As I, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, your Man of Action sit here in my hi-tech campaign headquarters located in the heart of Chicago, I am appalled by some of the information that has come in about some of my
extinguished distinguished colleagues with whom I am running against.
My opponents like to talk, in fact they're doing a lot of talking but not talking about the issues. I have issues. Issues to talk about, that is. for example, everyone has a dark secret in his or her past -- I'm talking about trouble with the law. I've made no secret of the fact that I once had to serve eight hours of community service for an improper lane change. I'm not proud of my actions, but I did it and I own up to that and I am being honest and forthright about what happened.
But what about my the pasts of my opponents? For instance:
Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein was once a wanted man. For what we don't know as all of the records seem to have disappeared. The reward offered seems awfully significant though, doesn't it? A private eye, er I mean an associate of mine was only able to dig up an old copy of this wanted poster outside of a Mobile home in Alabama. Dr. Monkey, what could you possibly have done in Alabama that would warrant such a high reward for your capture?
Dr. Smith once led the sheriff’s department of Miami-Dade County on a wild car chase through the interstates of Florida. When he was finally apprehended, the glove compartment of his automobile was found filled to the brim with Methamphetamines, OxyContin, and marshmallow fluff. What was the marshmallow fluff in there for and why isn't Dr. Smith talking?
This image of Sleestak is horrific enough, but what it is we are left to wonder. Sleestak, why don't you come clean about your shady past involving a trumpet and a bizarre one eyed alien thing?
My opponents are being very quiet about what's really going on, but I'm not. Your Man of Action is talking, and he's talking about stuff.