Climbing Rushmore

Agent Hanson and I surreptitiously made our way up Mount Rushmore, being careful in our attempt to go unnoticed.

“I don’t know,” Hanson huffed as she clutched the side of the rock. “Do you really think that some evil paramilitary terrorist force has got a hideout right here in one of America’s greatest landmarks?”

“Why not?” I shrugged. “Stranger things have happened. I’d imagine it works great because who’d suspect that anyone would have a base here?”

“I suppose,” she conceded. “Still, it would take a lot of time and manpower to do something like that. You couldn’t just throw it up overnight.”

“Yeah. Maybe this is just another relay or just a small outpost or something,” I guessed.

“We better keep it moving, it’s getting dark,” the agent advised.

“We would have gotten up here a lot quicker if you didn’t have to stop and change your pantsuit,” I replied to her.

“Can’t help it, this is my rock climbing pantsuit.”

“Do you have a pantsuit for every occasion?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Hold it right there you two!” A voice from above us shouted.

We looked up at the man staring down at us.

“Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI,” she instantly attempted to take control of the situation. “Identify yourself.”

“I am the man who is about to make you two very dead,” he countered as he reached inside his coat.

“He’s got a gun!” Hanson exclaimed.

He pulled out what appeared to be an odd looking laser weapon. “Don’t worry, this will all be over in a second.”

I quickly fired a harpoon from my Wristcomm and his gun flew out of his hands and clattered down the slope of the mountain.

“I don’t need that to stop you two meddlers anyway,” he growled as he kicked Hanson in the forehead. She screamed uncharacteristically as she began to tumble off the cliff herself. I quickly reached out and snagged her arm.

“I’ve got you,” I winced as her weight jerked my arm.

“Not for long,” the man chuckled as he stepped on my finger.

Intergalactic Abbreviator

Yeah, I know that this sounds kind of odd that I would want to do this, but it’s just so cool that I have to. Abbreviations (or abrevs) are so awesome because you get to take a word that’s really big and make it a little smaller and yet everyone still digs what you’re saying. Sure, there’s a downside to abrevs, lazy people (ppl) and ppl who are “just too busy” (JTB) use them all the time. When people are using (uzng) UR, do they mean you are or your? There’s a difference (diff) you know. Abrevs are effective (effctv), but they are a powerful tool and the temptation to misuse them is strong, indeed.

Hence Intergalactic Abbreviator (IB). I am going to use all the resources at my disposal to help everyone understand and communicate better utilizing this awesome and cool resource (res) called abrevs.

Just check out some of these cool abrevs:

CFU -----(Bacteria) Colony Forming Unit
BDK -----(Java) Beans Development Kit
SVV -----(Latin
FUD -----"(spreading) Fear, Uncertainty and Disinformation"
BOB -----(Taco Bueno's) Big Ole Burrito
IIE -----"(the) Institution (of) Incorporated Engineers [in electronic, electrical and mechanical engineering] "
OTY -----[the whatever] Of the Year
YXB -----10-Year Commonwealth Treasury Bond
DDQ -----"2,3-Dichloro-5,6-Dicyano-1,4-benzoQuinone [oxidizing agent in organic chemistry]"
TCP -----"2,4,6-Trichlorophenol (disinfectant) "
TDE -----2-dichlorethane (organochlorine insecticide)
MDA -----"3,4-methylenedioxyamphetamine (synthetic hallucinogenic drug)"
QNX -----3-quinuclidinyl-xanthene-9-carboxylate hemioxylate
ABQ -----A Better Quality
PLU -----a code for supermarkets (meaning unknown)
SCB -----a sticker found on a small banana
BNC -----a type of video
AUC -----"ab urbe condita, or anno urbis conditae (Latin: in the year, indicates number of years since founding of Rome) "
YXX -----"Abbotsford, British Columbia"
QUE -----abbrev. for Quebec
ATH -----Abbreviated Trouble History
ABB -----abbreviation
HRV -----abbreviation for Croatia
ANM -----Abbreviation with No Meaning
AAI -----"Abbreviations, Acronyms and Initialisms"
ABD -----abdicated
AXR -----Abdominal X-Ray
AUJ -----Aberdeen University Journal
AZV -----Abfallzweckverband
AYN -----Aboriginal Youth Network
ABT -----About
ABV -----above
AAB -----Above And Beyond
ALQ -----Abraham Lincoln Quarterly
AJM -----Abrasive Jet Machining
AWJ -----Abrasive Water Jet
ABR -----abridged
AJV -----Abrupt Junction Varactor
AWL -----Absent With Leave
ABF -----Absolute Bloody Final (drink)
AOF -----Absolute Open Flow
AQU -----Absolute Quality University
AWT -----Abstract Window Toolkit (java)
AYV -----Abutilon Yellow Virus
AIS -----Academic Instruction School
AYG -----Academic Year Grant
AZG -----Academisch Ziekenhuis Groningen
AGK -----Academy of Goju Karate
AIB -----Academy of International
LFY -----Leafy -----
LPF -----League for Programming Freedom -----
LYI -----League for Yiddish Incorporated -----
LCY -----League of Communists of Yugoslavia -----
LXG -----League of Extraordinary Gentlemen
LWV -----League of Women Voters
LDI -----Leak Detector Indicator
LDE -----Leak-Detection Element
LMY -----Lean Meat Yield
LTY -----Leaning Tower YMCA
LNQ -----Learning Network Queensland
LRC -----Learning Resource Center
LTW -----Learning Through Work
LAL -----Leased Access Line
LVT -----Leasehold Valuation Tribunal
LFU -----Least Frequently Used
LKB -----Leathercraft Knowledge Base
LMA -----Leave Me Alone
LVG -----Leaving
LEW -----Lech-Elektrizitaetswerke
LMZ -----Leder- und Motorradclub Zuerich
LWZ -----Lederwaren Zeitung
LBF -----"Lee Bird Field, North Platte, Nebraska, USA "
LUU -----Leeds University Union
LHR -----Left Hand Rule
LHT -----Left Hand Turn
LLL -----Left Lower Lobe
LLQ -----Left Lower Quadrant (medical abbreviation for area of the abdomen)
LMB -----Left Mouse Button
LTX -----Left Teradyne (at) Xmas
LTR -----Left To Right
LUL -----Left Upper Lobe
LUQ -----Left Upper Quadrant
LVV -----Left Ventricular Volume
LHG -----Left-Hand Grip
LHP -----Left-Handed Pitcher
LBW -----Leg Before Wicket (cricket)
LDM -----Legacy Data Management
LIS -----Legacy Information System
LEG -----Legal
LAB -----Legal Aid Board
LAO -----Legal Assistance Officer
LDK -----Legal Development of Kazakstan
LWI -----Legal Writing Institute
LXS -----Legislative Exhibition Series
LLO -----Legislative Liaison Officer
LYV -----Legume Yellow Virus
LVY -----Lehigh Valley
LSZ -----Lehmann-Symanzik-Zimmerman
LGY -----Lehramt an Gymnasien
LZV -----Lehrkraeftezulagenverordnung
LKN -----Lehrstuhl fuer Kommunikationsnetze
LUR -----Lehrstuhl fuer Umweltverfahrenstechnik und Recycling
LZK -----Lehrzielkatalog
LRZ -----Leibniz Rechenzentrum
LDY -----Leicestershire and Derbyshire Yeomanry
LIY -----Leicestershire Imperial Yeomanry
LAZ -----Leichtathletikzentrum
LJZ -----Leipziger Juedische Zeitung
LQN -----Leistungs- und Qualitaetsnachweise
LUZ -----Leistungspruefung und Zuchtwertschaetzung
LQH -----Leiurus Quinquestriatus Hebraeus
LGK -----Leksell Gamma Knife
LLK -----Lelak
LJQ -----Lemon Juice Quartet
LZH -----Lempel-Ziv-Huffman Algorithm
LZS -----Lempel-Ziv-Stac (compression scheme)
LZW -----Lempel-Ziv-Welch (compression algorithm used in GIF image format)
LLU -----Lending Library Unit
LXH -----Length by Height
LXW -----Length by Width
LQU -----Length of Queue Understood
LMJ -----Leningrad Mathematical Journal
LVK -----Leon Vignetter Kit
LIK -----Lernsystem Informationskompetenz
LZI -----Lernzentrum Informatik
LQS -----Les Quatre Saisons
LTZ -----Less Than Zero
LDA -----Lesson Design Approach
LFR -----Let Freedom Ring
LMG -----Let Me Go
LMK -----Let Me Know
LNL -----Let Nicaragua Live
LGR -----Lethal Ground Range
MGR -----Manager
MBK -----"Managing Business Knowledge, Inc."
MTY -----Managing To Yield
MBS -----Manchester Business School
MCT -----Manchester College of Technology
MGS -----Manchester Grammar School
MCX -----Mandatory Center of Excellence
MPN -----Mandatory Parts Number
MNO -----Manganese Oxide
MJQ -----Manhattan Jazz Quintet
MJS -----Manipulator Jettison System
MAN -----Manitoba
MEN -----Manitoba Eco-Network
MKP -----ManKind Project
MMS -----Man-Made Substance
MLL -----Manned Lunar Landing
MZQ -----Mann-Zeichen-Quotienten
MDV -----Manprint Domain Verification
MNL -----Manual
MJE -----Manual Journal Entry
MRK -----Manual Remote Keying
MXO -----Manually eXtended Operation
MAT -----Manufacture And Test
MUL -----Manufacture Under Licence
MFX -----ManuFactured eXcellence
MVX -----Manufacturers of Vaccines
MWP -----Manufacturer's Wholesale Price
MFT -----manufacturing
MKF -----manufacturing failure
MWQ -----Manufacturing Without Quality
MSF -----"Manufacturing, Science and Finance"
ZUQ -----Manugistics Group Equity Options
MYS -----Man-Year-Space
SAM -----Surface to Air Missiles
SSM -----Surface to Surface Missile
STW -----Surface Transverse Wave
STT -----Surface Tunnel Transistor
SVU -----Surface Vehicle Unit
SMI -----Surveillance Monitoring Inspection
SPY -----Survey of Parents and Youth
SND -----Survivable Network Development
SNT -----Survivable Network Technology
SUS -----Susanna (Apocrypha)
SUU -----Suspension Underwing Unit
SOD -----Sustained Operational Date
SUY -----Suya
SEK -----Svenska Elektriska Kommissionen
SKK -----Svenska Kennelklubben Statens Kaernkraftinspektion
SXK -----Svenska Kryssarklubbens
SKF -----Svenska Kullagerfabriken
SUK -----Svenska Undulat Klubben
SKP -----Sveriges Kommunistiska Parti Statens Kaernkraftinspektion
SOK -----Sveriges Olympiska Kommitte
ZJN -----Swan River (Canada-MN) (location identifier)
SJQ -----Swann Jazz Quartet
SXY -----Swap X and Y Registers
TDY -----Today

Seriously, how awesome (awsm) are those abrevs? Couldn’t you just abrev all day (dy)? I know I could. Ppl uzng abrevs all dy is awsm and effctv. Abrevs r alwys fn and fnny, so gv it a try tdy!

Seperated at Birth V: You Gotta Keep 'Em Separated at Birth!

Welcome back everybody to another edition of our award winning Separated at Birth series. Here we will prove to you through a very powerful supercomputer utilizing a super advanced hypertechnology graphics program that two people are without a shadow of a doubt, Separated at Birth. Let’s get to it and see who’s Separated at Birth, shall we?



Veteran character actors Powers Boothe and Craig T. Nelson are Separated at Birth! It is amazing isn’t it? Did I mention that the super powerful computer is linked to several other powerful computers in an “Interconnected Network?”


Internet sensation Blockade Boy and professional wrestler Scott Steiner are Separated at Birth! I am sure that their similar looks is merely a coincidence as Blockade Boy certainly doesn’t seem like the type to sit around watching those oiled-up muscley men slap each other around. He just doesn’t have the time.

Can you believe what you have seen? Do you need a moment to gather your wits about you? Go ahead, I’ll wait a moment.


Feeling better? Then stand back because Amy Winehouse and Keith Richards are Separated at Birth! I am sure that they share more than DNA as they certainly both seem to share the joy of putting foreign substances into their bodies, if you catch my drift.


Are you ready for more? Can you believe your very senses or does your brain scream for mercy and/or a reprieve? Amy Winehouse and a car wreck are Separated at Birth!

Ah see, the super advanced supercomputer was going for a metaphorical thing here. That’s what happens when a super computer so advanced that it sends information to other supercomputers at the speed of light utilizes its super programmed parameters in ways that you or I wouldn’t even dare to conceive!


Iceman and Iceman are Separated at Birth! OK, I have to admit that the only thing they really share in common is a moniker and a penchant for shirtlessness. That’s what happens when the supercomputer computes outside the preverbal box, I suppose.

Are you waiting for the most incredible, the most stunning, the most amazing Separated at Birth yet? Do you think that you are adequately prepared for such a sight? You sure?

The Daewoo symbol and a jockstrap are Separated at Birth!

Queen Galacta: Seven Things Meme

I do not believe that I have ever filled out one of these “meme’s” before. As you all know, administrating this galaxy keeps me very busy. My advisors tell me that participating in these may actually bring me a little closer to my subjects; therefore it would be my pleasure to give this a whirl, as I believe the expression goes.

1. It is generally known that the great King Galacton IX was my father and Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord is my brother. What many citizens of this great Galaxy do not know is that I had another brother, Galacto IX. Unfortunately, Galacto died unexpectedly just as he reached adulthood. Though medical professionals were not able to determine the cause, his body had several mysterious centimeter-sized energy burn marks all over it.

2. Father always did like me best. This infuriated Galactor to no end. I do not know if this is what caused him to turn evil or not but I did find it amusing at the time. IT would be regrettable all the evil he has brought to this galaxy because he was not father’s favored.

3. Normally I was very well behaved when growing up but there was one occasion in finishing school where I got all the girls to clear their throats in the middle of class all at the same time! As you could imagine, the consternation brought to Lady L’shlyr by our actions was truly unforgettable. Of course I have curtailed my rebellious streak since then, but oh the thrill those few moments brought me.

4. I love hot dogs. There is nothing like sticking a hot and juicy “footlong” dripping with mustard and onions in my mouth. You can’t get them anywhere but on Earth.

5. Like all evolved members of the galaxy, I abhor violence. Even so, I understand that it is occasionally an only option. I have even led my fleet into combat upon occasion, the The Battle over Planet Hel, for instance.

6. Sometimes, when the burdens of an entire galaxy and the concerns of the billions upon billions of people weigh the most heavily on me, I miss my weissponig tremendously.

7. Yes, these are real.

iDoodle (The I stands for Intergalactic)

Hey, time for another doodle. First person to comment gets a doodle.

Update: Uh oh, looks like Commander Riker's been trying to sit in the Captain's chair again.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator: Seven Things

Jon tagged me with this Seven Things Meme. I think you all know what’s up with it by now, so here we go. First the rules, then the seven things.
List seven random things about yourself that people may not know.

Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours.

Post the rules on your blog.

Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I am originally from Earth. Yes my name really is Jan O’Mega. Whenever I meet someone from Earth somewhere off of Earth they always say something like “Small universe, isn’t it?” No it’s not, the universe is vast and nearly infinite. Comments like that make me want to punch them in the throat.

2. I used to bulls eye womp rats in a T-16 on Tatooine. I’ve scored more kills than you-know-who.

3. I flew for the Terran Confederacy for a while against the Kilrathi. I scored more kills than a certain wing commander.

4. I also flew a Mark II Viper for the Colonies. I scored more kills against the Cylons than a certain lieutenant. Boy did she bitch about that.

5. I beat the Kobayashi Maru. I told a certain someone how to beat it, too, and Starfleet made him a captain.

6. I first met Jon on the Orion Express but to be honest, I had been a fan of his for quite a while before that. Don’t tell him that though, I’d hate to see it go to his head.

7. I won the Pegasus Elite in a card game. I kept it by punching out the previous owner when he tried to take it back.

Hudson's 7 things

Yeah, so Jon tagged me with this Seven Things Meme thing. This should be fun ‘cuz I bet there’s a lot that you people don’t know about me.

Here are the rules, list 7 things about yourself that people may not know. Link the person who sent this. Post the rules on your blog. Tag seven people.

1. I was actually born and raised in Texas, not some futuristic space outpost where all the inhabitants are super handsome and awesome.

2. When I was younger, a doctor said I was bipolar. Pfft, whatever that means.

3. I wasn’t originally gonna be a Colonial Marine. I first went to rodeo clown college but got kicked out in the middle of my first semester. It’s all politics in rodeo clown college.

4. You probably already know that I’m a qualified expert with the M41A Pulse Rifle, M56 smart gun, M4A3 and M240 flamethrower, but I’m also fully qualified to operate the remote sentry gun and the M577 APC.

5. I’m not just some moronic grunt who does things moronilly, I’ve got an artistic side, too. I wrote this great original song for our squad. It goes like this:
If there's something strange
in your neighborhood
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

If there's something weird
and it don't look good
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

I ain't afraid of no Bugs
I ain't afraid of no bus

If you're seeing things
running through your head
Who can ya call?
BUGBUSTERS

An giant bug
sleeping in your bed
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

I ain't afraid of no bugs
I ain't afraid of no bugs

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

If ya all alone
pick up the phone
and call
BUGBUSTERS

I ain't afraid of no bugs
I here it likes the bug
I ain't afraid of no bug
Yeah Yeah Yeah Yeah

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

If you've had a dose of a
freaky bug baby
Ya better call
BUGBUSTERS

Lemme tell ya something
Bustin' makes me feel good!

I ain't afraid of no bug
I ain't afraid of no bug

Don't get caught alone no no

BUGBUSTERS

When it comes through your door
Unless you just want some more
I think you better call
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUNGBUSTERS

I think you better call
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

I can't hear you
Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

Louder
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

Who can ya call?
BUGBUSTERS

Who ya gonna call?
BUGBUSTERS

When I told the LT it would make a great song for our squad, he said he’d think about it.

6. I once shot a man just for snoring too loud. True story. Game over for him, man.

7. I am awesome in everything that I do. Scientific fact.

I tag noone just because I am just that awesome! Take that you stupid meme council or whoever is in charge of these things. Check that, I am in charge of this thing so stick it up a bug’s but! Ha ha!

Seven Things Meme

My confounded presidential candidateial opponent Dr. Zaius has tagged me with the 7 Things Meme. The rules are posted below thusly:

List seven random things about yourself that people may not know. Link the person who sent this to you, and leave a comment on their blog so that their readers can visit yours. Post the rules on your blog. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, linking their blog. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

OK, hang on everyone.

1. I am the youngest of three. My oldest sister is kind of a hippy type, my middle sister is the preppie type and I defy description.

2. I played percussion in junior high and high school. I really wasn’t that great on drums, but I rocked the crash cymbals like few others.

3. My first pet was a tan and white mouse that I named Nobella. I had a plan to figure out how to get rid of nuclear waste by shooting more neutrons into it (why hadn’t anyone thought of that before?), creating more energy and stabilizing the products of the reaction. Surely for this, I would win the Nobel Prize. Hence the mouse’s name.

4. I have a slight case of tinnitus in my left ear from when I was a Wild West gunfighter the summer between high school graduation and when I went into the Army. We had earplugs, but I couldn’t hear dialog with them in, so I would loosen the left one to hear my cues.

5. People occasionally say that I kind of look like Commander Riker. It may be because I grew a beard between seasons one and two, or it may be because I gained 20 pounds between seasons one and two.

6. The first time I said “I love you” to my wife, I was sitting on the floor of a woman’s bathroom at a local bar and she was sitting on my lap. Yeah, I know I’m Captain Romantic.

7. My wife and I got pregnant with Kiera at a red dress run at the Waukesha Hash. I was dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl (and I looked spectacular). When we got pregnant with Paxton, I wore the same outfit to a Halloween party. I still looked spectacular, but I had my goatee by that time and it was quite an addition to the costume. The outfit is available for rental to couples looking to conceive.

Now For the devious part of the meme: I must tag seven people. Therefore, I tag Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, Queen Galacta, Agent Audrey Hanson, Dr. Nemonok, Professor Xavier, and Karnov.

Rushmore

“Well well, look where our trail has led us.”

“Mount Rushmore,” Agent Hanson blew out her breath. “Are you telling me that some terrorist cell has a hidden base stashed away in one of America’s greatest monuments?”

“Looks like it,” I shrugged.

“OK, that’s it then,” she said. “We now know where they are. I’m calling in reinforcements and then we’re getting out of here.”

“What? We’re just walking away?”

“Hey, I’m following orders, pal,” she growled back. “My orders are to keep you safe, remember? You think I want to miss the action?”

“We’ve gone this far,” I said. “Let’s just check it out. We can recon the area for when your reinforcements get here.”

“I don’t know,” she answered with a dash of skepticism. “If there are terrorists, they’ll likely be well armed and have guards posted.”

“I keep telling you I can take care of myself,” I replied. “I am an intergalactic gladiator, after all.”

“That means nothing to me,” she shook her head.

“OK, well I was in the Army,” I continued. “I had a green beret.”

“You’re saying you were a Green Beret?” she asked with even more skepticism.

“I didn’t say I was a Green Beret, I said I wore a green beret.”

“You wore a green beret?” she snorted. “To tea parties or something?”

“Funny.” I dropped a quarter into the binoculars and took a look at the monument. I didn’t see much but rock and the carved visages of four presidents. “Quite a sight.”

“You’re telling me,” a man sitting on the bench replied. “I love to come here and just read the paper under the protective gaze of George Washington.”

“You come here often?” I asked.

“Almost every day,” the man replied. “Like I said, I love to read the paper here. Something about the light being better and the air being fresher. God bless America.”

“I hear what you’re saying,” I answered affably. “You ever see anything funny going on up there?”

“Funny as in strange or funny as in ha ha?” he asked.

“I don’t know,” I shrugged. “Maybe someone up there who shouldn’t be or an unusual truck or plane or something.”

“Come to think of it,” the man scratched the side of his head as he tried to recall. “I think there was something odd up there the other day. Couple hunters got caught by the park rangers. Funny thing was, the hunters didn’t have hunting rifles. They had military weapons.”

“Really?” I answered. “I can’t imagine why a hunter would be hunting in a national park with military weapons like that.”

“Probably just a couple of crazy kids,” the man said. “Probably all hopped up on the drugs or something.”

“Well, my partner and I have to get going,” I replied. “Thanks so much for your help.”

“Sure thing, sonny,” he smiled pleasantly. “You two take care now.”

“Are you just going alert everyone that we’re here while you’re at it?” Hanson whispered to me as we walked away. “Good thing you’re an intergalactic gladiator, undercover work doesn’t seem to be your forte.”

“What that old guy?” I replied in a whisper. “Look at him just sit there and read the paper. He’s harmless. Now let’s get up there on the mountain and check it out.”

Reluctantly, Agent Hanson agreed, so we made our way through the visitor center and out into the woods and ducked out of sight from the rest of the tourists. Meanwhile, the older gentleman clicked a hidden switch in his watch.

“You got two,” he said into the watch. “A man and a woman. The woman looks like a federal agent but I don’t know about the man. He looks like he’s all hopped up on the drugs or something. Roger. Roger. Out.”

Intergalactic Update and iDoodle

A great big good morning to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. I've got a few things going on, so here's the scoop.


My ersatz bodyguard Agent Audrey Hanson is in the middle of her Sylar hunt over at the Burnt Toast Diner. Head on over there and cheer her on.


Also, our newest Junior Intergalactic Gladiator Ookami Snow is holding a contest to see what his favorite blog of 2008 is and guess who's in it. Come on, guess. Just guess already! You're right, it's me! It's double elimination and I just got beaten by some nude guy in Memphis, so I can't let that happen again! Head on over there and cheer me on.


Finally, I had so much fun doodling earlier that I want to do it again. First person to comment with a doodle idea gets the doodle idea doodled.


Update: The always charming Freida Bee asked to see me getting beaten up by a nude Memphis guy. Note the Tennessee Top Hat hairstyle and red neck. And yes I know I'm making a stereotypical characterization of a Tennessean, but what's art if it doesn't make you think?

FBI eyes are watching you

“Well thanks for the assist,” I said as I brushed the dust off my clothes.

“Assist? I just saved your butt, pal,” Agent Hanson snapped back. “That plane was about to turn you into Swiss cheese.”

“No seriously, I was OK. But thanks for your help.” I said as I pulled out my blasters. “Agent Hanson meet Winona and Betsy. Winona and Betsy, meet Agent Hanson.”

“Nice ray guns there, Flash Gordon.”

“They’re actually blasters,” I corrected. “When you say ray gun, it sounds like a cheap 50’s movie. You know, with rubber Martians and spaceships that look like they’re made out of pie plates and stuff.”

“Fine, so you’ve got a couple blasters,” she replied. “Do they actually work or are you as crazy as you sound?”

“Kids, don’t try this at home,” I cautioned. I then turned and fired at a convenient rock and it exploded in a shower of sparks.

“Nice,” she whistled. “I could use one of those.”

“Sorry, not for sale,” I shrugged as I holstered my pistols.

“Too bad,” she shook her head. “I’m going to have to ask you to surrender them anyway. I have to take you in.”

“Is shooting rocks against the law?” I asked nonchalantly.

“You’re not under arrest,” she insisted. “I’m bringing you in for your own good. The FBI isn’t too keen on presidential candidates falling out of buildings or getting themselves shot up by WWI fighter planes.”

“So I’m not under arrest but you’re taking me in for my own good?” I asked. “Wow, just like a fascist state.”

“Don’t get the white suburban punk in you all in an uproar,” Agent Hanson replied. “Presidential candidates need protection, you know. Even the goofball ones like you.”

“Goofball?” I repeated. “Hey, I resemble that remark.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“OK, I’ll go with you,” I answered. “Just let me do this one thing. I was tracking a signal that ended at these crossroads, but I don’t see a receiver or anything. Let me just figure out what I’m looking for and then we’ll go.”

“Fine,” she sighed. “Go ahead.”

Using the communications equipment on the Danger Sled and my Wristcomm, I zeroed in on a sign just 50 yards or so from the crossroads.

“It’s got be here.” I started pushing soil away under the sign. “This dirt’s pretty loose. Bingo!”

“Bingo?” Hanson asked. “What is it?”

“A game of chance where players try to fill numbered cards in order to win,” I replied. “But look what I found here.”

I pulled a small radio device out of the ground. A coaxial cable snaked underneath deeper into the dirt.

“Someone just buried a radio here?” she asked.

“Looks like it,” I answered. “I’d guess that the coax leads to their secret base or bunker or whatever they’re in. They must’ve ran the line out to so they wouldn’t compromise the base’s location with their transmissions and used the sign as a marker.”

“That’s smart, I guess,” Hanson shrugged. “So where’s the base, then?”

“See, that’s the thing,” I held up my finger. “Their signal’s not broadcasting over the cable like it would from an antenna, but it’s still there. We can still trace it to its source.”

“And where would that be?” the agent asked.

“I guess we’ll find out,” I answered.

Dirt Road Intersection to the Danger Zone

I set the Danger Sled down about 200 yards from the crossroads and trotted the distance to check out the area personally.

My mouth dried quickly in the dusty wind as I made it to the intersection. I looked around and kind of shrugged to myself, it’s a fracking dirt intersection. There isn’t anything here for miles.

As I reconnoitered the area, I heard a faint buzzing sound in the distance. The buzzing grew louder and I looked into the skies and saw an old biplane flying towards me from the North by Northwest.

“Nice crop duster,” I chuckled to myself. “Not a lot of crops around here.”

I watched as the plane flew closer and closer towards me and then I had one of those revelations: the pilot’s coming after me. I turned and ran to try to get away from it, finally diving to the ground as it overtook me.

“You stupid bastard!” I shook my fist at the plane. “You got my nice suit all dirty!”

Apparently, the pilot wasn’t satisfied with dirtying up my clothes and circled around for another run at me. I turned and ran towards a cornfield, the only thing in the area that might offer me a modicum of concealment. I heard machine gun fire start up from the plane and bullets whizzed past me, kicking up dirt all around.

“This is gonna get a whole lot worse before it gets better,” I muttered to myself. I dove to the ground again and as the plane passed by me a second time, I fired my Wirstcomm at it. I shook my head as the plane began lazily circle around once more, unhindered by my counterattack.

As plane aimed straight towards me, I heard a different sound. Gunfire… From behind me. I turned and saw that FBI agent firing her pistol up at the plane.

“Come on you pinko!” She shouted defiantly while shooting round after round at the plane. “Come on, you stinking bastard, plant one right here. Come on!”


Smoke erupted from the side of the biplane and the propeller sputtered. The craft limped past us before skidding into the ground and erupting into a fireball.

“What are you doing here?” I asked in amazement.

“Looks like I’m saving your bacon, buddy,” she answered with a smirk.

(Air)Borne in South Dakota

“Greetings, Jon.” Professor Xavier’s image flashed to life on the screen. “I take you are now on your way to South Dakota to investigate that signal the Dreadnoks were sending from the Chester A. Arthur Memorial Clock now.”

“Yep,” I answered. “I’m flying there now in my ship.”

“I must commend you on your daring escape in that warehouse,” he added. “I monitored the whole affair and I have to say that blubbering like a child was pure genius.”

“That wasn’t supposed to be like a child,” I said. “I was trying to invoke the spirit of Private Hudson.”

“Ah, yes I can see that now,” the telepath nodded. “Very well done.”

“See, they had the drop on me,” I explained. “But then I made it look like I was scared for my life until that chick with the guns let her guard down. That’s when I got her.”

“Yes, of course. Perhaps that’s what Cyclops was trying when he curled up into the fetal position in front of the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants last month.”

“Could be,” I shrugged. “I tell you, that dude was disgusting. He was all like bubbling and gurgling brain floating in a tank. If I never have to see something like that again, I’ll be happy.”

“Yes, I can definitely understand your discomfort,” the leader of the X-Men replied. “I was playing chess with Magneto the other day in his cell and he said something similar about his own encounter with Nemonok. I would imagine that anyone would find the sight of him disconcerting.”

“Yeah, well we don’t have to worry about Brainjar anymore,” I said. “I kicked his medulla across the concrete of that warehouse and back. That had the nice bonus of making my boots look all nice and new.”

“That’s good, I suppose,” Xavier replied dryly. “Back to the issue in South Dakota, I have several X-Men standing by here at the X-Mansion. They can get there fairly quickly in the X-Jet should you need help.”

“Thanks for the offer, but like I said earlier, I’m just going to check the area out. I’m not going to stick around if I’m over my head or way outnumbered. I don’t plan on getting into trouble, you know?”

“Yet trouble often has a way of finding you,” he replied.

“You know what?” I said. “I don’t think we have to worry about it. There is literally nothing there.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing but dusty crossroads and a bus driving past.”

Gun Nut had me trapped... trapped like a rat

“Lilith, hold.”

The voice came from the darkness. It sounded human, yet not quite. The assassin known as Gun Nut relaxed her finger from the trigger.

“But Nemmy,” she called back. “I got him. Just let me finish him off.”

“You will. But Let us first answer his most burning questions: who and why?”

“Yeah,” I said as I relaxed my hands just a little. “Who’s out there and why do you want me dead?”

“We have met before, gladiator. A short while ago, in the future. You were keeping tabs on me.” A jar of bubbling fluid holding a disembodied brain slid forward out of the darkness. “I am sure you remember me now, no?”

“You do look familiar,” I admitted. “Oh yeah, you’re that one psychiatrist dude who’s now a bodyless brain floating in a big jar. What is it, Dr. Numb-something?”

“It is Nemonok as I am quite certain that you remember me. As to the why, I am sure you know my master as well.”

“The Intergalactic Psychological Association?” I asked. “Why would they want me dead?”

“Not the IPA, you fool. Galactor. I serve Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord.”

“You mean Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord, brother of Galacta Queen of the Galaxy?” I asked, showing surprise. “He’s got his evil mitts here? But there’s the embargo in place to protect Earth… that’s just… evil.”

“Galactor’s plans know no embargo. Now, my companion here will do the honor of extinguishing your pitiful existence.”

“So you’re the one behind this whole deal, huh?” I asked. “You hired Zartan to kill me and take his place and then you shot us down over New York.”

“Yes while I did take advantage of you during that storm and shoot you down, I have to admit that I am not the mastermind behind these other plans against you. Now Lilith, will you do the honors?”

“Gladly,” she sneered as she aimed her weapon at my temple.

“Wait a minute,” I said desperately as she re-aimed her weapon at me. “I don’t wanna get shot here like a dog. Come on, have a heart.”

“Clearly you can see that I have no heart to speak of. I believe that there is a precedent set to ask for any last words. Do you have any?”

“Yes… Please please please please don’t shoot me.” I folded my hands together as I begged for my life. “I’m begging you, man. Come on. Please… I don’t want it to be game over.”

“This is the famous Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator?” Lilith spat with contempt. “I thought he’d be a little tougher than this.”

“I just don’t wanna die,” I cried. “I have a wife and kids… and a dog… and a mortgage…”

“Please stop, your behavior is so unbecoming.” I think I heard annoyance edge into his voice.

Lilith sneered at my display. “Just shut up already, you little—”

Before she could pull the trigger, I punched her in the face. Her weapons clattered against concrete as she slumped to the ground unconscious. I kicked both far away from her and picked up my own pistols.

“Now see here…” Nemonok clearly saw that his advantage was gone. “Perhaps we have all been a little rash. We should talk this over…”

“I don’t think so.” I shot him several times with Betsy. They didn’t seem to have the effect I wanted, however, as the bolts bounced off his brain tank thingie.

“Oh, didn’t I tell you? My containment jar is made out of blasterproof Plexiglas.”

“Really? How about this?” I fired the sonic disrupter from my Wristcomm at him.

“Yes, and it is Wristcommproof as well. Additionally, that weapon is ineffective against me as I don’t have ears or a traditional sense of balance.”

“Well that’s interesting,” I replied. “Tell me, how does that big pickle jar do against LPC’s?”

“LPC’s? And what are those?”

“Leather Personnel Carriers.” I kicked the jar and it careened over onto the floor.

“Aggh! No!”

I continued to kick the jar until it shifted and pried loose from the base. Containment fluid leaked everywhere as I wedged my fingers in and pulled it loose.

“No. Please don’t! Have mercy, I beg you!”

“Now you’re begging for mercy?” I answered. “You were going to kill me and now you want me to spare your life?”

“Yes… Please…”

“Well, I have to tell you, this doesn’t seem like much of a life to me.” I wrenched the tank free and tossed the brain across the floor. It slid to a halt on a puddle and pulsed slightly. I calmly walked up to it and stepped on it until brain matter squished out in all directions.

“Noooo!” Lilith howled from her position on the concrete. “Nemmy! Oh Nemmy!”

“Disgusting.” I curled up my nose at her.

“You killed him!” she howled.

“Shut up,” I said as I knocked her out with a sonic blast.

In some ways, don't we all wear masks?

I triangulated the signal that was being sent by the Dreadnoks using my Wristcomm and the Danger Sled and determined that it was being sent to South Dakota. I need to get there and find out who’s behind this plot to discredit me.

You do realize, Jon, that you may be walking into a proverbial snake’s den? Professor Xavier mentally asked.

Of course, I answered. I know that Zartan is primarily employed by the international terrorist organization Cobra, but if they’re there, I think I can handle it.

What if there’s a legion of Cobra troops waiting? he asked.

I can handle myself, I replied mentally. I’m just going to go check it out. If I’m above my head, I’m not going to cause trouble. And if it I do get in trouble, it’s a well documented fact that when Cobra troopers actually use their weapons, they can’t hit jack.

I’m still not convinced, but you are certainly entitled to make your own mistakes, the telepath said. There is, however, one more thing that I wanted to ask you. This abandoned warehouse where you’ve chosen to rendezvous with your ship. You do realize that it’s an Arbco Industries warehouse, don’t you?

Uh yeah. So?

So Arbco is an anagram of Cobra.

I paused for a moment.

I know that, I answered. It’s OK, it’s an abandoned warehouse. Nobody’s he--

My thoughts were interrupted as I was grabbed from behind by cold, metal claws. It felt like my ex-girlfriend from high school.

“Jenny? Is that you?” I asked as I struggled to free myself.

“I am Maskatron and you will be eliminated,” a robotic voice replied.

“Dude, that’s harsh,” I replied as I struggled to free myself from the robot’s metal talons. “Maybe we could discuss this over a cup of coffee. I’ll have the coffee and maybe you can have a can of 10W30 or something.”

“Your comments do not compute,” it replied flatly. “You will be eliminated.”

“I heard you the first time.” I dropped to one knee and attempted to throw the machine over me and onto its back. I did succeed at throwing it, but Maskatron landed on its feet with a certain amount of grace that’s unusual for a robot.

“You will be eliminated,” the machine said for a third time. The claw on its right arm retracted and some sort of suction cup on a cable snapped out. With the flick of its arm, the machine attempted to snag me with the cable.

“So antisocial,” I shook my head. “I appreciate your efforts to tie me up, but seriously, a suction cup on a rope? That’s a pretty lame attack.”

“Your words do not compute.”

“I know, I know. Nobody wants to program their killer robots with a sense of humor. You’d think a laugh or two would be welcome from a souless automaton, but no.” If I know my Maskatron robots like I think I do, there’s a structural weakness in the neck joint. If I karate chop it just right, I think that I should be able to snap it off. I’ve only got one chance at this, though.

“You will be elimin-errp!” Maskatron’s head snapped off and clattered to the floor. The body stood rigid as it rolled across the cement. With a satisfying grunt, I kicked the machine over and it slammed to the ground.

“You cannot destroy me.” The robot’s head was still talking! “I will complete my programming and eliminate you.”

“You just won’t shut up, will you?” I pulled out Betsy and shot it several times. The head erupted in a shower of sparks before finally falling silent. “That’s more like it.”

A shot rang out from the darkness and my pistol flew out of my hand. I quickly drew Winona out of her holster, but she was shot out just as quickly.

“Don’t move, dirt bag,” a voice growled from the shadows. A woman’s voice.

“OK,” I put my hands in the air. Let’s see how this plays out.

“Surprised to see that a woman can get the drop on you?” she said as she stepped out of the shadows. This woman was well armed with weapons, a Mohawk, and a sneer.

“I can’t say that I am,” I replied. “Women are certainly just as capable of making a good shot with a firearm as any man.”

“Heh, nice answer.” She stepped up close to me as she leveled her Uzi right at my temple. “It’s not going to save you, I’m still taking you out.”

“Taking me out?” I asked in surprise. “I have to let you know, though, that I’m married. No funny business, OK?” I know I’ve seen her before, but where?

“Funny,” she laughed ruefully. “But I’m not going to take you out to dinner, I’m going to take you out to the morgue.”

“Then why walk up to me like this?” I asked. “You had the drop on me from the shadows.”

“That would have been too easy. I wanted to see your face when you saw who shot you.”

“Yeah, except I don’t believe we’ve ever met.” I held my hand out to shake hers. “Hi, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and you are…?”

“Keep your hands up,” she snapped. “My name is Lilith, though some people call me Gun Nut. And we have met before.”

That’s right. On the Enterprise Christmas party. She was hanging out with that creepy brain in a jar. But why does she want to shoot me?

“I have to be honest with you,” I chuckled. “I’ve met a lot of pretty faces in my day. Maybe we could just talk abou—”

“Don’t condescend me.” Her weapon snapped up with a clack. “You men are all alike. You think you can turn on the charm and the women’ll just turn to jelly in front of you. Well, I’ve got news for you, you can’t charm me.”

“OK OK,” I acquiesced. “I just don’t want to die. I especially don’t want to die when I don’t know why I’m getting shot in the first place.”

“Too bad,” she smiled maliciously. The tip of her finger tightened its grasp on the trigger of her weapon.

Stop in the name of the law

“Don’t move!” came the command. “Agent Audrey Hanson, FBI!”

I held my hands up in the air and let my pistol dangle limply from my finger.

“Drop the weapon and slowly turn around.”

I complied and let Betsy clatter to the ground; I then turned slowly and got a good look at who was giving me these orders.

“Keep your hands up!” she growled.

“Yes ma’am,” I answered. “Look, I’m Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator and we’re on the same side. If you just give me a moment to explain.”

“I don’t care if you’re the Queen of France and I don’t want to hear it, buster,” she replied huskily. “I saw you out there and I’m taking you in.”

I don’t have time for this.

“Wait, you’re taking me in for hanging off a clock face?” I shrugged. “It was hanging on for dear life because these guys shoved me out there. They were trying to kill me, why don’t you take them in?”

“Maybe I will,” she said coolly. “Maybe I’ll take you all in.”

“Wait, you’re a federal agent, shouldn’t this under the jurisdiction of the local cops?”

“Listen, mister, when I see a man hanging off the Chester A. Arthur Memorial Clock, I bring the guy in. That’s my jurisdiction.” She then deadpanned the local law like some kind of TV police detective dryly reciting his lines. “Chapter 140: PEACE AND GOOD ORDER ARTICLE I – Defacing of Public Property, section 140-1. Defacing of public property prohibited. Subsection A. No person shall damage, break, mar, deface, injure or remove any building, fence, sign, fire hydrant, fire alarm box, streetlight, tree, shrubbery or other property owned by the District of Colombia in any manner whatsoever. You sir are the defacer and I’m taking you in.”

“Hold on, I said I was on your side.” I still had my hands up. “Let me show you my badge.”

She looked at me for a moment and let out a breath. “Fine. No funny business.”

I brought out my badge and showed it to her. “See? I’m one of the good guys.”

“Where’d you get that?”

“I helped out the President a little while ago,” I answered. “I got it from him.”

“That badge isn’t worth the tin it’s stamped on, pal,” she growled in disgust. “You have the right to remain silent…”

“Wait wait wait,” I pleaded. “Someone’s set me up. Someone’s trying to kill me and these are the hired thugs. You can have your bust, just take them in, I’m running out of time!”

She paused for a moment, as if there was an internal struggle going on in her mind.

“You’re running out of time,” she repeated. “I should take them in.”

“Right. Don’t take me in.”

“Don’t take you in,” she said flatly.

Wait a minute.

“You don’t want to arrest me,” I said as I waved my hand in front of her.

“I don’t want to arrest you.”

“You want me to go and complete my mission.” I waved my hand in front of her again.

“You need to get going so you can complete your mission.” Holy cow! I can do the Jedi mind trick!

“These are not the droids you are looking for.” I waved my hand in front of her again.

“These are not the droids I am looking for,” she deadpanned.

“OK, cool,” I smiled. “Well, I gotta go. You OK with these three?”

“I am OK with these three,” she replied unemotionally.

“Great, send ‘em to Blackwater Prison. Nobody escapes from there.” I scooped up Betsy, dashed out of the room and ran down the stairs.

Are you alright, Jon? I could hear Professor Xavier talking to me telepathically.

“Fine,” I replied. “I figured that was you lending a little hand with the FBI agent back there.”

Of course, he replied in my mind. Though I thoroughly enjoyed listening to you try to talk your way out of trouble, I assumed that you wanted to get out of there as quickly as possible.

“Right, thanks,” I said as I threw myself out of the front door of the building and down the street. “I’ve got to get on the Danger Sled and track that signal.”

Where to?

“South Dakota.”