Things are chugging along on the set of Last Gladiator Standing II and that’s pretty cool. It appears that we have what we call in the entertainment biz a “hit.” We have a nice mix of known contestants as well as a few exciting new faces and they’re all eager to win! Wow, I better be careful or I might sound like one of them marketing guys like Sinew Nu.
There’s something unusual going on, though. Something I can’t quite put my finger on. Professor Xavier and I have worked together or teamed up several times in the past and we’ve always had a good working relationship. This time around, however, his powerful mutant telepathic mind seems to preoccupied with something. I don’t know what it is, but he’s been rather short with me. He’s not unfriendly or anything, but again, it’s something that I can’t quite put my finger on. Hopefully it will all work out.
My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice yelling at me.
“You! I’ll have words with you now, Earthman!”
Yeah, it was Lord EyeBorg alright.
EyeBorg is a competitor in the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment (formerly the Intergalactic Gladiator Federation until they lost that lawsuit with that other IGF). I’m not sure where he’s from but I’m pretty sure that he just gave himself the title “lord” in order to sound cool.
Now I don’t want to break bad on the guy, he is a competitor in the IGE and all, but his win-loss record isn’t too good. Not for him, at least, it’s pretty good for the people he’s going against. He also has to have a bit of a chip on his shoulder about me. You know because I’m “just an Earthman” and he’s an “advanced species” and “stronger and smarter” and all that. Plus I “plucked out” his “cybernetic eye” a couple times.
Still, I don’t go around picking fights with him, I’m not that kind of a guy. Plus, he may actually beat me one day. You know that cliché about “Any given Sunday.”
“Eyeborg,” I smile pleasantly at him. “How’s my favorite—say what race are you anyway?”
“That is none of your concern,” he growled. “What you should be concerned about is how I am not a competitor on your show.”
“Well sure, but the roster’s already filled and the competition has begun,” I reply. “It wouldn’t be fair to just add you.”
“Bah!” (I can’t believe that he said “Bah!”) You would be lucky to have a competitor like me in it. You know that I am the champion of 12 systems.”
“Really?” I ask. “Which ones?”
“It doesn’t matter what systems,” he growled. “What matters is that you have a roster full people from another galaxy, more of your pitiful species, and that bizzaro robot clown!”
“Robot clown hybrid,” I corrected.
“Argh! I do not care!” he howled. Then he grabbed my shirt and leaned in close to me. “You are a fool but the least foolish action you could take today is to add me to your stupid game show!”
“Dude,” I grabbed his arm that was clutching me. “Let go, man. Let’s not do it this way.”
“Then I will destroy you,” he hissed.
EyeBorg took a swing at me with his free arm. I ducked it and his momentum spun him around in front of me. From behind, I grabbed him around his neck and placed him in a chokehold. Within a couple minutes, he was sputtering on the ground.
“Eye don’t want any more trouble out of you, see?” I leaned down towards my stunned opponent and pulled on his cybernetic ocular device. With a snap and a crackle, it popped out of its socket. “Watch out because eye have lost my patience with you. Get it?”
EyeBorg moaned and looked up at me helplessly and humorlessly with his good eye.
Yeah, I know once again I need to work on my lines. I have to use what I they give me though, right?
Friday, May 11, 2007
LGS2 is out of sight!
Thursday, February 15, 2007
On Monday, we will make history
Blog history, at least.
I think.
I have a few more characters to introduce here first.
Professor S’Magmier
Home Planet: Not revealed.
Professor S’Magmier is one of the galaxy's greatest scientists in the study of Xenoforms. He is very knowledgeable of many rare species found in the Queen's realm and has been on many first contact situations. Ironically enough, S’Magmier has shown intolerance towards humans.
Lt. Falcon
Hometown: Fayetteville, North Carolina
Base of Operations: G.I. Joe Headquarters
Falcon is a an officer on the Joe team and a counter-terrorism specialist. Falcon is also a highly-motivated, competent Special Forces operator, not some cocky, ate up rag bag.
Lord EyeBorg (His title appears to be an honorarium)
Home planet: Not revealed
Base of Operations: Planet Hacknor
EyeBorg is a competitor in the IGE and occasional punching bag for Jon.
Galactor the Evil Galactic Overlord
Location: Unknown
Queen Galacta's brother and evil incarnate. He will stop at nothing to end Her rule and conquer the galaxy. Physically imposing, cold and calculating, Galactor is not an enemy to ever be taken lightly.
Ah yes, there are many, many more interesting people to be found here. So many that it would take you a long time to meet them all. If you want to take a quick look though, go right ahead. Go on, I'll wait.
OK, thanks for coming back. Here's how we're going to make history. Look at all of these characters who've visited here and then think about who deserves to have his or her very own post on Monday (Earth time). In the comments tell me who you think should visit, we will put it to a vote this weekend, and come Monday, that new person will be right here with a post. That's right, you get to vote and it actually counts! Only in America, folks (well not really, but you know what I mean).
Monday, September 11, 2006
I stood in front of Demonoculous; the crowd was cheering. We had already been sparring for 20 minutes and it showed. We were both worn out from the match.
“You know why I wanted this ‘no holds barred?’” he asked.
“No, why?”
“So I could do this!” he pulled a laser gun out from behind his back and started firing wildly at me. He probably would have hit me, too, if he wasn’t so busy laughing madly while firing.
“I don’t mind ‘no holds barred,’ either,” I answered while dodging his errant blasts. “You know why?”
“No,” he stopped firing for just a moment. “Why?”
“So I could do this!” I fired at him with the sonic stun blast on my Wristcomm. He dropped his weapon as he howled and clasped his ears.
I followed up with several quick strikes and then landed an uppercut. He crashed to the ground, kicking up dust as he hit. The crowd stood and cheered even louder.
“The winner… JON!” the announcer yelled.
Later, as I was making my way back to the Danger Sled, a familiar figure stepped between me and my ship.“You will not be getting on this ship, Earthman,” Lord EyeBorg cracked his knuckles. “I still owe you for plucking out my eye!”
“Dude, that was so long ago,” I said. “Give me a break; I’ve been here all day. I just want to go home and relax this evening.”
“Oh I will give you a break all right,” he answered. “I will break you in half!”
“Then let’s do this,” I answered. “Bring it on, Khan!”
Later, as the Danger Sled leaped into warp, I was looking at EyeBorg’s cybernetic eye skewered through a pencil.
“That was fun,” I sniffed. My knuckles sure were sore from the encounter.
Later, I snapped out of a short nap when I felt my ship being pulled out of warp. I looked at the readings and they were spiking. What did this?
“This is Captain V’oss,” the speakers on my space radio crackled. “Power down and prepare to be boarded!”
Great, space pirates. Somehow they got their hands on a military-grade interdictor. With that, they can just sit outside of the commercial hyperspace lanes, pull some of the smaller craft out, then rob the crew and passengers. Bunch of jerks.
“Oh please don’t hurt me,” I said into the mic. “I’m just trying to get home. I don’t have anything of value on board. Honest!”
“We’ll see about that!” replied the pirate. “Maybe we’ll just take your ship! Ha ha! Lower your shields and you may live.”
“OK OK,” I replied. “Just don’t blow me up!”
I lowered my shields and felt the pirate ship’s docking beam latch on. The Danger Sled shuddered as the umbilical clamped onto the side of its hull. Quickly, I gunned the engines and before they could react, I swooped around and launched a torpedo up the ship’s tailpipe.
“You bastard!” Captain V’oss yelled over the communicator before his ship exploded into a fiery ball of burning metal and plasma.
“Totally V’ossome,” I chuckled as I reengaged the warp drive.
Later, I got home. I walked through the backdoor and Shamrock jumped up in front of me. “Howya doin’ Sham?” I said as I scratched my dog behind her ears.
My wife walked up to me and gave me a kiss. “How was your day?”
“Heh, you know,” I said. “The usual.”
Monday, October 31, 2005
Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, This is Your Life! Part 3, or Jon's 100th post spectacular
The audience remains in stunned silence as the Monkeyboy bounds through the curtains. Like a champion pugilist, the Monkeyboy shakes clasped fists in the air -- first to one side, then the other.
Jon: Wait a minute.
Monkeyboy: Howya doin' bwauth? 
Jon: You're just a bit smaller than Jo Jo and you're clearly a lefty, not a righty. You're not Jo Jo the Monkeyboy, you're his brother MoJo.
MoJo: You got that right daddy-O. Who wants a banana daiquiri?
Jon: No thanks.
[Uncomfortable pause]
Jon: So, what brings you here?
MoJo: Oh, I'm just here representing the Monkeyboy clan. We were a very important part of your past few months worth of posts!
Jon: That's a part of my past few months that I'd rather not remember.
[MoJo ignores the comment and continues.]
MoJo: Your first post featuring my brother was here. You were offering fighting tips and you didn't have any to offer against Jo Jo. I gotta tell you, buddy boy, you're silly. You know Monkeyboys are lovers, not fighters! Hoo hoo ha ha ha!
Jon: Yeah, I don't know how to respond to that comment.
MoJo: Hoo hoo ha ha hah hah! You slay me, Jon. We have a little tape for you, buddy-o!
Art: Let's roll the tape.
Memories like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were
Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave one another
For the way we were
Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or that time has re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?
Memories, may be beautiful and yet
What's too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...
The way we were...
Art: Well, that was just...
Jon: ...Bad...
MoJo: Thanks! We had some third-year students at MIT-S put that tape together! Hoo hoo ha ha!
Jon: OK, MoJo, one last question.
MoJo: Shoot, Bilbo Bebop!
Jon: Why did you use Jo Jo's catchphrase?
MoJo: Oh that was just a swerve. Don't worry, You still my bestest friend fow ever and ever and ever!
Art: MoJo the Monkeyboy everybody!
[The audience applauds in a sort of "Thank God it's over" way. MoJo walks off stage smiling and blowing kisses to the crowd.]
Art: Well that was exciting. Say Jon, are you ready for the final guest?
Jon: The last guest? Man, it seems like we just started.
Art: Well, we have a little bonus for you, the final guest is actually a group. Take a listen to this...
Voice 1: I almost had that damnable Earthling beat, but then he ripped out my cybernetic eye.
Voice 2: Ngraaaar! I will destroy him and everything in my way!
Voice 3: Megataur superior, Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator inferior.
Voice 4: And so I says "It's time to burn, baby, burn!" Yeah!
Voice 5: I'm a gonna pounda you good, eh?
Voice 6: Nrgraaarrr! Smash boom bam! Ngraaarrr!
Voice 7: Ha ha ha ha! Of all of my cohorts here, I am the one who holds a win over Jon! And I'll do it again! Burble burble!
Voice 8: I smash him good! I disintegrate stupid comedy relief sidekick! Ha ha ha ha!
Jon: Well, that sounds like all of my opponents that I have faced and written about in my chronicles.
Art: That's right, let's bring out Lord EyeBorg, the colossal Rngarnghk, Megatuar, the New Killer Bomb, "Muscles" Marinara with his girlfriend Margarita Pisa, Freh-dee Mars, Octopus Prime and Abi the Butcher!
[The combatants come out onto stage elbowing each other and growling.]
Jon: Well, this is nice, all of my enemies here to see me.
Lord EyeBorg: Don't worry, Earth scum. Of course, all of us want to see you dead, but we all signed a no-compete clause with Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment. We can't do anything against you here.
New Killer Bomb: That's right, that's right I said you're gonna burn and burn real good, I says, but not tonight, baby! Yeah!
Jon: OK, that's nice.
"Muscles" Marinara: So we're going to all sing to you instead!
Megataur: Bring out all guests for song.
[Starkey, Captain Picard, Yoda, Fluke and MoJo all return to the stage, joined by the Beast, Professor X, J'onn Sinew Nu, Captain Dion X. Machina, Fiddy Cred, the Baroness, Captain James T. Kwirck, The Colonial Marines, Staley Da Bear®, Buck Rogers, Larry and Jake Bob Orkon, J J Jawa, Lieutenant Falcon and Princess Leia. Everyone on stage begins to sing.]
Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Does whatever an Intergalactic Gladiator can
He can fight all the time
For what's right and a rhyme
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Is he strong? Listen, bud
He's got A positive blood
Can he fight on Fire Isle?
Take a look at his personal file
Hey there, there goes the Intergalactic Gladiator Man
In the chill of night at the scene of a fight
Like a streak of light, the Danger Sled will take flight!
Intergalactic Gladiator Man
Friendly Intergalactic Gladiator, man
Fame and glory, he's ignored
Saving the Earth is his reward
To him, life is a great big slog
wherever there's a funny blog
You might find the Intergalactic Gladiator Man!
[Audience applauds; gives standing ovation]
Jon: Man, that was the biggest piece of sh--
Art Linklighter: Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, that was "This is Your Life!" Good night everybody, see you next week!
The music starts, credits roll, and everyone on stage shakes hands and hugs each other.
Friday, September 15, 2006
Party at Sky City
Hudson was already on Sky City as he had a date with the lovely and multi-talented Erifia Apoc. Before the date, I made Erifia promise that she wasn’t going to kill the marine. Begrudgingly, she agreed. In my defense, I’m not the one who set up the date, J’onn Sinew Nu thought it up because he was planning on producing a Blind Date-type show. It took all I could do to convince him not to actually film the date with hidden cameras, but he finally conceded after I assured him that I would try to get Queen Galacta to show up at the Intergalactic Gladiator Entertainment’s next pay per view (order it today! Operators are standing by!).
I was pretty sure that Hudson wasn’t going to get killed, but I also wanted to get to Sky City in case anything bad happened. By pure coincidence, Vampirella was having a little bit of a shindig at Sky City as well. Funny; sometimes the universe just works like that.
I landed the Danger Sled and made my way on board, but before I could get into the main resort area of the ship, I was stopped by the security guards at the entrance.
“Hand over all weapons and prepare to be searched,” said Ike.
“Ngg,” Mike just grunted.
“You got it, Hanzie and Franzie,” I said. I unbuckled my gun belt and handed it over with the two pistols still clipped to their holsters. “Take good care of Betsy and Winona while I’m away, OK?”
Ike took the weapons and Mike grunted again. I started to go through the doors but Ike halted me again.
“All of your weapons,” Ike insisted. Mike grunted a third time.
“What this?” I indicated to my Wristcomm. “This is just my communicator. It’s mostly harmless, really.”
“I don’t think so,” Ike pressed while Mike grunted. “Hand it over.”
“OK guys, I’m with you here.” I unhooked the clasps and handed the comm over. Gosh, I almost feel naked without it.
“Have a nice stay at Sky City,” Ike grunted, Mike grunted as well.
“Thanks Heckle and Jeckle,” I waved after I went through the door. “I’ll see you fellas later.”
They grunted back at me.
I made my way through the corridor until I saw Hudson sitting on a bench. He was trying to look nonchalant, but he was in obvious pain. I don’t believe that the word “nonchalant” is in his dictionary anyway.
“Hudson!” I called out. “How are you doing? How did the date go?”
“Hi Jon,” he answered in sort of a downtrodden way. “The date went really well. We ate, we danced, we had ice cream. It was a really nice date…”
“…Until?”
“Until I accidentally touched one of her… uh… you know…” he started making the universal symbol for a well-developed chest.
“Her breast?”
“Yeah, shhhh. Geez, don’t yell it out already,” he went from glum to extra glum. “I thought it was going so well, too. We were even gonna have a second date. Now the next time she sees me, she’s probably gonna kill me.”
“That’s too bad.” I sat down next to him. “You know, it probably wouldn’t have worked out anyway, she’s an angsty Twi’lek Jedi from this galaxy, and you’re a tough-as-nails Colonial Marine from a place far, far away from here.”
“Yeah, I guess,” he moped.
“You know what, there’s a great nightclub here,” I gave him my best roguish grin. “Why don’t we head there and take in a little of the action?”
“OK, that sounds swell.”
Shortly, I was sitting at the bar drinking a Mandalorian Genuine Draft and watching Hudson move in towards one of the patrons at the bar. He said something to her and she replied by splashing her drink right into his face.
“What happened?” I asked after he slinked back to me.
“Aw, I just said ‘Oooh, naughty kitty, wanna come out and play?’ then she did that,” he complained as he wiped his face off with a cocktail napkin.
“That’s funny,” I replied over the dance music. “I would’ve thought that she’d like that line.”
“Yeah, well, she was a little too crazy for me, I think. Did you see the way she twists her back all crooked when she talks?”
“Yeah,” I answered. “Not your type.”
“Nope, definitely not,” he convinced himself, and then stepped out to find another victim.
A few minutes later, he walked back to me rubbing his arm.
“What happened?” I asked.
“She punched me in the arm!” he moaned. “Boy did that smart.”
“You know, if there was one piece of advice that I could give to you, it would be never try to pick up a Klingon,” I said to him. “Not worth your time. Seriously.”
“Boy, you’re tellin’ me.” He walked away towards his next alleged conquest.
Shortly, he came back rubbing a red welt on his face.
“Man, I’m never going near a telepath again… ever!” he said.
“What did you say to her?” I asked.
“Nothing! I didn’t say anything! She just slapped me right in the face!”
“You know, this is starting to get silly,” I stifled a laugh. “You’re having the worst luck tonight.”
“I know,” he answered. “It usually isn’t like this. OK, I see someone who I think I know. I’ll be right back!”
I watched him step towards the dance floor, someone stepped in front of me.
“Vengeance will be mine!” he growled at me. “You plucked out my cybernetic eye, then you plucked it out again!”“EyeBorg? What the hel are you doing here?” I demanded. “I was just starting to have fun and you have to come by and make me feel all bad and stuff.”
“Oh, I’ll make you feel bad alright!” he answered. “Feel bad with pain!”
“I mean come on, man,” I said. “You came all the way here just to pick a fight with me?”
“That is correct human,” he growled back. “I will end your puny existence once and for all!”
Shortly thereafter, medical personnel dragged away Lord EyeBorg’s unconscious body. I looked at his cybernetic eye skewered on a cocktail toothpick, then looked up at Hudson. He seemed to be limping.
“Man, this is just not my night,” he said. “I know Jamie Sommers from OSI, so I went up and said hi. She then challenged me to an arm wrestling competition and threw me over a table.”
I shook my head and chuckled. “You’re right, Hudson, this just isn’t your night. What’s up with that?”
“I don’t know, I just—” He stopped talking as a bright light snapped in our direction.
“Hey everybody, I got a special surprise for you tonight!” the DJ said gleefully. “We have a real celebrity visiting us tonight!”
Hudson held up his hands. “Oh well I--”
“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator everybody!” the DJ announced. “Come on up here, Jon!”
“Oh I don’t want to… OK.” I moved past Hudson, across the dance floor and hopped up onto the small stage next to the DJ.
“What brings you here all the way from Dirt?” he asked.
“Oh, I’m just here for a little party,” I said. “And it’s not ‘Dirt,’ it’s ‘Earth.’”
“That’s great,” smiled the DJ. “Hey do you want to sing for us tonight?”
“No no, I couldn’t,” I shook my head politely.
“Who wants to hear Jon sing?” The crowd cheered wildly.
“OK, OK, ya got me,” I chuckled.
“Two girls for every boy
I bought a ’34 wagon and we call it a woodie
Sky City, here we come
You know, it's not very cherry, it's an oldie but a goodie
Sky City, here we come
Well, it ain't got a backseat or a rear window
But it still gets me where I wanna go
And we're goin' Sky City, 'Cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun
Yeah we're goin' Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun, now
They say they never roll the streets up, ‘cause there's always something goin'
Sky City, here we come
You know, they're either out surfin' or they got a party growin'
Sky City, here we come
Well it's two swingin' honeys for every guy
And all you gotta do is just wink your eye
And we're goin' Sky City, 'Cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun
Yeah we're goin' Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' Sky City, gonna have some fun, now
two girls for every boy
And if my woody breaks down on me somewhere on that Sky Route
Sky City, here we come
I'll strap my board to my back and hitch a ride in my space-suit
Sky City, here we come
And when I get to Sky City, I'll be shootin' the curl
And checkin' out the parties for Sky City girls
And we're goin' to Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
You know we're goin' to Sky City, gonna have some fun
Ya, we're goin' to Sky City, 'cause it's two to one
Ya, we're goin' to Sky City, gonna have some fun, now
Two girls for every
Two girls for every boy”
“Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator, everybody!” the DJ yelled.
“Thank you, thank you. You’re great, I mean it!” I said as everyone applauded me.
I made my way back to the bar where the bartender served me up a fresh beer.
“How could you do that?” Hudson looked at me.
“Oh it was pretty easy, I just substituted the word surf for sky.”
“No, I'm talking about two girls for every boy,” Hudson sniffed.
“Uh, don’t let it bug ya, Hudson,” I answered after a gulp of beer. “You know it’s just a song.”
“Oh thank you for coming,” Vampirella seemed to have appeared from out of nowhere. “I hope you two are having a great time.”“We sure are!” said Hudson.
“Yeah, it’s been great,” I added. “Thanks for having us.”
“Well that’s really good, boys. I have to be going, there are a lot of guests for me to say hello to,” she smiled. Then she lightly touched Hudson on his chin. “Bill, it was really, really nice to see you again.”
Hudson and I stared at the statuesque vampire as she sexily slinked to the door.
“Uh, Jon, I’ll be back…” Hudson ran towards the door.
Here we go again, I thought.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Looking for answers
Grady was a no good, slimy man, but he was good at what he did. He worked the streets and he knew everything that was going on in them from one end of the city to the other. He tried to keep his nose out of trouble. He tried, but he knew too much.
Grady stepped through a puddle in the alley. He probably should have walked around it, but at the time it seemed like it would be quicker. In reality though, it just got his sock wet. It was a quiet alley and if he got through to the other side, he would be home free. At least, that’s what he hoped.
Unfortunately, someone stepped out from the shadows at the end of the alley. Someone who Grady did not want to see.
“Wha--? Who are you?” he sputtered.
“I’m your worst nightmare, baby,” Hudson grinned.
“Hello Grady,” I said as I stepped up behind him.
“Wha!” he yelped. “Aw geez, don’t sneak up on me like that.”
“I need some information,” I said.
“No no,” he sputtered again. “I don’t do that kind of stuff.”
“Sure you do, pal,” Hudson towered over him. “I know you and you know that I know what kind of stuff you know.”
“OK OK OK,” he conceded. “But this is a business, fellas. You want the 411, you have to show me the money.”
“So what will it take to make it worth your while?” I asked.
“Bidding starts at 40 dollars, gentlemen.” Grady answered smugly.
“Hudson?”
“I’m all tapped out ‘til payday, man,” the private answered.
“All I got is a twenty,” I said while thumbing through my wallet. “Can I spot you twenty and owe you twenty?”
“Fine,” he grumbled and took the bill.
“Hey wait a minute,” Hudson said. “You owe me forty bucks, Grady.”
“All I got is this twenty,” the stoolie replied. “Can I give you twenty and spot you twenty?”
“Fine,” Hudson grumbled and took the money.
“What about the forty you owe me?” I asked Hudson. “You know from when we were on Commerce Planet and at that hosiery shop and—”
“OK OK!” Hudson interrupted. “Can I spot you twenty and give you twenty?”
“Alright.” I snatched the cash from his hand.
“Hey,” Grady pointed to the money. “Now you can pay me the other half of the forty.”
“Here.” I handed him the Jackson.
“Now you can pay me the other twenty you owe me.” Hudson took it from Grady.
“And you can pay me the other twenty you owe me.” I took the money from Hudson. “Now that we’re all squared away, talk.”
“So what do you want to know?” Grady asked trying to sound innocent.
“I think you know,” I replied huskily. “There are a few photos out there featuring me and Emma Frost in a compromising position, only that’s not me. Who is it?”
“I don’t know, I don’t know,” he pleaded.
“I say we grease this rat-freak son of a bitch right now,” Hudson growled.
“OK OK, let’s not get violent here. I don’t have the information that you want, but I do have some information.”
“And that is?” I asked.
“The eyes have it,” he replied.
“What do you mean the eyes have it?” I asked.
“Hey Jon, that’s what you said when you pulled Lord EyeBorg’s cybernetic eye out,” Hudson reminded me.
“You’re right,” I nodded.
“You really said that?” Grady asked. “That’s a pretty good action hero line.”
“Yeah, thanks,” I muttered.
“It was really sweet,” Hudson said excitedly. “He was all like ‘Yoink, the eyes have it, man!’”
“Wow,” Grady looked at me in awe. “That’s pretty cool, how do you come up with stuff like that?”
“Are you kidding?” Hudson laughed. “Jon’s got a bunch of great lines all stockpiled. He’s just waiting for the right moment to use them.”
“Really?” Grady asked. “That is so cool.”
“Alright alright,” I stepped in. “What do you mean by the eyes have it?”
“What I’m saying is that the pictures look just like you, but the eyes are different.”
“Heck yeah.” Hudson clenched his fist for emphasis. “It’s like that James song, sometimes I look into your eyes and I see your soul.”
“Yeah, well stop looking in my eyes like that,” I growled back to the marine.
“But that’s your answer,” Grady insisted. “You figure out whose eyes are in those photos and you’ll find your guy.”
“And girl,” Hudson added. “I mean if it wasn’t Emma. Which it probably wasn’t. Do you think it was? Maybe I should go talk to her. Got her number?”
“Maybe we should talk to her,” I answered.
Friday, May 22, 2009
Blogoversary
Holy cow everybody. I almost just totally missed my fourth blogoversary. We need to go back and take a look at my previous ones!
Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more. More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait. Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we?
Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand. Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…  |
That was super. I hope everyone had a swell time reading my blog this year.
#@(*&% Blagojevich burgers are on me! Yum-o!
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Happy Blogoversary
Look at that! It’s my third blogversary and it just snuck up on us like that. I’ve been blogging here since May 20, 2005 and you know what that means? I need to get out more.
More importantly, it means that we need to celebrate. Go ahead and get yourself a drink. Make it a Yo Joe Cola or a glass of Champagne, I’ll wait.
Alright, as is my custom, let’s take a look back at my last few blogversaries, shall we?
On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course. I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat. I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.” “Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?” “Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.” “What is it?” asked Jan. “What could it be?” asked Rocksun. “Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?” “VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.” “Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!” “Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.” “Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?” “Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer.
“That was splendid” said the Queen. “Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!” |
Cool. I had a lot of fun writing the blog this year and I’ve want to thank all of my new Junior Intergalactic Gladiators that have found their way here as well as the ole faithful who’ve been around already. Thanks for stopping by these past twelve months; you make this old Intergalactic Gladiator proud. Go on, give yourselves a hand.
Like I said, this year’s been fun and there were quite a few happenings along the way: Jan had a great adventure with the Bandit, I saved Dr. Zaius from a giant Jimmy Olsen robot, I started up the Separated at Birth Series and the iDoodles, and I took a picture of a deer peeing. Oh yeah, I’m also running for president. So tell me, what was your favorite Intergalactic Gladiator moment from this past year? Go on, I’m listening…
Sunday, May 20, 2007
An Important Message From Jon
On Throneworld, in the throne room of the Queen of the Galaxy, an unusual cast of characters gather. The group includes Private Hudson, Jan the Intergalactic Gladiator, Major Rocksun, Royal Technician Lombarr, and Queen Galacta IX herself, of course.
I took a deep breath and stepped through the doors and into the room. My heals made a distinct and echoing clacking sound as I strode across the regal floor towards the Queen’s ornate seat.
I gave a quick bow “Your majesty.”
“Welcome once again, Gladiator,” the Queen acknowledged. “To what do we owe this honor?”
“Queen Galacta,” I paused and turned to the others. “Major Rockson, Private Hudson, Jan, Lombarr and everybody else here, this is a special day. A very special day.”
“What is it?” asked Jan.
“What could it be?” asked Rocksun.
“Is it V-Day?” asked Hudson. “Or D-Day? Or VD-Day?”
“VD-Day?” grimaced Jan. “Ew.”
“Nope,” I grinned. “It’s my second Blogoversary!”
“Wow,” Jan said. “Congratulations.”
“Thank you, thank you,” I said. “Lombarr, would you be so kind as to throw up last year’s Blogoversary post on the telemonitor?”
“Certainly.” Lombarr threw a switch and the post showed up on the viewer.
Along the way, we found Hudson. "Tractor beam off?" I asked Hudson. "Sure is," he replied. "I took out some troops along the way, too." "Really?" "Yup," he nodded. "Totally quiet and sneaky-like. I am like Snake Eyes, a stone cold totally quiet killer. They never saw me coming." "So you're silent but violent?" I asked. "You got it," he grinned, full of pride. I stopped. "Wait a minute, what's today's date?" "You mean on Earth, or the Queen's Galactic Calendar?" asked Jan. "On Earth," I replied. I dialed up the calendar on my Wristcomm. "Hey, it's May 19th!" "So?" shrugged Hudson. "Tomorrow is my one year blogoversary!" I answered, allowing for more excitement than my current situation should allow. "Oh, well, happy blogoversary," said Hudson. "Yes, happy blogoversary," smiled Jan. Then she looked down. "I don't have a blog." "Maybe some day you will," I answered. "Hey, why don't we take a look at my first post." Jan and Hudson nodded in agreement and I called up my blog on my Wristcomm, then went to the first entry: I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket. "That was... nice," Jan said. "I liked that action hero line," Hudson smiled. "The eyes have it! The eyes have it! The eyes have it!" "Yeah, well, sometimes I need work on those lines." I looked out past the fourth wall. "I want to thank everyone who's visited me here for the past year. You know who you are, go on stand up and give yourselves a big hand. Great. Now, just the ladies. Now just the men. Now just the men pretending to be ladies. Ha, I got you! Now you two in the back! Go on, stand up and clap." Thank you. |
“That was splendid” said the Queen.
“Thank you,” I said. “And thanks to all my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators out there. You’re the reason I’m doing this. Give yourselves a round of applause and keep watching the skies!”
Monday, February 19, 2007
Guest Speaker: Jan the Intergalactic Aviator
Thank you everyone for voting for me.
Maybe I should rephrase that. Thank you for voting for me, everyone who did vote for me. Thanks to your efforts, I just narrowly beat out a Monkeyboy and a dog to have the honor of posting on Intergalactic Gladiator.
First off, who voted for that flarging EyeBorg guy? Are you masochists or something? Perhaps your time would be better spent shoving reactor core containment rods into your ears. That would be almost as pleasant as listening to his prattling about how he “almost beat his opponent” or how he is so much more cultured than the rest of us. Seriously, what is he a lord of anyway?
So anyway, I’ve helped Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator a few times in the past. The oddest thing though is that I’ve met his former sidekick before I even met Jon. The ghost of Jo Jo the Monkeyboy visited me after Christmas last year. He was trying to act all spooky and everything (a Monkeyboy cannot pull off spooky) and he said “Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, you aren’t showing the Christmas spirit!”
So I said “Yeah, except it is two months after Christmas.”
Then he looked at his scroll and said something like “Hey, you’re right! Okeedokee something something, see you later Janny Aviator.” It was somewhat obnoxious.
Check that. It was very obnoxious.
And some of you voted for his younger brother.
Why? I mean seriously, why?
Alright, so anyway, enough of this grouching. I had an interesting story that I wanted to share. I had a pretty exciting adventure a few weeks ago. I was making a haul across the Velden sector when I was attacked by space pirates.
As you all know, the Velden sector is bordered by two black holes and you have to be careful flying that area because of it. Space pirates use the anomalies that are caused by the two collapsed stars to hide from sensors so you don’t see them coming until it’s too late.
So I was flying through that area when three pirate ships popped up on my scopes. They had two medium scouts and a refitted medium cruiser. I wasn’t worried about the scouts, the Pegasus Elite eats those things for breakfast. It was the cruiser that I was worried about.
I had few options. Desperately, I aimed my ship right between the two black holes. I knew that if I could slingshot past them, the space pirates in the cruiser would never catch me.
So I checked the calculations and fired the rockets. I knew that the with the slightest miscalculation, I would either be sucked in by the overwhelming gravity or torn in two. It was my only option though.
So I was making the run when all of a sudden – Oh wait, looks like I’m out of time for today.
Maybe I’ll finish up this story next time.
Friday, May 19, 2006
We made our way back towards Jan's ship
Along the way, we found Hudson.
"Tractor beam off?" I asked Hudson.
"Sure is," he replied. "I took out some troops along the way, too."
"Really?"
"Yup," he nodded. "Totally quiet and sneaky-like. I am like Snake Eyes, a stone cold totally quiet killer. They never saw me coming."
"So you're silent but violent?" I asked.
"You got it," he grinned, full of pride.
I stopped.
"Wait a minute, what's today's date?"
"You mean on Earth, or the Queen's Galactic Calendar?" asked Jan.
"On Earth," I replied. I dialed up the calendar on my Wristcomm. "Hey, it's May 19th!"
"So?" shrugged Hudson.
"Tomorrow is my one year blogoversary!" I answered, allowing for more excitement than my current situation should allow.
"Oh, well, happy blogoversary," said Hudson.
"Yes, happy blogoversary," smiled Jan. Then she looked down. "I don't have a blog."
"Maybe some day you will," I answered. "Hey, why don't we take a look at my first post."
Jan and Hudson nodded in agreement and I called up my blog on my Wristcomm, then went to the first entry:
I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket.
Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory.
Victory, thy taste is sweet.
"That was... nice," Jan said.
"I liked that action hero line," Hudson smiled. "The eyes have it! The eyes have it! The eyes have it!"
"Yeah, well, sometimes I need work on those lines." I looked out past the fourth wall. "I want to thank everyone who's visited me here for the past year. You know who you are, go on stand up and give yourselves a big hand. Great. Now, just the ladies. Now just the men. Now just the men pretending to be ladies. Ha, I got you! Now you two in the back! Go on, stand up and clap."
Thank you.
Friday, May 20, 2005
A Royal Battle
I fought Lord EyeBorg today (I believe "Lord" is an honorarium, he does not actually lord over anything). Though he is easily 30 years my senior and no match for my strength, his cybertetic claw and optic laser blast make him a tough opponent to be sure. After battling back and forth for over an hour, I finally got a solid punch in. The force of my strike sent him sprawling and he was stunned long enough for me to pluck his laser-firing eyepiece from it's socket.
Holding the weapon aloft, I yelled to the crowd "The 'eyes' have it!" The audience was beside itself, roaring and cheering my victory.
Victory, thy taste is sweet.
