Exterminator? Eliminator? Instigator?

On a cool night, in the belly of the city, the darkness was interrupted. Lightning flashed and an unusual ball of energy formed on the wet concrete underneath an overpass. Electricity crackled and something formed within the sphere of ionic power.

The fury subsided; the form within was a man crouching low. With his high voltage womb dissipating, the unclothed man stood up and surveyed his surroundings. This surely must be the place.

A gang emerged from the shadows. “Hey nature boy, what are you doing on our turf?” one of the thugs called out.

“Giff me your clothes and your shoes,” the naked man stated flatly.

“Screw you, buddy!” With a flash, the blade of the stiletto in the punk’s hand snapped to life.

With no regard for their lives, the naked man dispatched the aggressors with ease. Stripping them down, he took their boots, pants, a shirt, and leather jacket. To complete the look of the locals, he snatched the sunglasses from off one of his mangled victims.

Stiffly walking down the city street, the hulking man found a convenience store and stepped inside.

“I require a phone book,” the man coldly told the clerk in an unusual European accent.

The clerk pointed him towards the phone book.

The man grabbed the book and quickly flipped through all of the pages.

“There are a lot of Jons,” he said flatly, showing little disappointment.

“What did you say, pal?” asked the clerk.

The man paused for a moment, as if choosing from a list of what to say.

“Shut up, gas bowl.”



The doorbell to my front door rang. I looked through the window, but I didn’t recognize the leather jacketed man standing there. I unlocked the bolt and pulled the door open.

“Yes?”

“Are you Jon zeh Intergalactic Gladiator?” the man asked.

“Uh… how did you…?”

The man quickly produced a sawed-off shotgun from underneath his jacket and fired. I dove out of the way of the blast and hurled myself over the living room couch. Foam and cloth exploded as the man fired the second shot from the double barreled weapon. As the empty shells clattered to the floor, I stood up and fired the sonic stun blast from my Wristcomm at him.

“You’re veapon ist useless. You vill be terminated.” He advanced towards me.

I scrambled back and grabbed one of my blaster pistols. I swung the weapon around at him and loosed several lances of phased energy right at his chest. The blaster bolts slammed into him and shredded his leather jacket. His flesh burned away where he was hit and I was startled to see what was underneath – wires popping and sparking and servos whirring.

“You vill be terminated,” the monster repeated and stiffly lunged towards me.

I dodged his attack and leapt out the window, firing my pistol at the glass to shatter it.

I tumbled to the ground and rolled to absorb my fall. I quickly sprang up and sprinted into my back yard. Throwing myself over the fence, I glanced back and saw that this cyborg or whatever he is charging towards me.

Running down the alleyway, I looked at the pistol in my hand. “Well Betsy,” I said to her. “Looks like we’re in some deep stuff now.”

Elsewhere, a second ball of energy crackled and thundered to life. A second naked man stood up and looked at his surroundings. He saw the crumpled remains of the two bikers and knew that the Terminator was not far away.

Meanwhile, in my mad dash from the stalking behemoth, I managed to make my way into a junkyard. I looked around at my options. I had few.

“You vill be terminated,” the machine man said a third time.

“I heard you the first time!” I yelled as I fired at the oil drum next to him.

The oil drum exploded and the flaming fluid splashed all over him. He calmly walked through the flames and continued towards me. From behind his back, he produced an Uzi 9mm submachine gun.

What is it with me and these last stands in junkyards?

That's no moon, that's a... uh...

I've Been Everywhere

I was totin' my pack along the long dusty Winnamucka road
When along came a semi with a high canvas covered load
If you're goin' to Winnamucka, Mack with me you can ride
And so I climbed into the cab and then I settled down inside
He asked me if I'd seen a road with so much dust and sand
And I said, "Listen! I've traveled every road in this here land!"

I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the mountain air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere

I've been to:
Reno
Chicago
Fargo
Minnesota
Buffalo
Toronto
Winslow
Sarasota
Wichita
Tulsa
Ottawa
Oklahoma
Tampa
Panama
Mattawa
LaPaloma
Bangor
Baltimore
Salvador
Amarillo
Tocapillo
Pocotello
Amperdllo

Here we go
I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the Hacknor air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere

I've been to:
Babylon
Chiron
Chthon
Lamarckia
Wysanti
Houston
Korridon
Tarkalea
Mogo
Kosmos
Z’ha’dum
Tralfamadore
Hel Rock
Gor Rock
Tortuna Rock
Eternia
Etheria
Thundera
Rimmerworld
Dam-Ba-Da
Qujaga
Hera
Dagobah

For Pete's sake
I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the Hacknor air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere

I've been to:
Mustafar
Drongar
Burmle
Chapek
Wormulon
Cannibalon
Cybertron
Unicron
Abydos
Athos
Argos
Caprica
Faraway
Hathaway
Erra-Tay
Delta Prime
Finnea Prime
Jellico
Krankor
Kregan
K-PAX
Mor-Tax

See What I mean
I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the Hacknor air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere

I've been to:
Prysmos
Talos
Kairos
Cthulhu Mythos
Cartago
Scorpio
Helos
Plateau
Gallifrey
Bilbringi
Corscant
Corellia
Hurcha
Joralla
Moria
Mar Sara
Thanagar
Asgard
Astra
Giedi Prime
Cardassia Prime
Earth Prime
Ando Prime

What a good time
I've been everywhere, man
I've been everywhere, man
Crossed the deserts bare, man
I've breathed the Hacknor air, man
Of travel I've had my share, man
I've been everywhere

The Assault on Onslaught

I was sitting in the dugout, just out of Onslaught’s view. I was waiting for my chance to strike. I owed him big time for what he did last week. Normally, I keep a sense of humor about me when I’m in a tough situation; it helps ease tension and also keeps my mind working until I find a solution to whatever problem I am encountering. Today is an exception. Today I will not be making with the yucks.

My jaws were growing sore from clenching my teeth; I hadn’t even realized that I was grinding them like that. I was getting antsy until it was my time to jump in. Some of the stronger heroes were wearing him down first, but then I heard Fred the Fox give me the signal. Let me tell you, in all of my years I never would have thought that I’d ever take orders from a talking fox.

I cupped my hand to my mouth and let out a long howl. Any dog within earshot would come running. Having a pack of dogs attacking and running around Onslaught would distract him and allow the heroes to take him down. As you know, in situations like this, dogs are never injured. They always outrun the fireballs and dodge train wrecks and stuff.

A tan mutt yipped and hopped up and down in front of me.

“Hey poochie!” I said to the hound. “Where’s all your friends?”

The dog barked and looked up at me with his tongue hanging out.

“What do you mean ‘you’re it?’” I asked. “I called all the dogs in the area. There should be dozens of them.”

The dog hopped up on his hind legs, spun around, and barked some more.

“They’re busy? Oh for the love of -- This is important! I need everyone’s help to stop Onslaught!”

The dog looked at me, twisted his neck to one side, and then barked again.

“Aww jeez,” I rubbed my face. “Well I’m not sending you out there. You’re all by yourself, he’ll squash you.”

The dog growled and spun around and barked.

“No no,” I answered. “It’s just too dangerous.”

The dog looked at me, then looked at the carnage out on the ball field, then looked at me again.

“I’m serious. Don’t do it.”

The dog tore off towards the villain, barking and growling. Onslaught looked down at the mutt, paused for just a moment, then booted him over my head and into the stands. I peered out from my vantage point and saw him laying there with a sad dog look.

“Are you OK?”

He whimpered back at me.

OK. Dog’s fine and it’s showtime. Hey that rhymes! So does rhyme! OK, OK, I’m getting distracted; it’s my turn to take a shot at that scarlet and maroon behemoth. I ran out of the dugout towards Onslaught. I fired Betsy from my right hand and my Wristcomm was strapped to my left. From it, I fired the sonic blasts at him.

Wolverine, Magdalena, Iceman, and Vegetta working together had him reeling. They also got his helmet off. Without that protection, enough exposure to my sonic attack should bring him down.

Onslaught howled, he had Mags in his clutches and was squeezing her with tremendous force. I fired again and the laser bolts slapped his face.

“AH THAT STINGS!” he howled. He tossed Mags to the side and started towards me. I kept shooting him with my blaster pistol as well as hitting him with the sonic assault, but he pressed forward towards me.

“Uh, little help here,” I said out loud.

The brutish villain refused to stop. I kept hitting him and hitting him, but he just wouldn’t stop.

“Uh, anyone?” I said. “Little help!”

Howling in rage, Onslaught pulled his giant fist back.

“Anyone?”

Kicking his howl up a notch, he hurled his giant armored ham of a fist at me.

“ANYONE?”

It felt like my insides were being torn around. I felt sick as my stomach did somersaults inside my guts. My vision snapped to, though and I realized that I was back in the dugout and Onslaught never did hit me. Captain Koma teleported me away at the last possible second. I looked across the field at Onslaught. He was yelling, of course.

“YOU WEAK FOOL!” he shouted. “I AM DOING ALL THIS FOR YOU! IT IS THE VENGENCE THAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS! THAT YOU ARE TOO SPINELESS TO TAKE FOR YOURSELF!”

With that, Onslaught’s armor cracked away and he fell first to his knees, then flat on his face. Gaia and Fred stood over his crumpled form. I could have sworn that I heard the fox say “Game over.”

SNL Trims Some Fat

Last night as my wife and I were watching TV, the local NBC affiliate ran a teaser that several cast members were leaving Saturday Night Live. I suppose that it may have been a slow news day, I know there certainly isn't anything else interesting going on, so you should definitely tease what's happening on SNL, right?

This being the digital age, I jumped on my computer (well not literally, you know what I mean) to find out who is getting the ax. I found an article stating that Horatio Sanz, Finesse Mitchell, Chris Parnell are the three getting their walking papers. I can't say that I'll miss Parnell, he plays too many blatantly stereotypical effeminate characters and pantless perverts for my tastes. He was also fired once before, so it's that much easier to get rid of him again.

I guess it's unfortunate that Mitchell is gone too. I liked some of the stuff that he did, but he didn't get enough air time and many of the African American characters that he would play can go to Kenan Thompson, who not only is black, but he's also fat and he starred in Good Burger, so he's got to be that much funnier, right?

I have mixed feelings about Horatio, too many of his skits devolved into him breaking character and laughing and he couldn't have done a worse job hosting Weekend Update (subbing for Tina Fey when she had her baby) if he had marbles in his mouth, but he was a fairly reliable contributer who had funny moments satirizing Gene Shallit, Ozzy Osborne, Elton John and others.

Tina Fey and Rachel Dratch have also departed for 30 Rock. At least I think Dratch is on that show, it's gotten retooled or rewritten or something along the way and her part was written out/altered/killed off/something. Even though their talents will be missed, I suppose it's good because now Maya Rudolph may get some camera time back.

I've been a big fan of SNL for a long time, even it's lean years. Even though the classic Not Ready For Prime Time Players did some of the funniest, most subversive stuff in the history of television, I started watching the show in the 80's which featured the comedy of Phil Hartman, Dana Carvey, Jan Hooks, Dennis Miller, Julia Sweeney, Chris Farley and David Spade. Because of this, most of their work remains some of the favorite and most memorable to me. There was another guy in there, too. Who was that, Mike Meyers or something?

My wife is gaga over Will Ferrell, so I would be remiss if I didn't mention his contributions. After a choppy start, I think he did some really great stuff on SNL as well. Although, I have to say that I think my impersonation of Harry Caray blows Ferrell's out of the water.

So getting back to the present. I think that the current group of players will be pretty strong. Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg, and the aforementioned Maya Rudoph remain my favorites. Will Forte and Seth Meyers have their moments and you have to keep Darrell Hammond on, evidently, because no one else can do a Phil Donahue impression.

Now for your opinion, what's some of your favorite SNL stuff from over the years? Anyone want to stand up for Joe Piscopo or Charles Rocket? How about the other side of the coin, who or what was so bad on the show that it drove you crazy?

Flashbacks

With an electronic whine, the jump engines engaged. For just a moment, even though I felt like my back was leaning against the seat, my stomach was in the far wall, my teeth were in the wall in front of me, and my ankles were somewhere back on Hacknor. Reality turned red, then snapped back into place and I looked around. Everyone was gasping and looking around surprised themselves. I looked at Jan and she said "That was not supposed to happen." "Tell me about it," I said back to her. We both got up and looked up and down the aisles, everyone looked agitated but OK. "The cockpit," Jan looked at me. "We have to check out the crew." We made our way to the front when I stopped and looked at the artist on the deck. He had a quarter-sized hole in his chest and he wasn't moving. Jan saw him, too. "He's not breathing!" Jan said with her ear against his chest. "He's dead." "Looks like Lucky Pierre isn't so lucky," I said grimly.

I reached to a pressure point on Gollux and activated a hidden release. The suit began to peel away, revealing the obnoxious artist within it. "Now the fact that you killed a clone of yourself isn't that bad," I said with half a grin. "In fact, I'm sure the courts would be quite happy that you are responsible for keeping two of you from running around loose. The ship's crew phased into the wall, on the other hand, is an entirely different matter. Pierre leapt up, brandishing a pistol from a hidden pocket. "very clever of you, you unevolved cretin. I'm afraid, however, that when this ship exits hyperspace, I'll just be on my way, then. You see, this pistol fires the same molecular acid-filled projectiles that the probe did. I am going to be the only person walking out of here alive, if neccesery." "You're forgetting one thing, though, Pierre," I said. "Oh, and what's that?" he sneered. "You're not wearing the Bioarmor." With a sonic blast, Pierre crumpled to the ground. I shot him twice more just to be sure. "Unbelievable," Jan shook her head in amazement. "Rather," agreed Jeeves. "You sir, are a master detective, indeed." "Yeah, you may be right," I said. "I'm kind of like Matt Houston, Sherlock Holmes, and Jaques Clouseau all rolled into one." "Who, who, and who?" asked Jan. "Forget it," I said as the ship decanted out of hyperspace, entering the Orion system.

"You can take that contract and stick it, Sinooze-You-Lose," I said back to him. "I'm heading to my ship to play Halo." "If you don't get back here this instant," Sinew Nu blustered. "You can consider yourself permanently suspended!" "You're not the boss of me," I snapped back at him. "Jeez, you're just like my old man! I don't need you, I don't need anybody!" "Why! Why! Why!" Sinew Nu was at a loss for words. "Ha ha, if you're face was any redder, I could take it home and use it as a stop sign, although stop signs usually aren't square." "Look," he tried to reason, but I wasn't gonna listen. Stupid adults always talking. "I'll let you go take a break. You know, ah-a vacation or something. We'll write it into the storyline or something, but you're too valuable of an asset to let us lose you." "Blah blah blah," I mimicked. "You're just like everybody else. You don't care about me, you just care about makin' money. Forget it, I'm goin' cruising down at the DQ. Later, jerkstore." "Jon..." Sinew Nu's mouth hung open. He didn't know what to say, but then he composed himself. "I told you, if you don't come back, you're suspended. I'm serious!" I headed for the door, then I turned back and flipped him the bird from both hands. Ha ha, that'll show him. I also gave him my best punk rock sneer ever. It was a sneer that would make Johnny Lydon proud, if he weren't a lame old man, too.

"You think you can destroy me?" he roared. "I am not so easily defeated, asphinctersayswhat." "What?" came Garth Vader's (the one in the cowboy hat) reply. "Exactly!" Garth Vader (the first one) sneered with a goofy, but evil grin. He then pulled out a pair of drumsticks and started playing the extended drum solo from Inna Gadda Davida on the wreckage of the GNAT device. The sonic vibrations from the beats and fills caused the other Garth Vader to take a step back and hold up his arm in an attempt to deflect the onslaught. "Wait," said Garth Vader (the second one). "There's something I must say." "What is it?" asked the metalhead version of Garth Vader. "I just wanted to say that I quit the business," he announced. "I feel that my talents and efforts are not appreciated, therefore I feel it is my time to retire from the evil conquering the galaxy business." "Uh, OK," the other Garth Vader looked around slightly confused. "Good." "Oh and one more thing," the Stetson-clad Garth Vader continued. "I would like to announce my return to the evil conquering the galaxy business." "Huh?" asked the first Garth Vader. Jan and I looked at each other and shrugged. "Oh, I have another announcement to make," Garth Vader (the country music superstar version) announced. "I would like to say that I am now retiring because I feel that my talents are not appreciated. Now I would like to announce that I am un-retiring. Now I wish to retire to spend time with my family. Now I am un-retiring again. Hey look! Now I'm Chris Gaines! Now I'm Garth Vader again. Now I wish to retire to spend time with my family. Ooops, I just got divorced, guess I'll un-retire again. Well, it's been a long road, but now I have to say that I now wish to retire. Nope, I'm back." "Wait, are you retired or not?" asked Garth Vader (the other one). "I'm so confused!" The Garth Vader in the cowboy hat ignited his lightsaber and stepped forward. "Don't make me destroy you. We could rule this galaxy together as villain and sidekick!" "OK, I guess I'll join up with you. NOT!" The Garth Vader with the glasses ignited his own lightsaber. The two charged each other, blades flashing and crashing against each other. Jan and I slipped out of the room and headed down the corridor.

How to speak Chicago.

For some reason, it seems like the movie purposefully left 15 minutes of blank space right there so the monkeyboys can all get in their own catchphrases. Accordingly, the audience of monkeyboys crescendos into a loud roar. I can see non-sidekick audience members glaring back and forth at each other. The monkeyboys are having a lot of fun, but everyone else seems awfully disgusted. The movie continues and I look over at Sinew Nu, he is smiling at the whole proceedings, no doubt dreaming of ways to spend all of the money he is going to earn with this venture. I swear, if it were possible, there would be dollar signs popping up in front of his eyes right now. I see two tourists finally get up in a huff. They storm past me and the woman looks at me crossly. “We’re here on vacation and we just wanted to see a movie,” she yelled at me. “This is horrible!” “I hope you go to Hel!” the man growls as they stomp off. “Did you hear that?” I asked Sinew Nu. “What? No, I was watching the movie,” he answered. “Oh this is going to be the blockbuster event of the summer!”

Seperated at Birth!

Love is drugs?

“You wanna be a cowboy, you need a hat, rawhide,” Hawks replied. “That sun’s really bright out there and they’re gonna use that to their advantage.” “OK,” I answered. “I need a hat. How’s this?” “A baseball cap? I admire you rootin’ fer your favorite team, but that just don’t fit around here.” “What about this?” “I’m not even sure what that’s fer either, son,” he answered. “You stormin’ the breeches or something?” “What about this?” “Yer gonna be too hot in that thing,” he chuckled. “OK, what about this?” “That thing is ridiculous! Why would you even want to wear something like that? I told you, you need a cowboy hat.” “All right then, how about this?” “What thar heck is that? That thing is even worse! Don’t ever let me see you wear that again!” “That’s all I got,” I shrugged. “I don’t have anything else.” “All right, all right, ya dang greenhorn.” Hawks pulled off his hat and placed it on my head. “Just take mine.” I pulled the hat off and looked at the sweatband. It was stained brown with sweat and dirt. “That’s from ridin’ hard and livin’ hard, pard,” he laughed. “No matter how hard you try, they don’t come clean.” I shrugged and unbolted the door.

“Could you tell us more about your relationship with Clark Kent?” another reporter asked. “What do you mean, relationship?” Superman asked. “You know,” the reporter continued. “You and Kent seem to be pretty close. A little too close if you ask me.” “I… I’m uh, not sure where you are going with this.” Superman looked a little uncomfortable at the question. “You know, Superman,” the reporter pushed. “The fact that Kent always gets the scoops on you, the fact that you’ve been seen flying out of his luxurious metropolitan high rise, the fact that you both hang out with all the same people. Face it Superman, you and Kent are a lot closer than just casual acquaintances.” “I, er, uh, am not exactly sure what you’re trying to say here,” Superman stammered. “Come on, fess up, Superman,” the reporter pressed. “You and Kent are an item, aren’t you?” “What?” “It all makes sense,” the reporter continued. “You’re good looking and in shape, wearing those tight and colorful clothes all around town. Kent’s from a small, conservative town in the Midwest, a place where he didn’t really fit in. It makes sense, you’re a couple.” “Ah, well let me assure you that Clark Kent and I are very close,” Superman chuckled. “But not that close. Not that there’s anything wrong with that… Kent and I have a good friendship and I do give him a few exclusives here and there for the Daily Planet, but that’s as far as that goes. In fact, Clark is married to Lois Lane—” “So how come you’re always flying her around town, then?” the reporter followed up. “Well, as an investigative reporter, she does get herself in a lot of trouble,” Superman answered. “Next question.” “Who’d win in a fight,” a reporter asked. “You or Captain Marvel?”

“You don't have any goldfish,” Professor Xavier said to me. “No,” I replied. “They keep dying on me.” “And you just sent off that monkeyboy like that.” “On a fool’s errand,” I chuckled. “Who better to send? Besides, do you really want a monkeyboy here with us?” “No!” Xavier quickly replied. “No thank you. I do believe that this mission would continue nicely without him.” “My gear is stowed, thank you,” Professor S’Magmier stepped into the cockpit. “Now if you two are finished picking mites out of each other’s body hair, I am ready to go.” “You know, Smeggy, I wasn’t going to make a big deal out of this in front of the Queen but you’re really beginning to get on my nerves. You’re gonna have to zip it on this flight or else I might have to make you feel bad with some real harsh words.” “Spoken like the backwards species that you are,” S’Magmier snapped back. “It is my job to make contact with the leviathan, yours is to just get me there. Perhaps if you could get those thumbs of yours to work, you could paw that control panel well enough to get us to our destination.” “OK, that’s it,” I leaped up from my seat and grabbed his arm. “I’m going to show you what an unevolved person like myself is capable of.” “Oh my--! Don’t kill me!” he wailed. “Don’t kill me!” “We don’t really need him, do we Professor?” “I would say the ride would be much more pleasant without him as well,” Xavier answered. “Although I might add that--” “OK, cool!” I maneuvered the groveling scientist to the hatch. “You’re not coming, Smeggy. We’ll see you later.” “But what about... Ahhh! No!” I popped the door open and pushed him through it. “Don’t worry, it’s just a small drop!” I yelled to him. “I’m sure an advanced species such as you can survive it.”

The Nazis give chase and a dogfight ensues. Who will win? Who will lose? Who will live and who will die? We don't know. In the cockpit, the angelic voiced dogface sings into her microphone. Who could be listening? Could it be to the young, good looking radio operator? It just might be. Meanwhile on the tabletop, the figures representing the German planes in the air are swept away. The commander is so disgusted that he accidentally hits his subordinate, the pulchritudinous radio operator.

"Private Hudson is always ready for action," I announced. "He's got his armor and his helmet, everything he's wearing is very functional, but what could he add for just a touch of pizzazz?" "That's right, a cape. It's fabulous!" "Here's the hero to the common beings of the galaxy and Intergalactic Gladiator, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator. He's sporting a unique Wristcomm, two blaster pistols and with his comfortable but functional outfit, he's ready for action."

Hudson: My Date With a Hottie!

If on fire, take off your pants and roll around, the icy snow will cool your dermis in all needed areas.

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.” I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner. “Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!” Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter. “HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!” “You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him. “AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.” I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm. “STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.” I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

Suddenly, I snapped awake. The images of my flashbacks faded like wisps of smoke. I looked around but could not tell where I was at all. It felt like a freight train just got done fighting an M1 battle tank in my head.

“Relax, Jon,” a sweet voice wafted through my ears. “You are fine now.”

It was Gaia. I was laying in a bed or something and she was standing next to me. I could see in the corner Cyclops and Hudson looking over and grinning at me.

“We totally saved you,” said Hudson.

“It was awesome,” said Cyclops.

“We’re like a team or something,” said Hudson. “We totally work great together.”

“Yeah!” agreed Cyclops. “We should team up and I know what we can call it! X2!”

“X2?” asked Hudson. “Why X2?”

“Because there’s two of us,” Cyclops explained.

“I got a better name,” Hudson said. “Hudson’s Heroes!”

“Wait, I got a better name than that!” Cyclops exclaimed. “Wyld Stallions!”

“Excellent!” Hudson yelled.

“We’re the Wyld Stallions and we’re gonna kick your butt!” they yelled together. Then they played air guitars for each other. “Yeah! Game over, man!”

“That’s really nice,” I said. “But what am I doing here? What happened to Onslaught?”

“Onslaught attacked you,” Gaia replied. “But it was more mental than anything else. He was destroying you in your mind.”

“Uh huh…”

“Because when you destroy the mind, it will destroy the body.”

“Sure felt like he was destroying the body, I tell you,” I said. “So then why was I flashing back to the past few months?”

“I was healing your mind,” she answered. “We were working on the last few months, making sure that everything was OK in there.” She grinned and pointed to my head.

“So then why did I have memories of Hudson and Queen Galacta?”

“Ah, well, that’s just the way it works,” she shrugged. I didn’t exactly buy that, though.

“So now what?” I asked.

“We’re marshalling together to stop him now,” she answered. “Fighting someone as formidable as Onslaught takes a lot of planning.”

“Well count me in,” I punched the palm of my hand with my fist. “Payback’s a bitch and it’s hot in the city!”

Gaia looked at me with a puzzled look on her face, then she must have decided not to ask.

“One more thing, Jon.”

“Yeah, what’s that?”

“Happy 300th post.”

The cellular phone on my Wristcomm rang.

“Hello?”

“Hey Jon, it’s Cyclops. How are you doing?”

“I am well, and you?”

“Uh, well not too good. Onslaught’s on the loose and coming after you.”

“Onslaught? What’s an Onslaught?”

“Ah, Onslaught’s a physical manifestation of Professor Xavier and Magneto’s power. Basically, the Professor turned into Onslaught right after you two came back from your mission in space.”

“Professor X turned into Onslaught? What caused it?”

“Well, uh… you see his girlfriend Magdalena ran off with Henchman while he was gone.”

“Magdalena? Why that saucy wench.”

“Yeah tell me about it. So the Professor turned into Onslaught, except he’s not really the Professor in there, except he is and has all of Xavier’s powers. Understand?”

“No, not really. What is it with you people and your evil manifestations. Jeez.”

“I dunno, I don’t have one. Onslaught’s really evil, too. He’s so evil that he peed on a seat and didn’t even clean it up!”

“Wow. And he’s coming for me?”

“Uh huh. Be careful, man, he’s got vast mental powers.”

“So you said. It’s OK, I can handle myself.”

“How are you going to do that?”

“I’ll just have to keep my mind blank.”

“YOU,” came a deep rumbling voice. The giant manifestation of evil was suddenly in front of me. “I WILL DESTROY YOU.”

“Onslaught is it? Nice to meet you,” I extended my hand to shake his.

Onslaught sent me flying through the air. I sailed into a junk yard and crashed onto the roof of a wrecked delivery van.

“Ahhh geez,” I rubbed my back with my arm. “That really frickin’ hurt.”

“THAT IS ONLY THE BEGINNING OF YOUR PAIN. TASTE THE WRATH OF ONSLAUGHT, FOOL.”

I leapt off of the wreckage just before it twisted up into a ball. Dodging the brute’s attack, I charged my Sonic Stunner.

“Now I’m mad!” I growled at him. “Taste this, Onstar!”

Onslaught stepped back and clasped one hand to his ear (at least I presume it was his ear) as the variable frequencies of sonic energy assaulted his senses. He stood like that briefly, then emanated a low rumbling noise which shortly turned into laughter.

“HA HA HA. WHAT AN INTERESTING WEAPON. TOO BAD THAT IT HAS NO EFFECT ON ME, FOOL!”

“You can’t blame a guy for trying.” I pulled out one of my pistols and fired at him.

“AGAIN YOUR WEAPONS CANNOT HARM ME!” the energy bolts bounced off his armored form. “YOU ARE FOOLISH FOR EVEN TRYING. DEATH FOR YOU WILL BE SLOW AND PAINFUL.”

I set my blaster on its highest setting and fired again. With a wave of Onslaught’s arm, the pistol exploded in my hand. I screamed in pain as I cradled the charred remains of my limb under my other arm.

“STILL, YOUR MIND RACES… STILL TRYING TO THINK OF A WAY TO STOP ME. YOU CANNOT.”

I crawled further away from my adversary. “Yeah, too bad I didn’t TiVo this fight,” I said with more bravery than I actually had. “I could rewind this and do something different, huh?”

“VERY WELL, TRY AGAIN.”

Suddenly, I found myself whole and still on the phone with Cyclops. Onslaught appeared in front of me once more and hurled me into the junk yard.

“WHAT WILL IT BE THIS TIME?” he roared. “DO YOU WANT TO TRY YOUR SONIC WEAPON ONCE MORE?”

“How about this?” I drew both of my pistols this time and fired them directly at his face. This time, the lancing energy was deflected by some sort of barrier.

“YOUR DEATH IS UPON YOU. WHAT IS THE LAST THING THAT YOU WANT TO HEAR BEFORE YOU DIE?”

“Anything that’s not coming from your mouth,” I retorted. My pistols exploded again and I flew back through the air and crashed into a pile of 50 gallon drums. Through the haze, I could see a semi trailer hovering over me.

“TOO EASY,” the villain sneered as the trailer dropped on me.

Once again, I found myself on the phone with Cyclops. Once again, Onslaught appeared in front of me.

“Aw crap.”

After crashing onto the van a third time, I tried firing the harpoon from my Wristcomm at him. Laughing all the while, he caught the projectile in midair and spun me around by the attached cable.

I sailed through the junk yard and slammed into a pile of rotting mattresses.

“That… was a pleasant… switch…” I managed to quip.

“GIVE UP NOW, FOOL. EMBRACE YOUR END AND I WILL MAKE IT QUICK AND PAINLESS.”

“I really doubt that,” I scrambled for cover as engine blocks, hub caps, metal poles, and car frames flew at me. “Is this really necessary? Come on, no woman is worth turning all evil and slamming me around like this.”

“THAT LYING HARLOT WILL GET HERS!” my powerful antagonist announced as he hurled more ferrous debris at me. “BUT YOU WILL STILL DIE FIRST!”

The wreckage of a Volkswagen bus slammed into me. I was pinned between it and other pieces of twisted rust. My adversary stalked towards me.

“I GROW TIRED OF THIS GAME,” he announced.

“Imagine… how I feel…” I sputtered.

“VERY WELL,” he raised his hand. “I SHALL END THIS AND YOUR MISERABLE EXISTENCE ONCE AND FOR ALL.”

I heard shots ring out – shots from a pulse rifle! Rifle rounds as well as a ruby beam slammed into the helmed menace.

“Yeeehaw! Here comes the cavalry!” Private Hudson yelled. “Come get some! Come on! Take that!”

“Game over for you, Onslaught!” Cyclops announced as energy lashed out from his eyes.

Onslaught howled, but before he could counterattack, Cyclops, Hudson, and I disappeared.

“NOOOOOOO!” Onslaught threw his fists into the air and howled again.