Happenin' Halloween Party at Germaine's Pad

Germaine Gregarious is having a Halloween party and I am so there. Her parties are always so awesome and yes I know technically she’s my opponent in the presidential race, but her parties are so awesome. Did I mention her parties are awesome?

As a side note, contrary to reports on the matter, I did not throw up all over Germaine’s nice carpeting at her last party. I am too much of a gentleman for such nasty behavior. I am also such a gentleman that I apologized politely after that one loud, wet burp during said party. Thank you.

So the first thing that I have to do is get my costume together. The one I had from last year turned out pretty well, but I’m looking for something with a little more oomph in the kick butt department, if you know what I mean. Fortunately for me, I live only about a mile from Chicago’s biggest costume shop with the Midwest’s biggest selection of costumes. Open late to serve you better!

Here’s my costume, I picked it myself. I don’t play the HALO game myself because sometimes it feels too much like real life for me with the fighting aliens and the shooting and running. Who wants to play some computer game that simulates what you do in real life anyway? Despite that, I hear that it’s all the rage with the kids these days and I’m hep to that, cats.

Unfortunately, I think there was some kind of a screw up because this is what I got.

Happy Halloween, everyone.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: I Support Jon

When I look out at who’s running for president of the United States of America in this election, a lot of things come to mind.

The first thing that comes to mind is “Which candidate has the credentials to save us from a Wendigo attack?” I can only think of one person: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most qualified to protect our country from radioactive meteors or other threats from space?” Intelligent symbiotes and other powerful alien threats have set their sites on our planet and the United States in particular. We need someone who’s ready for this challenge and that somebody is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The third thing that I think about is “Which candidate is most prepared to deal with a time-displaced pirate ship?” I think the answer is obvious to all: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The next thing that I think about when I think of who I should vote for in this election is “Which candidate is ready to negotiate with foreign powers – foreign powers who conventionally have not been negotiated with in the past – foreign powers located deep beneath the sea? Also, which candidate is capable of handling threats like the magically powerful avatar of Cyttorak?” That answer again, is Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator.

The final thing that I think about is “Which candidate would I like to totally make out with in a hot Orlando nightclub?” Sure Dr. Zaius is up there with his musky manly (Apey?) chest, but the answer again must be Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. Too bad he’s married. Sigh, a girl can dream though, right?

That is why I, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, am pleased to announce that I fully support Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator for president of the United States. He’s got the good people, believe me. One time I saw him attack a Golan IV space station single handedly and capture the commander after battling through waves of defense droids and station technicians. Sure, later he found out that he attacked the wrong one and was like “Ooops, sorry” but seeing him in action against all those troops from Pacifar IX was a sight to behold.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a man of action, thank you and good night.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress. I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message, er well sort of. Seriously, why'd she have to talk about that whole deal from Pacifar IX?

Issues

My fellow Americans, there are a lot of important issues being talked about right now. Seems like issues are kind of like the weather – there’s a lot of talking about the issues, but no one’s doing anything about the issues.

(Hold for laughter)

That’s why I am here tonight, to talk about one very important issue facing our country today – the economy. Let me assure you that my economic plan is way better than all the other candidates. Way, way better. Totally better. Is it a million times better, as my daughter would ask? A million is a lot and that’s tough to gauge, but at this juncture I would like to say yes. Yes, it is.

When I talked to Joe the Plumber the other day, he was worried about losing his job and his home because of our current economic troubles. Well I say to you now, Joe the Plumber, yes we can! Yes we can fight for a better America, yes we can fight for a better tomorrow, yes we can do our jobs and come home safe and secure in the fact that our homes are our own.

Thank you.

There’s another issue facing this campaign and it’s one of character. Someone likes to think that he or she and his or her running mate are mavericks and that it’s going to take a maverick to stick it to those lazy fatcats in Washington. But let me tell you right now, they are not the mavericks, I am the maverick.

See?

That’s right, I’m the maverick. I’m so far out of Washington that they don’t even see me coming. I’m that mavericky of a maverick. I am more of a maverick than all the other mavericks and their maverickocity doesn’t even come close to my mavericktude. My maverick is maverick maverick. As Papa Maverick used to say on the Mavericks, one of my favorite cartoons when I was growing up “Maverick for your lives, my little Mavericks.” Maverick maverick maverick.

Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick, maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick… maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick. Maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick maverick; averick maverick (maverick maverick maverick) maverick maverick.

So in conclusion, maverick.

Thank you and goodnight.

Ladies and gentlemen, esteemed colleagues, loyal supporters, members of the press. I stand before you today with a very important message to everyone.

In these difficult times, symbols become an important part of defining who we are. For instance, the American flag lapel pin. Many proud citizens of the United States do not wear an American flag lapel pin, but often when one is under the scrutiny of the public eye it becomes clear that people look for these images to portray strong character and a sense of patriotism.

Now I would hardly think that my patriotism would ever come into question. I love my country. I have proudly served in the armed forces and was a key component in the alternate reserve backup backup plan for the ground campaign of Operation Desert Storm. Additionally, I was in the front charge in 1991’s Operation Dessert Storm and was personally responsible for securing several crates of baklava as well as two bunkers containing high levels of tiramisu.

I would hardly think that my patriotism would come into question and yet it has. There are questions being asked right now whether or not I am fit to lead this country because I did not wear a lapel pin to a recent beach party. I would like to assure you all right here and now that the fact that I did or did not wear a lapel pin should not be the one sole factor in judging whether or not I have the competence necessary be the president of the United States. There are many, many other factors that should be used to judge my competence.

Despite that, I find it necessary to wear a lapel pin at this time.


Am I caving to pressure? I am not, I already own this lapel pin and I would wear it anyway. It’s not like I went to some specialty American Flag lapel pin shop located near Kostner and Belmont and asked for one that was slightly larger than the flags worn by my esteemed opposition.


“But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,” you might say. “That American flag lapel pin certainly looks big but I think I’ve seen bigger. A real American would wear a bigger American flag lapel pin.” Well you may be right; you may be wrong. Who’s to say? All I can say is, well I just happen to have a slightly larger lapel pin that I could wear as well.


But then you might say “But Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I’ve seen some of the people you’re running against and I think one of them have an American flag lapel pin about that size as well.” Well maybe they do and maybe they don’t, but I’ll betcha they don’t have one this size.


But then you might think that maybe, just maybe someone has an American flag lapel pin this size as well. Well let me assure you that I will not be outdone. Like Casey Jones or John Henry or Norton P. Bismarck, I am not going to let one little bump in the road dissolve my resolve. That’s why I have this American flag lapel pin.


Does size matter? In some instances, yes it does.

Thank you and good night.

God Bless My Underpants

God bless my Underpants
And when I get the chance
In them I dance
And when I take this stance
My package is enhanced
I saw you take a glance
God bless my underpants

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom. A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress. I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message.

“I’m not so sure this sends the message that we want to send,” Professor Xavier looked at me skeptically.

“Are you kidding?” I replied. “We’re going after the underpants vote and I’m going to get them.”

“I just think that it may be a little too personal,” he said. “Asking a candidate if he likes boxers or briefs is one thing but this seems to go a little too far.”

“I know I know,” I held up my hands. “It’s a little risqué, but it’s not like I’m up on a stage shooting bottle rockets out of my butt or something.”

The Professor looked at me.

“Have you shot bottle rockets out of your butt?” he asked after a long pause.

“I’d rather not answer that,” I replied.

“Still, I understand that at this point we need to reach out to different groups and I realize that we’re at a critical juncture in our campaign, but I don’t know. I just don’t think this ad is what we’re looking for right now.”

“Well I like it,” Emma Frost poked her head into the room.

“You would,” Xavier sighed.

Mr. E'S Secret blog post providing important information to you now

Good day to you all, I am Mr. E. Do not attempt to discern who my real identity is, cuz it will remain a mystery to all (get it, mystery, Mr. E?). I have commandeered this blog using my awesome haxxing skills (it was easier than programming a sentry gun, ha ha lol) to give you some very important information.

This information may come as a shock to you, but it is information that you need to see. These are for real true pictures of vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin that are unretouched and un manipulalated.



Sarah Palin has lots of guns and she totally loves posing with her guns in a bikini. Remember that movie Tremors with that hot momma with all the guns in her basement? It's like that but only in Alaska.

Sarah Palin hates mooses. In fact, one time she shot a moose just for snoring too loud.


Sarah Palin was also the original Pink Ranger but then she was kicked out of the Power Rangers for shooting animals in the Alaska Wildlife Conservation Center with the laser guns of her Zord.

Like I said these are all for real real life super true pictures that clearly show that Sarah Palin is a total nut. Now normally I like hot chicks with guns like this one time I saw this pretty lady on Arcturous XII and she had this huge gun and I'm all like "Hey baby, I'm Priva-- er, I'm Mr. E, wanna go grab a burger?" And then she was all like "Tee hee hee." It was something, I tell you.

Except when you're crasy and you have guns, that's not good.

I'm Mr. E, thank you and goodnight.

Summer of iDoodles, Part Ten!

Here we go for another round, it's like a carrousel -- a carrousel of awesome!


Hotstuff the lil Devil wants to see a picture of him laughing at Megneto's helmet.


Iron Boy wants to see him, X23, and Hotstuff all in jazzercise outfits. OK, dude whatever floats your boat, man.

Keep those swell ideas coming, kids!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Nine

OK, who's next? Bring it on, Khan!

Update! MWB wants to see Bush and McCain out on dates together. Now of course, these man-dates are strictly platonic because both Bush and McCain are married and we know that all good Republicans who are married do not engage in homosexual activities.
Here they are running on the beach together.

Here's the ice cream soda that they're about to share.

Here they are showing off the sweet new tats that they just went and got together.

And here's the baby seal that they are about to club together because it got all caught up in their oil spill. Bad baby seal! Stay out of George Bush's blood oil!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Nine

All right kids, who's looking for an iDoodle? I got one for yah, right here.

Update! Dr. Zaius wants to see Freida Bee kicking Sarah Palin's butt. Which is as great a time as any to let you know that Jan the Intergalactic Aviator just met vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin over at The Amazing Mutant Race 4. Go check it out, OK.


OK, I'm not exactly sure if Frieda Bee would actually wear combat boots and fishnets, but I think it's hot. I mean, that's what I'd wear if I wanted to look hot kicking someone's butt like that.


Professor X wanted to see Jan the Intergalactic Aviator's ship the Pegasus Elite blow up Gambit while he's fighting a Wendigo. Coincidentally, you can also read about that in the Amazing Mutant Race 4!

Summer of iDoodles, Part Seven

Ok, who wants an iDoodle? Come one, come all. Step right up folks, one size fits all satisfaction guaranteed all sales are final.

Update! Vince wants to see Gyrobo battling a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot.

Summer of iDoodles, PART SIX!

OK, ladies and gentlemen, here we go. I'm doing another week of iDoodles just for you. Send in your suggestions right now!

On Friday's post, Captain Picard asked how the high gas prices would affect the Enterprise. Well here you go.

Surf's Up, Dudes!

If there are two things in this world that I like, it’s a beach party and bacon. If you could somehow get the two together, well then I’d be in heaven.

That’s why when I heard that Dr. Zaius and Dr. Smith were having a beach party, I knew that I had to be there. Sure I got a little sidetracked along the way, but shortly thereafter I had my plate of bacon and I was on the beach.

Of course I got into my swimsuit; it’s this modest little number that I like to wear. I almost put it on backwards though, boy would I have been embarrassed!

Funny thing though is, I don’t see anyone here? Where is everybody? You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you all to hell!

Ha ha, just kidding everyone. It was a swell party and I even got the chance to surf a little.

Hang ten dudes! And I know what you’re thinking, can I really hang ten? Of course I can, I have all of my toes. Six on one foot, four on the other.

Oh oh, is there some kind of horrible, radioactive monster from the bottom depths of the ocean going to ruin the party?

Naw, don’t worry about it. Nothing to see here.

OK, special announcement Junior Intergalactic Gladiators. It’s the end of summer and to cap it off I’m going to do one more week of awesome Froodleicious iDoodles. Get your thinking caps on and come up with a good idea for me to draw next week.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part X

I looked at the stream of hipster zombies shuffling in through the doors to the mall. I looked back down the hall where more of the undead lurched towards us as well. I needed a plan.

“OK, here’s what we do,” I said. “Jim, you’re the biggest one here among us. We need to get you something that you can plow through them with, I’ll be right behind you with my gun. The doctor here and Kyle will follow behind.”

“Uh uh.” He shook his head. “Nothin’ doing.”

“We’ll find you a pole or part of a bench or something,” I explained. “Just barrel through ‘em and I’ll shoot any who get to close.”

“I said I’m not doing it,” he insisted. “I’m a running back, I don’t lead block.”

“Lives are on the line, man,” Kyle moaned. “C’mon, we gotta get out of here.”

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block,” he repeated, carefully emphasizing the last three words.”

“You have any better ideas?” Dr. Porter asked.

“I’m telling you, I don’t lead block, man. You ever play football? You’d know.”

“Well, I was third string wide receiver on a wishbone offense in high school,” I said. “I would have been a great receiver if only I could run and catch.”

“Yeah, I thought so,” he growled.

“Jim, please,” Dr. Porter looked into his eyes. “You know we’ve got to get out of here. If you can think of any better way I’m all for it, but we have to get moving.”

The former college all star looked back at her and sighed. “All right, I’ll do it. What should I use?”

We all looked around for something he might use for a battering ram.

“Uh, there’s that bench over there,” pointed Kyle. Then he added “Uh… surrounded by all the zombies.”

“Or… uh… let’s see…” I couldn’t find anything else either.

“Some plan,” Jim growled.

“Well, it’s a good plan in theory,” I replied.

“Yeah, in theory,” Dr. Porter repeated.

We saw as the sarcastically mumbling undead scenesters made their way towards us. Slowly, they shuffled. Inch by inch, they drew nearer.

“Well? Any other plans?” Jim asked.

“We’re going to have to fight our way through,” I said grimly. “I don’t think my blaster has enough charge left for much longer.”

“Well, it’s been good knowing you.” Jim cracked his knuckled. His whole body tensed as he readied himself to spring into action. Like a panther, ready to pounce on its prey, his eyes glared with steely resolve.

“Yeah, it’s been nice,” Dr. Porter smiled weakly.

Suddenly, the glass doors exploded as Jim’s car came crashing through. With Eve behind the wheel, the car rammed through or drove over any of the undead unlucky enough to be in the way. And just to add insult to injury she did a donut, smoking the tires and spinning the car around the mall floor before skidding to a stop with zombies scattered in every direction.

Eve rolled down the window and leaned out. “Get in!” She hollered with unusual determination.

“You don’t have to tell us twice,” Kyle answered as we dashed for the car. He and the doctor piled into the back.

“Move over,” Jim said as he opened the driver’s side door.

“I’m driving!” Eve growled back at him.

“Well OK then,” Jim shrugged and made his way around the front of the car to get into the passenger’s seat.

Eve stomped on the gas pedal and the tires squealed again. She spun around in circles sending anything left coming towards us flying through the air before heading back through the shattered glass doors again.

“Wahooo!” Kyle hollered and the car shot towards the access road.

Hours later, Eve was still driving and heading towards the sunrise. Dr Porter, Kyle, and Jim were dozing in their seats and I shifted uncomfortably. Eve clicked on the radio and we heard a reporter deliver a stern report:

“Authorities are unable to determine the cause of the mysterious outbreak that hit Happy Valley and though the military and FEMA have been mobilized, they assure us that it has been contained within the confines of the city. No survivors have been found but authorities are still combing the area.”

“Heh, ‘mysterious outbreak,’” Eve repeated, her voice dripping disdain. “That wasn’t exactly a bad case of the flu we faced back there.”

“Some people aren’t prepared to hear about what happened in Happy Valley,” I replied. “I don’t excuse anyone for covering this up but there’s a lot of people who just aren’t ready to hear some of what’s going on out there.”

“Yeah? Like what?”

“I dunno,” I shrugged. “The existence of extraterrestrial life.”

“Extraterrestrial life?” she laughed. “Shyeah right. I’ll believe that when I see it.”

The end

…?

NIght of the Living Hipsters, Part IX

Jim Daniels was sprawled on the floor of the Happy Valley Mall with his hands on the control panel to the escalator. The undead hipster formerly known as Officer Reed loomed over him. I was 30 feet away with my hands on the extension cord, itching to plug in our impromptu trap.

Tense moments ticked by as the creature awkwardly stared down at Daniels.

Daniels stared back up at the creature.

The thing jerkily reached towards the former running back.

A bead of sweat reflected off Jim’s dark forehead.

Tense moments ticked by.

“Now!” Jim yelled and he rolled away from the metal staircase. I quickly complied and plugged in the cord. Sparks crackled and popped from the metal stairs as the creatures on them flailed about. Acrid smoke and the smell of death filled the air.

“Wow,” Kyle mumbled in stunned amazement. “That was—”

“Disgusting,” Dr. Porter finished.

“Better them than me,” Daniels said as he limped back to the group.

“You going to be OK on that thing?” I asked him.

“I’m not going to win any 100 yard dashes, but I’ll make it,” he grunted back.

I dialed up Eve on my Wristcomm. “Meet us by the loading dock, we’re heading out the back door.”

“Uh, OK,” she replied and I disconnected the call.

We dashed to the door and threw it open. Unfortunately, we were now face to face with a throng of the undead hipsters. I shot the first one in the face as we turned and ran back where we came from with me firing back at them. At the end of the hall, another scenester zombie stepped in front of us and I flipped the pistol from my left hand to my right and shot it in the head as well.

We made our way back to the main floor. Smoking hipster corpses clogged the escalator but more drudged around the floor. Some were drinking coffee in an undead mockery of life. Others dully grabbed for cinnamon buns in a display case, only to be stopped by the glass. Those who saw us stumbled towards us.

“I think we’re trapped,” Kyle said dejectedly.

“Sucks to be us,” muttered Daniels.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part VIII

The undead hipsters were shuffling jerkily into the mall. Dead eyed, with blank, disenfranchised looks on their faces they scanned the area looking for their prey.

“Hey! Over here!” I yelled from the top of the escalator. “Hemp shoulder bags and hoodies for everyone up here!”

“Get him…” one mumbled.

“Get him…” another mumbled.

“Oh yeah, he’s cool,” a third mumbled sarcastically.

The moaning group shambled en masse towards the revolving staircase as I dashed back to the group huddled by the power outlet.

“Wait for them… wait for them…” Jim Daniels murmured. Dr. Porter nervously bit her lip.

“Now!” Kyle yelled as the undead neared the top. I quickly plugged the extension cord running from the escalator control panel into the wall socket.

Nothing happened.

I tried it again, but still nothing happened.

“It’s loose, over there.” Dr. Porter pointed to the wiring at the panel.

I cursed under my breath as I stood up to run over to it. Jim stopped me.

“I’m going,” he announced.

“But your leg…” I said.

“With a bum knee I’m still faster than you. Don’t plug it in until I’m clear.”

Before I could say anything else, he made a mad dash for the metal panel. His knee buckled halfway but that didn’t stop him from diving for his target. Jim began to fumble with the wiring and was almost done when he looked up to see who was at the top of the escalator.

The hipster formerly known as Officer Reed was bearing down on him.

Night of the Living Hipsters, Part VII

“Do you think Reed will come back here?” Dr. Porter asked with a shiver. “He’s around here somewhere.”

Dr. Porter, Kyle, and I were gathering up the food for our journey out of the city. Dawn was nearly upon us and the undead hipsters were loitering around outside the mall, gazing inside with sullen, dead eyes and smoking cigarettes by the curb of the parking lot.

“I don’t know,” I shook my head. “He – or it – hasn’t shown up since he transformed into that creature. I just don’t understand what’s driving their minds. Clearly, they’re trying to infect others to be like them but he’s not relentlessly attacking us like you think he would. Why do they behave like this?”

“I don’t know.” I saw a hint of a tear well up in her eye. “He was a good man, he didn’t deserve a fate like that. Whatever he was is gone now.”

“You guys forgot one thing,” Kyle piped up. “Even if we don’t see him in here, how are we going to get out with all of them outside like that?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll get you out, suckers,” a voice called out. I quickly reached for my pistol, but when I saw who it was, I relaxed.

“Daniels, what are you doing here?” I asked.

“I snuck in the back way.” He jammed his thumb towards a door marked employees only.

“Yeah but won’t those things come through that door as well?” Dr. Porter asked.

“Naw, I rolled a dumpster in front of ‘em,” he laughed. “They won’t get through that.”

“What about Eve?” I asked.

“Eve’s in the car in the tire shop waiting for us,” he replied. “The car’s ready to go.”

“You shouldn’t have left her alone in there,” Dr. Porter said.

“Don’t worry,” he laughed. “Those things are staying far away from that place.”

“She still shouldn’t be alone,” Dr. Porter insisted. “Poor girl.”

“I think I have an idea,” I said. “It’s risky, but it may be our only chance.”

Jim followed me down the escalator and I pointed out the undead congregating outside.

“It’s like they’re waiting or something,” he said.

“Yeah, I don’t know what for,” I shrugged. “But this is my idea. We can’t outfight them, they’re too many, but we can draw them back up this escalator here and electrocute them while they’re on it.”

“Think we can do it?” he asked.

“I think so, if I can get an extension cord or some cable, I can wire the whole thing,” I replied. “We can run the cord to one of these outlets.”

The four of us quickly went to work and rigged the metal stairway. Our work was soon done and we sat down for a quick break.

“I’ve been here a long time,” Daniels blew out his breath. “I grew up here in the city, you know. It was rough, it was a ghetto. I got that football scholarship and I ran away. I kept on running for four years, too. I was the best running back in college and I sure as hell was ready to do the same in the pros. I was gonna be big. My first big game and someone tackles me low… takes out my knee.”

Daniels let out a short laugh.

“That was it. Three surgeries later and I still can barely run on it. Nothing much else to do, so I moved back home and opened up that youth center. Lot of kids needed help, but then the neighborhood started to change. First all those artists and the musicians came in, then the developers. The area was gentrified and the people who needed my help the most got pushed further away. Maybe what’s going on out there is the city pushing back.”

Dr. Porter let out a short laugh as well. “Maybe you’re right. I opened that clinic to help people and the people who needed the help the most soon couldn’t afford to live here. Think about all those people who lost their homes when this mall was built.”

“Happy Valley, indeed,” I snorted.

“I was all in favor of this mall when it was being built,” Kyle stated flatly. “Big new shopping center, get rid of the lower income housing, bring money back to the area. I thought we needed it. I guess those politicians and land developers weren’t thinking of the little people when they were thinking of the big bucks. Makes you think, doesn’t it.”

Jim looked at Dr. Porter. “Our date may have been ruined last night, but I promise you that as soon as we get out of here, I’m taking you out for the night of your life.”

“You got it,” she smiled back at him. “Only no horror movies, I can’t stand watching them.”

We all started to laugh until we heard glass crashing.

“What was that?” Kyle asked.

“What do you think?” Jim answered.

“Here they come!” I yelled. One of the undead hipsters threw a garbage can through the glass doors and the whole group was awkwardly shuffling into the mall.