead you’re just running around and sleeping with whores. I can’t believe this.”
“That’s not me,” I insisted. “Honey, you know we’ve been through a lot. You know I’m not going to pull anything like this on you. Right?”
She breathed out heavily at me. I think there was a growl in there.
“OK, OK,” I said. “You know me. You know I wouldn’t do this. That’s not me. You should be able to tell that, honey. You know my body. That isn’t me.”
She looked at the picture. She squinted and looked at it carefully. She looked at me. I saw her face soften just a little bit.
“It does look like you. Kind of.”
“Yeah, but not exactly, right?” I said. “When I look at you, I think of the life we’ve built. I think of our daughter and our baby son. I think of your beautiful body, that delicate neck that looks so good with that one necklace, your awesome milk-swollen breasts. You’re my MILK. You’re the only Mother I’d Like to Kiss. I won’t just throw that away. I couldn’t just throw that away.”
“You’re right,” my wife finally concluded with confidence. Then I saw the anger flash again. “So who is this?”
“I don’t know,” I answered. “Professor Xavier is working on it. He knows someone’s trying to create a scandal. He says that he can take care of this.”
“But who would do this to you?”
“I don’t know,” I said again. “Take your pick. It could be anyone running against me.”
“Oh yeah?” she answered. “When you find out. You. Let. Me. Know.”
Fanboys, you may salivate.
As many of my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators know, I became an Intergalactic Gladiator to save my planet. Yet sometimes I have to think that maybe I became one because the universe wouldn’t be able to handle Patricia the Intergalactic Gladiator.
Sunday, October 07, 2007