Intergalactic Date-A-Palooza

I was sitting there in a bar on Hacknor nursing a drink when Jon walked in and saddled up onto the stool next to me.

"Hey, what's up, Hudson?" he asked.

I took a gulp from my bottle of beer. "Aw nothing," I said. "You wouldn't understand."

"What do you mean?" he pushed. "Are you in some kind of trouble?"

"Naw."

"Is it work?"

"No," I answered. "Work's fine. I'm just..."

"I know," chuckled Jon. "It's women, isn't it?"

I took another pull of my beer and exhaled deeply. "You wouldn't get it. You're married."

"Hey, I know what it's like," Jon grinned. "I wasn't always married, you know. I've had my share of women problems."

"OK," I looked at him. "I'm not really lonely, you know, but it just seems that women don't get me. I'm a complex character. I'm not just a mindless, catchphrase-spewing nutball."

Jon paused awkwardly for a long time.

"Right."

"I feel like I don't date much because women don't understand who I am," I added. "A lot of times, they see me and it's game over even before anything's started."

Jon clapped his hands together. "I'll tell you what, I've got something for you. Hacknor is a bit of a tourist place, you know with the Fire Islands and the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment and all. There's an Intergalactic Date-A-Palooza here. I can get you in it."

"Intergalactic what?" I asked.

"Intergalactic Date-A-Palooza," he laughed. "It's speed dating. You get to meet lots of women and see if you can make a connection. It's pretty popular."

"Meet lots of chicks, huh?" I brightened up a bit. "Yeah, sure, I'll try it."

So I got to the event and one of the hosts handed me a nametag to fill out and put on my shirt, so I wrote "Private Hudson" on the sticker and slapped it over the nametag on my utility shirt. I sat down and waited for the bell to sound and my first date.

Ding



"Hey, I'm Tank Girl, yeah! Whoo, I have a tank! I shot Keslee right in his stupid holigraphic jerk face with cans of beer! BAM! Yeah awesome!"

"Hi, I'm Private Hudson. People call me Private Hudson."

"Yeah! Bam! I kicked his stanky water-hoarding butt! Pow!"

"Do you always talk like this?"

"Woo yeah alright! BAM! I gotta big tank gun, Feeling a little inadequate?"

Ding



"Hey, I'm Private Hudson, but you can call me the H-Man."

"Nnngk. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little."

"I thought Amazons had strong constitutions."

"We do."

Ding



"Senator Amidala?"

"No, I'm not Padme."

"Corde?"

"No."

"Dorme?"

"Bzzzt, wrong!"

"Verse?"

"Uh no, wrong again. Duh!"

"Then you must be Sabe, right?"

"God no. Can't you tell us apart? God!"

"Isn't that kind of the point? Are you Jamilla?"

"Ungh! You are such a loser!"

Ding



"I want you to know, this isn't going to work, eh."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking aboot, you and me. We'd never make it."

"Oh sure, you'd date Dave Coulier, but not me? You're crazy."

"Do not mention that name to me."

"Oh man, he must have really screwed you up, your sweater's on backwards and inside out."

"Shut up, jerk!"

"Hey, does he do that Bullwinkle impression all the time? I mean all the time. You know what I saying?

"I got one hand in my pocket, jerk, and the other's giving you the finger."

Ding



"Oh God, I can't believe you're here. I am not going to date you."

"Ranae? Is that you?"

"You do not call me that, Private. You address me as either ma'am or Lieutenant Commander Oneida."

"Yes, ma'am. I--"

"In fact, don't address me at all. There's a restraining order, you know. You are not supposed to be anywhere near me!"

"Well, yeah, that's true but--"

"Oh, I would rather eat broken glass than go out with you!"

"Yeah but--"

"I would rather launch my uterus out of a proton torpedo tube than date you!"

"Well that's a little--"

"I would rather lie down on the deck and let 5,000 clones march over me!"

"OK, OK, I get it."

"I would rather launch myself out into space, poke my eyes out with a stick and feed them to a mynock, then explode from the pressure than see you again!"

Ding



"Hey, are you like a dude or something?"

Ding



"Wow, you're a... wow, boy I'd like... I mean, wow I--"

Then she slapped me. Hard.

"What was that for?"

"I know what you're thinking. And quit staring at my chest, you pervert!"

Ding



"Hi, I'm Private Hudson."

"'Sup? My name's Xena. I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not sure what I want yet."

"OK, sure, that's OK."

"Yeah, it was with a woman, too. I sure do like the women."

"Yeah? (Oh boy!) I guess we have something in common, huh?"

"Yep, I sure do like the ladies. I think I'll like you, too. You got those nice, slender arms."

"I, uh..."

Ding ding ding

Well, that was the end of the speed dating session. I don't know, it didn't go too badly, did it?

Vogon Poetry

From the Vogon Poetry Generator.

See, see the motherly sky
Marvel at its big slime green depths.
Tell me, Private Hudson do you
Wonder why the warted toad ignores you?
Why its foobly stare
makes you feel fuzzy.
I can tell you, it is
Worried by your snergelfitz facial growth
That looks like
A bottle of ranch dressing.
What's more, it knows
Your purloined potting shed
Smells of booger.
Everything under the big motherly sky
Asks why, why do you even bother?
You only charm dead clowns.

Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord stalked towards me.

A low rumbling eminated from his throat.

I aimed my Commlink and fired the grappling hook at him. The minute harpoon pierced the seam between the torso and shoulder on his black armor. An evil gas hissed from the puncture as Galactor gasped and stumbled back.

As the overlord staggered back, I rushed up and pushed him further until we hit a window.

With a crash, the giant plate glass shattered and we both tumbled out. I managed to grasp the edge of the window frame as Galactor tumbled towards the ground. The monofilament cable snapped taut! I was caught holding the window ledge with an extremely heavy villain swinging a mere 10 meters below me.

Talis rushed up and grabbed my arm; he was joined by one of the Royal Commandos who was fortunately not injured from the attack. With our effort, the three of us managed to haul me back into the laboratory, my arm and the cable still running stretched tight out the window.

“Curse you, Earthman!” Galactor’s voice rumbled from outside, then the cable snapped free of his weight.

I leaned over the ledge and looked. I was joined by the Technomage and the commando. We didn’t see sign of Galactor anywhere.

“You did it, Gladiator!” exclaimed Talis. “You’ve beaten Galactor!”

Hudson poked his head out from behind a doorway. “He did?”

“I was lucky,” I said grimly. “I have a feeling that he’ll be back.”

Galactor’s fleet quickly cut and ran from the engagement. The ships that could, leaped into hyperspace. The Queen’s Royal Troops stormed the castle, liberated the indentured mages and captured any of the Overlord’s troops that remained.

With the all clear signaled, Her Majesty toured the edifice to survey the area Herself.

“Today is a glorious day, Intergalactic Gladiator!” She announced. “You truly have proven yourself a hero to the galaxy once again.”

“You sly dog,” Hudson punched me in the shoulder.

“Well, it’s not over,” I said. “Galactor got away.”

“Do not worry,” Queen Galacta said. “We shall have another opportunity to do just that. My evil brother will hatch another plot soon, perhaps in one week’s time.”

“What I don’t understand is, there’s a whole Mirror Universe out there where everything is the exact opposite of ours. Right?”

“That is correct,” Talis nodded.

“And there are evil duplicates of everyone here, doing everything that we do, but opposite.”

“That is also correct,” affirmed the Technomage.

“OK, so what was the Good Galactor doing while Evil Galactor was creating the vortex?”

“I hadn’t thought of that,” the sorcerer stroked his beard.

“And if everything that happens here happens there, but totally opposite, what was the Evil Galacta doing during this whole epidsode?”

“Hmmm,” contemplated the mage.

Everyone was silent for a while.

“Perhaps it is best that you simply don’t think about it,” he offered. “Clearly, few others have.”

Good Jon Vs. Evil Jon, Round Three

With an evil leer, Evil Jon fired his Wristcomm weapon at me. Quickly, I fired mine back and the two energy beams cancelled each other out.

“What the—?” we said in unison looking at our weapons.

“Oh that’s it, you pink shirt wearing goody good!” Evil Jon screamed as he dove at me.

“Bring it on, Khan!” I retorted. “Try to connect a few punches when you throw those fists around, you might get lucky!”

Evil Jon lunged and swung wildly at me but I blocked his attacks. I didn’t counterattack at all, I merely concentrated on defense.

“Oh, you can’t even take a swing at me? I knew it, ya flaming-lipped nerd!” he fumed.

“Beating down egg-sucking gutter trash like you really isn’t worth it to me,” I replied, coolly defending his punches and kicks.

“Oh that’s it!” he doubled his effort, but I continued with my defense.

“Punch ‘im! Punch ‘im!” Talis shadowboxed while watching.

Evil Jon grew angrier and angrier, his attacks grew fiercer. Just like our previous encounters though, I was able to “anticipate” the attacks, allowing me to block and parry everything coming my way.

“Oh, you’re such a dog-hugging hippy suck-knuckle!” Evil Jon screamed. “All I need to do is connect with one punch and you’re done!”

“Not gonna let that happen, garbage-eating goat herder!” Yeah, I suppose I was stooping down to his level when I started to insult him back. What can I say?

Evil Jon’s fury finally got the best of him. Growling, he took his wildest swing yet, I caught him, spun him around and threw him into the portal.

He tried coming back out of it, but a shining, imposing figure grabbed him from within the vortex and hauled him back. The figure then poked his head back out through the portal and gave a thumbs up gesture.

“Don’t worry!” he called out. “I’ve got him handled on this side!”

“Who are you?” Talis asked.

“Why, I’m Galactor, the Benevolent Galactic Overlord, of course,” he smiled.

“Klaatu brada nikto!” I called out and the vortex flashed. “We still have to get Evil Hudson back through!”

“Evil Hudson ain’t goin’ anywhere!” came a voice from the doorway.

A bloodied Evil Hudson was leaning against the doorframe. He leveled his weapon at me, took two steps forward and collapsed face-first onto the floor. Two Royal Commandos rushed up and hauled his body to the vortex.

The Mirror Universe Galactor hoisted the collapsed villain into the vortex, smiled and waved, and disappeared himself.

“Maybe you haven't been keeping up on current events but you just got your butt kicked, Evil Hudson!” Good Hudson called from the doorway.

I looked over to the Marine. “Hudson? Hey what happened?”

“Aw nothing I couldn’t handle,” he replied. “But don't ever ask me about it again. Let’s smoke this thing!”

He started firing into all the machinery in the room. The Royal Commandos joined him. Sparks flew, smoke spewed and the portal winked out of existence.

“Yo commando!” the commandos cried as the machinery erupted into flames.

Silently, Galactor appeared from out of the shadows and threw the three commandos across the room.

“You have destroyed my efforts for the last time.” Galactor advanced towards me.

“Oh man,” said Hudson. “Count me out…”

Showdown in the Citadel

Private Hudson, Talis the Technomage, the four remaining Royal Commandos and I were making our way through the corridors of the Edifice of Evil with little resistance. We met pockets of guards along the way, but they were no match for us.

“I’m surprised that we’re getting through this so easily,” I commented.

“First rule of combat in a building,” Hudson stated. “The team in small numbers inside the building can always fight through the superior force. I’ve totally seen it happen tons of times.”

“Yeah, it’s practically a cliché,” a commando offered.

“I hear that,” said another.

We rounded a corner and practically ran into an overwhelming force of Galactor’s troops. We dove for cover and exchanged fire with them, whittling away their numbers with our firepower.

The troops who weren’t wounded or down began pulling back. We pressed forward until the remaining few turned tail and ran. I turned to my side and saw one of the Royal Commandos on the ground, wounded.

“Forget… about me sir,” he gasped. “Carry on with the mission.”

“No way, troop,” I declared. “I’m not leaving a man behind.” I scooped him up onto my shoulders and carried on.

“Game on, babies,” came a voice from behind us. “Game on!”

We turned and Evil Hudson was standing there with a shotgun and a wicked smirk.

“Maybe you haven’t been keeping up on current events, but you’re about to get your butts kicked, pals.”

The commandos and Talis dove around a corner, I stumbled around behind him with the wounded soldier over my back. Good Hudson stood his ground.

“He’s mine,” he said with grim determination.

Good Hudson and Evil Hudson began firing at each other. Good Hudson’s rounds chewed up the wall all around Evil Hudson. Meanwhile, the barrel of Evil Hudson’s shotgun kept leaping up every time he fired. It became a noisy exercise in futility until both ran out of ammo.

With a screeching war cry, the two Hudson charged each other and quickly became a whirling dervish of hand-to-hand combat. Punches and kicks were thrown, but it quickly devolved into slapping and pulling hair.

The remaining group carried on. “This way,” Talis pointed.

We threw open the doors and there in front of us was the portal to the Mirror Universe.

“There it is,” said Talis. “Quick, Jon! Say the magic words!”

I approached the vortex. “Klaatu barada…”

“Nikto! Nikto!” Talis whispered urgently.

“OK, OK, I know, I know,” I replied.

“Klaatu brada --”

“Not so fast, choir boy!” came a familiar voice.

I turned and Evil Jon was standing there with his arms crossed and his own evil smirk on his face.

“No need to banish me,” he sneered. “I’ve had it with this jerkwater universe. Everyone’s always smiling and laughing at the dumbest crap. I hate everything here, I even hate the evil people here.”

“Really?” I asked incredulously.

“I’ve seen lame stuff before, but this place takes the friggin’ cake,” he started walking towards the portal. “Chocolate brownies, Meg Ryan movies, Christmas, Monkeyboys! I hate them all!”

“Well, I’m not going to argue with you on the last one,” I replied.

“I say goodbye to that, goodbye to you, and goodbye to this crummy universe.”

“Well OK, then,” a Royal Commando said.

“Hold on,” cautioned the technomage. “Don’t trust him…”

“Why shouldn’t you?” Evil Jon responded. “I’m unarmed, and I’m just going to walk right into the portal, here.”

“Well, go ahead, then,” I urged.

“Oh, I will,” Evil Jon stepped up to the portal, almost stepped into it, but stopped and gave me a sly grin.

To be continued...

Our Approach to the Citadel

The Planet: Hel

The Place: Just outside the Edifice of Evil.

The Mission: Banish Evil Jon (and anyone else who crossed over) back to the Mirror Universe, close the portal.

The personnel: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator (that's me), Agent to the Queen Private Hudson, Technomage Talis, lieutenant Garmyn and four other Royal commandos.

The Meal: Cup o' Soup

We were near the citadel, the lieutenant and I were surveying the area and I didn't like it.

"There's no way we can get through those front doors," I said nodding towards the giant steel entry. "It's too well guarded, we'd be cut to pieces before we even get within 10 meters of 'em."

"That's why we're going in through the secret entrance," said Talis. "Many members of my guild, myself included, were forced into servitude here. I was lucky to escape with my life, but before I got out, my brethren tattooed the blueprints of the edifice onto my body."

Talis opened the front of his robe; his chest was marked with an elaborate series of lines, angles, and layouts. Hudson, the LT and I leaned in closer for a look.

"That must be Galactor's throne," I surmised, pointing to a black dot.

"No, that's a mole."

"That must be the vortex," the lieutenant pointed to a pinkish circle.

"That's my nipple."

"What's this, a wave pool?" Hudson jabbed his forefinger towards the wizard's midsection.

"No, those are wrinkles," Talis sighed angrily. "I'm not a young man anymore."

"Fine," lieutenant Garmyn huffed. "Just where is the secret entrance, anyway?"

Talis closed his robe, turned around and lifted up the robe as he bent over.

"I, uh..." I stammered.

"That's uh..." Lieutenant Garmyn stuttered.

"Wow. Nice hole," Hudson whistled.

"The secret entrance is a tunnel that runs under the castle," Talis huffed. "When we made the tattoo, the only spot available to place it was on my right cheek."

"You know, if they just drew it a few inches to the left, you could've saved some ink," Hudson suggested.

"Enough!" Talis angrily threw his robe down and stood upright. "The entrance is just this way, I suggest we concentrate on our mission and forget about today's anatomy lesson."

"I've got the point," Garmyn stepped forward and started. "Move out smartly, boys."

The commandos spread out to cover our sides and rear, I stayed in the middle of the loose formation with Talis. As we approached the tunnel, Hudson trotted up towards the officer.

"Say, how many combat actions have you been in, LT?" he asked.

"Thirty eight... simulated," responded the commando leader.

"How many combat actions?" Hudson pressed.

Garmyn hesitated for a moment. "Uh, two. Including this one," he conceded.

"Crap," I thought out loud.

"Oh man..." Hudson said.

"Hey, listen," the officer started to get testy. "I am a Royal Commando, I have the best personal weapons and the best combat training the galaxy has to offer."

"Where've I heard that before?" Hudson rolled his eyes.

"Shut up, Private!" Garmyn really bit into the word the way only a newbie lieutenant could. "You will respect me! You will respect my rank! I outrank you and I'm not going to take that garbage from you!"

"Look, sir," I held up my hands. I had to disarm this situation. "This is probably the most dangerous mission of our lives. I think Hudson's just worried about what's ahead of us and wants to take point."

"Oh no, I'm not buyin' that, civilian," the officer chewed on that last word the same way. "I am a highly-trained Special Missions soldier. I've got the tools, and I've got the talent. I am not taking crap from that punk or from some wanna-be like you. I'm gonna--whulp! Ahhhhhh!"

A sewer demon appeared from the darkness of the tunnel and grabbed Garmyn. Garmyn's screams soon turned into bloody gurgles as the monster crushed him with his talons.

The remaining commandos bounded up and joined Hudson who was already unloading on the creature with his M41A. The monster staggered, but the rounds weren't taking him down. There was a sort of mystical toughness to the creature, but the firepower he was absorbing kept him from attacking us further.

"This is a frackin' tough monster!" a commando yelled through the gunfire.

"Bork yeah, he is!" yelled another.

I quickly ran to the LT's crumpled body. Dodging the demon, I grabbed a M-13 thermal grenade from his webgear.

Dodging another of the the demon's lunge, I hopped up on a large rock, armed the grenade and dove at the malevolent creature's shoulders.

The monster was startled by my attack, but swiped at me with his sharp claws. I tried my best to avoid them as I shoved the live explosive into it's mouth.

One of the commandos snapped to his senses and rushed to lend a hand. With a running leap, he gave the creature a flying kick which sent it stumbling back. The commando and I scampered to our feet and dove away from the exploding behemoth.

"Holy crud that was something!" the commando exclaimed between heavy breaths.

"That was definitely one tough monster," I said looking at the smoking remnants.

"Yeah, but what was with those shoes, man?" asked Hudson.

"I don't know, Hudson. I don't know."

Hudson lead the way into the tunnel, followed by a commando. I went in next with Talis and the three remaining commandos took up the rear.

Pssst, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but this is post150 for me. Thank you.

Double pssst, you should check out Big Brother: Naboo.

The Fleets Engage

The Queen's batlefleet exited hyperspace in the system hosting the Edifice of Evil. Galactor's frigates and gunships, standing guard near the planet, maneuvered to engage. I sat in the cockpit of the Danger Sled with Talis in the copilot's seat. Private Hudson sat in the navigator section behind the copilot. In the back, five of the Queen's best Royal commandos sat strapped into crash seats ready to spring into action when called upon. Our mission was a dangerous one and somehow, I got the feeling that we were going to lose some of them.

My ship was sitting poised in the launch bay of the Starship Z'heffershun, the plan was to ride the ship through the battle, using it's shields and firepower for protection. When the Z'heffershun breaks through Galactor's line of ships, we were to launch and fly down to the planet, get into the citadel and take care of business.

The capital ships quickly engaged with their heavy weapons as smaller fighters buzzed all around the battle. Meanwhile, we waited.

I turned to Hudson. "So you're an Agent of the Queen, right?"

"Uh huh," he nodded.

"And because of this, you act on her behalf?"

"That's right," he affirmed.

"And you're still a private?"

"Yeah, well, I guess the paperwork didn't come through yet," he started to get defensive. "It's a big galaxy, there's a lot of stuff going on."

"Now listen closely, Jon," interrupted Talis. "When we get to the vortex, I am carrying the magic totem that ties your evil duplicate to it, but you will need to say the magic words in order to banish him and close the portal."

"Magic words," I said. "Got it."

"You must be very careful and say these words exactly, or else who knows what could happen."

"Say 'em exactly," I replied.

"Now repeat after me, Klaatu barada nikto."

"Klaatu barada nikto," I parroted.

"Again."

"Klaatu barada nikto," I said again.

"Again."

"I got it, I got it. I know the words, OK?"

"Remember, you have to say these words exactly, or-- what are you doing?"

"I'm writing them down in my Blackberry."

"Does that have Bluetooth?" Hudson leaned over to take a look.

"Will you two stop?" Talis said exasperatedly. "Our mission is vital to the survival of the two universes. We don't have time to 'Yunk it up' or 'Get jingly with it.' A certain amount of decorum is needed when saving the Multiverse."

"Time to rock," I said as the signal pinged. With thrusters firing, the Danger Sled shot out of the launch tube aimed straight for the planet. The pilots of smaller fighters tried to swarm my ship, but we catapulted past them with such velocity that they couldn't keep up.

Towards the planet we rocketed, faster than any enemy weapon could track us. We approached the ground with such speed that we were all on the verge of blacking out when the ship's guidance systems made a quick turn, skimmed the wasteland just above the ground and slowed down to a more survival speed.

I dropped the landing gear and the Danger Sled slowed to a hover, then settled into the dry earth. After everyone breathed a sigh of relief and checked to see if we were all more or less intact, we grabbed our gear and exited the ship.

"There she is, boys," I said squinting up at the edifice. "Let's go."

Meanwhile, at the Dark Castle

The Mirror Universe Jon materialized in the laboratory housing the portal. The knife dropped to his side as he looked around. When he saw Galactor, he angrily stalked up to the overlord.

"I almost had him," Evil Jon growled. "I can't believe you yanked me across space back to here. I should gut you like a fish!"

"Pay heed, human" Galactor intoned. "You would not have bested him in combat there or in any other situation. That's why I need you to go back to your universe."

"Feh, I've had enough of that suckhole, I'm staying here to party."

"You don't understand, mortal," the overlord continued. "I need you to go back and get reinforcements. With the strength of an evil horde, we will overrun both universes."

"Oh I got it, Jimbo," Evil Jon smiled an evil smile. "And I know who to bring to the party."

Evil Jon stepped through the portal. Later, the portal opened again and the Mirror Universe's version of Jon stepped through with his companion, Evil Hudson.
"Oh yeah," Evil Hudson laughed. "Game on, baby. Game on."

I materialize into...

The transporter room of what appears to be a starship. I am greeted by an officer who offers his hand after a snappy salute.

"Welcome aboard, sir," he said. "I'm Captain Konali."

I looked around, just a little bewildered and quite a bit disoriented from the trip. "Where am I?"

"Galaxy One, the pride of the fleet," he answered. "Please allow me to escort you to the bridge."

He took me to the bridge where I met with the flag officers onboard. The number of admirals, captains and colonels was surprising. But not quite as surprising as who was sitting in a command chair.

"Your Majesty," I said as I dropped to my knee and bowed.

"You may rise," Queen Galacta nodded. "It is indeed Our pleasure to see you again. We only wish the circumstances were less dire. It is not an overstatement when We say that the fate of the Galaxy hangs in the balance."


"My Queen," I said. "I am sure that there is something very important going on here, but I must say that I have my hands full with a Mirror Universe duplicate of myself running around."

I paused for just a moment as it started to sink in.

"Which is why I am here," I realized. "It's about him, isn't it?"

"Very much so, Jon," Galacta answered. "We are at a crux of the two universes. With Evil Jon's crossing, the barrier is weakened. Please allow Talis, my Technomage, to elaborate."

Talis stepped forward. "It is like Her Majesty said, Evil Jon passing through is just the very beginning. Galactor will bring more denizens of the Mirror Universe through, and with every being who crosses over tips the scales of good versus evil in their favor."

"I see," I said.

"Worse still," continued Talis. "With the weakening of the Dimensional Barrier, the very fabric of time and space may collapse. The Multiverse is not designed to be transversed this way."

"And you want me to get Evil Jon back on his side and close that portal." I surmised.

"The galaxy needs you, Jon," the Queen announced. "Your duty is clear. Our battlefleet is staged to make a push to the planet. When Our fleet engages his, you should have the opportunity to slip past in your ship and get to the dark stronghold."

"Once there," Talis continued. "You must force Evil Jon through the portal and close it. I cannot tell you how vital your task is."

"And I am to do this alone?"

"Talis will join you," Queen Galacta stated. "You will also bring a small commando team as well as a Special Agent who will act on My behalf."

"Wait a minute," I said. "Who's the agent?"

The door slid open. Private Hudson stepped through. "Game over for the bad guys, huh Jon?"

A Master of Evil Watches...

Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord watched the gladitorial bout on his viewscreen. His evil smirk as the match began waned as it progressed, but if he was distressed, it didn't show.

He turned to one of his followers, Dr. Nemonok. "Interesting. I would have assumed that an evil version of Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator would have all of the good one's brains and abilities plus the evil attributes. Despite this, they are too evenly matched."

If there was disappointment in the outcome, he did not show it. Galactor simply stated as he saw, his evil voice rumbling the way it always would.

"Very interesting indeed," observed Nemonok. Dr. Nemonok was once a brilliant psychiatrist. His gift of understanding the psyche of many sentient beings throughout the galaxy was well known and well revered. Because of his status, his descent into darkness came as a surprise to all who knew him. It was discovered that Nemonok had devised ways of mental abuses so hideous, that he was immediately stripped of his license and locked away from the rest of the universe to keep his perverse tortures from everyone else.

Quickly liberated by the overlord, the villainous scientist joined Galactor's ranks and promptly became one of his favorite advisors. Even as his body decayed away with incessant contact with such tremendous evil, Nemonok continued as a sort of second to Galactor, specializing in mental torture and abuse. Galactor rewarded Nemonok's loyal service with everlasting life, as a disembodied brain encased in a jar.

"It appears," continued Nemonok. "That despite all of Evil Jon's apparent advantages. They are still evenly matched. Good Jon would still know all of Evil Jon's tricks and be able to counter them."

"Most unfortunate," rumbled Galactor. "We will then have to tip the scales in our direction."

Meanwhile, I was making my way back to the Danger Sled after the long bout when Evil Jon suddenly sprung out from the shadows brandishing a vorpal knife. I wasn't surprised by his appearance, as I felt it coming.

I can't quite describe the feeling, it is the feeling one would get when near a mirror universe version of him or herself. If you've never been in this situation, then I don't know how to elaborate. It's like a buzzing in my head, but it's not.

Despite this, I still had difficulty dodging the attack. The molecular-edged blade swung past me, cleaving the front of my shirt and tearing a slash across my chest.

"I'm going to gut you like a fish, you Nancy-boy hero to the common man!" Evil Jon growled.

I swung my leg at his hand. "You should really stop trying to insult me like that," I answered. "It's all stuff that I know is coming and it's actually kind of funny."

My leg connected with his hand, but the knife didn't fly from his grip. Instead, he spun around with the force of the blow and tried to cut me while swinging around.

I ducked the attack and grabbed his arm. Clutching it, I spun into him, giving me leverage to throw him over my shoulder. He landed on his back, but my leg gave out as I threw him and I dropped to my knees.

With a fearsome war cry, Evil Jon plunged his knife towards my head. Suddenly, dark energy danced around him and he began to dematerialize.

"What? No!! Son of a bi--" his howl disappeared into an echo.

I barely had time to wonder what was happening when a soft, fuscia energy surrounded me. I felt the transporter beam start to disassemble my molecules. Where would this beam take me?

An Ersatz Christmas Carol

Professor Xavier's Great Mutant Race 2 is over, you should check out who won. You may be surprised.

I will pick up my Evil Jon storyline Monday, but there's something really interesting that happened that I just have to tell you about...



I awoke with a start. Jo Jo the Monkeyboy's ghostly visage was standing over me.

"Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator," he howled. "Do not make the same mistake I did."

"What do you want with me?" I asked.

"Much," he answered.

My wife rolled over, peeked at the specter through her sleepy eyes. "Hey Jo Jo," she murmured.

"Hi." Jo Jo waved and my wife rolled over back to sleep. "Jon I have come to warn you. You do not have the Christmas Spirit!"

"What are you talking about?" I asked.

"You will be visited by three ghosts!" Jo Jo continued. "The ghosts of Christmases Past, Present and Future. They will show you --"

"Wait," I interrupted. "Why are they visiting me?"

"Without their visits, you will suffer a great fate, for you do not possess the true spirit of Christmas, the spirit of giving is unknown to you!"

"What do you mean I don't have the true spirit of giving?" I asked. "Did you see all those presents that were under our tree? Did you see how much stuff Kiera got? I even got my mother-in-law a present."

"Say what, bwauth?"

"And on top of it, it's now past Christmas!" I exclaimed. "Heck, it's almost a week after New Years!"

"Oh man," Jo Jo pulled out a long scroll and peered at it intently. "Oh gosh, bee-auth, I'm not even supposed to visit you." He showed the scroll to me.

I read the name at the top. "Jan the Intergalactic Aviator? Who's that?"

Jo Jo shrugged. "I dunno. Well, I guess I gotta go see her though, huh Johnny Bon Bon? Take care now, buddy bones! I'll see you later!" He looked at his scroll again. "Much later. Hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha hah hah hah hah hah!"

I thought that I'd never hear that awful raking laughter again. I still wish that I didn't.

"Oh wait, before I go!"

"Yes?"

"I'm gonna leave you a Christmas Present! Rudy the Red-Toed Reindeer! Hoo hoo ha ha ha ha ha hah hah hah hah hah!"

"Gee, thanks," I said as the apparition disappeared into the night.

Jon Vs. Jon, the Fight.

Our the battle went as you might imagine. My counters matched his punches, his blocks matched my kicks. We were equals in every sense of the word.

I managed to grab his arm and toss him over my shoulder, and he quickly flips to his feet.

He sweeps my legs and I roll back to my feet.

The crowd was at first very enthused to see this take place. They became listless at the 25 minute mark when neither of us could gain advantage. They then grew distracted as we reached the 1 hour time limit.

My fists were sore from punching his fists. His knuckles were raw from punching mine.

We punched each other in the fists again.

"Just fall down, you panty-wearing sissy!" he growled. That was followed by a string of expletives that would burn your retina should you actually have been able to read it.

"Nasty," I replied. "I can't believe I would say something like that."

"Shaddap, you cake-eatin' mama's boy" Evil Jon snarled back.

Evil Jon tried a few nasty tricks, but I knew those were coming, too. I knew everything that he would do because it was something that I wouldn't. Every cheap shot and low blow was "telegraphed" by my "twin."

My whole right side felt like it was one big bruise, his right side seemed to match mine.

After the time limit, the bell rang and some of the beings in the crowd booed and hissed their dissatisfaction. We limped out of the arena in opposite directions. J'onn Sinew Nu was waiting for me.

"That was awesome!" he exclaimed. "A time limit draw never happens around here. What a magnificent performance. Oh just imagine the revenue we'll generate with the rematch! The T-shirts! The foam fingers! The action figures!"

Sinew Nu rubbed his hands together with glee.

"I can't believe you made this match!" I grunted. "Messing with the fabric of the universe is dangerous. On top of that, we now have an evil me running around here. Who's to say that he won't try to kill me to take my place?"

"Oh he wouldn't do that," harrumphed Sinew Nu. "He signed a contract."

"But he's evil," I tried to reiterate. "Who's to say that he's going to honor that contract?"

Sinew Nu was silent for a moment.

"He wouldn't do that," he said as-a-matter-of-factly. "Nobody would dishonor a contract like that. Well, maybe a lawyer."

I shoved Sinew Nu out of the way and limped into the locker room.

"Hey! Are you sure that you're the Good Jon?"

Intergalactic Interlude

On a planet befouled by evil, in a construct merging vile science with dark magicks he stood gazing over images on the viewscreen.

"He has confounded my plans," the dark figure announced to no one in particular. "He has stood in my way and he will be destroyed."

Several scientists stood hunched over their computers and working on equipment. Dark mages hummed their evil incantations. One scientist dared to speak to his evil master.

"Master," he bowed. "The Conflux of Evil is nearly complete. The portal will soon be opened."

The dark figure grew darker, the air around him befouled by his very presence. "My greatest enemy will soon be my greatest ally. The irony is sweet."

"Great Lord, technically your enemy will not become your ally," the scientist bowed lower. "It will be a hulff--"

"Silence!" With a powerful backhand, the scientist was sent sprawling across the room and into a corner, his neck broken.

"Hmm, he was a good evil scientist, too." The malevolent master snapped his fingers and two beings scurried to take the body away. "Reanimate him, it would be unfortunate to squander such good material. Also, download his brain, his mind would be a terrible thing to waste."

"Yes my Lord." The beings dragged the body out of the room. The zombified scientist's brain would be preserved as data even as his resurrected body decayed away.

The technomages raised their arms as their chanting grew in intensity. The scientists threw switches and turned dials. The humming of the dark machinery increased. Giant arcs of energy leaped between diodes. A rip formed in the air and a tear between universes yawned wide.

A dark figure stepped through the opened portal. "Who summoned me?" Evil Jon said, a vicious grin cracked across his face.

The terrifying tyrant laughed heartily.

"I have," said Galactor, the Evil Galactic Overlord.

Jon The Intergalactic Gladiator vs. ---?

In the Horizon Amphitheater on one of the Fire Islands of Hacknor.

"Ladies and gentlemen!" called the announcer into the microphone. "Welcome to the main event. In this corner, the pride of Planet Earth, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator!"

Cheers rang up as I stepped into the arena and into view. I thought about what J'onn Sinew Nu said just a few moments ago...

"Oh, you'll like who your opponent is tonight, Jon!" he said. There was glee in his eye.

"Who is it?" I asked.

Sinew Nu just smiled. He rubbed his hands together the way he does when he smells a big payday.

"You'll see!" he laughed.

I suppose that it doesn't really matter who my opponent is. I take on all comers, no matter the challenge. It helps to know who it could be, though. You know, for preparation, to work on my gameplan.

My thoughts bounced back to the here and now. I looked up to the crowd and held up my fists, the crowd's cheering amped up several decibels.

"And introducing, his opponent...!" The heavy doors rolled open and a shadowy figure emerged from the portal.

"...Evil Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, from the Mirror Universe!"

Happy New Year

Happy New Year from the Intergalactic Gladiator.

Since personal improvement has always been a hobby of mine, my New Year's resolution is to make this blog as entertaining as I possibly can.

That's right, my promise to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators is to make this the funniest, cleverest, most compelling blog about an Intergalactic Gladiator available on the InterNET.

Starting right after this post.

Probably.