Wednesday, October 10, 2007

To Join the Press Conference, Press "Conference"

“Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for being here today. I’ve been working hard on my campaign. But I want to say one thing to the American people. I want you to listen to me. I'm going to say this again. I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Frost. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people.”

“We’ve all heard that line before. How do we know you’re telling the truth?”

“Because I cannot tell a lie. I know that sounds pretty farfetched in this day and age, but that’s how I roll. Oh, and I’d also like to apologize for saying ‘that’s how I roll.’”

“Jon, Jon! What about the pictures? It clearly looks like you two shared an intimate moment.”

“I must reiterate. That was not me. I am the victim of some insidious plot to discredit myself and my campaign.”

“So you’re saying that you don’t know who the person in this picture is?”

“That depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.”

“Oh come on, are you trying pull something here?”

“Well, I guess that depends on what your definition of the word ‘pull’ is.”

“Isn’t it true, Jon, that Emma Frost was in your campaign headquarters?”

“Yes, I, uh, had a series of dreams and she was monitoring them. She watched me sleep and that was all that happened.”

“I’m Bill Kurtis, would you care to comment on the rumors that you think these dreams are some sort of spirit quest to gain the characteristics of past presidents?”

“Where would you hear a rumor like that?”

“On the Internet.”

“Uh, right. Well, there are many wonders in this world and the human mind is one of them. That’s all I care to say about that at the time.”

“So you were with her, at night, asleep in your bed and nothing happened?”

“That’s right. That’s what I said.”

“Yeah, but she’s totally hot, man.”

“Hudson? What are you doing here?”

“Hey, I’m a reporter, man. I write for the Colonial Marine Times. Do you or do you not think that Emma Frost is totally or totally not hot or not?”

“Wait. What are you asking?”

“Don’t you think she’s hot?”

“Well sure. I can control my urges though. Can’t anyone around here control his or her urges? Am I the only one?”

“What are you some sort of phony Intergalactic Gladiator?”

“What kind of question is that? Are you some kind of idiot or something?”

“I sink you should enjoy haffing zex wit’ Emma Frost, but keep it clean und use a condom.”

“Yeah, but I said I didn’t do it. Are you even still alive?”

“Oh yes, and I would also enjoy having sex with Emma Frost, but I would keep it clean and use a condom.”

“Ah, the mental image! I didn’t want to hear that.”

“Oh, I know how to turn a gal on. You gotta talk dirty to her like this: So anyway I'd be rubbing your big [beep] and getting your [beeps] really hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind...and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd just put it on your [beep] but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business... ”

“I don’t want to hear that, either! This press conference is over.”

I stepped off the stage and moved out of sight of the reporters. I saw Professor Xavier who was sitting in his wheelchair and watching the whole conference.

“Well?” I threw my arms up, kind of perturbed that my conference didn’t go as well as planned.

The Professor, in return, gave me one of those slow, sarcastic rounds of applause.

“Ha. Thanks.”

“I have to admit, I’ve seen better. Don’t worry though, Jon. I think I know where the pictures came from.”


Black Widow said...

yeah he prob did it to make you popular with the teen boys who now see you as their hero

Karn said...

All of a sudden, i feel dirty.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

That was a hard-hitting press conference!

Dr. Zaius said...

You should have called on Jeff Gannon. He would have given you some softball questions to diffuse the situation.

? said...

I smell a conspiracy. To the Question Mobile!
What? That's what I call my Dodge Charger.

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

Oh yeah, Dr. Ruth and Emma, ohh baby ummmm oh yeah .... What A guy can dream can't he?