Sunday, July 03, 2005

American Beer

I am an American beer. I am American Beer. For over two hundred years the people of our great nation have been enjoying the smooth full-bodied taste that I provide. My father was an American Beer, my father’s father was an American Beer. My father’s father’s father was an import, possibly Beck’s or Heineken, but he came to this great land and worked hard to put food on the table (mostly yeast and malt) to make his son a robust, high quality American Beer.

I am red, white and blue. Red is the patriotic blood of the brew master who made me. White is his sweat as he labored to brew the best American Beer that money can buy. Blue is the tears that he shed; the tears of liberty, the tears of justice, the tears caused by spent grain getting caught in his eye. When you drink American Beer, remember that the blood, sweat and tears of the brew master, and possibly of his indentured servants, are in every can.

I am an American Beer. When you are enjoying life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, enjoy a can of me. When you watch a baseball game, enjoy a can of me. When you have a backyard barbecue or are eating a plate of mashed potatoes, enjoy a can of me.

From purple mountain majesty, where the crystalline virgin snow melts and runs down to our awaiting tanker trucks, o’er amber waves of grain, where the malt and the barley and some rice are harvested to create my distinctive crisp flavor. Even to the fruited plains, where the land is strip mined for the aluminum used to create my can, I embody the land of the free. I am an American Beer.

When our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence at that big kegger, they knew what they were providing the peoples of this fledgling nation a beer unequalled in the hard working, patriotic spirit that makes this land what it is. From the lobster trappers of Maine, to the loggers of Oregon; from our auto manufacturers of Detroit, to the cocaine mules in Miami; from the hard working men and women of Washington D.C., to the people of Hollywood, who strive to put entertainment into your free and safe American lives, I am there. I am American Beer.

I am an American beer. I am American Beer. From sea to shining sea


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Happy Independance Day to all Americans, and to all of you non-Americans, I am sorry that you have to put up with us sometimes.

This piece was originally for the newsletter of my hash group (a drinking club with a running problem). Someone was charged with buying beer, bought American Beer and recieved many complaints about it. I wrote this in response to those complaints. I hope everyone enjoyed it.

Aaron the Truck Driver said...

mmmmmmmm beeer.

Jean-Luc Picard said...

Happy 4th of July to all.

j00|{z said...

m-must have...

Merry 4th of July!

Aayla Secura said...

You are an American Beer.

That has to be the most beautiful post I have ever read. *sniff*

Perhaps I'll visit America someday. In what planetary system is that?

Karnov said...

I drank Yuengling Lager that day. My fave of US beer.