Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Campaign Update From your Man of Action



As I, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, your Man of Action sit here in my hi-tech campaign headquarters located in the heart of Chicago, I am appalled by some of the information that has come in about some of my extinguished distinguished colleagues with whom I am running against.

My opponents like to talk, in fact they're doing a lot of talking but not talking about the issues. I have issues. Issues to talk about, that is. for example, everyone has a dark secret in his or her past -- I'm talking about trouble with the law. I've made no secret of the fact that I once had to serve eight hours of community service for an improper lane change. I'm not proud of my actions, but I did it and I own up to that and I am being honest and forthright about what happened.

But what about my the pasts of my opponents? For instance:



Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein was once a wanted man. For what we don't know as all of the records seem to have disappeared. The reward offered seems awfully significant though, doesn't it? A private eye, er I mean an associate of mine was only able to dig up an old copy of this wanted poster outside of a Mobile home in Alabama. Dr. Monkey, what could you possibly have done in Alabama that would warrant such a high reward for your capture?

Dr. Smith once led the sheriff’s department of Miami-Dade County on a wild car chase through the interstates of Florida. When he was finally apprehended, the glove compartment of his automobile was found filled to the brim with Methamphetamines, OxyContin, and marshmallow fluff. What was the marshmallow fluff in there for and why isn't Dr. Smith talking?



This image of Sleestak is horrific enough, but what it is we are left to wonder. Sleestak, why don't you come clean about your shady past involving a trumpet and a bizarre one eyed alien thing?

My opponents are being very quiet about what's really going on, but I'm not. Your Man of Action is talking, and he's talking about stuff.




A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for freedom.

A vote for Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator is a vote for progress.
I'm Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and I approve of this message.

13 comments:

Vegeta said...

AAAAAHHHH! That sleeztak, freaky alien picture is burned into my eyes!!!!

Jean-Luc Picard said...

That's it; dish up dirt on your opponents. I wonder what they are saying about you?

A Army Of (Cl)One said...

It is not dirt when Jon gives out this information. He is just doing a public service to help the voter make an informed vote.

Not like those sleazy attack ads that do nothing but sling mud and obscure the real issues. (That the other candidates have some fracked up personal issues)


*winks at Jon and give a thumbs up*

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Thanks, Tak.

*Gives enthusiastic thumbs up back*

Darth Nepharia said...

Mr. Gladiator, now that have declared your candidacy for president and have done the honorable, and predictable, mud-slinging thing, what do you plan on doing for the common man once in office?

-n

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Once in office, I will be the common man in office.

Spider-man said...

Marshmellow Fluff? *shakes head* I will certainly be voting for you, Mr. Future President.

Flik Sivrak said...

That alien is nothing compared to the strange creatures I've seen...

Splotchy said...

You may find your negative campaigning backfiring on you.

I was undecided until I saw Dr. Smith's mugshot.

Now I know he's the candidate for me. Such poise! Such a presence!

Sleestak said...

Smears! Smears and lies!

CALL ME WHEN YOU ADDRESS THE ISSUES AND THE TRUTH!

Dark Jedi Kriss said...

I'm with you, Flik .

Skywalker said...

But Jon, if you run things like you do LGS... arent you worried you might get killed? I meam if you let lose Monkey-Boys on the planet, you going get some bad feed back.

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Hey, I did a fine job of running LGS. Well, you know, except for the monkeyboy part.