Counting Counts

A letter from The Count. The Count. Who is this The Count? I had to figure this out, so I sat down with a pencil and paper and started thinking about all of the Counts that I could think of.

Count Dooku

Could Dooku be this mysterious Count? He is evil, but last I heard, he was at Palpatine's, making his life miserable. I can't count Dooku out, but it is not likely him.

The Count

I suppose that it is also possible that my new adversary is Count von Count from Sesame Street, but he isn't so much evil as he has some sort of compulsion to count everything in sight. If push comes to shove, I think that I could distract him by asking him to count bricks on the wall or blades of grass.

Also, he's a puppet.


Count Olaf

Count Olaf is pretty evil, I suppose, but I just can't put this rubber-faced miscreant in the "Super Villain" category that my mystery villain appears to be a part of. Olaf is an actor and has a flair for the dramatic, sure, but he has his hands full trying to get his hands on the Baudelaire fortune, and can't even defeat three kids to get it.


The Count of Monte Cristo

I cannot believe this delicious sandwich could be evil. The Monte Cristo is ham and chicken sandwich dipped in egg and fried. The Monte Cristo is dangerous to my cholesterol level only.


Count Blah

Count Blah is a knock-off of Sesame Street's The Count from the cancelled TV show Greg The Bunny. I also don't think he's really evil. Oh yes, and he's a puppet, too.


Count Basie

I can't believe that Count Basie is my nemesis, either. He wasn't evil, he was a jazz musician. Plus he is no longer with us, so he's probably kickin' it in on a cloud and has no time for Earthly concerns.


Count Chocula

Oh delicious choclatey breakfast cereal, you could never be evil.


Count Maurice Maeterlinck

During my search, I found information on Count Maeterlinck, who was a Nobel Prize-winning poet. He also died in 1949. Because he was a poet and the winner of an award established by the inventor of dynamite, I cannot believe that this is the count that I am looking for.


Count Floyd

Count Floyd is a former subpar horror show host from some cancelled Canadian show. He mostly howls and introduce bad scary movies. He's not evil as far as I can tell.

Count Leo Tolstoy

I didn't even know Tolstoy was a Count!

I did some more research on the Internet. A count is a European nobleman. There are many count characters in literature and film, but they are all older and/or in romance stories and I just can't believe that any of these characters would declare himself my enemy. So who is this Count? Who could this Count possibly be?

(Turns to audience)

Do you know who this Count is...?

A Letter From the Count

Interesting.

I recieved a letter in the mail today. It had no return address and I could not recognize the handwriting.

The letter said:

Dear Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator,

I have been watching you from afar and I am sincerely marveled by your prowess and abilities. Your tenacity and cunning is truly something to behold.

I am, however, compelled to confront and destroy you. You will not be able to escape me or my powers of darkness.

I am a dweller of the shadows, the dark of night is my ally and my weapon. I will destroy you soon, but first I am compelled to toy with you as a black cat would toy with it's prey.

To that I must say, we will meet soon. Until then, take care and have a good night, if you dare.

-- The Count

I was confounded by this letter. Who is this Count and why is he now hunting me?

Movie Review: Starship Troopers

OK, check this out, so I'm watching this movie, Starship Troopers and they start out talking about how there are bugs that they have to fight, and I'm thinkin' cool, go shoot up them bugs! Game over for the bugs, man. But then they go and show these kids in high school learning about what it takes to become a citizen. One of the quickest ways is military service. OK, I like that part. Some civilians are just too stupid sometimes, you know. Like, how many people do you know who can field strip an M41A Pulse Rifle? Not many Hmmm?

Any way, the teacher has this cool robot hand and he got it while he was in the military and I think having that hand has to be convenient for opening beer cans and pushing people away when you have to go shoot bugs or something. So then the kids graduate and Johnny Rico wants to go Mobile Infantry, which is sort of like Colonial Marines (but not as good, of course). His girl is becoming a pilot (I like hot pilots!) but she's totally hanging out with this pretty boy pilot jerk. If it were up to me, Pretty Boy would be meeting the business end of my M41A, if you know what I mean.

So, Johnny is in Boot Camp and one of his guys gets shot in the head in a training accident! Oh man! Johnny is sentenced to a public lashing and his Drill Sergeant gives him something to bite on while he whips shirtless Johnny and his big man-nipples. Everyone's watching 'cuz it's in front of the other troops.

This scene makes me very uncomfortable. It's not the whipping itself, it's the two soldiers involved. Everyone knows that the H-Man is a ladies man and these two guys seem to like each other a little bit too much, if you know what I mean.

So everyone graduates from Boot and they go off to fight the war. This is the part I like, and they go off to fight, ughh, bugs. I hate bugs. Can't stand 'em, never could, but the Mobile Infantry guys go off to the planet and start shooting everything in sight. That I like.

Then they go defend a fort out in the middle of nowhere, and I'm like game over man, and a bunch of guys totally get eaten and smashed by the bugs and they're totally getting their butts kicked there. The bugs are coming out of the walls and the troops are effed now! A general gets smashed by a bug, too, but that's OK I guess because I've never seen a general field strip an M41A.

So Johnny's hot and pouty girl flies down and picks them up and most of them are OK, except Johnny's other hot girlfriend, Hot Redhead. Johnny got to see Hot Redhead take off her shirt and space bra, so I know Johnny's on the up and up and I like him more now. Hot Redhead doesn't make it and they have a great military funeral for her and shoot her off into space and Johnny's like "Let's go kick them bug asses now!" and all the other guys are like "Hell yeah!"

So they go back to Bug Planet and they start shooting everything in sight and Johnny rescues Hot Pouty and Pretty Boy and they find a big brain bug! Oh man! So they haul out Brain Bug and Johnny's other friend, who's a colonel now and most likely doesn't know which end of a M41A is which, but he looks at the Brain Bug and says "Hey everyone, he's afraid!" and all the troops cheer.

So then they show the scientists totally sticking a prod up the Brain Bug's butt so they know how to fight 'em now. Johnny gets to lead all the troops and Hot Pouty gets to command her own battleship and all the bugs get totally shot and blown up. Game over for the bugs!

I love this movie, I love the bugs getting smashed, the only thing I don't like is that everyone is getting promoted. I've been in this man's Colonial Marines for 8 years and I'm still a private. Anyway, that's a small complaint and I give the movie 5 shots from my trusty M41A Pulse Rifle!

Fluke Starbucker action figures!

It's the day after Thanksgiving and of course the stores are experiencing the mad rush of people cramming their way in to do their Christmas shopping. I have to admit, I was there. I wasn't there to buy a DVD player on sale or a Dust Buster. I was there for the toys. I got through the doors and sprinted to the toy section and what did I see? Lo and behold, Fluke Starbucker action figures! I was so excited. Remember, don't call them dolls.

It was pretty neat to see this great hero sitting on the shelves. Here he is in his Tatooine farmer outfit and blast helmet.


This appears to be a toy for younger kids, the manufacturer kind of made a caricature of Fluke with the exaggerated feet and the big goofy grin. I've never seen Fluke with a big goofy grin like that. Of course, he comes with his blast helmet.


I guess this is a nice outfit for him, the smoking jacket kind of look, I suppose. I don't know, that outfit does look kind of familiar, I just can't place it though.


See, now this confused me even more. I don't believe that I've ever seen Fluke in armor like this. Ever. I guess the manufacturer wants a wide variety of Fluke toys to increase play value or profit margins or something. It's like those Batman figures; you get Power Armor Batman, Ice Attack Batman, Stealth Batman, Laser Batman, Laser Stealth Batman, Laser Batman with Shrimp, Ice Princess Batman and everything else Batman that they can come up with.


Fluke Starbucker wasn't the only figure in the line, either! They had Friends Of Ole Fluke figures there, too! It was pretty neat, but it appeared to me that there were not a lot of Fracks, but there were a lot of Fricks. I don't get it, but it looks like the Frick figures are the peg warmers.


The last Fluke figure that I found there really confused me. I have no idea why they would make this thing. It looks like a Pimp Daddy Fluke. I just don't understand why they're trying to sell this.

Happy Thanksgiving

Yes it is a day early, happy Thanksgiving to all and to all a good night.

When Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator was but a young lad, so young and full of life, he wrote a poem about Thanksgiving:

Thanksgiving is the time of year
When all the turkeys disappear
But still, it makes me shrill
to see blood red
So I'm having Kentucky Fried Chicken instead

An exceptional ballad don't you think? Feel free to snap your fingers if you are so inclined. I did win something for it, I don't remember what, though. Maybe a book about turkeys or something.

My Appointment With Destiny

J'onn Sinew Nu called me into his office.

"Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," he said. "We've been worried about you."

"Really?" I asked. "For what reason?"

"Well, you lost your Monkeyboy," said Sinew Nu. "Your comedy relief sidekick died right in front of you. I know how hard that's affected you."

I chuckled silently to myself. "Oh don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

"That's why I scheduled an appointment for you with our league psychiatrist."

"A psychaiatrist?" I asked.

"That's right," he said. "You have an appoitment with Destiny. Dr. Destiny."

I felt fine, so I figured that it would be quick. If I didn't agree, Sinew Nu would never get off my back, right? Of course he wouldn't.

"Tell me about your childhood," said Dr. Destiny as I was sitting on a couch next to him.


"It was fine," I replied. "I had good parents, two sisters. We weren't rich, but my parents took good care of us."

"What about trauma?" he dug. "Anything really traumatic happen to you in your youth?"

"Well, I did fall off the roof once," I offered.

"Ah yes," the doctor said. "You almost became a Ladder Day Saint."

"Yeah, that's what I said at the end of the post," I pointed out.

"Of course, of course," he replied. "Any other trauma from your youth?"

"Well, I did break my nose and sprain my ankle while wrestling in high school."

"So you are still grappling with those issues? Tell me, what did you dream about last night?"

"Well, it's kind of odd," I scratched my chin and thought. "Usually, I don't really remember my dreams, but I remember last night's. I dreamnt that I was a curtain."

"Oh my," said Dr. Destiny writing on his pad. "You've got to pull yourself together. Tell me, when you are flying through space, do you feel like a planet, a comet, or a star?"

I thought for a moment. "I feel like a star," I said. "A dwarf star."

"You seem brighter than that," Destiny replied. "Do you remember any other dreams?"

"Well, a few months ago, I dreamnt that I was a teepee."

"Mmm hmm."

"Right after that, I dreamnt that I was a lean-to."

"Obviously, you are too tents," the doctor surmised. "Go on."

"Once I dreamnt that I was a pirate standing on a pile of treasure. The pile was very small, though," I remembered.

"So you're saying that booty is only shin deep," he said. "I want you to picture yourself in a park. What do you see?"

"Well, there's a man in whiteface," I imagined. "He wants me to lick his face, but I want get away from him."

"That is understandable," Destiny replied. "A mime is a terrible thing to taste. where are you now?"

"I'm in an ambulance. I'm missing my left ventricle."

"You sound half-hearted. What else do you think about?"

"Well, the world's full of apathy," I answered. "But I really don't care."

"How about fears?" he pressed. "Do you fear anything?"

"No," I replied. "I have no fears."

"None?" he pressed again.

"Well, I do have Aibohphobia."

"Ah, an irrational fear of palindromes," he offered. "How about pet peeves, does anything really set you off?"

"Well, it really bugs me when people don't proofread," I said. "When writing, people have to be very careful not to any words out."

"You have a very good point," he said. "You seem very healthy, but do you have any compulsions, like kleptomania?"

"No, not kleptomania," I shook my head.

"Well if you did," Dr. Destiny offered. "I have something you can take for it. Do you know any good jokes?"

I thought for a momment. "OK, a neutron walks into a bar and asks how much a beer would cost. The bartender says 'For you, no charge.'"

Dr. Destiny laughed heartily then looked at his watch. "Well Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, it looks like you are just fine. And since our time is just about up, I really must get going, I have movers taking my bed away this afternoon."

"Sounds like you're about to be debunked."

Check This Out

I'm ready, man, check it out. I am the ultimate badass! State of the badass art! You do NOT want to eff with me. Check it out! Hey everybody, don't worry. Me and my squad of ultimate badboys will protect you! Check it out! Independently targeting particle beam phalanx. Whoa! Fry half a city with this puppy. We got tactical smart missiles, phase-plasma pulse rifles, RPGs, we got sonic electronic ball breakers! We got nukes, we got knives, sharp sticks--


Oh my God, what is that? A bug, man! Oh dear Lord Jesus, this ain't happening, man... This can't be happening, man! This isn't happening! I don't know if you noticed or not, but we just got our butts kicked there!


What? Oh, that was just a box elder bug. Nothing to worry about.


As I was saying, me and my buddies were in a bughunt once. All my comrades were totally surrounded by aliens and I pulled out my M41A pulse rifle and it was game over for them! Game over, man!


People come up to me all the time and they say "Private Hudson, what makes you so bad?" And I say "8 years of being a Colonial Marine, too many firefights to count, hundreds of hours of combat training and the best weapons available. That's what makes a man like me 'so bad.'"


All the ladies want some of this, too. Don't you believe that all them chicks just want a pilot or fancy corporate guy. When they get a look at the H-Man, that's right, "Game Over."


Oh man, a bug! We're in some real pretty stuff now man... That's it man, game over man, game over! What the heck are we gonna do now? What are we gonna do?


Oh wait, that was just a ladybug. I like ladybugs.


See people, there's absolutely nothing to worry about when Private Hudson is here. You can all just relax and enjoy lookin' at the H-Man.

"Oh sh--"

This post is rated PG for adult language. Reader discretion is advised.

Shortly before Kiera turned two, she started listening to what we were saying very carefully and mimicking it. Now I am no sailor, but I know my share of curse words. My wife, on the other hand, is a Chicago Public School teacher and and has learned some very creative language from her students. So we tried to be careful what we were saying in front of the girl. I even started saying "son-u-mar bitch" instead of "son of a bitch," to keep the phrase far from her vocabulary.

One day, however, my wife said "Oh shit" after dropping a box of cereal.

We hoped that Kiera didn't pick it up, but several days later Kiera was playing with a necklace when she dropped it and said "Oh shit."

"You really shouldn't say that," said Patricia.

"Yes I should," Kiera said. "I dropped it."

Who could argue with that logic?

So my wife and I tried very hard not to empower that word. If Kiera said it again, we wouldn't hop up and down yelling. We would very carefully choose our words and tell her that saying that is not appropriate.

One day, Patricia had Kiera strapped into her carseat, they were cut off by another car and Patricia muttered "Oh shit" under her breath.

"Mommy, did you say 'Oh shit?'" Kiera asked.

"Oh, I really shouldn't say that" my wife replied. "We really shouldn't say that word."

"We shouldn't say 'Oh shit?'" the youngling inquired.

"Right," Patricia affirmed.

"You mean 'Oh shit?"

"You shouldn't say that."

"You shouldn't say 'Oh shit?'" Kiera asked again.

"Kiera, stop saying that," said my wife.

"Stop saying what?" Kiera asked. "'Oh shit?'"

At that point, my wife had to pull over because she was laughing so hard.

A few Impressions

Thank you everyone for stopping by today. I would like to entertain you with a few impressions.


For my first impression, Captain Picard:

"Numbah one, engage."

Next, Sean Connery from Dragonheart:

"I am the lasht dragon!"

My next impression is Jeff from Coupling:

"Breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts breasts."

Darth Vader:

"Obi Wan never told you what happened to your father. Luke, I am your father."

Luke Skywalker:

"Nooooooooo!"

Legendary baseball announcer Harry Caray:

"Cubs win! Cubs win! Holy cow!

Hollywood actor and World War II pilot Jimmy Stewart:

"I wish I had a million dollars. Hot dog!"

Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous host Robin Leach:

"That Champaign-filled hottub cost over five million dollaaaars."

Homer Simpson:
"D'oh!"

Professor Charles Xavier:

"I'm Charles Xavier. Would you like some breakfast?"

My final impression, Wolverine:

"I'm the best at what I do, and what I do ain't pretty, bub."

Thank you, that's all for now, good night everybody!

Politics Make Strange Bedfellows

One of the things I like about being an Intergalactic Gladiator is the opportunity that being one gives me to reach out to the fans. I can't do this a lot (the universe is a big place, after all), but when I do, it really does feel great to see what a positive role model I can be for them.




I was speaking at a high school yesterday. It was the typical "stay in school, don't do drugs" type of speech that I like to give, and the kids really responded to it. I always felt that if I could reach out to one kid and make his or her life better, it's all worth it.




After my speech, I used my time there to walk around the halls a bit to meet the teachers and students. I saw a T-shirt on one that really caught my eye.




"Does that shirt say what I think it says?" I ask.

"What does it look like? Gosh!"

"You want Palpatine to be the Chancellor of the senate?" I asked

"Heck yeah," the student replied. "Palpatine's got all kinds of skills, like nunchuck skills, bowhunting skills, computer hacking skills... People only want Chancellors who have great skills."

"Don't you know his dark secret? His connection to the Sith?"

"He's a Sith?" he asked. "That's flippin' awesome! They're known for their skills in magic."

"But Sith are evil," I insisted. "He wants to kill all the Jedi and take over the universe."

"Really? I drew a picture of him for art class," he answered. "It took me like three hours to finish the shading on his upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done."

I felt like there wasn't anything else I could say to him. Sometimes, I just don't get these kids.

Survivor and Monkeyboys and Post of the Week and the Windy City, oh my!

I wanted to let all my Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators know a few things.

First, I made a visit to Survivor: Tatooine this weekend. Qui-Gon Jinn won the competition and had a big party (or as I like to call it, a par-tay) for everyone. You can read about my visit right here.

Speaking of Qui-Gon Jinn (that's what we call a "segue" in this business), he had a visit from Jo Jo the Monkeyboy last week. You can read about that adventure here, here, and here.

Also, I won Jar Jar's Star Wars: Unplugged Post of the Week competition with this unnamed post. I actually did give it a name, but evidently brackets won't show up in HTML. Duh. Despite my inability to name my own posts, I am very proud to win this award.

Furthermore, I wanted to tell everyone that it was very windy in the Windy City yesterday (how windy was it?). It was so windy that I saw a witch flying past my house backwards on a bicycle. But seriously folks, it was so windy that when the Chicago Bears kicker tried to kick a field goal, the ball flew into the air, curved 90-degrees from it's original path and sailed away in that direction. It was so windy, that when I tried to take in the umbrella from our outdoor table, I almost sailed away, too.

Finally, yesterday my daughter wanted to paint some pictures. Below is one of her paintings.

No, no, that's not me. It's Cinderella. You can tell by the glass slippers. She has gotten really good with her artwork. I am very proud of her.

OK, tomorrow's post is going to be very exciting. I am going to tell about the time I went to Planet Home Depot and tried to return a hammer without a receipt. Oh yeah, it's going to be super exciting. Honest.

I am a Unicorn

I know you're thinking that I said Unicron, because being a world eating planet that transforms into a giant robot would be the coolest thing ever. Unfortunately, I said Unicorn. My wife laughted at me when I told her how I rated on this quiz but I think there are some cool aspects of being a unicorn, you can totally poke someone in the heiney with that horn, for one.





You are Form 3, Unicorn: The Innocent.

"And The Unicorn knew she wasn't meant to
go into the Dark Wood. Disregarding the advice
given to her by the spirits, Unicorn went
inside and bled silver blood.. For her
misdeed, the world knew evil."

Some examples of the Unicorn Form are Eve
(Christian) and Pandora (Greek).
The Unicorn is associated with the concept of
innocence, the number 3, and the element of
water.
Her sign is the twilight sun.

As a member of Form 3, you are a curious
individual. You are drawn to new things and
become fascinated with ideas you've never come
in contact with before. Some people may say
you are too nosey, but it's only because you
like getting to the bottom of things and
solving them. Unicorns are the best friends to
have because they are inquisitive.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Credit where credit is due, I got this from Mad Rambling Turbo Slut.

"There is a traitor among us."

The Queen's words echoed through my head. I had to think quickly. I was certain that I was not the traitor, the Queen wouldn't be the traitor, that leaves the two agents.

"Oh man," said Agent Hudson. What were the chances of Hudson being a traitor? He just got promoted and he has a Colonial Marine's mindset, which means rigid discipline and blinding loyalty. He would very likely march to his death should the Queen order it.

That leaves Plovo. I don't know him, but he is the most likely candidate. I aimed my sonic stunner at him; he aimed his blaster at me.

"Plovo," I said. "Please drop your weapon."

"Oh no," he said. "You drop yours. I have loyally served Her Majesty for over 8 hyperspans, roughly equivalent to 8 of your Earth years. I have no reason to turn on her. You, however, are some jerk from a backwater planet. You spurned the Queen's affections and then led her to the radioactive meteor. Clearly, you are the traitor!"

"I have no reason to turn on her," I answered. "You are the traitor among us."

"Am not!"

"Plovo, I order you to surrender your weapon," commanded the Queen.

Instead of complying, Plovo fired the weapon at me, I raised my armlink and the shot hit it, the sonic beam discharged and hit Hudson, he crumbled to the ground crying "Oh man, game ov-ov-ov, m-mm-mm-mn--"

I kicked the gun from his hand, he turned and ran. I picked up the gun and chased after him as the queen leaned down to look at Hudson.

My lungs began to burn as I ran after him. Trying to elude me, Plovo dumped over garbage cans, pushed past street musicians and innocent bystanders, then he upset a street vendor cart and even broke through a large plate glass being carried by two burly movers. Despite his frenetic getaway, I remained close behind him.

He turned down an alley, but it was a dead end. He looked left, he looked right, he looked up. There was no place to go. He desperately began hitting buttons on his Hyperlink Communicator.

"You fool," he hissed. "Galactor will bring order to the galaxy. The queen is weak! She cannot protect the universe from the evils that conspire against it!"

"So you propose to install a ruler as evil as Galactor to protect the galaxy from evil?" I questioned. "I may be just a 'simple Earthman,'" I made quote marks with my fingers for emphasis. "But that's the stupidest... that's completely nuts!"

"I am not 'nuts' as you call it," he snarled. "It is a great plan. My brain is evolved."

"Aw geez, think about it, Plovo," I tried to explain. "His full name and title is Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord. Evil Galactic Overlord! He wants to destroy this galaxy and everything it!"

Thinking I was distracted, Plovo lunged at the weapon in my hand. We struggled with it for a minute and with a zap, the weapon fired.

Silence. Plovo had a surprised look on his face. I had a surprised look on my face.

Another moment of silence.

I made a quick check, trying to feel any pain. None.

Plovo looked stunned. He then stood fully upright, "Are you hit?" he asked.

"No. You?"

"No," I replied. "I'm fine."

"Well, OK." With a war cry, Plovo charged me, I flipped him over my shoulder and aimed the weapon at him.

"Give it up, Plovo," I said.

Plovo sneered. "You're not going to shoot me," he said as he stood up.

I set the weapon to a higher level.

"I know you," he continued. "I've watched you fight in the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment arenas. You're not a killer."

A light filled the sky over us. "I'm not going to let you get away."

"Oh look, my ship is here. I am afraid that I'll be leaving you now."

I set the weapon to it's kill setting. "Don't make me fire."

"Heh heh heh, you're not going to shoot me."

I fired. "Wanna bet?"

****************************************

I returned to where the Queen and Hudson were and I found them in a deep liplock. A smile creeped over my face and I chuckled.

"Oh," the Queen looked up. "Where is Plovo?"

I tried to think of a very witty action hero line to say. "I shot him."

"Then the man who has conspired against Us has met his traitorous end," the Queen declared. "Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you have proven to me that you are an exceptional man. It is Our honor to Knight you."

I dropped to a knee, Hudson handed the Queen a long Vibroblade.

"It is official, you are now Sir Jon, the Intergalactic Gladiator, Protector of the Queen and Her Galaxy. You may rise."

I stood. "I am honored, My Queen," I said.

"The honor is Ours," returned Queen Galacta.

"Now all we need is some clever line to end this story." I rubbed my chin and said "Hmmm."

"Game over?" asked Agent Hudson.

We started laughing.

The Queen of the Galaxy's lips drew nearer to mine.

Her warm onion breath danced across my cheek.

"Your Majesty," I held up my hand. "You cannot kiss me. I am a married man."

Agents Plovo and Hudson shifted in their stance and looked around uneasily.

"Oh," replied the queen cooly. "Too bad, you would be a handsome suitor indeed."

"Because of my personal morals, I could never cheat on my wife." It doesn't matter if it's the Queen of the Galaxy, I'm not stupid. Shame on anyone who thinks that I should have. No Lou Malnati's deep dish pizza, Billy Goat cheeseburgers or Old Style beer for you.

"Your courage is matched only by your intergrity," she replied regally. "I have very much enjoyed my visit to your planet. Be assured, brave Intergalactic Gladiator, that when the proper time comes, the peoples of this planet will join their brethren in space. Until that time, I will use my resources to keep this planet protected from this galaxy's enemies."

"And for that, I thank you," I said. I looked up into the sky. "That's unusual, you can't normally see shooting stars in the city, too many lights and too much pollution."

The agents looked up, a meteorite was chasing across the sky. "Oh man," said Agent Hudson.

The meteorite drew towards us and slammed into the Earth a mile away. "we need to check this out, there may be casualties!" I exclaimed.

As we got closer, I could see the night was bathed in an eerie green light. Moaning could be heard from the distance.

"Oh man, this is bad," said Agent Hudson. Special Agent Plovo remained stoic.

We got close and it looked like people were shuffling around near the glowing rock. There were no fires, though, and nobody looked hurt.

"Hey!" I called out. "Is everyone all right?"

The only reply was a muffled moaning from the mumbling masses.

"Oh man," reiterated Agent Hudson.

"Are those...." I strained to look. "Zombies?"

"Space Zombies," said Special Agent Plovo. "I've seen this before. Galactor, the Evil Galactic Overlord is behind this."

Galactor. His name sent a shiver down my spine. Galactor's malevolence is so evil that it must be contained within an armored shell, lest it seep out and curdle the very atmosphere with it's sour unpleasantness.

"Galactor wants to destroy the Queen, we must protect her." I activated the sonic stunner on my Wristlink. The Space Zombies started running towards us. "Those Space Zombies sure are fast!" I shouted.

"Oh man, game over!" cried Hudson.

Plovo pulled out is blaster pistol and was about to fire at the crowds when I pushed his arm down. "These are innocents!" I shouted. "You can't just kill them!"

"My duty is to protect the Queen!" he responded and took aim again.

"Oh man, game over, man!" whined Hudson.

"Do not kill the innocents," commanded the Queen. "Disable them only, I will destroy the meteor."

"If you get too close, you'll turn into a Space Zombie!" I yelled to her.

"The evil energies will not harm me," she replied. She floated towards the rock as I started firing sonic blasts at the zombies, they dropped to the ground, clutching their heads.

The Queen of the Galaxy walked past writhing zombies and up to the meteor. She picked it up and a bright light surrounded her and the evil weapon. The light crescendoed to a blinding flash and the meteor crumbled away.

The stunned Space Zombies began to revert to normal. The Queen, her two agents and I quickly left the scene.

"I am getting an incoming transmission on the Hyperlink," said Plovo. He activated it and the holographic image of Galactor appeared before us.

"You cannot hide from me, Galacta, I know where you are at all times," the image spat. "I will not rest until you are long gone and I rule the galaxy as it's rightful heir!"

"Heir?" I asked.

"Shh," Plovo responded. The holographic image of the Galactic Overlord crackled and hissed. The very ground beneath his image blackened from the evil.

"Galactor, your evil ways will never rule my galaxy!" Her Highness looked as regal and commanding as ever. "I will not rest until you are hunted down and brought to trial for your crimes!"

"Dear sister, I would love very much for you to find me. As exciting as hurling radioactive meteors at a disgusting backwards planet is, extinguishing your life would be that much more!"

"Sister?" I asked.

"Shh," Plovo repeated.

The image winked out. The Queen of the Galaxy looked at me and her two royal agents.

"There is a traitor among us," she said.

"Oh man, game over!"

The Queen's Arrival

I stood there in the field with Agent Plovo, awaiting the arrival of Her Majesty, the Queen of the Galaxy. A scout ship landed first, the second agent who would be with us got out.

I ran up to him "Hey aren't you that private that keeps yelling 'Game over' whenever you see an Alien?" I asked.

"Oh yeah, but I surived two encounters with evil aliens. I totally got promoted, man. I'm not Private Hudson anymore, I'm Agent Hudson." he beamed and held out his hand to shake mine.

I looked over at Special Agent Plovo and he gave me a quick shrug. Agent Hudson then held up his finger and held his other hand to his earpiece. "The Queen is approaching."

A light blinked in the sky and slowly started moving across the heavens like a meteorite. It then started moving faster and towards us. The light grew brighter and it slowly descended in front of us. We were completely bathed in the warm radiance, but I could not look away.

"Announcing, Her Royal Majesty Queen Galacta IX," announced Plovo. The bright light shimmered and subsided. It was replaced by a tall humanoid of obvious regality. Her countenance was shining from within her very being. From deep within her soul, everything that was beautiful and bright in this universe shined outward and in all directions. She was the Queen of the Galaxy.

I gave a bow, "You Majesty, it is my pleasure to meet you. My planet is yours to enjoy."

"Rise," she commanded. "Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, we have heard much about you. Your strength, honor and courage is a credit to your species."

"Thank you, your Majesty."

"Please dispense with the formalities," she encouraged. "You cannot be calling us by our royal title while here. It would arouse too much suspicion."

"As you wish," I answered.

She started pulling out galactic travel brochures and pamphlets. "Earth is mostly quarantined, we do not want the unsavory elements of the universe tampering with your planet's development. But there are many wonders to behold here." She held up the brochures. "The Lost City of Atlantis, the Great Pyramids of Egypt and the lost city of the Mayans!"

She dropped her royal facade for just a moment, "Oooh, are we going to see my Great, Great Grand Uncle Quezecotl?" she squealed.

"We may," I replied. "Let's get started."

********************************************

"Tell me again what this is," she looked it over and over.

"That is an authentic Chicago hot dog," I replied. "There is nothing else like it. It has yellow mustard, bright green relish, fresh chopped onions, two tomato wedges, a Kosher pickle spear, two sport peppers, and a dash of celery salt. Be careful, the peppers are hot."

She took another bite. "Ooooh, this is so good. What is this 'hot dog' made out of?" she asked.

"Uh, basically all kinds of meat crammed into a casing," I answered a bit sheepishly.

"I have tasted many grand foods in all of my days as Queen of the Galaxy. Never have I tasted a delicacy such as this," she took another bite. "Thith ith tho delithouth," she added through a mouth full of hot dog and bun.

"I'm glad you like it," I replied. "Truth be told, I do not eat these very often, but every once in a while, I get a craving and a Chicago hot dog is the only thing that could satisfy it."

"Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I have something to speak to you of the upmost importance." She leaned closer, I could smell the onion on her breath. "You are a charismatic and noble man, you are to be my Royal Consort. You will produce several strong offspring for me."

"Queen Galacta, there is something I must tell you," I said.

She leaned closer, her lips neared mine....

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"Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, your galaxy needs you."

I've heard that plenty of times before. Once again, I stopped to look who was talking to me.

"I am Special Agent Plovo of Her Majesty's Secret Service," he introduced himself.

"Her Majesty's...?"

"Yes, Her Majesty the Queen of the Galaxy," Plovo answered. "May we talk?"

I didn't see why not. "OK," I answered.

"Jon, this is a very delicate situation. Queen Galacta is on a galactic goodwill mission, touring this sector. Her Highness very much wishes to tour Earth along the way."

"Most people on Earth are unaware of her existence," I said. "Earth is a very long way away from acceptance into the galactic community. Why would she come here?"

"While it is true that your planet is very..." Agent Plovo paused to find the correct word. "...Primitive, Her Highness still wishes to visit. It will be very discreet. Just Her Highness, myself and another agent and you. She wishes to remain incognito while on Earth, and she would like to see your planet from an Earther's point of view. Her majesty wants to see Earth in ways the guidebooks and the Holodocumentaries cannot show."

"That's why you need me," I concluded.

"Yes," he answered. "Being a man born from Earth, I assume that you have firsthand knowledge of your home planet."

"Does She wish to meet Earth leaders?" I asked.

"Oh God no," Agent Smith answered. "She just wants to see the sights. You could simply think of her as a very secret, super important, galactic ruler on holiday. She just wants to see the sights while she is in the area, so to speak."

"Well, Earth is a big place," I said. "But I know a few neat places around here."

"Very good," replied the agent. "I must remind you that discretion is of the upmost importance for Her Majesty's Royal Visit. The Queen has enemies and should anything happen to her, the resulting chaos could very well spell the end of our galaxy as we know it."

"Sure," I said. "I'm in. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Very good. She does not yet have a set itinerary, but she wishes to visit several places: the Aurora Borealis, the Fortress of Solitude, that Great Wall in China, and Wrigley Field."

I think regular visitors to my blog (I call them Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators) understand it. I am a real person, I live in Chicago, Illinois, USA. I am married and have a daughter named Kiera. I just happen to write about being an Intergalactic Gladiator and of my adventures in space. The Jr. Intergalactic Gladiators read my posts and, if they feel inspired (which I hope they do), leave me a message in the comments.

Often, though, I get someone to my blog that just doesn't quite get it. It really isn't his or her fault, as I usually whore for comments on the weekends by hanging out at Michele's site. These people wind up saying stuff like "Wow, looks like fun" or "What an imagination you have!"

I don't want to alienate my casual visitors. However, I also don't feel that they know how to comment on much of my material, so I often do different things for the weekend like talk about my daughter or post a word game. Therefore, to help facilitate comments for my blog, I have created for you some great prefab comments. They're easy to use, just copy and paste the one you want! No fuss no muss, it's easier than Easy Off and Easy Cheese combined!

So without further ado (or adon't) here are your ready-made comments:

• That's so funny!
  
• Looks like fun.
  
• Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you are so sexxay!
  
• I need more cowbell!
  
• I can't believe you ate the whole thing.
  
• Does this look infected?
  
• I've got to hand it to you for that one.
  
• Candygram for Mongo.
  
• Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, you're too sexy for your shirt.
  
• So that's what a cream cheese statue of Franklin D. Roosevelt looks like.
  
• I like the Wizard of Oz. I like the Tin Man.
  
• It's the Diet Mt. Dew of champagne.
  
• What do you mean, I can't keep the laser gun?
  
• Wow! What an imagination.
  
• Ten cases of beer! Awesome!!!!1!!
  
• Aw, that's so cute.
  
• Pennsylvania 6-5000.
  
• Well what did you expect? They were Oxnorains.
  
• My cat's breath smells like cat food.
  
• What!!!!!!!!!??????
  
• You my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!
  
• My shoe size is ____.
  
• Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, I curse the day you were born. May each of your breaths bring you closer to a painful, horrific death. You are dead to me.
  
• Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring banana phone.
  
• Mr. Intergalactic Gladiator, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
  
• A Force wedgie you will receive.
  
• Did you try resetting the phased redundancy pile of your IP Configurator?
  
• The mauve looks nice, but I just love the avocado.
  
• Did you see that one time when Mr. Henderson totally flipped out? That was so cool.
  
• Come on big bucks big bucks no Whammies!
  
• How come in Commando when Schwarzenegger was firing the M-60 at the end, the size of the ammo belt kept getting longer? I mean, that was such BS!
  
• Chips and dip! Chips and dip!
  
• Maybe somebody will want to take me home today, Mr. Peebles.
  
• I was very disappointed with the 5th Element. It had absolutely nothing to do with boron.
  
• It's just like John Astin as the Riddler -- it just isn't right.
  
• Those beer commercials are such crap. How's a train supposed to bring a blizzard to a football stadium?
  
• Maybe the next time you try that, you should leave your cape at home.
  
• I drew the Iggy.
  
• What does a god need with a starship?
  
• Boy, Larry King sure loves his prune juice.

So there you have it, your custom-made, pre-made, made-to-order comments for my comment section. Go ahead, give them a test drive. You'll love 'em!

Evil website!

In my many virtual travels around this INTERgalactic Network of Electronic Transmissions, I have come across many unusual places to visit. One of which, is The Gematriculator. Yes, that's right, a web-based device constructed to deduce just how evil your website is.

Now, my blog in it's current configuration has just a little too much stuff for the Gematriculator to calculate, so I used yesterday's post.

Of course, I am not sure how this virtual apparatus works, I assume it is a combination of super technology fused with magicks of the dark arts, but I am glad to say that my post is certified 69% good!



So there you go. I am certainly mostly good. No bludgeoning penguins or insider trading for me.

So how good or evil is your site? Mua ha ha ha!

On another note:

Qui-Gon Jinn is having a visit from my former sidekick and current protoplasmic entity Jo Jo the Monkeyboy. Click here for a look.

Fluke's Portfolio

I was leaving the studio that filmed "Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life" when I looked down and noticed something on the ground. Upon closer inspection, it appeared to be Fluke Starbucker's portfolio. It had a cover letter:

Dear Sir or Ma'am,

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity, enclosed you will find several glossy 8x10's of my previous work.

I have several years experience both on stage and in front of the camera. I also have a strong dance background in jazz, tap and ballet.

Please feel free to contact me should a need for my talents arise, you may email me at the address below or contact my agent at JJ Juice Talent Agency.

Sincerely, Fluke Starbucker
Fluke@starbucker.starcom

My glossy.



As demonstrated in several of these photos, I am capable of doing stunt work.



I have equestrian experience.


I am able to work well with others in a variety of different situations.


I can play the lead in an action movie...


A studious professor type...


A romantic lead...


De Niro has nothing on my chameleon-like ability to become the role.


Some say that I am Dynamite.


This is not actually from any production, Yoda is just one lazy old man.


And finally, my greatest role ever.